Dealing with things

[russhie]

We all deal with things differently.

Last night a very very close friend of mine was assaulted and I feel like I've dropped the ball in supporting her, I think I come across as insensitive and uncaring...when really my heart aches for her. I can only deal with things the way I know how to, in that I can hug her and tell her I love her and will support her and try to make her laugh. I'm not the sort of person that will necessarily be around all the time, though. If she wants to talk, I'll listen, otherwise I generally leave people alone while they are trying to work through a traumatic event...that's what I prefer when dealing with my own personal stuff.

Another very close friend left several messages on my phone about how stupid and mean and horrible I am because I wasn't there to deal with it when it happened - the three of us had been at a bar together and I had left with another friend prior to it all going awry. I missed the incident, I missed the aftermath, and now I feel like I'm a failure as a friend because of the way I'm dealing with it all.

I feel really, really bad right now :(

[Dorothy Wood]

agh, that sucks. unfortunately no matter what you do, you can't change the situation. but nobody should blame you or judge you for not giving the exact amount of support that's expected. sometimes it's hard to know how much support people want or need, especially if you are the kind of person who likes to deal with things quietly and/or on your own.

you might want to say that. I don't know that it will work though. a former boyfriend of mine had a grandmother die and it led to us breaking up kind of. I wasn't supportive enough. or at least, he told me he wanted to be alone for a couple days, but then got mad that I left him alone. said I should've come over anyway. :rolleyes: anyway, that's when I came crashing down off the pedastal he'd put me on. even though I tried to explain that I like to deal with sad things in a more private way and acted according to that.


what happened to your friend is quite a bit more traumatizing though. ah, I keep trying to think of ways you could support her, but I don't know any! geez, I'm terrible at that stuff. when bad stuff's happened to me, I usually just expected people to be nice to me and let me cry and act like a weirdo without thinking I'm nuts for it. maybe some hugs, and then leave me alone.

[ET]

I can hug her and tell her I love her and will support her and try to make her laugh. I'm not the sort of person that will necessarily be around all the time, though. If she wants to talk, I'll listen, otherwise I generally leave people alone while they are trying to work through a traumatic event...that's what I prefer when dealing with my own personal stuff.

I'm sure it means a lot to her for you to do that and one would imagine she knows how you deal with your own personal stuff. Your friend is a fucktard for calling you a horrible person though. He/She probably feels guilty about it too and they're just taking it out on you for not being around. Not that it validates those statements.

It's never to late to be there for your friend. Like Ms Crafty said, just let her know how you feel and I'm sure she won't consider you a failure as a friend. In these cases, counseling tends to help smooth out the aftermath of these things. You might want to mention it to her or at least to her other friends.

Hope all goes well for the both of you.

[mickill]

Unless the friend who blames you for not being there would have been upset with you even if nothing had gone wrong, there's no reason why you should let her comments bother you. A lot of people don't know where to direct their anger when they feel helpless. Soon enough, I'm sure she'll regret those remarks, your friend who was assaulted will require less from you, and your own feelings of guilt will have lifted. It's only been a day. Don't let it get to you.

[Lyman Zerga]

if that person thinks youre her babysitter than she should pay you