i hate job interviews

[Bob]

i really do

it's like, they look at your resumes, and they say "ok these are the people that are qualified to do the job" and then the interview is just a popularity contest, it's a swimsuit competition, and i'm not popular, i never win these. i have yet to successfully compete for a job by interviewing better than the other applicants, so far all of my jobs and internships have been had because either i was the only applicant, or because one of the partners of the company is banging my mom, and i don't think that either of these are going to get me a permanent lawyer job, not in this economy

i've been reading tips about interviewing, and it's all worthless. it's like "be confident, but not cocky, be prepared for every question they could possibly ask, but don't sound over-rehearsed, employers understand that students need to apply to a broad range of jobs, but they want the applicant to satisfactorily explain why this job and this one alone is the one they want" and it's all bullshit, i don't know how to do any of that, i can't compete with all these beautiful people

i've met plenty of creepy ugly antisocial lawyers, how'd they get past the interview if it's such a personality screening mechanism? this is stupid, someone just give me a job already

[mikizee]

just scream 'you want the truth? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH!!'

to every question they ask.

[Lex Diamonds]

Smoke a fat bifter before the interview. The interviewers will be like "wow homeboy is mad relaxed, yo" and Bob will be all "Word".

[Bob]

Smoke a fat bifter before the interview. The interviewers will be like "wow homeboy is mad relaxed, yo" and Bob will be all "Word".

whenever i'm in a job interview i think of that episode of spaced where daisy gets high before going in and while the interviewer is talking, all she can hear is circus music. so i sit there and try not to think of that scene but of course the more i try not to think about it the more i think about it and i'm sitting there watching the interviewer talk and all i can hear is circus music and it's kind of funny, in a way, but it doesn't usually help me get the job

[Bob]

i just wish i could be honest, i mean really honest

"why do you want to work here"

"well i wanted to work for the firm that was paying $3,000 a week, but you guys are the only ones that even interviewed me sooooo"

"do you have any questions for me?"

"no, gimme gimme gimme"

but no, i have to lie, they make me lie and then they tell me they appreciate candor but fuck, they're the liars

[Gareth]

i've met plenty of creepy ugly antisocial lawyers, how'd they get past the interview if it's such a personality screening mechanism? this is stupid, someone just give me a job already

maybe they had a hook-up

[Gareth]

i know what you mean though
there are some complete idiot lawyers out there who are practising
and you wonder how that happened

[checkyourprez]

i just wish i could be honest, i mean really honest

"why do you want to work here"

"well i wanted to work for the firm that was paying $3,000 a week, but you guys are the only ones that even interviewed me sooooo"

"do you have any questions for me?"

"no, gimme gimme gimme"

but no, i have to lie, they make me lie and then they tell me they appreciate candor but fuck, they're the liars

than just tell the truth bro. i know you've seen that episode of seinfeld where george does the opposite. and look what happend, shit turned out for him. now dont dismiss this, there is a lot of seinfeld that can be applied to real life, thats part of what makes the show so great. you literally have nothing to loose. nothing. NOTHING.

[Bob]

i know what you mean though
there are some complete idiot lawyers out there who are practising
and you wonder how that happened

i had an internship with a judge, and i was working on a case, and i read this one lawyer's brief, and it was awful, i could take a dump on a piece of paper and it would be more persuasive than that

it was an insurance dispute, the insurance company was trying to collect, and the defendant was saying that there was never a policy or something, and that at no point for the multi-year period that the insurance company was trying to collect the money did the insurance company ever give the defendant any notice that they actually owed any money, they just showed up one day and said "fuck you, pay me". the lack of evidence of actually owing money was the central point of the case

so in the insurance company's brief, the lawyer goes over all the calculations, trying to show how the insurance company came up with the amount that it's saying the defendant owed, but at no point, ever, did it actually cite to one piece of evidence to back up its claims

and then in the legal section, the lawyer basically relied on one single case for all of his argument, and i looked up the case, and not only was it bad law, but it had actually been reversed on appeal. it was a state appeals court case that had been reversed by the state supreme court. i mean, if there's like one thing that you're supposed to do when you do legal research, surely, you should check to make sure that the case you're citing didn't get reversed by a higher court, but no, he managed to miss that, and submitted his argument to the court as it was

and that guy's gainfully employed and i'm not, what the hell is that about

[Bob]

than just tell the truth bro. i know you've seen that episode of seinfeld where george does the opposite. and look what happend, shit turned out for him. now dont dismiss this, there is a lot of seinfeld that can be applied to real life, thats part of what makes the show so great. you literally have nothing to loose. nothing. NOTHING.

yeah that's true. well it probably isn't actually but i think i might try it anyway. i've got an interview for an intership tomorrow and to be honest i kind of don't even want the job, i just applied because fucking nobody else is interviewing me so maybe i'll just tell the 100% honest truth and see what happens.

the interview's already off to a bad start. i called to schedule it today, and the person i'm interviewing with said "so when is good for you?"

and i said "is tomorrow ok?"

and she said "sure, that works, what time would you prefer, just throw something out there"

and i said "i have class at 1:45 but any other time is fine, so uhhhhh i dunno, how about noon?"

and she said, i'm not exaggerating here, she says "no. no, that doesn't work at all" in this really very severe voice and i mean come on, how was i supposed to know that

so i dunno, maybe i'll just tell the truth and see what happens. i'm pretty much the only applicant anyway

[Bob]

i really hope that nobody important knows i post here, because i'd be in some serious embarrassing shit if they did

[checkyourprez]

yeah that's true. well it probably isn't actually but i think i might try it anyway. i've got an interview for an intership tomorrow and to be honest i kind of don't even want the job, i just applied because fucking nobody else is interviewing me so maybe i'll just tell the 100% honest truth and see what happens.

the interview's already off to a bad start. i called to schedule it today, and the person i'm interviewing with said "so when is good for you?"

and i said "is tomorrow ok?"

and she said "sure, that works, what time would you prefer, just throw something out there"

and i said "i have class at 1:45 but any other time is fine, so uhhhhh i dunno, how about noon?"

and she said, i'm not exaggerating here, she says "no. no, that doesn't work at all" in this really very severe voice and i mean come on, how was i supposed to know that

so i dunno, maybe i'll just tell the truth and see what happens. i'm pretty much the only applicant anyway

dude 12:00 is lunch for bigwigs.

[Bob]

man, i can't wait until i make enough money to afford lunch

[Dorothy Wood]

shoulda said 10 a.m.

other than that, you just have to be honest, but there's no way to do well in an interview with a douchebag unless you're a douchebag yourself so you kinda gotta be like, "hey man, I'm not the biggest personality in the room, but I work hard and I get the job done right".

let your sense of humor show a bit, especially with the receptionist (even if she or he seems like a bitch), ask he/she what his/her name is and introduce yourself. show up early and ask to use the restroom so you can look at yourself and make sure you don't have any mustard on your chin from all the hotdogs you're always eating, wash your hands with hot water and dry them well (it makes your hands warm, but not sweaty for the hand shaking).


I think the whole "be confident" thing is kinda stupid, because everyone is nervous in an interview (unless you're a douchebag and/or delusional). it's an awkward situation and nobody is ever their true selves.

present the facts, have questions ready...I don't really know what kind you should ask in your line of work though.

I'd say instead of thinking "be confident", think "be less self-conscious, we're all humans".


I'm a ball of awkward in interviews, but I know that I'm smarter than a lot of people and can do my job better than some fast-talking joker who's instantly best friends with everyone they meet. and I know you're smart and funny, and you can't communicate that to everyone you want right off the bat, but eventually you'll get a chance to, and it might take awhile, but you should never stop looking for a job where you're respected for your ideas and actions over your personality (which is a good one, better than most I'd say, it just takes awhile for it to come out).

good luck!

[skra75]

What you wear to the interview, as shallow as it seems, has a whole lot to do with whether or not you get the job.

Examine the position you're applying for, then dress at the right level.

Common mistakes are - either just "being yourself" and wearing some old khakis and a beat up Old Navy shirt with some non matching tie in. then you look like an extra in a porno.

Another mistake is people overdress, wearing a balck suit in there and looking like a goddamn hitman or...again...an extra in a porno.

The trick is dressing just slightly - ever so slightly - less formal than the position you are going for. This is tough to do - but if you do your visual research (like - really check out what people wear to their job) it shouldn't be so hard.

EXAMPLE - the job is a desk position. Most everyone in the office is wearing khakis and solid color or print shirts tucked in, no adornment, with basic shoes. For this job, you might wear khakis and a brand new or really really nicely ironed old tight check plaid shirt with a smart zip cardigan or some shit, and match it up with the shoes - don't wear black shoes with khakis or you look like an herb, unless your sweater really matches and that is hard to pull off.

Avoid wearing really beat up "corporate casual" shoes to an interview. I immediately look at the shoes someone wears in, and they tell a story of who is wearing them. Not to say all people with Bad Shoes are poor workers - I know a guy right now who is super talented and I swear I want to raid his closet and throw all of his shoes in the Garbage can.

LAST: color has a LOT to do with whether or not you get the job. I read a Feng Shui article once about clothes and how you project yourself. Sounds corny but the shit was on!

BLACK - commanding, bravado, risky, confident. But - you could come off looking like a tool know-it-all or arrogant.

BLUE - pensive - but blending in. Doesn't affect anyone one way or another. But - you could come off as weak

DARK GREEN - same sorta thing as blue.

GREY - I love wearing grey. Grey says, stable, smart, immovable...like a Rock. That's how I'm living! But - you could come off as one who doesn't take risks.

RED - Creative, bold, fun, energetic, lucky. But - too much will make you look like a flakey fruitball who's gonna shake too many trees.

Judging by your personality, I'd say to wear some dark grey but have some accents of color, like blues or reds or something, like a t-shirt visible under a button-down, or accents on a smart striped tie. This way, your shyness will come off as level headed ness and the nits of color will make the person think - hey! this person has more to offer than what they are letting on.

Padster is actually right. But don't smoke for real, but act like you just did. Come in relaxed, and smile soft, genuine smiles. Take a few seconds to answer questions. relax in the interviewer's chair, pretend you are at home. Or pretend you are Danny Ocean, just kinda chill and look like you have other things going on in your mind...but you are willing to give them a few seconds of your time.

Haha I'm so full of shit. Good lord look how much I wrote!:eek:

[Bob]

the dressing thing is actually pretty easy for lawyer jobs, you have to wear a suit. i only have two suits, both of which kind of suck. i have a black suit, which really isn't an appropriate color for a job interview, and a charcoal grey pinstriped suit, which looks navy and stupid and also it doesn't fit because the salesman and tailor at macy's are completely fucking worthless, so i usually end up wearing the black suit because the other one makes me look like a 12 year old borrowing my dad's suit

i should just buy a new one, and i will, eventually, but apart from the suit, the other thing i stress over clothing-wise is the tie. i have a red tie, a power tie, but maybe it's, you know, too powerful, like you say, i look like a hitman. i have a yellow tie which i kind of like, it's a vaguely gold tie, it's like a money tie. i also have a powder blue tie which looks kind of nice but i dunno, really kind of like the look of the gold tie over the black suit, but i also have a terrible fashion sense so i don't trust my sense of what looks good

[mikizee]

you should wear a penis tie like this (http://www.toxicjunction.com/get.asp?i=P1557)

[skra75]

OK - cool - I get the picture now. I would say to do this - look at GQ an stuff. It's embarrassing, and alot of the stuff is worthless. But have a look at what guys are wearing. Also - if the pinstripe job is not fitting - take it in to a cleaners in a bad part of town and see if they can take it in. Classic, two-button cuts are in, with a slim fit across the chest. It's a good time for us nerds, cause we look cool in such suits.

But I would say lose the gold tie. Striped, somewhat collegiate ties work well, look at simple stripes or a solid. Old looks are in style, and a muted color could speak well of ambition without looking corny

see if you can go to TJ MAxx or Marshalls or Burlingtons (I like those places) and find a tie that fits the bill. But avoid patterns and paisleys, so distracting! Except stripes, I think stripes are somewhat safe if they are muted.

CLick (http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/3016845/0~2376777~2374609~6007418~6016559?mediumthumbnail= Y&origin=category&searchtype=&pbo=6016559&P=1)

click (http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/3000651/0~2376777~2374609~6007418~6016559?mediumthumbnail= Y&origin=category&searchtype=&pbo=6016559&P=1)

[checkyourprez]

the dressing thing is actually pretty easy for lawyer jobs, you have to wear a suit. i only have two suits, both of which kind of suck. i have a black suit, which really isn't an appropriate color for a job interview, and a charcoal grey pinstriped suit, which looks navy and stupid and also it doesn't fit because the salesman and tailor at macy's are completely fucking worthless, so i usually end up wearing the black suit because the other one makes me look like a 12 year old borrowing my dad's suit

i should just buy a new one, and i will, eventually, but apart from the suit, the other thing i stress over clothing-wise is the tie. i have a red tie, a power tie, but maybe it's, you know, too powerful, like you say, i look like a hitman. i have a yellow tie which i kind of like, it's a vaguely gold tie, it's like a money tie. i also have a powder blue tie which looks kind of nice but i dunno, really kind of like the look of the gold tie over the black suit, but i also have a terrible fashion sense so i don't trust my sense of what looks good

http://img102.imageshack.us/img102/2503/bobvs6.jpg

[Dorothy Wood]

dude, just dress like obama

[checkyourprez]

obama is black. i doubt bob wants to go around looking like a black man.

[Dorothy Wood]

obama is black. i doubt bob wants to go around looking like a black man.

w t f

[Bob]

no he's right, i'm pretty racist

[Dorothy Wood]

oh right, I forgot. my bad.

[paul jones]

I think I've been to between 20-30 job interviews.

they're so fucking boring

[mikizee]

I havent had that many, every single job interview I've done I've gotten the job.

Thats cuz I'm a WINNA

[TimDoolan]

I was getting interviewed for a job a JC penny, this bitch was talking to me for an hour and a half and I was sure I got the job, then she's like, "Ok come in next week to talk to the manager, then you'll know if you got the job or not....

Isn't it common courtesy to interview in 30 minutes, TOPS? Maybe this woman is certain I'm the one but jeeze.

[na§tee]

don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want! that's a good piece of advice. except if you want to be a clown. that would be bad.

when i am nervous i tell jokes. invariably i am nervous in interviews so i always make a small joke and it seems to put everyone at ease. although in the job i have now i did make a joke about throwing myself out of a window (uhmm) which was probably a bit extreme, but hey, i got the job, right? who cares.

i've become better with dealing with my nerves, however. at the end of the day they have invited YOU to come and speak to them. they have seen something already that they desire. sure it's up to you to prove it, and this is a lot of pressure, but think of it more as a conversation about what you can do for them and what they can do for you developmental wise.

a really often neglected part of an interview is where they are "do you have any questions?" think of a few before hand. it shows you are proactive and have done your research and, above all, are INTERESTED. if you're like "nah" they'll be :/. i once bullshitted to the EXTREME (i didn't really want the job and hadn't prepared properly but still didn't want to embarass myself) and at this part i said "what are you most proud of with your work at <arts/education establishment>?" they duly answered but halfway through one of the panellists sat back and was like "i'm sorry. but that is a really great question. that's got me thinking now! what am i most proud of? you prepared that didn't you?!" me: "err..." anyway, don't just ask the technical stuff about annual leave, notice, salary, whatever. ask them what they want and desire. it feeds the ego dude.

don't be disheartened. if you walk in there defeated already they'll be able to tell. they already want something from you! prove it muthafuckah!

[laura]

dude, just dress like obamaand hope they arent repubblican!!!!!!!!!!!!!

anyway, what I dislike the most are questions like:
"could you describe yourself in three words?" :eek:

[BangkokB]

Start the interview off saying that Bob is your slave name but you'd prefer to be called The Dungeon Master. Do a Take Away: Gift of Gab/Bullshit artist your way through it and let them know that you are weighing YOU'RE options not vice versa. For God's sake you're a Lawyer. Bury a lie between 2 truths but that could be a lie too- So just Lie. Raise them up to your level not you stoop down to theirs. And last but not least: Bring a small dog with you to the interview that you keep in your lap @ all times. Don't give a hand shake: Give Dap instead. When they ask if you would like tea or coffee always ask for a milkshake: And then say by Milkshake you mean a Guinness. Everyone likes a jokemaker

That worked for me when I went to my interviews at Glamor Shots, Arms dealer, Brake Salesman, Highrise Window Washer, the Human Cannonball, Hells Angel, Subway, Jazz Club owner, Paramedic, Somalian Pirate, Footlocker Shoe Salesman, Prison Guard, Roadie for Led Zeppelin, Norm on Cheers, Light bulb engineer, Dictator of Comoros, City Bus Driver, a bit part for the movie Titanic, and Astronaut. In that order. To where I am now: a Gameshow Host in Japan

/Seriously: the 1st half worked for me for job that the company had to put up $50K USD to secure me a Work Permit and pay me Long Green- $1K USD per month. And, on that one, my resume said I graduated from Oxford.

I did not graduate from Oxford, nor have I been on that Continent.

[Belt Parkway]

i really hope that nobody important knows i post here, because i'd be in some serious embarrassing shit if they did
I think you're pretty safe here.