View Full Version : When you wipe your arse
and your finger slips through the paper onto your asshole...
...you always smell don't you. Admit it. Even though you know you just got a little bit of shit on the end of your finger you still smell it to make sure.
Sick bastards.
Jollop
03-28-2009, 02:54 PM
Papers for whimps:cool:
Dorothy Wood
03-28-2009, 03:00 PM
really? I've never thought to do that. gross.
however, I do look at my boogers after I've blown my nose.
really? I've never thought to do that. gross.
however, I do look at my boogers after I've blown my nose.
And say "Good haul!".
Dorothy Wood
03-28-2009, 03:08 PM
no I don't. :mad:
I say, "mmmmmm, DEElish"
in a snagglepuss voice.
paul jones
03-28-2009, 03:13 PM
this thread is shit (y)
checkyourprez
03-28-2009, 03:29 PM
i always use a ton of TP to never run into that problem.
the bigger question is do you stay seated and lift up one check, or do you stand. i thought it was pretty obvious everyone stayed seated until my one good friend from college said he stood up and he was equally surprised i stayed seated. which i found nutts, why the hell would you get up?
Sit and lean, always. How could you wipe standing up? It would just smudge in between your cheeks.
Lyman Zerga
03-28-2009, 03:37 PM
i use wet toilet paper so my fingers and ass is more likely to smell like some fake flower odor
Dorothy Wood
03-28-2009, 03:38 PM
maybe the standing wiper has a shallow buttcrack. does he have a small butt?
Guy Incognito
03-28-2009, 03:41 PM
this wont be a problem when everyone starts using the 3 shells.
paul jones
03-28-2009, 03:46 PM
I'm going to get paranoid the next time I have a shit now.If I don't wipe properly the rirv toilet ettiqeutte police will be notified by the hidden cctv cameras hidden in robot spiders.
did I spell ettiqutte right?
Jollop
03-28-2009, 03:55 PM
Why the hell would you stand up?
This creates SMUDGING!
Just stay seated, put your hand holding the TP between your legs, and starting at the back...wipe forwards.
As you become familiar with this, you can use the same TP for a scoop-fold-scoop method. This enables the user to smile alot, knowing that they are saving many trees, thus reducing their carbon footprint.
Scoop-fold-scoop
Wipe forwards? Are you fucking mental? You'll only end up with poop on your balls/vagine.
Guy Incognito
03-28-2009, 04:04 PM
Why the hell would you stand up?
This creates SMUDGING!
Just stay seated, put your hand holding the TP between your legs, and starting at the back...wipe forwards.
As you become familiar with this, you can use the same TP for a scoop-fold-scoop method. This enables the user to smile alot, knowing that they are saving many trees, thus reducing their carbon footprint.
Scoop-fold-scoop
Wipe forwards? Are you fucking mental? You'll only end up with poop on your balls/vagine.
shitty balls or global warming - its a tough call.
Jollop
03-28-2009, 04:08 PM
Am i Fucking Mental? . . . maybe
But, No, I've never wiped poop on my balls. That's like me saying you'll end-up with shit on your back. It's just about knowing when to stop!
Also, remember to smile, once you've mastered Scoop-fold-scoop!
Dorothy Wood
03-28-2009, 05:03 PM
dude, scoop-fold-scoop just made me puke in my mouth a little.
front to back is the way of civilized folks.
checkyourprez
03-28-2009, 05:26 PM
i dont think he totally stands. maybe a half stand knees bent.
tp coming from the side, or the middle with you people?
Helvete
03-28-2009, 06:13 PM
Haha, this thread is classic.
Okay so like yeah, this sounds so much like squaddie speak. But the worst one of them all is the wipe til it bleeds scenario. Jeez, maybe I have ass cancer.
checkyourprez
03-28-2009, 07:13 PM
Haha, this thread is classic.
Okay so like yeah, this sounds so much like squaddie speak. But the worst one of them all is the wipe til it bleeds scenario. Jeez, maybe I have ass cancer.
or hemorrhoids.
TurdBerglar
03-28-2009, 09:19 PM
how does a blind person know they're done wiping
checkyourprez
03-29-2009, 01:16 AM
i can usually tell by the shit, and how it leaves my ass how much i have to wipe. sometimes i know i dont have to wipe at all.
thats how i roll.
how does a blind person know they're done wiping
when their dog stops licking.
checkyourprez
03-29-2009, 01:47 PM
haha you dont gotta be blind for the scenario to go down. ;)
ScarySquirrel
03-29-2009, 04:56 PM
this wont be a problem when everyone starts using the 3 shells.
In the future all restaurants are Taco Bell.
P of R
03-30-2009, 04:51 AM
One up, one down and then a finishing touch.(y)
Helvete
03-30-2009, 04:54 AM
A finishing touch? What, like a 360 spin or something?
A finishing touch? What, like a 360 spin or something?
Don't you squaddies squat right down so that the shit doesn't touch the sides? At least that's what Andy McNab said.
P of R
03-30-2009, 05:00 AM
A finishing touch? What, like a 360 spin or something?
It's up to the wiper to choose what the finishing touch entails. Me? A Gentle rub.
Helvete
03-30-2009, 05:22 AM
Don't you squaddies squat right down so that the shit doesn't touch the sides? At least that's what Andy McNab said.
I don't know, maybe when use of paper is limited, but most of my shits are in the comfort of my own bathroom so I never have to do that.
Guy Incognito
03-30-2009, 05:25 AM
i heard something once that may or may not be true about uk army, when they are in the field they dont get much paper and that its got a hole in the middle and you actually wipe your bum with your finger then wipe your finger with the paper. thats probably bollocks tho
Helvete
03-30-2009, 05:34 AM
Not anymore at least, but it's also a story I've heard about back in the day. But what it used to go like was this: You'd get one piece of paper, and tear a whole in the middle, put your finger through that and then use your finger to clean your ass. Once 'clean', you'd pull the paper off your finger scraping the shit off as you go. Then using the small circle you had ripped off, you'd scrape under your fingernail.
Probably a load of crap (literally), as no-one I know has actually had to do that, but it's one of those myths perpetuated by the older guys as it's something they were told by guys when they were young.
Lyman Zerga
03-30-2009, 09:31 AM
but in the real war i probably wouldnt care if my ass is clean or not
checkyourprez
03-30-2009, 09:51 AM
you'd be shitting yourself half the time anyway.
Helvete
03-30-2009, 10:05 AM
Even in a wartime situation, personal hygiene is very important. Especially in places like the Middle East and Asia where disease can spread very quickly and whole platoons of men can be out of action through sickness.
Lyman Zerga
03-30-2009, 10:50 AM
good to know
Whilst we're talking about this...wtf is it with europe and their inspection shelfs :confused:
I'm looking at you France and Germany!
checkyourprez
03-30-2009, 12:22 PM
i use dry tp for number 1s
i use wet wipes for number 2s. so i haven't had that problem for ages.
do you just keep a supply next to the shitter and in your purse?
vBulletin® v3.6.7, Copyright ©2000-2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.