My incredible resiliency makes me stagnant

[Nuzzolese]

It's easy for me to bounce back from failures. I may feel defeated at first but that feeling of defeat is soon overpowered by the desire to try again, or to look to something better. Right away I say "okay this is what I did wrong and this is how to be better!"

I really believe that failures can be useful but I wonder if an immediate impulse to get over it could smother their usefulness. Maybe emotionally getting over things too quickly isn't useful at all.

Some things are an on-going process of improvement; you can't ever get them "right" but there's no strong sense of failure either. Maybe those are the most useful things.

A couple of years ago my current BF dumped me. I felt terrible and despondent for a day, but by the following evening I had reconciled it to myself that it was done and over. I had already resolved to move on with myself, be a better person, learn from this. I was still sad but my drive to improve was taking over like a defense mechanism.

I'm repulsed by the fact that I can emotionally change so willingly, allow my get-over-it impulses to override my feelings!

Although this is a great survival instinct to avoid enduring pain, it seems kind of shallow, cold and disgusting to me. And besides that, I wonder if it even helps me or if it just makes me deny what happened.

It seems counter-intuitive to try to better myself by encouraging something like wallowing in self-pity and depression. But perhaps those feelings have some purpose. Do I look forward out of an act of strength, or out of fear of looking back? I don't know if I can change this about myself.




I think I really did become a better person from it, but maybe that's only because he decided to give me another chance, and that took away some of the immediacy of my desire to be a better person.



I wonder, if he had not wanted to work things out, would I really have become a better person? Would I have actually learned enough from the ordeal?


This is so long it sounds like a blog. I'm sorry. Believe it or not I trimmed this down to half of what I originally wrote.

[beastieangel01]

Perhaps the only worrisome part is that it seems, from the way you describe it, that you jump to the get-over-it stage so quickly that maybe you are suppressing the other feelings too soon.

For the most part I notice that those that don't try to deal with the more 'negative' emotions just swallow them, and eventually there is so much build up (over time and the more that they do so) it manifests itself in negative ways.

But you seem fairly balanced. Maybe for you, skipping the 'negative' emotions is a good thing. If you are this concerned with it though, perhaps talking about those times when you did feel depressed, even if it was for a day, with a friend would be a good idea. Maybe something will bubble up through talking it out and will help you deal with any unresolved, repressed feelings.

And if nothing does, well, cool. Keep doing what you are doing I guess.

I'm no professional though.

[ET]

Self destruction works for me.

[mickill]

Just to add to what ba01 said, I don't think that these "defense mechanisms" that don't allow you to actually go through emotional pain work in your favor. I think that your ability to feel pain is your defense mechanism. The same way that your ability to fear generally deters you from reckless behavior, or how physical pain can warn you of actual injuries you wouldn't otherwise notice. If you stub your toe against the same bed post enough times, you eventually learn to avoid it.

But I'm no professional either.

[Nuzzolese]

So, in your professional opinions, you think it is beneficial in the long run to force myself to sit around and feel sad and depressed, not knowing what to do...at least for a while?

Part of me thinks it's a good quality to be so optimistic and ready to start over, so I almost don't want to change. Who wants to welcome the sadness and hurtness in life? Intellectually, however, I suspect that the sadness has its benefits and I'm just ignoring them.

Buddhists say life is suffering and we make ourselves miserable by trying to avoid suffering, so we should look for suffering and embrace it. That sounds really peaceful and cool when you say it, and brave. But when I try to imagine what that would actually be like, it sounds miserable and pointless!


I think other people always encourage me to get over things and move on - but perhaps that's only because they don't want to see someone else feeling sad because it brings them down.

[b i o n i c]

i dont see the problem here

[fucktopgirl]

i think it is ok to move fast without being a victim, and suffering from self-pity. It is the way i function myself. I remember heartbreak that didn't last too long, I think it is a good survival instinct mechanism to be able to move on quickly, you dont need to cry or be in pain for weeks, you can be in pain for a day or two , but intense , then you move on. Depend how somebody mind/soul is conceive ...

Strengh is a tool indispensable here to fight back.

[Nuzzolese]

neither do i.

you say you've become a better person because of the break up and he's come back to you. what's the problem? am i missing something?

When he took me back, I could feel sad and work through the problems at a slower pace. I didn't feel such an immediate urge to move on and get over it all. I think if he hadn't, I would have just moved on and dropped all my feelings.

The fact that I can drop feelings like that and decide to be optimistic about the future, decide to be happy, sounds sick to me. I think it makes me empty and simple-minded.

[Nuzzolese]

i think it is ok to move fast without being a victim, and suffering from self-pity. It is the way i function myself. I remember heartbreak that didn't last too long, I think it is a good survival instinct mechanism to be able to move on quickly, you dont need to cry or be in pain for weeks, you can be in pain for a day or two , but intense , then you move on. Depend how somebody mind/soul is conceive ...

Strengh is a tool indispensable here to fight back.

If you get over things quickly, maybe that means you never felt very deeply in the first place. Maybe I am incapable of feeling deeply.

[Nuzzolese]

Why hasn't anyone asked how in the world someone would ever dump me?

[b i o n i c]

you said 'current' boyfriend, so he came to his senses, right?

[Nuzzolese]

Oh, I guess you're right!

[b i o n i c]

are you as resilient with other relationships? deaths? or has it just been the boyfriends?

[Nuzzolese]

I've never been close to someone who died.

Also, I just considered that I might have gotten over the breakup so quickly because I was on vacation at the beach when it happened, and then the next day I went to Disney World.

[b i o n i c]

nah

[fucktopgirl]

If you get over things quickly, maybe that means you never felt very deeply in the first place. Maybe I am incapable of feeling deeply.


I felt deeply for a guy and was able to move on quickly just because i did not want to wast anymore time on a person who did not really care . So, i really do think it is a survival instinct, a mechanism to protect oneself against someone esle action that can be desastrous if taking personally. But this just don't apply in love relationship, it can be apply in lots of others life situation...

[Planetary]

The older i get, the colder my heart grows, i'm surprised i can smile with such sorrow...