How do you rediscover or build self-esteem?

[hpdrifter]

I have noticed recently that my self-esteem is really low. I've never been a super confident person but I used to be able to get through the day. Now I worry about every little thing that I do and say. Was that lame? Inappropriate? Does so and so think less of me because I said or did or wore that. I spend most of my day worrying that my friends think I'm a bitch or a loser and wondering if anyone likes me at all.

My old tricks aren't working because I don't do any of them particularly well, playing my guitar, singing, reading books in Russian. I haven't had a breakthrough in forever. I've plateaued and I get no fulfillment out of any of it anymore, its just going through the motions.

What are your strategies? What do you do when you feel like you have nothing to offer? My stomach hurts often, my hands shake, I feel tired but I can't sleep.

What is wrong with me, you guys?

[monkey]

sounds like you're kinda depressed. i really don't know a solution for it, i just know what's worked for me: forcing myself to see positive situations even when i want to be 100% negative, and forcing myself out more, into uncomfortable situations even. why? because this is it. i have nothing else, so why not.
for a while, that behavior was really difficult to go through, it really took a lot of pushing myself. but it has become a little easier, and i find myself feeling more comfortable with myself. not all the time, but often enough. i assume it's a slow process.

[Dharma]

Did you think maybe it has something to do with your engagement? are you experiencing any doubt?

I was just thinking all of these other things may be surfacing because of a major transition in your life is on its way.

If that too personal, you don't have to answer of course.

[Documad]

A big thing for me was changing the people I choose to surround myself with. It didn't happen overnight, but over time I cut off people who made me feel bad and spent more time that made me feel good. It's not just about self esteem but a general attitude towards life. If there are people at work who bitch all the time and dwell on the negative, then I avoid them because if I hang out with them I bitch all the time and start feeling bad too.

[yeahwho]

Look for the good and praise it

[spacemac9000]

hey

- I think you should consider finding a good therapist ....(a social worker can help you work through this, learn new behavior, and provide a safe place to discuss this on a regular basis) I dont recommend a psychiatrist at first because they will start you on meds most likely immediately ....

- I should add that im actually an LMSW myself ...

also maybe you already see someone ... ???

good luck .

;)

[Nygel]

turn on some bootsy collins and dance around

makes everyone feel better

[spacemac9000]

p.s. in the meantime as simple as it sounds here are 3 things that may help :

1) every time you begin to worry/obsess remind yourself that you don't want to do this all the time because it has a negative outcome on your mood (you can even keep a rubber band around your wrist and give it a light snap each time you begin to have excessive anxiety or repetitive thoughts ...

2) curb your negative self defeating thoughts (this is your critical inner dialogue) - for example you stated that you can sing, play guitar, and speak and/or read russian ???? - I can't do any of those or even couldn't even attempt to... but you somehow found a way to turn these positive attributes you have into a negative in your post by saying you are "no good at them" ...

3) Remember you are not alone! - Millions of other people feel just like you ... try to exercise since it can help reduce anxiety and helps positive brain chemistry.

good luck
:)

[spacemac9000]

turn on some bootsy collins and dance around

makes everyone feel better


haha
(y)

[Lex Diamonds]

Have you tried drugs?

Failing that, the best thing you can do is be relaxed. If you're casual in yourself then others will feel it.

[ToucanSpam]

Padster is right, but might I suggest something as simple as taking up a hobby that has instant gratification? Something like pottery, painting, or writing, or even something like sudoku can be a good way to get yourself feeling good about the things you can do. Those are just small things.


You could even take up a bigger hobby like playing racketball or something! I find it really fun and if you play with some non-competitive friends it can be a good way to have fun with people you like, great physical activity and maybe even let off some steam. Who knows, maybe if you play it enough you might try a local club tournament or some fun competition.

[Echewta]

spacemac9000 is speaking the truth. Expressing your feelings to a board isn't going to help as much as speaking to therapist. The key word is "good." If you don't like the first, move on to another until you feel like they get it and when they speak to you, you actually HEAR what they are saying.

[russhie]

I'm the same. I can do things, and some things I can do really well - but mostly I can't see that.

My poor self esteem makes it hard for me to capitalise on the opportunities presented to me - especially with career and relationship stuff.

I don't have any advice really...I battle with the same thoughts all the time too though. It can be pretty crippling.

[funk63]

drugs

[MC Moot]

Firstly I would recommend you see your physician,maybe get some blood work done to make sure there are no physical complications,etc,etc...I know you've volunteered at animal shelters before but I find volunteering,even if only occasionally,makes me feel very positive about myself,this weekend I spent Staurday crashing through parks handing out single smokes,granola bars,socks,gloves and toques to the "campers" as it was part of an annual drive to establish a realistic count on the number of people sleeping rough in the core...anyways...I felt really positive afterwards,over my cold pint at a warm pub...the other thing that has worked for me in the past was to get my ass back into class...like any kind of class,be it related to your occupation or otherwise,school helps me...well just 2 nights a week,but still it get's you out there and so often you encounter folks who'll ring that bell in your head that sings "I'm allright,I'm O.K,these people are clearly mad but I'm just fine,thankyou"...;)

[mikizee]

Firstly I would recommend you see your physician,maybe get some blood work done to make sure there are no physical complications,etc,etc...I know you've volunteered at animal shelters before but I find volunteering,even if only occasionally,makes me feel very positive about myself,this weekend I spent Staurday crashing through parks handing out single smokes,granola bars,socks,gloves and toques to the "campers" as it was part of an annual drive to establish a realistic count on the number of people sleeping rough in the core...anyways...I felt really positive afterwards,over my cold pint at a warm pub...the other thing that has worked for me in the past was to get my ass back into class...like any kind of class,be it related to your occupation or otherwise,school helps me...well just 2 nights a week,but still it get's you out there and so often you encounter folks who'll ring that bell in your head that sings "I'm allright,I'm O.K,these people are clearly mad but I'm just fine,thankyou"...;)

sound as a pound

[AceFace]

i get really obsessive about things. sometimes it overtakes me and i have to see a therapist. i just recently spent some time with one and she taught me something that REALLY works for me. i have to set times of the day when i can think about the thing i obsess over.

basically i can think about it at 8am and 8pm every day. if i start thinking about it and realize that i am, i look at a clock, and see it's not 8:00 and it snaps me out of it. most days, i got right past the 8:00 times and dont' think about it at all that day... maybe you could try something like that.

a therapist can be a really good thing for some people. no rx's, nothing like that... just someone to talk to and to help you sift through the muck in your head.

[skra75]

I've been where you are at. I got through it by opening up to people I was close to, and adopting a "eff-the-world" attitude about being innappropriate in social situations.

During that time, I found I ended up experimenting with art quite a bit, trying new things and getting more open about sharing it with people. This is by no means a remedy for that heavy feeling you are getting but it does help you to do something, and doing something is important.

I also find that when I'm in a funk like that, writing a journal or blog helps alot. Myspace helped alot too as I would keep updating my site and changing the colors on it and shit.

I've heard gardening helps from alot of older folks. There's some wisdom there - maybe don't pick up gardening per-say - but find an nuturing, somewhat antisocial activity that is otherwise mundane that you do every single day. For me I would water my plants and paint, then stay up late internetting. I'd get into my housework alot more and do logical stuff like home maintenence on the weekend. I got closer to alot of people I've known for a long time and found that they had alot of the same insecurities as I did. Somehow knowing someone on the other side of country was feeling the same way I was feeling made things tolerable and made the eff-the-world attitude I had more easy to adopt (lb).

Be careful with the drinking, try to limit binge drinking to once a week. do goofy stuff and be spontaneous during the daytime. Take time to enjoy stuff like apple picking, hiking, swimming...stuff that's free and stuff that you would miss if you were handicapped or something. It makes you appreciate being able to get up and go every day.

Be careful with spending money. In fact, go the opposite route and become as frugal as a depression-era survivor. I found that the habit of watching my money helped me to cope with the insecurities I felt.

Being spontaneous in general helps. Talk to weird people you'd otherwise never talk to. You'd be surprised who's actually really interesting.

[Randetica]

how can a therapist give you more self esteem?

[100% ILL]

I have noticed recently that my self-esteem is really low. Now I worry about every little thing that I do and say. Was that lame? Inappropriate? Does so and so think less of me because I said or did or wore that. I spend most of my day worrying that my friends think I'm a bitch or a loser and wondering if anyone likes me at all.
I've plateaued and I get no fulfillment out of any of it anymore


You are self centered.

"I don't feel......I wish......me.....me.....me...I.


How you "feel" is of relative unimportance

[Echewta]

How does a doctor fix a broken arm? There have been decades and decades of study on the human mind. By working with a therpist to find and reconize the core issue of your self-esteem and then working on techniques to repair and build it, you can most likely overcome the issues you have or at least get on a path to do so.

Apparently drugs are bad on the board. Ha. Being prescribed medication to fix a chemical imbalance isn't all that bad you know.

[AceFace]

^ yeah i know. had to go on them for a time and i'm so glad they helped. it just seems like it's a turn off to some people, for some reason.

[Randetica]

How does a doctor fix a broken arm? There have been decades and decades of study on the human mind. By working with a therpist to find and reconize the core issue of your self-esteem and then working on techniques to repair and build it, you can most likely overcome the issues you have or at least get on a path to do so.

Apparently drugs are bad on the board. Ha. Being prescribed medication to fix a chemical imbalance isn't all that bad you know.


he uses a plaster cast.

oh and i thought the therapist would give me some compliments about my looks and then fuck the hell out of me :(


i still cant do much alone because of my phobia so people keep telling me a therapist would help me to get more self esteem and i wondered/wondering how that should work

also got told by a therapist that i cant overcome my phobia without a therapy, meds and anti depressants

and tomorrow im having a visit at a psychiatrist to get checked again, not looking forward to it

[AceFace]

^awe. i hope they help. good luck.

[Randetica]

^awe. i hope they help. good luck.

thank you but we cant afford a therapy yet, i just have to make some tests to proof that i really have a sozial phobia (again)

i got told before that im 30% disabled but if they find out that it's over 50% then we might get money so we can spend it on a therapy and meds

so hopefully im more disabled than i wish :D

[beastieangel01]

How does a doctor fix a broken arm? There have been decades and decades of study on the human mind. By working with a therpist to find and reconize the core issue of your self-esteem and then working on techniques to repair and build it, you can most likely overcome the issues you have or at least get on a path to do so.

Apparently drugs are bad on the board. Ha. Being prescribed medication to fix a chemical imbalance isn't all that bad you know.

I agree with this. If you are adverse to trying drugs, try therapy sans prescription for a bit to see how you do.

hope things get better, I know how you feel. I'm doing better lately, but I need to work on my self-esteem still sometimes and assertiveness. You can do it :)

[hpdrifter]

Thanks for all of the useful insights, guys, there are some good suggestions here.

Volunteering
Journaling
Classes

All of these are things I used to do and for some reason stopped doing.

I've tried going to counselors before but it was hard to find a good one. I agree about positive thinking and stopping persistent negative thoughts. I started exercising semi-regularly again last month. I'll try to get out for a run at lunch today.

[spacemac9000]

how can a therapist give you more self esteem?

therapists don't " give self esteem " but they can help people figure out/ learn how to increase their own self esteem ...

[spacemac9000]

spacemac9000 is speaking the truth. Expressing your feelings to a board isn't going to help as much as speaking to therapist. The key word is "good." If you don't like the first, move on to another until you feel like they get it and when they speak to you, you actually HEAR what they are saying.

thanks ... in glad my Masters degree, LMSW, and 5+ years working as a clinician in the NYC Hospital System/Psychiatry Dept. [ conducting individual and group psychotherapy with HIV/AIDS pts] has been worth something.

p.s. the blonde lady in Mad Men is smoking HOT

[Randetica]

therapists don't " give self esteem " but they can help people figure out/ learn how to increase their own self esteem ...

but i expect more for the money i have to pay, bastards

[Dharma]

thank you but we cant afford a therapy yet, i just have to make some tests to proof that i really have a sozial phobia (again)

i got told before that im 30% disabled but if they find out that it's over 50% then we might get money so we can spend it on a therapy and meds

so hopefully im more disabled than i wish :D

What is a social phobia?

[Randetica]

What is a social phobia?

having that much of a low self esteem/self doubt that you dont leave your home anymore

actually not all with that phobia hide at home, those at a milder level dont but they still got big fears to talk with other people etc.

like remember when i made a thread about a bus driver that was rude to me? i had a total nervous breakdown and couldnt breath anymore


many become alcoholics and im scared that could happen to me too and i know someone who killed herself for having that phobia

well wikipedia is better at explaining that shit

[Knuckles]

having that much of a low self esteem/self doubt that you dont leave your home anymore

actually not all with that phobia hide at home, those at a milder level dont but they still got big fears to talk with other people etc.

like remember when i made a thread about a bus driver that was rude to me? i had a total nervous breakdown and couldnt breath anymore


many become alcoholics and im scared that could happen to me too and i know someone who killed herself for having that phobia

well wikipedia is better at explaining that shit

Not to sound like Padster or anything but you just need some cock.




Jeesus did I just say that?:eek:

[Randetica]

Not to sound like Padster or anything but you just need some cock.




Jeesus did I just say that?:eek:

but i might become a peniiholelick :(

[spacemac9000]

but i expect more for the money i have to pay, bastards

i think you can go to male gigolo for what you are talking about ...
:)

[Dharma]

having that much of a low self esteem/self doubt that you dont leave your home anymore

actually not all with that phobia hide at home, those at a milder level dont but they still got big fears to talk with other people etc.

like remember when i made a thread about a bus driver that was rude to me? i had a total nervous breakdown and couldnt breath anymore


many become alcoholics and im scared that could happen to me too and i know someone who killed herself for having that phobia

well wikipedia is better at explaining that shit

I am kind of surprised because you seem to have a fun punky personality on here, I would think in the real world you would have great interactions with real people.

I guess you learn something new everyday.

[Kid Presentable]

Not to be the oversimplifying jerk, but thoughts like "My self-esteem is low", "How do I build self-esteem" and so on are just enabling you to feel like garbage. You gotta think through that shit. I'm sure you'll find you have no good reason to feel this way, and rather than feel bad about that you should try to be positive about everything that comes your way (as Pauli very astutely said). Honestly, it sounds like it's all in your head, and day by day you're just allowing yourself to sink lower and lower into the quicksand. Seriously, you have to think through it.

Using connection to other people as a measuring stick is self-defeating; it reads like a) you can't measure how connected you should be and you feel bad about that; and b) you'll never be as connected as you want to be so you'll never be satisfied. That type of thinking is no good. None of us are connected to people, really. We have people in our lives, but they're not accountable for our feelings. Ultimately it's all on you to turn this around, and phasing out the self-affirming, self-defeating self diagnoses is your best start. Good luck, I reckon you can turn this around on your own (y).

[ET]

...or if that doesn't work then watch this. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30BFrLl07r4)

Bold and empowering. Guaranteed. (just sit through the first minute. it's worth it.)

[insertnamehere]

Randy I don't know a ton about your situation but I know that I have had some similar problems with having a social phobia. Something that helped me was having a part time job. The way I work, I only get comfortable around people after being forced to interact with them for a significant amount of time, which, eventually you will get comfortable with talking to your coworkers. Also dealing with customers is good. Not the kind of job where you have to actually chit chat with them but like, being a cashier where you just tell them how much stuff costs. I sort of get into a mindset where when I'm talking to customers I'm not really just being me but I'm sort of acting, and I have a script that I go through with them. Sometimes if they deviate from the script, like if they make a joke or something, it sort of screws me up, but just having to talk to that many people on a regular basis helped a lot. A lot of times even now if someone tries to chat or make a joke with me I'm like "...ok... that's $9.14," but I think I pretty much come off naturally now. Before I started working when I was 18 I would not order my own food at restraunts because I didn't want to talk to the waitresses. I don't know if some of it was just me growing out of it but I feel like having a job really helped. It gets you out of the house and gives you practice dealing with people but in a safe kind of way.

[Fern]

the other thing that has worked for me in the past was to get my ass back into class...like any kind of class,be it related to your occupation or otherwise,school helps me...


He is right about that. That is what I am doing coping with my father's death. I feel that it is tgaking my mind off it just enough while complementing accomplishment of completing a curriculm.

[Kid Presentable]

He is right about that. That is what I am doing coping with my father's death. I feel that it is tgaking my mind off it just enough while complementing accomplishment of completing a curriculm.

Yeah, truthfully I was aimless and fucked until I started studying again. In all seriousness I've never been more confident and capable than now. And pretty pleased with myself; the degree is nearly finished. Just completing something is a big step for me haha

[fucktopgirl]

Our mind can be really awesome or really scary. Depend on how you see things. Just stop being a victim and move forward, we have no fucking time to waste. I think human like to indulge in their misery sometime. I am aware that some people really need some help but we are basically all the same, human have fear of rejection, fear of failure, paranoia, low self esteem. But human also have willpower, dreams, confidence, positive mind set.

So it is a matter of choic; how do we want to live our life? Do we want to depend on some medication( some people need them, i know) still, do we want to depend on expert all our life or do we want to take our life back. As some people said, doing something that you like and make you feel good is a must. And communication,yep, we don't talk enough with friends or family. talking to a therapist is good because YOU TALK. Just to let out the pressure can go a long way sometime.


Dammit, time is passing fast, we have to kick ourselves in the butt... and smile:)

[cookiepuss]

I spend most of my day worrying that my friends think I'm a bitch or a loser and wondering if anyone likes me at all.


I like you. So there you go. one less this to worry about.;)

[skra75]

...or if that doesn't work then watch this. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=30BFrLl07r4)

Bold and empowering. Guaranteed. (just sit through the first minute. it's worth it.)


HAHAHAHAHAH whenever I hear that song I think of Dirk Diggler's rendition now. He spoiled it for me. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3C9Bng7NPPY)

The like the part where Optimus says he'll be back soon to transform my day into an adventure.

[Randetica]

Randy I don't know a ton about your situation but I know that I have had some similar problems with having a social phobia. Something that helped me was having a part time job. The way I work, I only get comfortable around people after being forced to interact with them for a significant amount of time, which, eventually you will get comfortable with talking to your coworkers. Also dealing with customers is good. Not the kind of job where you have to actually chit chat with them but like, being a cashier where you just tell them how much stuff costs. I sort of get into a mindset where when I'm talking to customers I'm not really just being me but I'm sort of acting, and I have a script that I go through with them. Sometimes if they deviate from the script, like if they make a joke or something, it sort of screws me up, but just having to talk to that many people on a regular basis helped a lot. A lot of times even now if someone tries to chat or make a joke with me I'm like "...ok... that's $9.14," but I think I pretty much come off naturally now. Before I started working when I was 18 I would not order my own food at restraunts because I didn't want to talk to the waitresses. I don't know if some of it was just me growing out of it but I feel like having a job really helped. It gets you out of the house and gives you practice dealing with people but in a safe kind of way.

i wish i had a job but being around people got me where i am now or it could make it even worse, i need a therapy first to get to that stage but atleast im getting anti depressants now (y)

and skye im just an e-poser, online im all that that i cant be in real life

also im not pushing drifter's ego by taking over her thread, i just wanted to know how therapists can help you, you fags

[Dharma]

i wish i had a job but being around people got me where i am now or it could make it even worse, i need a therapy first to get to that stage but atleast im getting anti depressants now (y)

and skye im just an e-poser, online im all that that i cant be in real life

also im not pushing drifter's ego by taking over her thread, i just wanted to know how therapists can help you, you fags

If I lived in Vienna, I would go to your house and pull you by your hair out your front door.

[ET]

Yeah but it's pretty cold there. Not fun in the rain. No wonder she has a phobia. Try visiting the Schmetterlinghaus (http://www.schmetterlinghaus.at/english1.htm) (Butterfly House). It is nice and warm.

[Randetica]

Yeah but it's pretty cold there. Not fun in the rain. No wonder she has a phobia. Try visiting the Schmetterlinghaus (http://www.schmetterlinghaus.at/english1.htm) (Butterfly House). It is nice and warm.

haha, ive been in there

not to sound like a total pussy but i thought it was scary cause hectic moving insects freak me the fuck out, almost as horrible as the bat room

ill stick to the palmhouse