moral dillema

[hpdrifter]

A married man goes to a party. He gets really drunk, leaves for awhile and comes back with a prostitute. He goes into the bedroom to have sex with her. What do you do? Do you try to stop him? Do you tell his wife?

[Adam]

make sure he wears a condom

[b i o n i c]

no. things will work themselves out. life has a way of teaching lessons on its own..

[Bob]

i'd want to stop him, but i don't know what i could tell him that he doesn't already know (for example "you're married and you're about to have sex with a prostitute and you're going to regret this when you're sober", he knows that already but he's doing it anyway)

not sure what i'd do about telling the wife. probably nothing because i'm afraid of girls

[Rock]

I'm that party pooper that WOULD say "you're married and you're about to have sex with a prostitute and you're going to regret this when you're sober".

I wouldn't tell the wife unless I was closer to her than him.

[ms.peachy]

i'd want to stop him, but i don't know what i could tell him that he doesn't already know (for example "you're married and you're about to have sex with a prostitute and you're going to regret this when you're sober", he knows that already but he's doing it anyway)


He might 'know' it but it is not in the forefront of his consciousness, so I think moving it into that position might actually be effective. If the guy is my friend, I am not going to sit by and do nothing whilst he jeopardizes his entire future, plus that of another person, and potentially puts both of their health at risk as well. I would definitely pull him aside and say "you fucking stupid idiot, what the hell are you doing?"

As for whether I would tell the wife, it depends. If he comes to his senses and doesn't go through with it, then no. If he does, then quite possibly I might.

[hpdrifter]

It happened Saturday night. Everyone at the party knows and even a bunch of people who weren't. And we're all going to see them both this coming Saturday which will be awkward. Can you imagine being in a room with 20 people who all know your husband fucked a prostitute? She's gonna find out eventually and be completely humiliated. I wonder how he explained his lost wedding ring (the hooker took it because he didn't have any money to pay her).

[Adam]

I'm sure a bunch of people could pooled together to pay for it than giving his ring away. yeah, she will find out and he'll be divorced soon.

[hpdrifter]

He might 'know' it but it is not in the forefront of his consciousness, so I think moving it into that position might actually be effective. If the guy is my friend, I am not going to sit by and do nothing whilst he jeopardizes his entire future, plus that of another person, and potentially puts both of their health at risk as well. I would definitely pull him aside and say "you fucking stupid idiot, what the hell are you doing?"

As for whether I would tell the wife, it depends. If he comes to his senses and doesn't go through with it, then no. If he does, then quite possibly I might.

If you don't try to stop him or tell her does it mean that you are condoning the action?

[b i o n i c]

I wonder how he explained his lost wedding ring (the hooker took it because he didn't have any money to pay her).

wow. looks like things are falling into place already

[hpdrifter]

I'm sure a bunch of people could pooled together to pay for it than giving his ring away. yeah, she will find out and he'll be divorced soon.

He asked around for cash but it was post bar at around 4am and no one had any.

[Rock]

Wait a second...what kind of people do you hang out with that bring hookers back to a party. Bringing one to a party I can kind of understand if hookers are your thing..but leaving the party, picking one up, and going back to the party and banging her. Why not just do it in the car or an alley like hookers are supposed to be banged?

[b i o n i c]

thats prettttttty bad, the ring thing. he might subconsciously not want to be married anymore

[hpdrifter]

I'm completely disgusted. It's been a couple days and I still can't stop thinking about it. It's weirding me out especially because my wedding is on Saturday. His marriage has been in trouble for a long time, I'm pretty sure his wife was or is having an affair.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

I'm that party pooper that WOULD say "you're married and you're about to have sex with a prostitute and you're going to regret this when you're sober".

I wouldn't tell the wife unless I was closer to her than him.

agreed on this one.

Also, I could see myself not saying anything if the guy was just an acquaintance. I'd just be really sad to see it and hope that one of his friends does try to stop him.

[b i o n i c]

His marriage has been in trouble for a long time, I'm pretty sure his wife was or is having an affair.

ah you see? she might be learning a lesson as well. life, its a funny thing.

it doesnt get more symbolic <or insert adj> than that.. giving away your wedding ring to get sex

[Bob]

I wonder how he explained his lost wedding ring (the hooker took it because he didn't have any money to pay her).

jesus christ

[hpdrifter]

Yeah, they both clearly have some lessons to learn, but I don't think it had to be this hard of a lesson. Crazy thing is, they're both normally pretty conservative. I guess it's always that type.

[hpdrifter]

The problem is he's not my friend. I've met him maybe twice and his wife once. I want to tell her because she may be exposed to some diseases but I don't know how and whether it's my place. And like I said, the next time I see her will be my wedding day. I can't imagine how it's going to go, a ton of people there will know this happened. We have an open bar at the wedding so after a few drinks I'm sure something will come out.

Maybe I should just tell him he needs to get himself tested before he touches his wife again. Though that might not be a problem, apparently they don't ever have sex.

[b i o n i c]

has anyone told him about his wife being out cheating on him over concern for his health?

hopefully she hasnt been out bonking male gigalos

[hpdrifter]

Well none of us know for sure that she was or is cheating but I suspect. She hasn't been interested in sex for a long time according to him (they're both young and good looking, no kids), she goes to the gym a lot but doesn't want him to come with her and for awhile there she was going out a lot with her girlfriends and he couldn't go. It seems pretty obvious to me.

[Echewta]

Yup, I would only try and stop the guy if he was one of my really good friends.

I have no pity for the person in this story. Maybe not so much for the wife either if she knew what she was marrying.

Or maybe not. I wonder if dude has been at the pawn shops all day.

[yeahwho]

I don't know why, but this whole situation is making me laugh, I shouldn't be laughing but it is. In a Larry David sort of way. When all the people get together and only the wife doesn't know... will, those are sort of the awkward moments that I thrive in.

Especially when it's someone else in the hot seat.

I say enjoy this savor and enjoy this moment.

[hpdrifter]

Well that's what I think but his friend, my fiance, did almost nothing to stop him. They haven't been close in recent years but they were roommates in college and my fiance was in his wedding.

That bothers me a lot too. He says he is completely disgusted and everyone else that was there was but they let it happen. Hence my question about if you don't try to stop it, are you condoning the action?

[Bob]

Well that's what I think but his friend, my fiance, did almost nothing to stop him. They haven't been close in recent years but they were roommates in college and my fiance was in his wedding.

That bothers me a lot too. He says he is completely disgusted and everyone else that was there was but they let it happen. Hence my question about if you don't try to stop it, are you condoning the action?

if a guy cheats on his wife with a hooker it's his own fault mostly

[yeahwho]

Well that's what I think but his friend, my fiance, did almost nothing to stop him. They haven't been close in recent years but they were roommates in college and my fiance was in his wedding.

That bothers me a lot too. He says he is completely disgusted and everyone else that was there was but they let it happen. Hence my question about if you don't try to stop it, are you condoning the action?

I don't think you can be a moral compass for a scummy guy. This particular situation doesn't rate a Jerry Springer sort of scenario, it's just a scummy guy who doesn't have enough restraint to save money for a hooker. If your fiancee loaned him cash then maybe it's Springer time.

[ms.peachy]

If you don't try to stop him or tell her does it mean that you are condoning the action?

Personally, for me, I would feel that if I did not, then yes I would be complicit. However I am not going to generalise it to say that anybody who doesn't is condoning it, if that makes sense?

As it's your fiance who is in the 'could have acted but didn't' position... I dunno. I think I would feel very disappointed if it was mr.p who did nothing, did not step in and at least try to get his friend to think straight. It would mean in that some way, he is a smaller person than the man I believe he is, and that would make me sad.

[checkyourprez]

i find this scenario pretty funny.

i could actually see a friend of mine doing something like this.



i would defiantly not tell the wife, not ones place unless you are a relative or very good friends with her.


depending on how good of a friend i am with the guy i may have said something before he did it just so i stay in good conscious but in the end im not his dad its not my life.

[yeahwho]

I was best man for my best friend's wedding and he ended up having an affair with a woman from Australia he met on the internet. On his business trips he would meet her, one time he hid here in town at the University Tower Hotel*. Fuck that was awkward, I went to pick him up at SeaTac and he had a nineteen year old hottie with him he wanted me to hide for him.


Anyway this was two years ago and it strained our friendship because his wife is great and he has 3 kids. So now he's all better with the help of counseling and some serotonin drugs...

Anyway it's funny how much like dogs us guys are.

*money makes being scummy even more scurrilous.

[hpdrifter]

As it's your fiance who is in the 'could have acted but didn't' position... I dunno. I think I would feel very disappointed if it was mr.p who did nothing, did not step in and at least try to get his friend to think straight. It would mean in that some way, he is a smaller person than the man I believe he is, and that would make me sad.

He says he grabbed him by the chin twice and made him look him in the eye and said something like do you know what you're doing and the guy said yes, I need this or something like that. Fiance says he was afraid of doing something because he didn't want to make a scene, didn't want the hooker to start yelling and cause the hotel staff to come down. He was also massively drunk.

It all still sounds like excuses to me, though.

[Adam]

I can see why your fiancée did nothing. Maybe he knew he was a fuck up and the only way the guy can learn is if he crashes and burns. Even in your most drugged up state you this is a bad idea. He obviously wanted to go out with a bang and if he and his wife don't have sex then no need to get tested. She will know by now - I'm sure of it. If 20 people knew - at least 100 people now know - plus we all now know. Pictures are probably on facebook and digg.com will be on 50-odd hits. Twitter will be tweeting.

She knows.

[hpdrifter]

Well apparently one of his friends stayed in the room and started to take pictures with someone's camera so...

[yeahwho]

post them

[Echewta]

Look, there is a ring to be found at a pawn shop and money to be made. Can you imagine the bones you could get if you were to present the ring to this guy and say "How much is this worth to you?"

You and your fiance could have a lot of steak dinners yo.

[DipDipDive]

I tend to play moral cop and stick my big jew nose in bidness that isn't mine, so you bet your ass I would've said something. I'm sure there were people at this party who are closer to this douchebag than you are, and if they didn't have the balls to say anything, I would've. There's no way I'd be more remorseful for getting involved than he should be for doing what he did.

But that's me. I don't know when to stay quiet. And now that you know that, I'm gonna go ahead and say that I think you need to find a new crew. You party with people who fuck hookers, and worse yet, people who don't intervene before that kinda shit goes down? What the fuck?

[ms.peachy]

I've been thinking about this and I know this isn't especially helpful but I feel really sad for you that regardless of the outcome, all of these people (bar the hooker) are going to be at your wedding, and that they therefore will be in your wedding photos, so that whenever you look at your wedding album from now until forever you will be reminded of this.

[DipDipDive]

I've been thinking about this and I know this isn't especially helpful but I feel really sad for you that regardless of the outcome, all of these people (bar the hooker) are going to be at your wedding, and that they therefore will be in your wedding photos, so that whenever you look at your wedding album from now until forever you will be reminded of this.

I was just thinking this, too. I would seriously consider disinviting this penis from my wedding because he fucked with my attitude towards fidelity in the most despicable way possible, and did it blatantly, right before I was about to tie the knot. Then when his wife asked why they were no longer welcome, he could decide whether to man up or keep his dirty little secret hidden.

[hpdrifter]

Yeah, I hadn't thought of that. That's a major bummer. Well I think I am going to let him know that I and everyone and their brother know about it and it's only a matter of time before it gets back to his wife. If that isn't enough to make him tell her it's probably enough to give him more than a few stomach aches and sleepless nights.

[RobMoney$]

Just a few questions I have for you to ponder over,

1. How did he know exactly where to go to get a hooker on such short notice? Do you think he's done this before?

2. Why do you think he decided to bring her back to a party full of people (that his wife also knows) and parade this woman in front of?
He wanted this to be public knowledge.
I mean you said his wife wasn't really paying attention to him, going out without him and denying him sex?
This was nothing more than a cry for attention.


It's a sad story. I feel for the guy.



BTW, the correct answer is to MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!
You don't know what's going on in the entire picture here.

Maybe his wife is cheating too? Maybe she did it first?
Maybe she knows about his infidelities and doesn't care.
Maybe she suspects...but realizes that she can live with it.
It's better to stay out of it, particularly when you don't know the entire story. Cheating and Divorce can be devistating.
There's also the chance the wife will either get mad at you or won't believe you if you made the attempt to tell her.

[RobMoney$]

I'm gonna go ahead and say that I think you need to find a new crew. You party with people who fuck hookers, and worse yet, people who don't intervene before that kinda shit goes down? What the fuck?

I disagree.
She knows one guy who's head is fucked up right now and is going through some heavy shit.
That's not a reason to disassociate herself from everyone she hangs with.


ALSO, disinviting him from her wedding isn't going to make the problem go away. It's gonna be on everyone's mind and be a topic of discussion regardless. Best thing to do is to not feed into it and make it more dramatic than it is.
Just don't let your wedding be about their problems.

[DipDipDive]

BTW, the correct answer is to MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!
You don't know what's going on in the entire picture here.

Maybe his wife is cheating too? Maybe she did it first?
Maybe she knows about his infidelities and doesn't care.
Maybe she suspects...but realizes that she can live with it.
It's better to stay out of it, particularly when you don't know the entire story. Cheating and Divorce can be devistating.
There's also the chance the wife will either get mad at you or won't believe you if you made the attempt to tell her.

This is all true, but wouldn't you feel even a slight moral obligation to say something to dude before he did the deed? I mean, circumstances aside, the fact of the matter is that he cheated on his wife with a prostitute. Yes, he made his actions public knowledge, and as far as I'm concerned, that's all the more reason for someone to say something. He kind of made it everyone's business by doing it the way he did.

[DipDipDive]

Oh, we disagree! Imagine that.

[hpdrifter]

Just a few questions I have for you to ponder over,

1. How did he know exactly where to go to get a hooker on such short notice? Do you think he's done this before?

2. Why do you think he decided to bring her back to a party full of people (that his wife also knows) and parade this woman in front of?
He wanted this to be public knowledge.
I mean you said his wife wasn't really paying attention to him, going out without him and denying him sex?
This was nothing more than a cry for attention.


It's a sad story. I feel for the guy.

BTW, the correct answer is to MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!
You don't know what's going on in the entire picture here.

Maybe his wife is cheating too? Maybe she did it first?
Maybe she knows about his infidelities and doesn't care.
Maybe she suspects...but realizes that she can live with it.
It's better to stay out of it, particularly when you don't know the entire story. Cheating and Divorce can be devistating.
There's also the chance the wife will either get mad at you or won't believe you if you made the attempt to tell her.

1. He went to a strip club after the bar and his friend found her for him out on the street.

2. Not very many people at the party knew him and his wife.

Cry for attention not really holding up for me.

[RobMoney$]

This is all true, but wouldn't you feel even a slight moral obligation to say something to dude before he did the deed? I mean, circumstances aside, the fact of the matter is that he cheated on his wife with a prostitute. Yes, he made his actions public knowledge, and as far as I'm concerned, that's all the more reason for someone to say something. He kind of made it everyone's business by doing it the way he did.


I think it depends on how close of friends you are with the guy cheating.
Being she's not really all too close, it's not her place to get involved.
HPD's BF has more of a moral obligation to get involved here because he's closer to both the guy and his wife.

[yeahwho]

I guess I'm the only one who finds the awkwardness of the whole situation to be sort of fun.

I mean really, if anything it adds to the day, not only is the bad man going to be there, so are about twenty secret holders.

What would be really cool is to hire the prostitute to show up and have her there to enhance the day, say as an usher or caterer of some sort. Or as a date for somebody who's going alone.

[DipDipDive]

I think it depends on how close of friends you are with the guy cheating.
Being she's not really all too close, it's not her place to get involved.
HPD's BF has more of a moral obligation to get involved here because he's closer to both the guy and his wife.

In a sensitive situation like this, I think it's almost better for a person with less emotional investment to get involved. Less chance for hurt feelings and obligation to choose sides between husband and wife.

If I didn't know dude all that well, I'd have no problem telling him he's acting like a fucking idiot. I generally don't have trouble saying that to those who I'm close to, either, but a lot of people do because there's more at risk when you're calling out someone you care about.

*shrugs*

[RobMoney$]

1. He went to a strip club after the bar and his friend found her for him out on the street.

2. Not very many people at the party knew him and his wife.

Cry for attention not really holding up for me.

I misunderstood then.
I thought it was a party involving a lot of his and his wife's friends.

It's still kind of odd that he'd bring her back there.
He was obviously trying to show off for some reason.

[hpdrifter]

I think he brought her back there because he needed a place to fuck her.

Well I probably will at least tell him that I know and lots of people at the wedding know. Hopefully he'll be embarassed enough to leave.

[beastiegirrl101]

I hope he doesn't get wasted at your wedding and cause a scene.

[Burnout18]

If I'm friends with him, i wouldn't say shit. If I'm friends with the wife, i wouldn't say shit. If i was friends with the hooker, i'd make sure she got her money.

Seriously though, i wouldn't say shit.

[JimmyTheScumbag]

you should blackmail this guy.
200 bones or you tell his wife.

Make sure you hang on to $40 of it. The next time this happens you can throw $40 at the skank and get in on some dp action.

[Documad]

I believe that married guys shouldn't put themselves in a situation where they go to a strip club, get hammered, then wind up in a hotel with a bunch of other guys. You have to exercise the judgment up front. In fact, maybe it's never a good idea for married guys to go out in a group with other guys.


My answer to the first post is that I'd probably leave the party and vow never to speak to the guy again. I wouldn't tell the wife unless perhaps she was my sister or something.

[checkyourprez]

Well apparently one of his friends stayed in the room and started to take pictures with someone's camera so...


This is make this even funnier to me, because a friend and I have actually done this to the one buddy I thought would have done something akin to this story.

I've been thinking about this and I know this isn't especially helpful but I feel really sad for you that regardless of the outcome, all of these people (bar the hooker) are going to be at your wedding, and that they therefore will be in your wedding photos, so that whenever you look at your wedding album from now until forever you will be reminded of this.

O get of the moral high horse.

If people want to act immorally on their own time its their life, it has nothing to do with anyone but said immoral actor, and especially has nothing to do with the memories of someone else wedding day looked back on 20 years later.

[Pres Zount]

I'd tell him to get rid of the whore lest I call his wife and tell her, if he said something like "please don't!" I'd tell her even if he did get rid of her.

If it happened without me knowing I'd probably expect someone else to do it. If I found out later on that nobody has told her, I'd tell her.

I'd tell him not to come to my wedding as well. Not only is he a scumbag, but I wouldn't want the event ruining anything.

[ms.peachy]

O get of the moral high horse.

If people want to act immorally on their own time its their life, it has nothing to do with anyone but said immoral actor, and especially has nothing to do with the memories of someone else wedding day looked back on 20 years later.

It's not about me being on a 'high horse'. If you can't see how, for hpd, having someone at her wedding who is married but lost his ring to a hooker, and a bunch of other people who know about the whole situation, then maybe you're just not getting how important an event a wedding is, especially for a woman.

I was packing recently (of course) and in the course of packing was putting away my own wedding photos, which I haven't looked at in years. And looking through them I was very moved by how much of that day I remembered as though it was yesterday in doing so. There were photos of a friend there whom I later found out had had a miscarriage the day before, but no one told me because they didn't want to 'spoil' my day. So there she was putting I brave face on it all for me. Looking at her photos, I was heartbroken for her all over again. The point of me telling you this is, what this guy has done is a shitty thing for a man to do to his wife, and the memory of that will now likely be forever associated in hpd's mind with her wedding, especially when she looks at her wedding photos. I'm not saying it will ruin her life, only that it will probably, in some small way, diminish the event in a way that can't be taken back.

Some of us do take marriage seriously, you know. Not just our own but the whole idea. And it bothers us when others treat it cheaply.

[RobMoney$]

If it was me looking back at a pic of this guy in my wedding album my reaction would be
"Oh yea, there goes that dude. Remember he brought that whore back to that party and banged her in the bedroom where that other dude took pics.
How sad."
and then turn to the next page of the album.


I think you'd be giving WAY too much attention to this, HPD, if you allow this to occupy your consciousness for any more than two seconds on your day.
And really that's all of HPD's emotional investment he's worth.
She only marginally knows the guy, he's not worth worrying that much over.

[ms.peachy]

I think you're missing my point. This event has brought up feelings for her about the man she is marrying, due to his lack of intervention and the fact that this implies for her a degree of complicity, feelings which I quite understand even if you don't. And those are the feelings that will be brought back into play down the road, not her feelings about the guy who banged the prostitute. You can say "oh she shouldn't feel that way" a thousand times over if you like, but feelings have this funny way of not giving a crap what is logical. She's disappointed in her man, and having these people at her wedding is going to reinforce that, and the photographic record will ensure it sticks around. Rightly or wrongly.

[Fern]

A married man goes to a party. He gets really drunk, leaves for awhile and comes back with a prostitute. He goes into the bedroom to have sex with her. What do you do? Do you try to stop him? Do you tell his wife?

Hi-five him on the way out.... zing!

[Bob]

If it was me looking back at a pic of this guy in my wedding album my reaction would be
"Oh yea, there goes that dude. Remember he brought that whore back to that party and banged her in the bedroom where that other dude took pics.
How sad."
and then turn to the next page of the album.

well here's your solution HPD, let rob take your place at the wedding

[hpdrifter]

Well now they may or may not come, they have a "conflict" all of a sudden on Saturday afternoon. He hasn't told her but at least he is planning to go to the doctor asap.

To be honest, in a small way I feel for the guy. Don't get me wrong, I am completely, utterly disgusted by what he did. There is no question that it was wrong, horrible, and vile and there are no excuses and a million better ways he could have handled his imploding marriage. But I know for sure that he is/was madly in love with his wife and she's been distant from him and acting sort of shady for a long time. Being rejected sexually by the one you love could drive anyone crazy.

If I see him on Saturday I still plan to tell him that almost everyone knows about it. But after hearing him on the phone yesterday I don't think there's anything else I could tell him he isn't already feeling.

Also, I'm pretty sure I spelled dilemma wrong. Fuck, that's going to drive me nuts.

[Echewta]

The sudden conflict. Who hasn't used that one? Right? Am I right here?

[RobMoney$]

well here's your solution HPD, let rob take your place at the wedding


Well ya know Bob, I'm flattered.
But wouldn't it be more appropiate for a virgin to play the Bride's role?

[Bob]

Well ya know Bob, I'm flattered.
But wouldn't it be more appropiate for a virgin to play the Bride's role?

alright that was pretty good