so guys, I needs advice

[ericlee]

Yeah, another scuffle with the lady thread. I'm pretty sure I'll be on the market again after this one.

So I told her that I'll pay 100% for everything. Rent, bills etc. Basically telling her not to worry about a thing.

Anyhow, I told her this when we were living as normal. I.E, not having her pops camp out in my living room for 6 months really cramping my style and making me feel very uncomfortable. I'm just not a happy camper. As said before, the place just isn't big enough for extra people, not just that, I'm pretty sure it's a zoning violation.

Anyhow, rent comes around. She nastily "told" me to make sure I pay it all. I told her if she thinks it's fair. Paying rent in a place in which I haven't even sat on my own couch in 3 months. Hey, I've got 3 more to go!! Woo hoo!

Anyhow, I'm slightly pissed. I tell her it's time to talk to he pops, have her translate to him my feelings of being uncomfortable and I think it's fair now to have my wife share the rent being that he's already established himself in my apartment. Basically took it over. I have a flatscreen and I've been dying to get dish. Well to make things short, she got dish finally but it was a Chinese package. For her dad's comfort.

Well I'm telling her dad that we're all adults. Them moving in was unorginized and just improper. I tell him that pitching in on rent would be considerable.

He's thinking the same thing as my wife. Basically telling me that I should move out.

Yeah, it wasn't going to be good if I stuck around after that. Yep, I'm still in LI with my friend for now..

[funk63]

I'd bail the fuck out.

[Lex Diamonds]

For real man, sounds like this chick has used you for long enough. I don't know what the deal is but it sounds to me like you're putting a lot more into that marriage than you're getting out. Bear in mind that she is basically getting a free house for her and her father in a country that she otherwise wouldn't be allowed to live in.

You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable or sidelined by the way your own wife treats you, anyone looking in from the outside can see that's a bad deal. Sorry if I'm being insensitive at all but you're a decent enough guy and you deserve my honest opinion. I call it how I see it, and you're being exploited, straight up.

[paul jones]

I'm sending the ghost of ODB to sort out your situation

[ericlee]

I dunno, maybe it's me to blame to having an "alternitave" lifestyle. I still think that if you love someone, no matter their cultural differnce, you should take time and consideration to their lifestyle, which I have done.

Yeah, as waus posted before, ya marry an Asian, the parents come along with it. I know this but to go ahead and take things that away from you that you look forward to away..

[Lex Diamonds]

I dunno man, it sounds to me like you're justifying her rapaciousness instead of looking at it as a problem.

Whatever, I've said my piece. It's out there, take what you want from it.

[na§tee]

how exactly is your lifestyle 'alternative'? it seems you work extremely hard and enjoy the small pleasures the rest of us do.

i thought if you were married to someone you split the responsibilities/bills etc?

sorry, i don't know the whole situation here. why are her parents here? on an extended holiday? ill health? why?

[RobMoney$]

Please don't tell me you're footing the bill for the Chinese package on your dish too?

[Planetary]

i think you need bringing to your senses more than you need advice. slightly annoyed? fuck that.

I might be being insensitive but seriously WTF.

[HotAndWet]

do you guys have kids? I'd say maybe try to go to therapy together or something if you do have kids, for their sake....but honestly she just seems very selfish and not understanding at all, maybe just explain to her how you feel etc and if she doesn't compromise get away from her.

[b i o n i c]

you know what i think. my gut never lies

[AceFace]

i think eric, this is more of a clash of cultural differences.

you think you should be open to her cultural ways and treat them with respect, which is honorable, but it doesn't seem like she is returning the favor. seems maybe daddy thinks his girl shouldn't be with an american boy so maybe he's pushing the issue to get rid of you? or maybe their culture is so deep that you'll never completely understand it and be treated like an outsider the rest of your life.

i feel for you. this has got to be painful.

[Knuckles]

Just from the things you have posted on here I think it might be time to call it quits. You have done all you can buddy. I can only imagine what it would be like to end a marriage. (n) Sorry my man. :(

[taquitos]

if it's only three months and then things go back to normal you should just
tough it out, and talk to her about the sacrifices you are making. she must
already know, but if this relationship really meant enough to you guys to get
married i would think you could get through three months. three months is a
very small amount of time to throw away a lifetime of marriage over.


maybe i'm just playing devil's advocate, but i thought most of the responses to
this thread seem pretty knee-jerk.

[ms.peachy]

maybe i'm just playing devil's advocate, but i thought most of the responses to
this thread seem pretty knee-jerk.

I don't know if I'd say 'knee-jerk' - it's more that eric's posted about problems he's had with the missus more than once here before, so to the outside observer, it might seem like there's a lot of ongoing negativity in the relationship.

eric, here's the deal - only you really know the full picture. I'd give you the old 'Ann Landers' advice - when people would write in to her asking if they should stay or go, she'd tell them to sit down and write two brutally honest lists, one called "reasons to stay" and one headed "reasons to leave".

If I recall correctly, you don't have children with her, just one from a previous relationship (is that right?), so if you do decide to end it, that certainly makes it less complicated.

[Kid Presentable]

Just leave her man. If it's getting this infuriating reading about it, I can't imagine how masochistic you must be to stay.

[kll]

Is there any love involved anymore?

[hitmonlee]

if someone asks for advice i think its ok to tell them exactly what you think

which is what i did in the thread where he mentioned divorce... was that a year ago now?

[b i o n i c]

a red flag went up to me when she started being nutty and pushing you to buy a house at the same time. you can do better and you should. if you get divorced, you wont need to put up with this crap AND hopefully will get to keep and multiply your money. better for your daughter than someone who doesnt mind wreaking havok by denying you peace.

[Waus]

Hi eric.

I've been in that spot, paying rent on a place I barely stay at because people camp out in the livingroom. It really does suck.

I'm sure it seems like your wife is being really unfair right now. It looks like it from here, but maybe she's just seeing it as an agreement you two made - and changing it now would be going against your word. I mean, did you agree to pay the rent and bills only if your marriage was at a high point?

The whole situation sounds really hard, but I think you can't stay with your friend for too much longer if you really want to make it work. That distance would seriously drive a wedge between me and my sig. other, so I imagine it's doing the same in your relationship.

[marsdaddy]

Not to pick on you eric, but if you two spoke as honestly and directly to each as you did in your first post of this thread, wouldn't things be a bit more clear?

[ericlee]

how exactly is your lifestyle 'alternative'? it seems you work extremely hard and enjoy the small pleasures the rest of us do.

i thought if you were married to someone you split the responsibilities/bills etc?

sorry, i don't know the whole situation here. why are her parents here? on an extended holiday? ill health? why?

alternative in the fact that I didn't marry a westerner..

I'm still trying to figure why her rents are here. We were supposed to have a house, we waited 6 months, the deal fell through.

We would have had room for them to visit. They are here for such a long time because they're working on getting their visas.

They know the house didn't go through, they have a place to live back in China, no emergencies. Thank god none of her family was harmed in the earthquake.

I'm looking at it like this. Would I even think about going ahead and deciding to camp out in their place like that for a half a year? That's just strange man. I already know I'm going to be imposing myself pretty hard.

Her mom is here working. My wife is working. Her pops is here 24/7, alot longer than I am here a day so why should be argument in pitching in the bills?

Here's how it is now. Either I move out or they do. "They". meaning my wife and them.

My wife's idea. Not even offering for her parents to move out and my wife stays with me. She moves out too.

It's just nuts. Everyone should map out their actions. They want to stay somewhere for 6 months, they gotta understand that it's a half year that you're talking about. For that length of time, you better do some planning.

Yeah, they're new to the states, etc.. but my wife isn't and she's very smart about finding accommodations and she could have done something to make sure nobody would be cramped and is comfortable.

I mean, this sucks. Yeah we fight. It's expected. Everyone has their arguments with each other. I can't believe we're about to split up because of my inlaws. This is just unreal.

[ericlee]

Not to pick on you eric, but if you two spoke as honestly and directly to each as you did in your first post of this thread, wouldn't things be a bit more clear?

There is none of that type of conversation with her. She's deaf ears. You try to talk with her and she blows off the handle. Screams.

Also, I pretty much had everything translated almost the exact way it's typed to her pops. It didn't do anything. I was basically told by him that I need to move out. Yeah, I stared him down for a minute. Pissed off and just had to leave.

And for everyone that wants to hear the "other" end of the story. What are you wanting to hear? I'm a plain and simple guy. Very basic. I like to hang out at home, go to work and not miss days. I've had this job for almost 2 years and I've called off 2 times. I want to make sure we're living in security.

I rarely like to go out but I am now, more than often. I hate it. I don't know anybody, it's expensive but what is my other options? Stay at home now?

But as far as hearing the "other" end of the story, you're reading it. I'm not hiding anything.

[abcdefz]

Maybe you can spend time with them, getting to know them...?

I'd also try getting into marital counseling. And if your wife won't go, you go anyway. It sounds like you and your wife need to figure out
how to communicate. There has to be some way to have a discussion without her resorting to screaming. She does that because it
obviously works.

[bigblu89]

My thing is this, I'd have to assume you had at least one argument prior to you asking her to marry you, correct?

You saw how she flies off the handle at the slighest hint of an argument brewing, and still thought to yourself that
this is the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?

[camo]

sup sup!! I'm almost there myself.. And I think you're hot n' stuff. ]


haha, oh man that was creepy.

*mouth pukes*

ha ha cheers.

Sorry to see your predicament too (n)

[ericlee]

My thing is this, I'd have to assume you had at least one argument prior to you asking her to marry you, correct?

You saw how she flies off the handle at the slighest hint of an argument brewing, and still thought to yourself that
this is the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?

she's changed alot since we got back to the states. We had our little spats before we got married but it never got out of control and she never acted like that.

She says she's stressed from her job.

[ericlee]

Maybe you can spend time with them, getting to know them...?

I'd also try getting into marital counseling. And if your wife won't go, you go anyway. It sounds like you and your wife need to figure out
how to communicate. There has to be some way to have a discussion without her resorting to screaming. She does that because it
obviously works.

I don't have work hours that allow me to have time getting to know them. I get home from work and he's crashed out already. Regardless if I get to know them better, people still get tired of seeing each other and bumping into them.

It would be like me ironing my uniform and hanging it on the bathroom door and going to get something from the bedroom before I take a shower. He walks into the bathroom and takes a dump. I have to take a shower in the guy's stink now and my clean uniform was sitting there while he was taking a dump. It's simple things but they're adding up.

I think I'd better go to counseling myself. I'm really feeling like I'm losing my mind. Real stressed.

[ms.peachy]

I think I'd better go to counseling myself. I'm really feeling like I'm losing my mind. Real stressed.

Do it. You need the release and the support.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

[Documad]

I'm going to break my promise and post the same thing that made you mad last time: You need to see a professional. By yourself. Not with the wife. You need to talk this through with someone who knows what he/she is doing. This board is a great place to vent. People here like you. They will tell you what they think you want to hear or maybe they just haven't experienced anything as serious as what you're going through. If you want to vent, vent here. If you want advice, please see a professional. I have two friends who did (without the spouse). They both only went to a few sessions and they were helped -- one stayed in the marriage and one left and they both think they made the right choice. Go just one time. If you don't like it you don't have to go again.

I wish you and your wife all the best.

[ericlee]

I'm going to break my promise and post the same thing that made you mad last time: You need to see a professional. By yourself. Not with the wife. You need to talk this through with someone who knows what he/she is doing. This board is a great place to vent. People here like you. They will tell you what they think you want to hear or maybe they just haven't experienced anything as serious as what you're going through. If you want to vent, vent here. If you want advice, please see a professional. I have two friends who did (without the spouse). They both only went to a few sessions and they were helped -- one stayed in the marriage and one left and they both think they made the right choice. Go just one time. If you don't like it you don't have to go again.

I wish you and your wife all the best.

thanks and I'll go get some help. In all honesty, I don't want to really lose her. I've known her for quite a bit before we got married and she's never been so hateful. Everytime we get into it and I take off and when I come back, she's a nicer person. Something needs to be done.

I have a stronger urge to drink as of now. Still keeping it only on the weekends but I drink stupidly. Crap like that scares me and I don't want to go that route.

[befsquire]

*note: i did not read the thread because i'm lazy

eric, you're at the point where no one can properly tell you what to do, because it's a unique situation. we all want to help, but no advice is going to be what's right or what's wrong here. do what you feel is right, and if it goes bad, re-evaluate.

all my best :)

[Videodrome]

rapaciousness

i had to look that shit up.

[RobMoney$]

alternative in the fact that I didn't marry a westerner..

I'm still trying to figure why her rents are here. We were supposed to have a house, we waited 6 months, the deal fell through.

We would have had room for them to visit. They are here for such a long time because they're working on getting their visas.


I have a co-worker who married a girl from China. According to him, getting a visa/greencard/citizenship is a YEARS long process that's riddled with redtape and application fees. He's always making trips up there to NYC to go to the Chinese Consolute for one thing or another.


They know the house didn't go through, they have a place to live back in China, no emergencies. Thank god none of her family was harmed in the earthquake.

I'm looking at it like this. Would I even think about going ahead and deciding to camp out in their place like that for a half a year? That's just strange man. I already know I'm going to be imposing myself pretty hard.

Her mom is here working. My wife is working. Her pops is here 24/7, alot longer than I am here a day so why should be argument in pitching in the bills?

According to my buddy's wife, moving to the US for a lot of Chinese people is only a dream. We're all aware China's a communist country with a lot of poverty. I'm sure your wife and her parents are grateful for your help.

Here's how it is now. Either I move out or they do. "They". meaning my wife and them.

My wife's idea. Not even offering for her parents to move out and my wife stays with me. She moves out too.

It's just nuts. Everyone should map out their actions. They want to stay somewhere for 6 months, they gotta understand that it's a half year that you're talking about. For that length of time, you better do some planning.

How about you move out for the 3 months until they leave and then you move back in with the wife? Is that an option at this point? The distance should make things more clear for both you and your wife.

Yeah, they're new to the states, etc.. but my wife isn't and she's very smart about finding accommodations and she could have done something to make sure nobody would be cramped and is comfortable.

I mean, this sucks. Yeah we fight. It's expected. Everyone has their arguments with each other. I can't believe we're about to split up because of my inlaws. This is just unreal.

If I were you, I'd come home with a case of Tsingtao and tell the old man scootch over on the couch and change the channel and put Jerry Springer on.

Good luck with all this man.

[Kid Presentable]

Hey eric, by the by, I only meant it gets infuriating to read about how crummy this situation is. Not a jab at you, man. I just think you deserve to be happy is all.

[sjp]

Leave her man, apparently you give everything and don't get anything in return, and hell i'd boot my girls dad if came and live with us for an extended period of time i know its mean cause its family but come on thats over staying your welcome. and to take away the chance for your son in law to be happy and keep his wife happy even though she doesn't seem thankful at all. Get out while you can.

[ericlee]

I'm probably going to find someplace to stay for 3 months. According to my wife, he's offering to move out. We'll see.

If he moves out and we start living as normal things just may get better. Good points rob, yes it is hard to get a visa and such but I still think they should have gotten somewhere to stay while they're here. I for sure can't take 3 more months of her mom walking around my place in her pajamas and him in his underwear. I'm just not supposed to see these things.