Christmas Hangover

[rirv]

I reached a low point of my life last night when I ordered a pizza at 4am and promptly threw up on it before realising I couldn't walk.

Sorry to sound like Padster, but that's the way it is.

I'm ill and my 91 year old grandpa is coming to stay in a few hours and all he does is be grumpy and feed the cat too much food.

[Planetary]

last year at 3am on christmas day i was on my hands and knees sweeping up cigarette butts off the floor surrounded by lary piss heads. same goes for 3am on new years day. good way to start the year.

[na§tee]

work christmas do last night. i stayed out until 5am in some weird pub in the PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF STOKES CROFT that played really loud reggae. if you can imagine an old man's reggae pub, that was it. interesting. hmm. i have realised i am always the last person left when it comes to parties. at least i have the excuse i'm new to the city and i need to be shown around more weird pubs that smell of farts and weed.

i am ordering my brother to bring me rounds of marmite on toast via text message right now.

i cannot wait to stop relentlessly poisoning my body in the new year. i need a detox. some good food, water, a massage, a decent sleep. sigh.

[rirv]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTfklVq_kPk

[ericlee]

well, did you eat the pizza? Or did your grandma feed it to the cat? Or did she eat it?

[Videodrome]

the suspense is killing me.

[paul jones]

I'm betting on rirv's grandpa will accidently eat the cat then go to Bristol and fart in a reggae style making Claire spill an ashtray full of cigarette butts(the pub is ignoring the law on non smoking in pubs) then Planetary will be on his knees at 3am getting lary comments from piss heads waiting for their pizza taxi

[BangkokB]

Go to the hospital: I went this morning and got some Killer Painkillers I can't find in stores.

the trick is you gotta cough up blood. Do that and you're Golden

[russhie]

I don't think I'll ever be able to repeat my christmas eve effort...nor do I want to. I left home about six on christmas eve, two bars, two clubs, a bootycall and a backpacker's balcony later...I finally get home just before 11 on christmas day.

I was not in a good state.

[b i o n i c]

when i think of a chri$tma$ hangover, its what i have now... im afraid to look at my bank balance(n)

[Lex Diamonds]

What kind of lamewad stops drinking for long enough to get a hangover between Christmas and New Year? You fail.

[Dorothy Wood]

I secretly got drunk last night whilst watching iron man with my mom and her husband. oh yes, they saw the couple of beers I drank, but did not notice me taking swigs of the rum that was meant for egg nog. oh ho ho. very naughty! and quite sad I suppose. :(

now I'm sober, but I feel drunk because I just played video games with my 16 year old cousin for 4 hours straight. then drove an SUV in the dark on a brand new highway for a half hour, which seemed like a video game.

my eyeballs hurt.

[BangkokB]

What kind of lamewad stops drinking for long enough to get a hangover between Christmas and New Year? You fail.
You Win! Here's your prize
The Holiday Season Gift Tips

Whenever you open a non-liquor gift, loudly proclaim, “Oh, great, how the fuck am I supposed to drink this?”
They’ll know what to get you next year.

If you’re forced to go to your employee Christmas party, always try to blackout.
Because no one wants to spend their Christmas vacation knowing for sure they got fired.

If you buy a bottle of liquor as a gift and accidentally drink half of it, just tell the giftee it’s a bottle and a personality test.
If he says it’s half full, he’s an optimist. If he says it’s half empty, he’s a dick.

If you receive three cocktail shakers every Christmas, you are a drunkard.
If you receive ten, get ready for an intervention.

Pine needles steeped in a bottle of vodka makes for an excellent gift.
Because, trust me, you sure as hell won’t want to drink it.

Don’t worry if you hate wrapping presents, because your favorite store provides free gift wrapping.
Just give the brown bag a little twist around the neck of the bottle and hey! All done!

Ironically enough, if you give your favorite bartender a bartending guide as a present he will not give you a free drink for at least a month.
Nor will your significant other appreciate a copy of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Sex.”

If money is tight, improvise your gifts.
Believe it or not, a note stuffed inside an empty bottle of liquor makes for an excellent present. Because when they smash the bottle so they can read the note and it says, “This is the historic bottle the Rat Pack shared on the eve of their first appearance on stage at The Sands in Las Vegas--I bought in on eBay for $112,000” they’ll get to think, “Wow, for a second there I was pretty rich.”

TurkeyFamily Gatherings
Don’t freak out if it’s your turn bring the Christmas Turkey to a family gathering.
Just make sure you buy the one-liter family-sized bottle so there’s enough to go around.

After eight of your “these-are-for-daddies-only” eggnogs, try to refrain from telling your children you are going to shoot Santa off the roof of your house when he lands.
While their shrieks of terror may seem funny at the time, it will directly affect the quality of nursing home you will be eventually shipped off to.

If your niece or nephew asks why your eggnog smells funny, tell them you added some “special warming juice.”
If they ask you if you’re cold, tell them, “No, but I might be while waiting in the bushes for Santa and Rudolph to show up so I can shoot them off the roof.”

Your father’s good Scotch is hidden either in the cupboard above the refrigerator or in the hall closet behind the junk box.
If he’s really crafty, it’ll be at the bottom of the clothes hamper in the laundry room.

If your more religious relatives try to pin you down about your drinking habits at a family gathering, always tell them, “Hope you don’t mind, but I’m gonna keep prayin’ for ya!”
For some reason it drives them crazy.

Holiday Fun and Games
If you and your buddies must drive around winging snowballs at winos, at least pack the snowballs around little airplane bottles of liquor.
This way they’ll tell people, “Yeah, Santa exists, but he’s a mean motherfucker.”

If you’re drunk enough, heckling Christmas carolers will seem about the coolest thing in the world.
Especially if you can get them to cry.

The Salvation Army is an anti-alcohol organization, so don’t feel guilty about not giving any money to that goddamn wino jangling a bell at you.
Just tell him you play for the other team.

If your spouse asks you to make a New Years Resolution to not drink for the rest of the year, promise her you’ll do it.
You’ll find it a lot easier to keep if you make the resolution at 11:59pm on New Year’s Eve.

Spread the holiday cheer by going to your favorite bar dressed as Santa Claus.
Because nobody under-pours Santa. Nobody.

Christmas Spirits
During the holidays you are allowed to drink all the mint schnapps you want without feeling like a sorority girl.
Peach schnapps is still forbidden.

If you suspect your loved ones are going to spring a holiday intervention on you, make sure you pre-spike at least two cartons of eggnog.
Interventions can be pretty fun if you’re loaded.

You can’t get drunk on rum cake.
But don’t let that stop you from telling your 13-year-old nephew that it’ll get him “wicked hammered,” so long as he eats the entire cake in fifteen minutes.

If you’re going to travel during the holidays, be aware that you can no longer bring alcohol onto the airplane.
Unless you hide it in your bloodstream.

No matter how stressed you get, always try to be full of Christmas cheer.
They sell it down at the liquor store, $14.99 a bottle.

On Deck: Halloween Jokes

[Lyman Zerga]

i think bangkok just owned padster but im not totally sure

[Lex Diamonds]

Owned me? Somebody better tell this bitch suttin. Nobody owns ME ho, I'm The Padster!

[Lyman Zerga]

ok ok ok You Win! Here's your prize
A Stretched Out Fag!