mistakes and apologies: I don't GET some people!

[Nuzzolese]

I don't understand people who get angry at someone for an honest mistake. Everybody makes mistakes, okay, we know this already as a species, it's common knowledge, it's been proven. So if I made a mistake, if I am sorry and I acknowledge my mistake, why are you getting mad at me? I didn't do it on purpose. I understand being upset that it HAPPENED, but why are you yelling at me and calling me names?


If someone does something that screws things up, but they didn't do it on purpose, I don't get mad at that person. I can't, because I know in my heart that they didn't mean to, and that they made a mistake. I get mad over the consequences of their mistake, but I can immediately forgive them since they didn't mean to do anything wrong.

Some people interpret mistakes a different way. They think that if you messed up it means you weren't thinking, because you didn't care enough to be more careful, and therefore they get mad at you for not caring.

What is with that?



And then there's the deal with the apology. If I mess up and ruin someone's day, or their hour, or their mood...it's important to me that I apologize. You should let someone apologize if they messed up. It is the gracious thing to do, to acknowledge the apology. I think that apologizing is like a gift; you give the other person, the wronged person, the opportunity to be gracious.

But some people don't like that. They consider the apology to be meaningless and to be some form of dwelling on the mistake. They won't accept the apology, they tell me to shut up and will say "I'll get over it" or "let's move on." But that's not the same thing as accepting my apology. That's denying me any forgiveness. How cruel is that??!!

[mickill]

I'm one of those people where if I have to explain what you did wrong for like 2 hours before you understand why I'm upset, the apology has to be that much more sincere or meaningful in order for it to matter to me right away. But if it's like, you do something wrong, you realize it on your own and then you willingly apologize, I won't dwell on it. That's how I roll.

[Nuzzolese]

When someone makes what we in the industry call a "stupid mistake" do you get offended that they didn't seem to care enough to take things seriously? Like, for example if you were on vacation with someone and they set the alarm clock but they forgot to turn up the volume and you both overslept, missing an hour of potential vacation fun, would you get really mad at them for being so careless? I mean, it's their loss, too!

This is an example from an interior decorating book that helps people decide what their style personality represents: Let's say that someone comes into your house and admires something valuable on the shelf. They pick it up and accidentally drop it and it breaks. They're super sorry and you know they didn't do it on purpose and they're offering to pay you and they're trying to help clean up the mess.

Are you offended that they would touch something of yours so carelessly?

[beastiegirrl101]

I don't know if this is a similar example but I have never been the girl to borrow my clothes, shoes...whatever to friends. I take very good care of my things to the point where I am anal. The one time I let a girlfriend borrow a dress she spilled something oily on it and gave it back without mentioning it. Now she could have not noticed it, or maybe she did and tried to pass it off...but wouldn't you think if you are borrowing something of that nature you'd at least have it cleaned before you gave it back? Or is that me just being anal again?

[hpdrifter]

Wow, appropos thread. I am having a terrible day because I keep making mistakes and fucking things up for other people. I just want to crawl into a hole and hide until everyone forgets about me or someone else becomes the designated asshole.

[hpdrifter]

God I just want to cry. My staff are up in arms because I can't keep my GODDAMN mouth shut. I have inadvertently said inappropriate things that I can't take back.

[Nuzzolese]

I don't know if this is a similar example but I have never been the girl to borrow my clothes, shoes...whatever to friends. I take very good care of my things to the point where I am anal. The one time I let a girlfriend borrow a dress she spilled something oily on it and gave it back without mentioning it. Now she could have not noticed it, or maybe she did and tried to pass it off...but wouldn't you think if you are borrowing something of that nature you'd at least have it cleaned before you gave it back? Or is that me just being anal again?

Maybe she had it cleaned but the oil didn't come out. Oil is a tough one. Was she Greek?

[mickill]

If it can be undone, I wouldn't hold it against someone for damaging anything of mine. This one time, though, a friend of ours and her 2 year old were over, and the kid started whacking on our wood coffee table with a big spoon. Within seconds there were big dents all over the table (which, evidently was carved from the finest imported cheap crap). Naturally, I couldn't really blame anyone, let alone kill the kid or anything. But she just apologized. And that was it. She left without even offering to do anything about it. Apology smology, bitch, pay for my shit.

[mickill]

God I just want to cry. My staff are up in arms because I can't keep my GODDAMN mouth shut. I have inadvertently said inappropriate things that I can't take back.

Where do you work? The Roman Senate?

[beastiegirrl101]

Maybe she had it cleaned but the oil didn't come out. Oil is a tough one. Was she Greek?

It was in a plastic bag in a ball when she gave it back to me. It was dry cleaned, on a hanger in plastic when I gave it to her, I expect it back in the same condition.

She's not Greek...ha.

[Nuzzolese]

If it can be undone, I wouldn't hold it against someone for damaging anything of mine. This one time, though, a friend of ours and her 2 year old were over, and the kid started whacking on our wood coffee table with a big spoon. Within seconds there were big dents all over the table (which, evidently was carved from the finest imported cheap crap). Naturally, I couldn't really blame anyone, let alone kill the kid or anything. But she just apologized. And that was it. She left without even offering to do anything about it. Apology smology, bitch, pay for my shit.

Now your table is "distressed" and it has character. You should thank her.

[b i o n i c]

nat : thats retarded! i hope you said something.

if it was me i wouldve thrown it back to them and said "bring it back clean and on a hanger, asshole" with a smile.

[Nuzzolese]

What if they returned your dress to you, bionic, balled up in a plastic bag, but with a hot naked chick in it? eh?

[b i o n i c]

a hot naked chick in a plastic bag?

[Nuzzolese]

she's all yours if you can look past the feta stain on the bodice. I roofied her about 45 ago so you've got some time to decide.

[b i o n i c]

maybe if you throw in a pack of stainsticks

[Nuzzolese]

Just keep her in the plastic; you don't get dirty and no one has to know! We didn't talk today, if anyone asks, you got that?

[Dorothy Wood]

I am pretty angry about an honest mistake today. the problem is, this person is always making "honest mistakes". he's my coworker and my friend, but because he messed something up, I have to rearrange my day around it and give a discount to the customer, and magically make something passable.

it's not that big of a deal, but it sucks. especially when the customer has to take the piece to NYC, today. and he didn't even write that on the order. there is no mention of it needing to be done by a certain date at all. the only reason I know is because she came in last night to ask about it and I said, "oh yeah, it'll be done" because all her materials were here and it seemed simple enough. but when it came down to actually doing it, I found the mistake and was like, "fuck". so now I look an asshole.

anyway, there's no changing it, but I still yelled. okay, I didn't yell, but I was very stern and clearly angry. he just kept saying, "I'm sure it'll be fine", and I just kept saying, "that's not the point". and he said, "what can I do, I made a mistake", and I was like, "that's not the point, just stop making mistakes or I will murder you."

this was over the phone, if he were here, I probably wouldn't be as angry because I'd just make him deal with it. even still, I'd probably take care of it and make him sweep the floor. because I don't trust anyone to do anything right but me in these situations...or ever.


I think that when you make mistakes that affect other people, they get angry and upset because they don't want you to do it again. you'll remember the reaction and pay better attention or do things with a little more care. I'm not sure that things work that way though.

I accepted my friend's apology, but I'm still mad. so mad I'm posting on the internet instead of dealing with the problem. ha. the thing that sucks is that I want him to do good and I want to trust him...but I just can't. I'm continually in the position of checking everyone's work to make sure it's accurate and/or acceptable. shit's annoying. just do it right. jesus.

[Nuzzolese]

You cannot treat people like they are your children! Unless, they are your children.

I mean, if he makes the mistakes again and again, you fire him. If someone is your friend and they make mistakes again and again that make it hard for you to enjoy being with them, then you may have to not be such good friends with them if it bothers you that much.

My point is, it's not your job to teach people to not make mistakes anymore. No one can do that. And try to remember that the next time YOU make a stupid mistake. Oh, but I guess you're so perfect you always check the volume on the alarm!

[mickill]

OMG don't take it out on others now! She's not the one who hurt you.

[Nuzzolese]

I'll cut you.

[mickill]

Don't you see what's happening here? The bad energy entered into you and now you're entering it into us.

[Dorothy Wood]

You cannot treat people like they are your children! Unless, they are your children.

I mean, if he makes the mistakes again and again, you fire him. If someone is your friend and they make mistakes again and again that make it hard for you to enjoy being with them, then you may have to not be such good friends with them if it bothers you that much.

My point is, it's not your job to teach people to not make mistakes anymore. No one can do that. And try to remember that the next time YOU make a stupid mistake. Oh, but I guess you're so perfect you always check the volume on the alarm!

I don't treat people like children unless they act like children. some of my students at my other job are more conscientious than some of my coworkers. and I'm the manager, so I guess it kind of is my job to teach people not to make mistakes. or at least try to prevent them. I'm not in the position to fire anyone, and truthfully, I've worked with people much worse. people who were truly madly deeply, stupid. and mean.

like I said, I want to trust him. he offers a lot to the job, but he is a space cadet sometimes. I never said I was perfect, but I definitely double check my work and make sure that if something really needs to be done by a certain time, I make a note of it.

it's just little things that add up to a lot. my constant awareness of my surroundings and concern about the consequences of action or inaction is a gift and a burden.


just now, I screamed bloody murder and almost started crying actual tears because someone has tightened the drill head so tight that I can't turn it to change the bit. I would never do that. I would be responsible and considerate enough to not over-tighten it. is it a big deal? no, but it fucking sucks because I need to change the bit and I can't. I'll eventually get it unstuck, but I shouldn't have to make the god damn effort in the first place.


WHY ISN'T EVERYONE EXACTLY LIKE ME?!!

:o


Nuzz, sounds like your mistake was a one time thing. I'm not yelling at you, just trying to give the angry person perspective.

[paul jones]

nuzz, just tell these bitchfucks that they can go remove themsmellves off the vicinity of your case.

next time say to one of these cunts 'hmphhh,well...YOUR parents made the biggest fucking mistake in the history of the universe and that was YOU!' that should shut the spazmos up, unless they are your boss in which case they'll fire you unless you take it further at an unfair dismissal tribunal.

basically there'll always be cunts going around being cunts(y)

[Nuzzolese]

I've broken some things that belonged to my boyfriend. A sculpture, all of the ceramic bathroom accessories except for the soapdish, so many dishes I can't even count them. I mean, I'm SORRY! But he gets furious. And I tell you I don't know how to be more careful. Things gets broke sometimes. I will never, ever forget those times when I broke things. The sick, nauseated feeling in my stomach, the heat around my face, the shaking hands, it's all so etched into my brain. I have learned how awful it feels to make a mistake. I have not learned to be magical and never bump into things or slip or be such a goddamn loser I will seriously cut you all up.

[Nuzzolese]

Don't you see what's happening here? The bad energy entered into you and now you're entering it into us.

I feel powerful, beautiful, and terrible like elven Kate Blanchet in negative lighting. All will worship me and despair.

[Dorothy Wood]

being a klutz is different than being a flake. maybe you should take some juggling classes to increase your dexterity?

I used to be way more klutzy than I am now, but in my line of work, klutz=blood and pain.

you only have to stab yourself in the hand once or twice with an awl to never do it again (fingers crossed!), or slice open four of your fingertips at once to never be so casual with a piece of glass again.

[Nuzzolese]

If I had to practice juggling I'd be breaking a lot more stuff I tell you that.

I've been thinking about the role of a boss, and of employees some more. And still I cannot fathom getting personally angry at someone for making an honest mistake when they had good intentions.

Now I understand that when you are paying someone for competence, that's different. You're not friends with people because they remember to put things back in the right place and log off the computer when they're done and clean up after themselves, right? But the sole reason you pay someone at their job is for their ability to not screw up too much. Similarly, if they aren't the friendliest or most interesting person, you forgive them that if they do their job well.

Nevertheless, I still don't think it's right to scold people for messing up by accident. If anything you be professional at work and talk to them seriously about their mistake, but don't show your anger directed at them! If they know they messed up then you can show that you are disappointed and angry over what happened but you shouldn't somehow try to humiliate them or punish them emotionally! I guess you can only do that in the armed forces.

You have to look at the circumstances. If the only reason I was on that vacation was to make sure we got up on time then, yes, getting angry at me for failing in my only duties would be justified. But when someone is there for companionship, you're supposed to look past mistakes like that because they are there for bigger reasons.

[beastieangel01]

Some people interpret mistakes a different way. They think that if you messed up it means you weren't thinking, because you didn't care enough to be more careful, and therefore they get mad at you for not caring.

What is with that?



And then there's the deal with the apology. If I mess up and ruin someone's day, or their hour, or their mood...it's important to me that I apologize. You should let someone apologize if they messed up. It is the gracious thing to do, to acknowledge the apology. I think that apologizing is like a gift; you give the other person, the wronged person, the opportunity to be gracious.

But some people don't like that. They consider the apology to be meaningless and to be some form of dwelling on the mistake. They won't accept the apology, they tell me to shut up and will say "I'll get over it" or "let's move on." But that's not the same thing as accepting my apology. That's denying me any forgiveness. How cruel is that??!!

sounds like my ex-boyfriend.

I don't get it, either.

[hpdrifter]

Glad he's an ex.

N - Sounds like your current has some anger issues.

[mickill]

You just need to become fluent in the five languages of apology (http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn_apology.html)

[Nuzzolese]

N - Sounds like your current has some anger issues.

you talk shit about my boo again, I claw your eyes out

[Nuzzolese]

You just need to become fluent in the five languages of apology (http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn_apology.html)

I only know conversational apology, and I can read some.

[hpdrifter]

you talk shit about my boo again, I claw your eyes out

I just noticed two posts from you about him getting very angry at you over what I would consider minor things. But okay.

*backs off*