TELL ME A JOKE

[b i o n i c]

someone sent me these, har har:

"A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

*

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

*

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars and tell me, what do you see?"

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

maybe these are old, but i forgot how great a good joke can be - good ole fashioned jokes(y)

[MC Moot]

Laughter is the best medicine—unless you're a Christian Scientist.

Then it's pretty much the only medicine you've got.

[Dharma]

Its no fun reading a joke ... Jokes are for comedians or interfacing with someone.

[Dorothy Wood]

who farted?









































































John McCain

[MC Moot]

^ I love the smell of Naplam in the morning...

[MC Moot]

ALCOHOLICS EPONYMOUS...

BY JIMMY CHEN


MODERATOR: Thank you all for being here. I know this is very difficult. The first step is admitting that you have an addiction—I'd like to congratulate each one of you for doing that. Now let's go around the circle and introduce ourselves.

JACK DANIEL: Hi, I'm Jack.

ALL: Hi, Jack.

JIM BEAM: Hijack, my ass. I just got off the damn plane.

MODERATOR: Mr. Beam, please wait your turn—and we don't swear in our circle of trust.

JIM BEAM: (Silence.)

MODERATOR: That's better. I know you're a little strung out from last night. Hang in there, OK? Sir, how about you?

RÉMY MARTIN: Bonjour, je m'appelle Rémy Martin.

MODERATOR: Now, Rémy, I know you speak English.

RÉMY MARTIN: (Sigh.) Hi, I'm Rémy. You know, I try to throw in a little class and immediately get shut down.

JIM BEAM: Hey, froufrou, this is America—we're not impressed with that Frenchie stuff. That shit wouldn't pass in Kentucky, boy. Speak English.

RÉMY MARTIN: Vous me faites pitié.

JIM BEAM: English, boy.

RÉMY MARTIN: Vous me donnez la nausée. Ma bouche va littéralement s'ouvrir et mon dernier repas se déversera dans ce monde.

JIM BEAM: If you speak French one more time, I'll—

RÉMY MARTIN: Mm!

MODERATOR: Oh, dear.

JIM BEAM: English!

JOSE CUERVO: Inglés!

MODERATOR: Please.

RÉMY MARTIN: Voudriez-vous que je couvre votre tête de foie gras?

GREY GOOSE: Honk!!!

JOSE CUERVO: ¡Sacad este pajaro de aqui, se esta cagando por todos lados!

JOHNNIE WALKER: I think the goose is concerned about the foie gras.

GREY GOOSE: (Flapping its wings wildly.) Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk!

JACK DANIEL: Jesus Christ.

MODERATOR: Plea—

GREY GOOSE: (Flying around the room.) Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk! Honk!

(Moderator faints in the middle of the circle.)

ALL: (Silence.)

JOHNNIE WALKER: It is peculiar how the inebriated soul honks for attention. Look at what we have done to this poor lady; she even ripped her pants. Oh, I have seen many things in my days: the sullen look of a jaded 14-year-old lover, a brick of peat moss buttered in the final notes of a summer sunset, an oak barrel swollen with solemn unsung years ... oh, so many things. I brave to tread the path less traveled, twirl my cane amidst the havoc and chaos of modernity. We, suspended in this age of excess, brine our livers in nectared poison with self-delusional love and irrevocable loneliness, for true love—the kind that shines so bright its white rays burst your retinas—is but a lost notion quivering toward the past.

ALL: (Silence.)

GREY GOOSE: My bad.

[MagicSpork]

This will either be the greatest joke you ever read, or the worst...It will probably be the latter...

This kid is walking to school one day when he sees some purple flowers growing, which he thought looked nice. When he got to class, his teacher gave the kids their first lesson in public speaking. She wanted each child to stand in front of the class and describe what they saw on the way to school that morning. The kid immediately volunteers to go first. He stands in front of his classmates and says, "Today, I saw purple flowers on the way to school!"

The teacher gasped. She yelled, "Purple flowers, purple flowers!! Get to the principal's office, young man!"

So, the kid goes to the principal's office, not sure what he did wrong. The principal asks him why he is here.

"All I said was purple flowers", the kid stated.

"Purple flowers, purple flowers!! Get out of my school! Your suspended!", the principal bellowed.

By now, the kid is really confused, so he walks home. "Why are you home so early, sweetie?", his mom asked. The kid said, "All I said was purple flowers, mom!"

"Purple flowers, purple flowers!! Get upstairs and wait for your father to come home, young man!", his mother screams.

Now on the verge of tears, the kid does as he is told, and goes up to his room. That evening, his father comes up.

"OK son, what did you do THIS time?", his father asks. Reluctantly, he kid whimpers, "All I said was purple flowers"

"PURPLE FLOWERS, PURPLE FLOWERS!!", his dad screams at the top of his lungs, "That's it, get the hell out of my house, and never come back!"

So, the kid packs up his bags, all the while crying and wondering how his life could have gone off track so soon. He says goodbye to his parents. Five minutes after he walks out the door, he gets hit by a truck, dying on impact.

The moral of the story is...



Always look both ways before crossing the street...

[100% ILL]

A man was walking his Pit Bull down the sidewalk, when he saw a young boy approaching with a short black dog on a leash.
The man yelled out to the boy; "you better pick up your dog up as we pass by son, I'm afraid my dog will attack him."
The boy shouted back "Oh it's okay mister, my dog will be alright"

The man warns "alright don't say I didn't warn you."

As the two meet the little black dog reaches over and bites the Pit Bull cleanly in half! The astonished man says to the boy;

"My goodnes son, that little dog just killed my Pit Bull! What kind of dog is that!?

The boy answers; "well I don't know what you'd call him now, but before I cut his tail off and painted him black he was an aligator"

[KingOfPop]

ME!!

[Matt]

Women's Rights (y)