what are the advantages to having a father?

[Dorothy Wood]

I made a thread a couple months back about possibly reconnecting with my estranged father. he recently called my mom to ask about getting in touch with me and she didn't feel like calling him back, so she just texted him my address so he can send me some of my old stuff from when I was a kid. and some drawings my mom did that he's held onto.

also, he told her I can live with him if I want. wtf. I'm almost 30. the damage is done, what does he think that's going to accomplish?

my mom thinks it's a good idea to make amends with him, but I don't really see what the big deal is. like I need another parent breathing down my neck. I barely call my friends, now I gotta worry about having a dad who wants to be all up in my business?

I really can't think of anything good that will come of me reconnecting with him, other than the possibility of him sending me money. I never had hopes and dreams of having a perfect family or father. my friends' dads always seemed like assholes, and frankly I felt lucky to be without one most of the time.

maybe I'm not understanding the benefits though, anybody care to enlighten me?

[RobMoney$]

I recently went through the same exact thing.
I was raised by my grandparents because my parents had way too many issues, which I wont get into, to raise me on their own.



Anyway, after years of looking for him I found his phone number and started a relationship with him.
After a few conversations over the phone I realized for myself what a lying, manipulative, and quite frankly dangerous person he was. Everyone tried to tell me, but I guess I wanted to give the guy the benefit of giving him a chance. He would tell me things about himself and the next time I talked to him it was a completely different story. That, and after about the third conversation he started asking me for money.
I just got the feeling that this wasn't someone I wanted to be around, or god forbid to have around my kids.

Best case scenerio, I guess I was hoping for someone to have a reunion with and to talk to on the phone every once in a while.
Totally not worth the risks that were associated with letting him into my life so I told him I wasn't interested in talking to him anymore and to never call me or my sisters again.

[Kid Presentable]

That, and after about the third conversation he started asking me for money.


The family name?

[RobMoney$]

I didn't get this name by giving it away to leeches.

[HotAndWet]

Hit him up for money and that's it, from the sounds of it he wasn't too good a dad so he doesn't deserve your love or attention.

[Waus]

wtf. I'm almost 30. the damage is done, what does he think that's going to accomplish?


Yeah, I think the developmental support thing is long gone.

Still, if he has any kind of conscience he probably feels pretty awful about being such a bad dad, and if you feel like forgiving him a little and easing that you could. Also he could still help out with some things. I was going to say he could help fix your car or something but you ride a bike. Shit. Maybe there is no point to it.

He'd have to have a lot of nerve to try to tell you what to do in any area of life though.

[Dorothy Wood]

yeah, I think he's just kind of going over his life and coming to terms with the mistakes he made. he's also divorcing his 3rd wife and probably pretty lonely. I'm not going to be made to feel obligated to fill any of his emotional voids though. I'm quite sure if I talk to him he'll get all weepy and I'm gonna want to barf.

I think I'll stick to letters or emails for now.

I'm crossing my fingers that I'm gonna get a christmas card with some chedda in it. (y)

[RobMoney$]

Hit him up for money and that's it, from the sounds of it he wasn't too good a dad so he doesn't deserve your love or attention.

You know what though, it ain't even worth it.

He'd probably give it to me as a way to buy his way into my life. The first time I talked to him (well the first time since I was 9) he was asking me about my living arrangements. When I told him I had a house, he was like "Hey, maybe I'll come down there and live with you guys then".

EXCUSE ME? I don't even fucking know you holmes. I'm not your meal ticket.

I'm pretty sharp when it comes to reading people and knowing when I'm being scamed. It was all about what he could get from me. Everyone told me that's how he was.
No thanks, move along, smirnoff.
At 36 years of age and two teenaged kids of my own there's not a whole lot I need him for.

But anyway, yeah Dorothy.
I'd be really cautious here. You're an adult now and luckily you turned out OK, despite his abandonment. (or your fleeing him)
Ask yourself this, who's benefitting from the relationship more, you or him?
If it's him, then all he's doing is taking from you. and fuck that shit.

[russhie]

My housemate and I were talking about something similar tonight. We were talking about boys and relationships and she was like, "the way my dad treats my mum gives me hope that I'll be able to find someone like that too"

So I guess we appreciate our dads for showing us that boys do eventually sometimes grow into men who are capable of meaningful, caring and monagamous (sp? I'm lazy) relationships.

I love my dad for so many reasons - his endless curiosity, sense of humour, gentle nature - he's so wonderfully uncomplicated and relaxed and I'm so glad I inherited so many bits of his personality and that I'm able to see that whenever I see him. He's the only person in my family that I even slightly resemble in terms of facial features, and giving him presents is great cause he always loves everything you get him. Also, when I was like, four or something he bought me a pink teeshirt that said Daddy's Little Girl on it in purple writing and I wore it everywhere and people would go "aww".

I don't know if they're advantages to having a dad but they make it real nice having one around and I don't know if I'd be the person I am today if he'd bailed on me as a kid. Your dad seems to have missed the boat, but really, it's his loss...you shouldn't have to worry about catering for his own mistakes.

[Lyman Zerga]

im better off without one (y)

[beastieangel01]

Ask yourself this, who's benefiting from the relationship more, you or him?
If it's him, then all he's doing is taking from you. and fuck that shit.

(y)

[HEIRESS]

I am extremely lucky because I have one of those amazingly awesome fathers that everyone else wishes was their dad.

my friends ADORE hanging out with my dad (and my mom). He is the most caring person in the world and he would do ANYTHING for me.

dads are also really handy when it comes to fixing things. even if you can do things on your own or have a significant other thats good with their hands, daddies are a god-send when it comes to such things.

at the end of the day, It is just the best feeling to have a person in your life who would do anything in the fullest altruistic sense for you. it warms your goddamn soul I tell yah.

[NoFenders]

I say you have to figure out why you want to talk to him first. Never mind that he's trying to contact you. Figure out what reasons you have. Getting to know who he is/can be a good start.

On another note, I know a lot of people that never talked to thier mom or dad for all kinds of reasons, and when they passed, it was brutal on them. Never really knowing who they were or why they cared to try and talk. Be there for him. As hard as that may sound for you to do, it's being a much better person then he was to you, and that's pure gold in personality if you can be that strong for him.

A great thing about parents is that you can learn from their mistakes. The more you know about your father, the more you'll know about life. You don't have to love him, you don't even have to like him. But at least you made the effort to try and know him.

Life is short. But regrets seem to last forever.

Worst case scenario you get a free lunch. ;-)

:)

[jabumbo]

i bet he can throw a football over that mountain over there

[Guy Incognito]

i know everybody's situation is different but i thought sharing my experience might help.

My parents split up when i was 1. My mum and stepdad raised me and i was happy with that and the decision was always left up to me if i wanted to contact my dad.

2 years ago my stepdad died, something i am still coming to terms with. This happened 3 weeks after my daughter was born. My real father heard about my news and wanted to get back in touch and see me and my family. I made the decision to meet him which in retrospect i wish i didnt. I did it so that my daughter could have a grandparent but i regret that decision.

My real father isnt a horrible man but i have nothing in common with the man, i also will never bond with him like i bonded with my step dad. He also is very full on when it comes to my children and takes the grandad thing too seriously. I cant even let my kids call him grandad, it feels like he has stolen that position from someone i loved very much. I wish i hadnt siad yes now. I dont think my natural father is a very good role model for my kids and the whole situation makes me sad about my step dad.

But i cant go back on it, he is delighted that he is part of my life and i wouldnt want to break his heart and it will only make situation worse.
I guess what i am trying to say to Dorothy is , make sure you think about your reasons for contacting your dad and make sure you are sure they are good reasons and that you wont regret further down the line..

[funk63]

Your not missin much.