ending an estrangement

[Dorothy Wood]

so, my mom's husband is out of town for a couple of weeks, and turns out my mom got drunk (uncharacteristically) the other day and called my father (and a bunch of other people from the past) and left a message. he called her back and left a message to her saying it was good to hear from her and he looked forward to talking to her, yadda yadda. she doesn't remember what she said, but it was something about forgiveness. so she asked me if she should call him back and I told her yes. so she did and they talked about me and a bunch of other crap, he still has some of her artwork and other mementos. they were divorced 20 years ago, whatever.

anyway, because of this, I basically have to have a dad again after 6 years of not speaking. but I don't know what to say or do. like, what are we supposed to talk about? uhh.

[ampm]

*yawn*

[kaiser soze]

It is weird having someone come back into your life like that. I had a step-sister who was out of my life for about the same time. She was a bit of a delinquent in her younger years but her mom is quite to blame for the lack of guidance and love that could have made the difference. I didn't hold it against her and embraced her return.

You're circumstances might be quite complicated, but the best thing to do is start off with small talk, gauge whether he is committed to being a part of your life or not. It depends on how immersed in your life you would like him to be and if he is capable or willing to be.

[Bjork]

what kind of father stays estranged from their child for 6 years?

just because your mom drunk dialed him? your going to meet up with him?

obviously there are missing pieces to this story .....

[Dorothy Wood]

well, he wants to talk to me. my mom didn't give him my phone number though. she told him she'd give me his if I wanted it.

we left my dad when I was 7. he is/was a sociopath. he tried to kill her basically, so we fled across the country.

after a year or so, there was visitation, but he never paid child support. and then maybe in 4th grade or something, my mom's friend sent her a newspaper article about my stepmother being arrested on charges of burglary after being released from the hospital from my dad beating the shit out of her. he was in jail and they searched their house and found drugs and guns. I decided I didn't want to see him anymore because I was scared of him. we talked on the phone every now and again, but he never really tried that hard to see me so I just stopped answering his calls around 6th or 7th grade.

then when I was 21, I decided to call him, and he cried and bought me a plane ticket and I visited and it was good. although he seemed kind of weird still. we didn't talk about the past, he never apologized to me. he gave me $500, that ruled. then he started calling me all the time and I don't know what happened, something to do with something he said about my mom that let me know that he was still a rotten bastard...and I just got mad and wrote a letter to him, and he wrote a mean one back, so I stopped talking to him. I honestly don't recall what any of it was about. but it was easy to cut him out of my life again.

I kind of just think that he should have tried harder all these years to be in my life. I really don't know what kind of role he even wants. I don't really have one for him. :/

[yeahwho]

Yeah I know the feeling, my parents divorced when I was at the same age and my Dad said some choice words once about my Mom and that was it... I just fucking decided it was incredibly bad form to say bad things about her and then be respected in any way shape or form from me.

Not the wisest thing to do is vent your anger over a failed relationship with the kid(s). My dad was never a crim, but he sure can talk some smack over my mom. It makes ya wan t to cringe.

Thanks for opening up those sores there Dorothy Wood, now I'm all fucked up.

And feeling estranged

[hellojello]

Well if you want to talk to him but don't really know what to say why don't you just call him and let him him talk to you. Apart from the niceties of hi how are you, you're not really obligated to talk about anything. After all it's him that said he wanted to talk to you, which would suggest, he has something to say. Let him do the hard work, the balls in his court. All you have to do is listen.

[jackrock]

Well if you want to talk to him but don't really know what to say why don't you just call him and let him him talk to you.

This sentence blew my mind.


Goodluck Dorothy.

[Loppfessor]

I think you should just stay away from him....I have played that back and forth game with my dad for years and it never ends well. You'll most likely wind up getting hurt. Also your mom should not be drunk dialing exes while married

[Randetica]

i had no contact with my dad for years either and now he is not a family member anymore, just a friend

[cookiepuss]

I would take some time to think about contacting him. no reason you need too jump into contacting him just because your mother did...(and sounds like her decision to do so wasn't made with a clearmind.)

I don't know if you have a therapist, but the kind of family issues you have don't usually get resolved in a heathly way without a professional guiding it. So even if you start talking to him again, the odds of you guys repairing your relationship all by yourselves is kinda unlikely.

don't rush into anything.

[RobMoney$]

we left my dad when I was 7. he is/was a sociopath. he tried to kill her basically, so we fled across the country.


WOW, sorry to hear that.


What are you hoping to get from an exchange with him, I mean what's the absolute best thing that could come of it?

[Dorothy Wood]

Well if you want to talk to him but don't really know what to say why don't you just call him and let him him talk to you. Apart from the niceties of hi how are you, you're not really obligated to talk about anything. After all it's him that said he wanted to talk to you, which would suggest, he has something to say. Let him do the hard work, the balls in his court. All you have to do is listen.


hey now, this is a lovely and calming response. thanks.


honestly, I'm not worried about being hurt by him. he's never been able to manipulate me because I don't rely on him for anything. I know that he treats people as objects (part of the sociopath thing), I know he's a liar, I know he's a womanizer. but he's an old man now, and even the last time I was in contact with him, I could tell that he had softened...he runs a cattle ranch and he was telling me that he couldn't bear to take the calves to market anymore because he was so attached to the cows and how they had personalities and whatnot, and how he never used to be like that. he used to only see them in terms of profit, not as anything alive or with feelings.

anyway, he and I actually have pretty similar personalities (I'm not a sociopath though, I don't think) and get along well. and I suppose it would be nice to mend things. bleh, I'll probably give it another couple of weeks or something.

[Bjork]

I would take some time to think about contacting him. no reason you need too jump into contacting him just because your mother did...(and sounds like her decision to do so wasn't made with a clearmind.).

don't rush into anything.

I agree with this.

[checkyourprez]

well, he wants to talk to me. my mom didn't give him my phone number though. she told him she'd give me his if I wanted it.

we left my dad when I was 7. he is/was a sociopath. he tried to kill her basically, so we fled across the country.

after a year or so, there was visitation, but he never paid child support. and then maybe in 4th grade or something, my mom's friend sent her a newspaper article about my stepmother being arrested on charges of burglary after being released from the hospital from my dad beating the shit out of her. he was in jail and they searched their house and found drugs and guns. I decided I didn't want to see him anymore because I was scared of him. we talked on the phone every now and again, but he never really tried that hard to see me so I just stopped answering his calls around 6th or 7th grade.

then when I was 21, I decided to call him, and he cried and bought me a plane ticket and I visited and it was good. although he seemed kind of weird still. we didn't talk about the past, he never apologized to me. he gave me $500, that ruled. then he started calling me all the time and I don't know what happened, something to do with something he said about my mom that let me know that he was still a rotten bastard...and I just got mad and wrote a letter to him, and he wrote a mean one back, so I stopped talking to him. I honestly don't recall what any of it was about. but it was easy to cut him out of my life again.

I kind of just think that he should have tried harder all these years to be in my life. I really don't know what kind of role he even wants. I don't really have one for him. :/


re-read that. a couple of times if you have to. i kinda think the answer to your question lies in that statement.

[Dorothy Wood]

that was 22 years ago, and he was a drug addict. no excuses, just sayin', he was riding the crazy train.