dating friends

[insertnamehere]

what do you guys think about starting to date one of your friends? do you only date people you've established a friendship with first? would you never date a friend for fear of ruining the friendship? whats the general rule of thumb when it comes to this kind of thing? i'll spare you all the long complicated story of why i ask. i just need some input on the matter.

[cookiepuss]

I think the maturity level of the people involved makes a difference. if both of you are emotionally mature, then you can probably find a balance and hopefully your friendship isn't at risk if the romance part ends.

personally, I've ended up sleeping with male friends of mine...it's usually a rebound thing or a drunken thing and our friendship survived it...but I've never tried to make a relationship out of a friendship. So I can't really give advice on that.

[insertnamehere]

so you all are going to hate me for this but i really dont have anyone to talk to about this and im in the really needing people's input phase of my being incredibly upset right now

i posted about this guy a few weeks back, but to recap, we met a year and some months ago when he lived here, hung out a few times, etc. he moved back to his home town and we kept in touch via AIM. in recent months our conversing has moved to calling and talking to each other one way or another every day. we got progressively more flirtations, and then one day he said he was going to come here for a show and asked if he could crash at my place. sure, i says. here we start watching a movie, fooling around and eventually end up doing it.

after he returns home we talk about it and said i sorta had wanted to kiss him but i didnt know if he would be cool with that. he said yeah he didnt really like kissing in the friends with benifits kind of situation or cuddling, mostly because he wasnt over some other girl, and im like, ok im cool with that. i am perfectly aware at this point that its strictly friends and i'm cool with it. but then things started to change after that. his tone with me started to change, he always said how great i was, how awesome i was to talk to, how much we had in common, etc. and kept planning when he'd be able to come see me next. and we talked all the time.

the next time he made it up here, he came only to see me. he stayed here for two days and for that entire two days we basically just cuddled and talked and it was awesome. i think i need to throw in that long before i saw him first after he moved away, he said how he didnt want a relationship because hes getting deployed soonish and he doesnt want to have to deal with the complications of that. i respected and understood that and thought, hell i'll enjoy it while he's here. we dont have to put a lable on it and i'll still keep in touch with him while he's gone.

more of the same kind of stuff continued. he came up here this last week and stayed from monday night to thursday afternoon, and when he first got here, he kissed me! surely this must be a good sign, i think. hang out, have a great time, he says things like he feels like his time here is passing too quickly, etc.

apparently some girl had seen him at his place of work and thought he was cute. she asked her friend, his coworker of his, to introduce them. so friday the three of them went out for coffee. i didnt hear from him until last night, when he calls to tell me this girl is really cool and he thinks he wants to date her. needless to say, i didnt take it very well. i then had to tell him how i felt about him and all that (i think it was pretty obvious as soon as he said he wanted to date this girl anyway)

i ask him why he wants to date this girl, and he says he doesnt know and that he has to break up with her before he gets deployed, and that he told her that. i ask him, basically, what's wrong with me and he says that im a really great friend, that he still wants to see me, that he still intends to visit and would still like to sleep (as in actually sleep) with me, just no hanky panky, and tells me that hes never dated anyone hes been friends with first and that he thinks that has something to do with it.

tl;dr i got pwnd.

i have no idea what to make of the situation or what to do now. break all contact with him? i do really enjoy his friendship. i cant decide how much of what he's saying is true and how much is to spare my feelings. does he mean "i dont want to date you because i dont want to ruin our friendship?" and if so... id say currently our friendship is pretty compromised. did he just want in my pants the whole time? am i right to be upset about this? i really thought i was getting vibes like he was into me.

the "i've never dated anyone i was friends with first, i think that has something to do with it" is really getting to me.

i apologize for the length of this post, but i felt a thorough backstory was necessary. everyone can start telling me how stupid i am now. except randy. you have to tell me how much you want to have sex with me.

[AceFace]

i was friends with my husband for about 5 years before we started dating. we were even going to be room mates at one time. that woulda been weird, but i like the fact that we were friends first. when we're out and about, we seem to be real buddies all the time and a lot of that, i think, stems from when we were friends when we were younger.

[insertnamehere]

yeah, see, i think being friends first is important.

i feel like it gives real substance to the relationship. romance is nice but i feel like its pretty fleeting. you need a real solid partnership with someone for a long term relationship.

i understand the fears of not wanting to ruin a friendship by dating but at the same time, i feel like probably the best relationships come out of friendships.

this is coming from someone with no real experience though, so my opinion might not be worth much.

[AceFace]

oh, and that "friends before we made it" line is bs. that's his way of getting out of it.

if i were you, i'd tell him that you need to break your friendship off and never talk to him again. he's just used you, in my opinion.

he broke his own rules of kissing and cuddling whilst "just wanting to be friends" so he's the one that can get along without you. he also decided that he couldn't date you b/c of future deployment but it's totally cool to date this other chick? yeah. he used you. i'm sorry honey. you don't need him in your life whatsoever.

[Loppfessor]

Ideally I would really like to go back to my hometown and hook up with a girl that I have known and been friends with for years...just seems like a better foundation. Plus they already know you the good and the bad

[insertnamehere]

yeah...

on the one hand i feel like i cant really be mad at him. he's been honest with me about the whole thing when it comes down to it. but i dont think it was unreasonable for me to make the assumptions that i did, given the circumstances.

and he never said he woudlnt date ME because of deployment. just that he didnt want to date. i thought it was a good policy so i was doing my part to keep shit casual too.

in all honesty, and i cant decide if this makes me feel better or worse... i think hes trying to get with this girl just to get in her pants. on the one hand, it makes me feel bad cause thats a pretty asshole thing to do. on the other hand it sorta makes me feel better because its like, shes disposable and he wants to keep me around because he actually likes me as a person.

im thinking about maybe just waiting things out and, not avoiding him per se, but not actively seeking him out. if he tries to talk to me, fine, but i wont go out of my way to keep in touch with him. also, if he says he wants to come up here to visit me, tell him theres gonna be nothing physical. if he wants to drive two hours strictly for the pleasure of my company, he's welcome to.

he seems to acknowledge the fact that he's being a complete dumbass and that he feels bad about it. when he tells me about it he sounds almost embarrassed. and in all honesty, i milked the guilt thing a little, but i think ive made him feel plenty bad. from here on out i'll let him make himself feel bad about it.

[insertnamehere]

oh yeah, and my evidence for thinking he just wants in this girls pants....

he intends to dump her at the end of 3 months, and shes a 17 year old highschool cheerleader. and she's a virgin.

for some reason i get the feeling that he's not madly in love with her or respects her very much...

[AceFace]

it's cliche but true... with friends like that, who needs enemies.

seriously.

[insertnamehere]

i have an arch nemisis

it feels pretty good to have that much contempt for one person. im actually really glad that we crossed paths, because hating her gives me so much pleasure

i'd recommend that everyone get one.

[kaiser soze]

A cheerleader who's a virgin?!?

riiiight

Anyways ya fucked him now forget about him

I had a friendship that got pretty darn close to sex, thank god we opted not to and are still close and comfy

[HotAndWet]

What the fuck? I tried posting something and it didn't show up....
anyway yeah you're probably better off without him, a better guy will come around and you'll forget about him.

[insertnamehere]

A cheerleader who's a virgin?!?

riiiight

Anyways ya fucked him now forget about him

I had a friendship that got pretty darn close to sex, thank god we opted not to and are still close and comfy

i was surprised myself, but he kept me posted on the situation as it was developing, i think because he really didnt expect anything to come of it. sort of like, "haha my friend says her 17 year old friend has a crush on me and asks her about me all the time. highschool girls are dumb. but apparently she's super christian. (friend) said i probably woudlnt be interested in hre because shes a virgin and a super christian. she tried to give her bf head once and felt horribly guilty about it for ages"

i wonder if he's aware of how much he's going to totally destroy her soul if this plays out like it looks like its going to. i feel like i need to warn him about what a bad idea it is, but then i'll look like im just being a jealous girl.

knowing how girls function though, if they go the three months without a hitch and do the nasty and all that, when it comes time for him to leave, even though he told her beforehand, shes going to be convinced that they can make it work while hes in the iraq for 15 months and its going to get ugly and lots of feelings are going to get hurt.

[kaiser soze]

and you will live vicariously through it all....move on, mind your business, and find someone new and better

[Dorothy Wood]

ah ha! I knew you were in love with this dude. he's an asshole, a terrible person. like he doesn't know that there's a possibility of breaking that teenage girl's heart, pfft. he doesn't give a shit about anybody but himself and he's given you nothing but excuses. drop that shit NOW.

I dealt with a kid like this back when I was 18 and he was all, "you're great, let's make out, but I don't want a relationship because I'm joining the marines", and then he did and then it turned out he had a girlfriend (age 16) the whole time we were making out and talking all the time, and throughout his entire boot camp when he was writing me letters. later on that chick harassed me online for 2 years after she found out her boyfriend cheated on her with me. and he and I even got together a couple of time after that and he told me he loved me, but I got pretty sick of being jerked around. I carried a torch for that kid for wayyy too long until I realized I was better than that.

just don't even get involved any further with this guy. he's trash for serious. I'm not saying he doesn't care about you, he just cares about himself way more. I'm sure you guys connect and enjoy each other's company, but it's only on his terms and that's completely uncool.



as for dating friends, it's all good until he tears out your heart and takes a shit on it.

[russhie]

^ ahahaha

[BangkokB]

After tirelessly scrolling down the thread: I'll say this~ Dating Friends is a Deadend Road. Try having a Thread about Fucking Them: Then you at least get your druthers out of it

[insertnamehere]

ah ha! I knew you were in love with this dude.

i was not initially. and to begin with i was totally aware that he had no feelings for me. i really expected it to be a one time thing. but after that we started talking every single day and he came to visit me as often as possible. he was in japan for 2 weeks and i still heard from him a few times. then he started to make cuddles with me. the he started kissing me, and all this after he made a big deal out of not wanting to cuddle/kiss someone he didnt have feelings for.

i guess thats the part that confuzzles me. he says he never had any feelings for me, but he sure as hell started acting like it, and this would have continued im sure had he not met this other girl.

i talked to him last night and told him what a horrible idea this girl was, which he doesnt want to hear from me, but someone needed to say it. i told her he was going to crush her soul... but he told her that if they dated he was breaking up with her before he left and he also told her than him not having sex the 3 months before he left was not an option and she said if he wanted to date her she would so... if she agrees to his terms and conditions i guess it's gonna be on her.

i guess im mostly sad about losing his friendship though. yeah yeah, he's horrible to women, but as long as you stay in the "friend" category and not the "girl im interested in/want to bone" category, he's a cool guy. if you haven't been able to tell, im an odd kettle of fish, and we have an incredible number of similarities that makes our talking/hanging out most enjoyable. too bad he's a dickhole :(

[Randetica]

*sympathy fuck*

[insertnamehere]

it's about damn time. i was starting to think that you didnt love me anymore :(

[Dorothy Wood]

meh, you're not as strange as you think.

I don't care how things developed, he's a fucking asshole. sounds like a sociopath almost with that, "you better fuck me before I go to iraq" shit. to a 17 year old christian virgin! complete bullshit, unacceptable behavior from anyone. and really sad that he thinks it's a reasonable thing to even think about, do or even tell you about it.

this is not a cool guy. this is a horrible person who doesn't deserve friends. it's one thing to fuck a bunch of sluts, fine...but going after girls who are virgins who are purportedly christian and yadda yadda...that's low. especially since she's 17 and obviously an idiot.

fuck, this shit makes me so mad. :mad:

[cookiepuss]

i talked to him last night and told him what a horrible idea this girl was, which he doesnt want to hear from me, but someone needed to say it. i told her he was going to crush her soul... but he told her that if they dated he was breaking up with her before he left and he also told her than him not having sex the 3 months before he left was not an option and she said if he wanted to date her she would so... if she agrees to his terms and conditions i guess it's gonna be on her.



gee a teenage girl is going to give up her cherry even though she's not ready to, just cause she's so damn desperate for attention and love. like that hasn't happened a million times before. :rolleyes: no it's not on her just cause she's going along with his wishes...she a fucking kid who doesn't know half of what she thinks she knows about love/sex. she thinks this is the way to get what she wants, that she'll lure him in with her virgin snatch but...she has no idea what she's really agreeing to.

sad. and he KNOWS what he's doing, but it seems he doesn't give a damn.

at this point I agree with everyone else...forget about being friends/lovers or anything with this douche-bag.

[AceFace]

how old is this douche?

[sjp]

if it works more power to you cause it can be hard but if you can do it definitely sometimes dating a friend is the best thing cause they already know pretty much everything about you.

[russhie]

i was not initially. and to begin with i was totally aware that he had no feelings for me. i really expected it to be a one time thing. but after that we started talking every single day and he came to visit me as often as possible. he was in japan for 2 weeks and i still heard from him a few times. then he started to make cuddles with me. the he started kissing me, and all this after he made a big deal out of not wanting to cuddle/kiss someone he didnt have feelings for.

i guess thats the part that confuzzles me. he says he never had any feelings for me, but he sure as hell started acting like it, and this would have continued im sure had he not met this other girl.


Don't assume anything. You fuck someone, feelings are going to develop for one party no matter how much you convince yourself they won't. So, he broke his own no-kissy rule, doesn't mean he likes you anymore than his next fuck - it's just kissing, he didn't actually do or say anything to indicate further interest. If he says at the start "this is a strictly casual, no strings type deal" then you play it that way until he announces his undying love for you, or you get sick of it.

Seriously, it's frustrating for people who just want casual stuff, because you can be clear as you like about things in the beginning, and by the end of it the other party has read something into it that was never intended. I'm currently in a position where I'm going to have to be the asshole who spurns the affections of another - all because he read into the physical side of things a little too much.

Sexual acts and kissing/hanging out don't mean much. It's when they start being there for you when you need them, and they start to rely on you for things other than sex that maybe you can start to believe that something more could possibly develop.

[insertnamehere]

yeah. i know, he made it clear and its my own fault, yadda yadda.

he did start to act differently though. and he would come to me with shit that he was like, "dont tell anyone about this plz cause i dont want people to find out and im not even going to tell (his best guy friend since forever)"

and we HAVE mutual friends, so its like, there is potential for me to tell someone. so i felt like that sort of counted for something. he had some really unpleasant shit going on in his life and he talked to me of all people about it.

anyways, an update on the situation: they're "official" now. we got into a tiff earlier and i basically told him he had been a complete dick and blocked him. when i saw on the myspaces that they're dating now tonight i unbloekd him to be like whaaaaat? cause he even said before he didnt want to rush into anything. during this conversation he also said that, apparently during their "we're dating now" conversation he told her about me and that he still intended to come see me. he also had his top friends rearranged. i wasnt up there before. now im just behind his new girlfriend. who also wasnt up there before BECAUSE THEY JUST MET FRIDAY

maybe he banged his head on something. i cant believe that one person could be so illogical in so short a period of time. thats probably it. he has a brain disease. poor guy.

[paul jones]

oh the stories I could tell...

anyway,fuck him and his new girlfriend.

always say to yourself ' I'm No.1 and if they can't see that then that's their loss'

....then watch some porn

[insertnamehere]

yeah. the top friends thing seems especially weird. like, "oh sorry i treated you poopy, look how high you rank amongst my other friends though!"

i'll let him do what he wants. i'm expecting a "waaah i made a mistake" somewhere down the road. in which case im gonna say HAHA TOLD YOU SO

and then probably comfort him because im a good hearted person incapeable of holding grudges :(

though i have a new goal of not having sex again until im actually in a relationship with someone. that seems like a pretty good goal.

that makes me sound like a dirty whore. ive only slept with two people ever, honest.

[na§tee]

woman, dump him. jesus fucking christ.

[Randetica]

that makes me sound like a dirty whore. ive only slept with two people ever, honest.

yes with me and lyman ya dirty wHOre (y)

[Dorothy Wood]

anybody who changes their myspace status to "in a relationship" after only a few days is a fucking retard. also the fact that you blocked him is stupid.

I guess the young people live their lives out online these days, but jesus.

bleh, you're gonna look back at this and realize how ridiculous you all were acting (including the 17 year old virgin whore). what are you guys, like 20? yeah, maybe like 3 to 5 years from now.

or maybe by then it'll be even worse, we'll have scrolling status information and blogs displayed on our foreheads. 2013 is gonna be INTENSE!


edit: also, this "flirting" with randy stuff is getting pretty gross, bleh, it's making me uncomfortable. :(

[Randetica]

since when got fistfucking anything to do with flirting?

your naive thoughts disgust me

[Dorothy Wood]

:(

[insertnamehere]

anybody who changes their myspace status to "in a relationship" after only a few days is a fucking retard. also the fact that you blocked him is stupid.

I guess the young people live their lives out online these days, but jesus.

i agree wholeheartedly with the status thing. perfect example of why: i had a friend who's little news feed thing in three days times looked like this

monday: joel is in a relationship
tuesday: joel is in an open relationship
tuesday: joel is feeing unwanted :(
wendsday: joel is single


bleh, you're gonna look back at this and realize how ridiculous you all were acting (including the 17 year old virgin whore). what are you guys, like 20? yeah, maybe like 3 to 5 years from now.

i think they win at being rediculous. i'm just kind of hurt and semi-hope this works out horribly for him (i'm pretty sure it will). i think that's a natural response to rejection. and with regards to ages, im 22 in a couple days here, he's 20 and she's, well... 17

or maybe by then it'll be even worse, we'll have scrolling status information and blogs displayed on our foreheads. 2013 is gonna be INTENSE!

i don't like it when people say year numbers like that. it sounds scary. 2013 is THE FUTURE. like, terminator shit.


edit: also, this "flirting" with randy stuff is getting pretty gross, bleh, it's making me uncomfortable. :(

getting? where have you been the past couple of years?

[insertnamehere]

oh, i forgot to address one point.

i blocked him because we were having an internets fight and i said something nasty enough that i can imagine it enraged him. that conversation needed to be terminated before it got any worse.