fucked up rant of some sort

[monkey]

im really sad.

you know the exbf/best friend i have talked about in the past. he says and does douche-baggy shit. but overall, he has been a very good friend to me.

except today, we got into a fight (and it was we, im not blaming the fight on him or anything) and then i said im going home. and i was emptying out my backpack of his stuff, and i took his portable hard drive from my back pack and threw it onto his bed. it tapped his laptop. and he became enraged. he pushed me and started yelling at me (and i yelled back) and then he tried to manhandle me and grab my other bag so he throw my laptop out the window. this part is all a blur so i dont remember very well. but i think while he was grabbing my bag and/or me, i kneed him in the balls in defense. and then he got on top of me and wanted to punch me or something. he was threatening to hit me. at this point, his mother had shown up and she started holding him back. i dont know what happened after certain point. all i know is that i left there.

im really upset because i just lost a best friend. i can't go back to being friends with him. i can't do that. my dad and my brother want to beat this guy at this point. i dont want that either.

i dont know what i want. im just really sad. i know that no man is allowed to put his hands on me. i KNOW that. i also know that i can be an instigator. im worried that i made him do it and now im blaming him for it. i dont know.
im sad.

im writing this cause i dont know what to do with all my feelings and all this anger and all this sadness. and this sounds fucked up, but i definately didnt want to lose my best friend. through it all, i never wanted to lose my best friend.

i know it seems like my life is filled with unnecessary and stupid drama. and there is more to the story in regards to why i would still be friends with him, why he means so much to me, etc. he's been a great friend to me. ive been a great friend to him. we've also hurt each other deeply. im just as responsible for hurting him as he is for hurting me. i know this.

im lost right now. im just very sad.


by the way: i didnt write this so you could all say nasty things about him. that's not what i want nor what i need. i am perfectly aware of what is wrong and what is not. this person is just as flawed as i am, and he did not get to hit me. he's not a bad person, just as im not a bad person. we just have made terrible decisions.

[Bob]

that's all really fucked up and obviously i don't know all the details about your life and your relationship so i don't really want to say too much about what i think you should and shouldn't do here, but i do want to say one thing:

i also know that i can be an instigator. im worried that i made him do it and now im blaming him for it.

oh hell no

[Adam]

im really upset because i just lost a best friend...

Not necessarily - even the toughest fall outs can be worked out. Doesn't mean the end.

[b i o n i c]

you know what to do, pauli. you don't like it but you know what needs to happen.

[NoFenders]

It sounds like you know what to do monkey, but don't want to. In that case, you're setting up yourself and him for more of the same. It's not your fault he pushed you around. It's his. He could have just told you to get the fuck out and left it at that. Blaming yourself or making up excuses for that behavior ends very badly. A lot of girls who do the same end up in hospitals or even worse. Stay as far away from that guy as possible. There's many more people in this world you could/should be friends with. I think the good times are over in that relationship. Let the balloon go. Go find a new one. Nothing could be easier once you take the time to make it happen. You shouldn't feel this way about what's happened, and I'd bet he's quite the manipulator. Why else would you put the balme on yourself for something he's done? Don't make excuses, make some changes.

You seem like a great person. Don't be bothered with this meaningless shit. Get over it and get on with it.

The guy should get a wake up call imo.

:mad:

[na§tee]

you know what to do, pauli. you don't like it but you know what needs to happen.
i concur.

it hurts but you know you have to draw a line under this. you don't deserve it. and it's not your 'fault' at all. it is unhealthy. walk away, doll. please.

i know you are sad. but it's more harmful continuing this shit. and shit is what it is. friends aren't abusive. this apparent one is. think of what you would say to a friend if they were going through what you are.

[Echewta]

I find it interesting that you are taking responsibility for this as well, as in perhaps you may have done something to bring it on. This may or may not be true but to check yourself and see what it is that my be bringing this up is healthy. You may find its nothing. You may find you need that in a relationship so that needs fixing. You may find that he has some major issues and its all him. How he reacts afterwards is the test to see if he is a friend worth having. Chances are slim he'll actually get some help but you never know.
Learning from this is the best thing you can do.

[taquitos]

alcohol drugs and rock music will save you

[monkey]

well, the reason that i refuse to put all the blame on him and i keep on taking responsibility is that i really dont want to present a one sided thing.
in the past, ive written about my feelings and whatnot and ive shown him the thread. he's gotten mad because he says i dont tell you all the way that ive been a bitch and that he's been a great person. and it's true. there have been occasions when ive been a demanding bitch and he's been an understanding person. i dont want to seem like the angel who didnt deserve someone to get mad at me. i threw his little portable hard drive onto the bed. yes, it was a bed, i threw it at most 2 feet. and it was ok. nothing was broken. but i knew that i was throwing it because i was pissed off at him for calling me names. he was calling me names because he doesnt like another of my close friends and i defended her. i do that. i defend my friends and their right to be wrong.
anyway, i was mad at him and i threw his little hard drive on the bed. and i knew that was mean of me, but i never expected him to act that way. i don't expect him to not have reacted at all. he shouldve called me a bitch and told me to leave. that i would understand. i was leaving to begin with.

but i did not expect it to go the way it has gone. im calm now, tired of crying. tired of the entire situation. i am sick and tired of this being my life. it's not what i have ever wanted. i need to focus on making my life a little more simple and a little more happy.

[mathcart]

i need to focus on making my life a little more simple and a little more happy.

Best advice you could of gotten and you gave it to yourself. You are a self-healing machine! Its tough times no doubt but don't beat yourself up about it (heed your own advice)
Good luck, I want you to know we're all pulling for you!
*closes cockpit door*