i guess this inappropriate to post on a message board

[Yetra Flam]

but i feel like i need to let people know. i guess that's part of the whole grieving process.

my mother had been sick for a very long time (cancer). however, she was in remission for a few months. in the last three weeks she became very ill very quickly. i left the US on to see her and say goodbye to her. my mother passed away on wednesday. i was on the plane at the time. i didn't get to see her at all.

the reason i'm posting this is i just feel like this will all seem more real if i tell as many people as possible about it, and then maybe i'll be able to get through this. i know some of you will think this is strange to share this on a message board with people i don't know.
it still isn't real to me. i don't feel like i'm anywhere near as upset as i should be, but that might all come out at the funeral tomorrow. maybe i'm just a lot stronger than i thought i was.

[russhie]

Everyone deals with it in their own way.

Sorry to hear about your loss.

:(

[YoungRemy]

I'm sorry for your loss. thoughts and well-wishes are with you...

[ericlee]

oh man. Very sorry to hear. Keep your head up.

[Miho]

I never know what to say in these types of situations, but I will say that I will have you in my thoughts and prayers. Be strong, Susan. <3 you. *hugs*

[hitmonlee]

i'm sorry you didn't get to make it in time to see her zorra
*hugs*

[Kid Presentable]

Fucks sake. :(:(

[Bob]

i'm really sorry to hear that. i dunno what to say really, but i suppose you'll know what to do :(

[trailerprincess]

I'm so sorry, my thoughts are with you.

[RobMoney$]

You shouldn't feel embarressed by showing that you're hurt by your mothers' passing, whether it's to your family or to people on this MB.
It's expected.

[camo]

Sorry to hear your loss. My sincere condolences.

[peterclamp]

Actually I would say its totally cool to post something like this. I lost my Dad to cancer 5 years ago yesterday...he was only 59. I went through the grieving process but although it was suggested many times that I see a grief counsellor I wouldnt do it. I do not feel comfortable at all discussing my feelings with someone I do not know, and certainly have no connection with. Whilst I only really know (ie face to face) a handful of people on here, I still feel a common connection with many more on here and whilst normally we all post inane shite on here and have a laugh and joke, wew are all sensitive and caring enough to listen to someone who needs it.
So yeah, I would have posted similar on here had I been a member at the time...anyway, my thoughts are with you and your family.

Pete

[TAL]

Oh :(

[venusvenus123]

sorry for you zorra :(

hugs

[AceFace]

oh sweets, this is terrible. and i'm so sorry you didn't get to see her again. my thoughts are with you.

thank you for sharing this with us.

[Rock]

Sorry for your loss :((n)

[abcdefz]

I can understand wanting to post something like that. In your situation, I might be plenty pissed, too. That really sucks. I'm sorry.

I'm glad that you had her as long as you had her, though. I hope her pain management was excellent.

[b i o n i c]

she was sick for a long time, so you've had time to rationalize and sort of put things in their place in your brain, so how you feel isnt strange or bad. i have a similar thing going on where the person has been sick for a long time, so i feel like ive had time to make peace with things. when it happens, it will surely be somewhat difficult, but its different from when someone dies suddenly and unexpectedly. im glad you are on your way over there and that hopefully will get to spend some time with people who you can be a big help to, with your strength, maybe to your dad or other family who isnt handling things the way you are. and in time it could hit you, what can you do other than do your best like you are now..

[ms.peachy]

I'm really sorry to hear about your mom, and I'm sorry you weren't able to make it back in time to see her one last time. Please try not to beat yourself up about that though. You will get through this, even in the moments when you have no idea how.

[hpdrifter]

Wow, :( x 10000000000!

I'm really sorry. There isn't a whole lot to say in situations like these that isn't trite and unhelpful. I will keep you and your mom in my thoughts and I wish you all strength to get through it.

I think this is a totally appropriate place to post something like this. We all come here daily to share our thoughts and feelings about a lot of things ranging in seriousness.

I hope you and your family can come together and be each other's strength.

[Waus]

Sorry Zorra :(

Stay strong.

[ToucanSpam]

Sorry to hear of your loss.:(

[HEIRESS]

:(

I hope the rest of your family deals ok with this too. take care of each other.

[cookiepuss]

oh no. I'm so sorry.

when my dad passed it was in the middle of the night, right before Christmas. I wasn't home yet...I had been scheduled come home that next day. He wasn't even sick...he just had a massive coronary in his sleep. Anyway point being...I never got to say good bye or tell him I loved him one last time or anything. I can relate to how that feels and it's going to take you some time to be at peace with it.

but, I honestly feel in my heart that those that pass on already know whatever we had to say to them.

if you do need to talk more about this, please feel free to send me a message.

[cookiepuss]

she was sick for a long time, so you've had time to rationalize and sort of put things in their place in your brain, so how you feel isnt strange or bad. i have a similar thing going on where the person has been sick for a long time, so i feel like ive had time to make peace with things. when it happens, it will surely be somewhat difficult, but its different from when someone dies suddenly and unexpectedly. im glad you are on your way over there and that hopefully will get to spend some time with people who you can be a big help to, with your strength, maybe to your dad or other family who isnt handling things the way you are. and in time it could hit you, what can you do other than do your best like you are now..

actually...form experience and sharing with others who are also greiving...it makes very little difference whether you've had time to "make peace" with it or not. you are NEVER quite prepared when the person actually passes. it will affect you in ways that you can't anticipate.:(

on an unrelated note:
you also never "get over" these things. and you wouldn't want to, because to do so would probably involve forgetting and we don't ever want to forget. You cope, you keep moving forward, but you do not "get over". there will always be something raw about this loss. So don't ever tell yourself that you should be ok with this by now...because you won't ever be.

[b i o n i c]

if i sound insensitive, its because i never know what to think about death. im speaking from my own lack of experience, with what im going through now and what i anticipate. you're probably right though

[cookiepuss]

just my three cents, i never know what to think about death. im speaking from my own lack of experience, with what im going through now and what i anticipate. you're probably right though

I know, hun. sorry. I'm totally not criticizing you. I just want to give you the caveat that you might want to be prepared to be unprepared. unfortunately, I just think can't really anticipate how it's really going to be until it's time to cross that bridge.

[desert_rain]

but i feel like i need to let people know. i guess that's part of the whole grieving process.

my mother had been sick for a very long time (cancer). however, she was in remission for a few months. in the last three weeks she became very ill very quickly. i left the US on to see her and say goodbye to her. my mother passed away on wednesday. i was on the plane at the time. i didn't get to see her at all.

the reason i'm posting this is i just feel like this will all seem more real if i tell as many people as possible about it, and then maybe i'll be able to get through this. i know some of you will think this is strange to share this on a message board with people i don't know.
it still isn't real to me. i don't feel like i'm anywhere near as upset as i should be, but that might all come out at the funeral tomorrow. maybe i'm just a lot stronger than i thought i was.

My condolences. It isn't easy to loose someone you love. Especially when its a parent. I don't know what I'll do when my Nana dies. She was my parents. If you need a shoulder, this is the place to come. Take it day by day, and know she's not in any more pain. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

DR

[Guy Incognito]

I dont know if this will help or hinder you but my dad died 18 months ago and there are things that happen every day where i wish he was around and there's not a day goes by i dont think about him but its not always sad stuff, it does get better and I dont know if you will understand this or not but in a way his death has inspired me and it motivates me in some ways.

I am having bereavement counselling which is helping and i just wanted to say that talking about that on this message board really helped and i got a lot of encouragement and good advice and opinions.

[Yetra Flam]

thanks you guys. the funeral was today. because she didn't have any family here, there weren't many people there and it was very brief.
i felt like i had to be the strong one out of my father and me. but i feel like maybe i acted like a dick. i know he tried to hold my hand, and i wouldn't. i just stood there with my arms folded staring ahead while he, and everyone else was crying. i just know that my mother wanted me to be strong, and i really wanted to be strong for that particular moment. i hope that later on when i can go home and am actually around my whole family that i can let it out, and not have to be the strong one. i've been trying not to think about the particularly upsetting stuff, like not getting to say goodbye and not getting to tell her i love her, and complaining about her all the time.

jesus christ i feel bad for my father.

[gbsuey]

i didn't get on the boards yesterday so only just read this-i'm so sorry you lost your mum and that you didn't make it in time to see her-you sound really in pieces right now-but also pretty strong. grief is such a strange thing,i think, when my dad died i had literally had my youngest son three days before and was so busy with that it carried me through. but after, my grief would come out as sadness and anger that he lived to 75 but missed meeting Sunny by a few days-we were in the same hospital the night i gave birth but because of the risk of mrsa i just couldn't take a newborn baby onto the wards.

but this is about you-maybe you'll wonder why you aren't grieving the way you thought you would when a parent dies-i think that's pretty normal-i hope you and your dad have a good relationship coz i think strength together is a good way to go. i hope you'll be ok

[DipDipDive]

:( Hugs

Don't overanalyze the way you're behaving and how you're reacting to this situation. Everyone grieves differently. Some cry, some don't. Some need to be around a lot of people and talk through it, some prefer to be alone. You aren't doing anything wrong.

<3

[Knuckles]

I have no idea what to say. I mean, I've got to say something. You are one of my absolute favorite internet people. I wish I could do more than tell you that you and your father are in my thoughts and prayers. But, that's all I've got. :(

I'm so sorry Susan.

[mathcart]

My deepest condolences on your loss.

So I think its best to try and remember the time you had with your mom and the love that you felt for her over regretting not getting to be there at the end- that was out of your control- we don't get to write the perfect ending script for our lives.
The same thing happened to my uncle when my Grandma (who was living with my mom) died and he was in the air on the way to say goodbye to her when she died. He was very philosophical about it and I thought he was right. That doesn't make what your going through any less hard or not right on to feel, I just thought you'd like to know that it seems to be a very common thing to feel regret at not having the end be perfect.
I'm sure this is just a little piece of what your feeling too, so I'm gonna go ahead and stop talking except to say how sorry I am for your loss...

[mikizee]

thanks you guys. the funeral was today. because she didn't have any family here, there weren't many people there and it was very brief.
i felt like i had to be the strong one out of my father and me. but i feel like maybe i acted like a dick. i know he tried to hold my hand, and i wouldn't. i just stood there with my arms folded staring ahead while he, and everyone else was crying. i just know that my mother wanted me to be strong, and i really wanted to be strong for that particular moment. i hope that later on when i can go home and am actually around my whole family that i can let it out, and not have to be the strong one. i've been trying not to think about the particularly upsetting stuff, like not getting to say goodbye and not getting to tell her i love her, and complaining about her all the time.

jesus christ i feel bad for my father.

Shit. This has been breaking my heart just reading it. Fuck.

I really don't know what to say. I am so, so sorry to hear of your loss. I feel really stupid not knowing what to say except I'm sorry. Big hugs from me. xoxox

[afronaut]

I'm really sorry to hear that. I've never had to deal with anything like this, so I don't know what advice I could give you. Just, stay strong, but not too strong. You not only can cry, you should cry. Let it out wherever, no one is going to think you're weak. The most important thing right now is just being there for your family, and letting them be there for you.

[Yetra Flam]

thank you for your kind words and pms everyone. the kindness of absolute strangers really means a lot to me, and makes me feel like i will be able to get through this.

[avignon]

Oh, sweetie. :(

[Documad]

I'm very sorry. Don't beat yourself up over your conduct at the funeral, but try to find a way to tell your dad that you love him and that you're sorry if you weren't as responsive as he might have liked. It has to be really difficult for him. If I remember right, he's quite a bit older than your mom, so he probably didn't expect to outlive her. And men don't handle being alone as well as women. Try to be as kind as you can be to him. (My mom was completely lost when my dad died and got even more clingy than usual, it was suffocating.)

Don't beat yourself up for not being there at the end. Deathbed vigils are overrated. Your mom loved you and knew that you loved her. She wanted you to leave Tasmania, right? I'll bet it was a comfort to her that you were out in the world experiencing new things. It's what parents want for their kids. And don't worry about having been a pain in the ass off and on. That goes with the territory when you're a parent. Everyone knows that has nothing to do with true love. No one says everything they should say to their loved ones.

No one in our family was with my dad when he died. We had lived at the hospital off and on, but then he went and died in the middle of one night when he had stabilized and we had finally gone home for a rest. I think he did it on purpose, because when he had been lucid, he kept telling us to go home and get on with our lives and leave him.

[Documad]

By the way, when you get back into your regular routine again, don't be afraid to talk to other people about your mom's illness and death. There are many families that have been touched by cancer and you will find a support network in places where you don't expect it. But you're not going to find the support if no one knows what you've been going through.

[Yetra Flam]

i just don't want to burden other people with my own grief. i know it makes some people really uncomfortable and they don't know how to deal with a person that has just lost someone.

[Documad]

Some people don't know how to deal with it. Other people do. People who can handle talking about it will let you know who they are. So many people have lost close family members, it's like a secret society.

You don't have to pour your heart out to everyone -- just be reasonably honest with people who seem receptive to honesty. And be sure to listen to their stories as well as telling your own. When someone says "how are you doing?" you don't have to say "fine." You can say "it's harder than I thought it would be." If the person says, "well hang in there" then let it drop. If the person says "I know what you mean" then say "oh, did you lose someone."

It might be a while till you're ready to talk to real people in your life, but you have to talk about it at some point.

[Yeti]

Zorra, I am sorry to hear about your mother. You will always carry her memory in your thoughts and in your heart so she will live on.

You have taken an independent path of discovery and I am sure she was very proud.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.