ATTN:People with parenting skillz

[Guy Incognito]

I possibly have a dilemma but i may be worrying about nothing here but thought i would seek the advice of fellow parents.

My daughter is two and is currently princess of tantrumsville! We are managing ok at home by not giving in to her and following thru and picking our battles and all that other advice people give you. But i am worried that the nursery she goes to arent doing the same. I picked her up yesterday and she was playing with a toy which i asked her to let go of because it was time to go. Cue screaming and crying. So i calmly explained that it wasnt hers and took it off her and gave it to one of the staff. Then the woman who runs the nursery came in, took one look at my daughter and asked what was the matter, when i explained she gave the toy back to her and siad "bring it back tomorrow" and looked at me and said "there, thats easier isnt it?" . I was a bit taken aback that she had undermined me a bit and now i am worried they are giving in to her a lot and this is buggering up everything we do with her at home.

Am i overreacting?
Should i say anything to them?
Am I picking the wrong battles?

I must stress that we have been very happy with everything they have done so far but now i'm worried that some of their ideas are very different to ours. Bear in mind it was the owner of the nursery, the woman who is in charge of everything they do.

I would appreciate some advice with this one please?

[Yorkshire~Rose]

I can sympathise whole heartedly.
Ava is two and a half and can go from little princess to little monster in 0.1 seconds :) But only with me...she knows how to push my buttons!

I can see how you would feel undermined - perhaps it was because it was the end of the day, she just wanted you to be able to get home without hassle - plus avoid any of the other kids acting up when they saw your daughter crying. Plus because she is the manager i doubt that she has that much interaction with your daughter so perhaps didn't know how the other staff handle her.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. Perhaps bring up the subject in conversation with the nursery nurses - how your daughter is during the day, how they handle any tantrums.

[ScarySquirrel]

I'm no parenting figure (heck, I only babysit a 3 month old)... but I thought I'd kick in my two cents anyway.

I don't think you should sweat it, man. People all have different ideas on how to raise kids and that's just part of life. Obviously your daughter is going to get different treatment at daycare than when she's at home. So long as her treatment at each respective place remains the same, I don't think it's anything to worry about. Ultimately, she'll realize that her parents are the ones to worry about the most, and that will all fall in line eventually...

Or something like that.

[King PSYZ]

Pick a different nursery immediately, if that's not a viable option, then you need to speak with her and her supervisor/nursery owner without your child present and explain to them that while you trust them to care for your child when she's there, you are the one who will continue to care for her for the rest of her life and undermining your authority is unacceptable.

You're not over reacting at all, it's your child and you get to decide how she's raised. We have far too many kids and young people with entitlement issues, and these devlopmental years is where it starts. Kids should be raised to know they have to earn something special and that every action has a reaction, good or bad.

[Matt]

Absolutely go to another nursery. It dosen't matter if most things are done the way you like. If they don't do things exactly the way you want them to be done, get your child out of there and find somewhere else. This is your kid, and these are your kids formative years.

Unfortunately, most nurseries and pre-schools take the "path of least resistance" form of educating. It might be that you're paying for it anyway, or that they only have to deal with the problem at hand and not the long-term consequences. Either way, its a pretty sad state of affairs.

[Adam]

I don't have kids but I would say have a word and if they feel they've/she has done nothing wrong then I would look else where. Nearest I've come to kid problems is going out with girls who have kids so I know finding another nursury, vetting places again, taking her away from her friends etc will be another nightmare - but I do see why you might be a bit miffed.

[ms.peachy]

If you are, as you say, generally quite happy with what is happening at nursery and this is the first incident to really give you pause, I would say 'pull her out immediately' is a bit of an overdramatic reaction. The woman might have honestly thought she was being helpful - as you say you have to pick your battles and she might have interpreted the situation as "hey it's no big deal, ust bring it with you tomorrow." The look you felt was "wasn't that easier" might in fact have been "there we go, all is well" - thinking that that was what you wanted. I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself very well, but basically what I am saying is, maybe she didn't realise you were trying to use this as a learning opportunity - maybe she thought you just wanted to get out of there with as little hassle as possible.

If your daughter is happy and well settled there, if she is well cared for and developing new skills, and if you've no other real complaints, then I see no point in upsetting the apple cart. Obviously keep your eyes open for any other red flags, but you'd be doing that anyway, and let this one ride.

[Guy Incognito]

thanks all.

I just picked her up again and she had the same toy in her hands, so again i asked her to leave it and i got a negative response. The owner wasnt there but a senior member of staff said it was totally up to me whether she takes it home or not. Then she asked me why did i want to take it off her, so i tactfully explained i didnt want it to escalate into a situation where she takes something home every day and that seemed to hit home.

I think i will just stick to my guns and nursery will have a better idea of how we want to approach this sort of stuff. I am not going to pull her out, thats too full on of a reaction, besides its not easy finding a decent nursery.

I was taken aback by the owner because she's the one who designs the curriculum and its her ideals behind the whole place, shes the one with the nursery studies degree so it made me doubt myself but i think its all a learning experience, my daughter did go ballistic all the way home but was fine after and hasnt mentioned it since.

I understand why they want kids happy all the time, it wouldnt look good if all parents turn up at home time to find all the kids crying because they are taking a harder line.

I understand its a massive juggling job keeping all kids and all parents happy so i am just going to continue what i am doing and hopefully both nursery and my daughter will get the message.

Thanks again all for your advice(y)

[BangkokB]

One Sunday years back I was eating brunch at some fancy pants restaurant in ATL and had the pleasure of listening to 2 parents try "bargaining" with their 5 year old the whole time I was there. I thought to myself: I'd love to see how this turns out in the years ahead. Please don't be that guy

[King PSYZ]

I'm glad it seems to be working out, but I would still speak with the owner to let her know while you're pleased with the service and all, undermining your authority is not acceptable.

As bangkok said, you give in now and you'll be bargining for the next 17 years...

[Guy Incognito]

One Sunday years back I was eating brunch at some fancy pants restaurant in ATL and had the pleasure of listening to 2 parents try "bargaining" with their 5 year old the whole time I was there. I thought to myself: I'd love to see how this turns out in the years ahead. Please don't be that guy

Oh no - i would rather we get kicked out for her screaming the place down than end up with something like that.

I'm glad it seems to be working out, but I would still speak with the owner to let her know while you're pleased with the service and all, undermining your authority is not acceptable.



I'm not say owt cos i think i should pick my battles with them as well. I think peachey said it best not to upset them over this - we're gonna need them for a while longer (2nd kid due in 7 weeks!).

[BangkokB]

Of the many jobs I've had in my adventure called life, waiter makes the list.

Listen, I hated telling people that their credit cards weren't any good. I could never stoop to the level of "kicking" someone out of a restaurant:Even if I wanted to. And I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in saying that. There are some things that society,as a whole, will tolerate- knowing full well that the situation could/and probably will boil over in years to come that will be smacked down and the parents won't be there to do their "bargaining" for them.

[RobMoney$]

Just trying to put myself in the Administrators shoes for a minute,

Is it possible that the Administrator didn't understand that you were trying to make a point to your kid or teach her a lesson? The Administrator walked into the middle of your daughter throwing a fit over a toy and thought it was unneccessary and thought she'd be nice and help you out by allowing her to just take the toy home?

Sounds like a simple case of miscommunication or just the Administrator not understanding the situation from your point of view.

[Guy Incognito]

Just trying to put myself in the Administrators shoes for a minute,

Is it possible that the Administrator didn't understand that you were trying to make a point to your kid or teach her a lesson? The Administrator walked into the middle of your daughter throwing a fit over a toy and thought it was unneccessary and thought she'd be nice and help you out by allowing her to just take the toy home?

Sounds like a simple case of miscommunication or just the Administrator not understanding the situation from your point of view.

yeah maybe - the owner has really impressed me before all this, its the first negative thing i have thought about the place. But i aint gonna make a thing out of it.

[BangkokB]

I'm gonna toss this balloon in the air for no reason at all: you need to drive your wife to the place while there's still a little bit of light left and park up front and make sweet, sweet to her and see what the Adm. has to say about that.

If she's a busy body then you will know that she is like a protective hen: trying to chaperon the chosen few

If she's absent then you'll know that she's looking after your kid and you have plenty to worry about because your kid needs special attention

The worst that can happen out of this is that you get to make sweet, sweet.

Unless, of course, the police show up. I'm told that's illegal in some states.


But not in Georgia

[ms.peachy]

Dude, are you, like, a bit drunk or summat?

[BangkokB]

did i leave my turn signal on? opps. My B....Hey: Let's get a TV Bigger than the DOOR can Fit! Amazing Things will happen. When I'm President EVERYONE will not only have a TV BUT THEY'LL HAVE THE HISTORY CHANNEL...AND THEY'LL LOVE IT

[Matt]

dude...my brain asploded.

[Dorothy Wood]

as a person trained in early childhood education, and a former preschool teacher, I think it was odd of the administrator to undermine you. but I can see what peachy and rob were saying about it possibly being a misunderstanding of the situation.

also, I think you should just be watchful for other red flags before you pull her out. if she seems like a genuine person, I wouldn't worry too much. maybe she's better at the education stuff rather than the discipline? even though that's part of education...uh.

I guess I'm just saying that having your child with nice people that care for her is more important than a small difference in behavior control styles. when I was a kid, I was in day care for a time and was subjected to unfair and uncaring caretakers who were basically just in it for the money (in the owner's case) or for what they thought would be an easy job.


one thing that sticks out in my mind is a snack situation where this lady (bobby) was spreading peanut butter on saltines for the snack and I hated peanut butter (still do), so I asked if I could have some plain crackers. she told me I had to eat the peanut butter or I get nothing. I told her that peanut butter made my tummy hurt (peanut butter did and still does make me nauseous), and she launched into a lecture telling me that I wasn't special and that I was a liar and sent me off with no snack when she could have just tossed me some crackers. I was 5 years old. that lady also put up a sign that said, "how can you soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys?" I had to ask my mom what it meant and I got really mad. dang, I have a good memory. weird. my hate for the woman must have gone to the core.

(and before anyone calls bullshit about reading that sign at age 5, my mom taught me how to read when I was 3)

[Guy Incognito]

I guess I'm just saying that having your child with nice people that care for her is more important than a small difference in behavior control styles. when I was a kid, I was in day care for a time and was subjected to unfair and uncaring caretakers who were basically just in it for the money (in the owner's case) or for what they thought would be an easy job.


They definitely have the kids interests at heart which i suppose i have taken for granted, not all nurseries do. When she isnt there we worry about her but i think thanks to them we worry less. Its just the stage my daughter is at, there's a lot stuff i ever never encountered before and i want to do as much as i can right but i end up worrying too much about getting it right.

BangkokB: I dont know what to say about your idea, words have failed me, it made me laugh though(y)