Father / son tension

[Nuzzolese]

This is kind of serious and I'm also afraid it might be in bad taste to discuss it. But, it's THIS place so, I'm sorry, it's my only anonymous community.

I have always taken it for granted, my whole life, that I have always had a good dad. I can't imagine what life would be like without one, or with a bad father.

Someone I'm close to had to grow up with an abusive and insanely controlling father and I can't wrap my mind around how deeply and entirely this affects a person for their entire lives. Although the dad has calmed down over the years and now has a new family with new kids (whom he doesn't abuse, although he is not very kind to his stepson) and we visit him and he keeps up relationships with his two sons, I know the past never goes away. It's always there in who these kids are as grown-ups and it puts strain on their lives all the time. I can tell it will never not be a source of anxiety. I wish I could understand it more. Does anyone have any advice to offer?

[YoungRemy]

That situation with your boyfriend and his dad and all those half/step children sounds like the Dad needs some therapy.

Is dad an alcoholic?

[NoFenders]

It all depends on the person. From what I've seen, people bury these things.The Dad most likely will never acknowledge it, let alone admit it. Making the son feel even worse. As if it really was him (the son) all along that was in the wrong. The son needs to know what he expects to come out of this. Does he want closure, does he want acceptance, does he just want to be heard, does want to say fuck off? And if he doesn't get what he wants out of the attempt, how will that make him feel? When you deal with a very deep issue like this, (especially as an outsider who knows nothing of what it's like to be mistreated by your own parents (myself included)) you need to make sure you wont hurt the person even more than they already are by pushing them. But at the same token, if this is a person you care for, and they're still licking their wounds, or even worse new wounds show up, then help them realise they don't need to just take it. A lot of people always feel their parents are a threat, and the parents who enjoy knowing that, need to be put in their place.

God I hate bad parents.

[hpdrifter]

Do you want advice for yourself or for the friend?

For yourself I'd say the only thing you can do is be supportive and listen. Be there for him when he needs to talk about it. Sometimes he'll be upset about it and you'll know it but he won't want to talk. Don't underestimate the value of a silent hand on the shoulder or something.

For him I'd say he should probably get to a counselor. He's never going to get what he needs from his dad and it's important he find some closure so he can move on.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

I am a person that has dealt with a Father similar to what you described, except obviously it is Father/Daughter.

You are right. Even if the Father changes a bit, and isn't as awful anymore, the past will always hurt, always, because we are their flesh and blood and they treated us terribly. It can make a person question their self-worth.

As far as your role in relations with the person, the best thing you can do is to simply be supportive. When the pain of a terrible relationship with parents boils up it aches and burns. If they need to talk about it, let them. Listen. Comfort. Having a strong foundation of friends and someone who loves them is really important to such a person since they didn't get that strong foundation from a parental figure.

That's really all I can suggest. The rest of it needs to be aided by the person themselves, most likely though therapy.

[mickill]

It does affect you for the rest of your life. Especially if the abusive parent is still in the picture. And if the abuse was mainly an issue of control, it really doesn't just go away.

At various times throughout my life, I've had to try and convey to people just how oppressive, tyrannical, and abusive my dad was when I was growing up, but most people just don't get why I "allowed" him to control me to that degree. It's not easily understood if you've never experienced it. You have to imagine actually growing up in that kind of environment, factoring in the abusive figure for all of those pivotal and defining moments that actually allow a person to grow and move into the next stages of maturing. There's always a hurdle where there shouldn't be one.

In my late teens and early twenties I started realizing that I was showing symptoms of this same behavior, even though I had spent most of my life trying to be nothing like my dad. And for the most part, I never really have been anything like him. I'm aware that I've inherited a few of his worst traits. But I'm also able to control it, for the most part. As a father, I barely even raise my voice when disciplining my own kids. And my 4 year old daughter enjoys freedom to explore interests and cultivate friendships in a way that I couldn't well into my teens.

I'm at once ashamed and proud to say that I tend to reserve the "abusive" side of my personality for the person who I inherited it from. Even though my relationship with him isn't too bad these days, if conflict arises between my dad and myself, I usually leave him feeling pretty hurt. Not to say that I feel good about it, especially since he's nearing 60 and doesn't have any real influence on anything in my life anymore. But those same control issues are still quite prevalent in my relationship with him.

There isn't a lot you can do for this person. You could be understanding and forgiving, but you can't and shouldn't cater to their behavior. Other than some generous breathing space, I don't think that any real special treatment should be required or expected by them. If the abusive tendencies have been or are becoming an issue in your relationship with this person, they probably do need to seek some counseling. And you should advise them to. If they don't want to, you probably need to consider whether or not you're capable of or willing to endure it.

[funk63]

You're a guy?

[Nuzzolese]

It does
In my late teens and early twenties I started realizing that I was showing symptoms of this same behavior, even though I had spent most of my life trying to be nothing like my dad.

Sometimes my mind jumps wildly to the oversimplified solution that things would just be easier if he stopped trying to have a relationship with his dad at all. I mean, he causes him so much annoyance and anxiety and even pain and anger at times. So, like any draining influence on your life, cut it off!

But of course, it's his father, that fact never goes away. I understand he doesn't want to do that; that a part of him still wants to make his dad proud, and still wants to be proud of being his dad's son (even though he's simultaneously proud of how he isn't like his dad.)

Do you think that keeping up relations with an abusive parent, as you are an adult, helps you to continue to deal with the past and put it in perspective and avoid falling into behavior like theirs?

Perhaps it doesn't even qualify as a comparison, but the closest I can think of relating to it is how I find certain qualities of my mother's personality to be rude and annoying. But if I keep seeing her, I'm reminded of how it feels to be on the receiving end of that behavior and it reminds me to avoid exhibiting it myself.

[b i o n i c]

it really sucks when you catch yourself being something that you always disliked, such as something that annoyed you about your parents. in the case of father son tension, it becomes easier to identify if the timbre of your own voice is similar to your parent of the same gender.. sometimes you hear yourself and have those (!) moments

[hpdrifter]

It may be easier on him if he stopped seeing his dad altogether or it may not. Either way, it's his decision. All you can do is be there for whatever eventuality may emerge from the interactions.

[camo]

I'm that person two. Except I had two utterly shite fathers.

The best thing is to always let them know/reassure them that it wasn't their fault. Simple advice but hard to constantly administer.

[Nuzzolese]

I always find myself putting my foot in my mouth, being such an ignorant asshole because it doesn't occur to me strongly enough that someone might have had a different sort of life than I did.


Yesterday we were biking and he took me on a tour of his childhood, so to speak, showing me his grade school and all his old friends' houses. I found myself joking and talking about being a kid, trying to relate, only to trip over my words so often when I would realize that he didn't have that kind of carefree happiness that I had. Eventually I just kept to his stories and didn't try to ask more complicated questions.

And my idiot family is the same way!Example: at Christmas he had about 3 different Christmases to go to, because of his mom's family, his dad's family, and mine. My jerk mom was like "wow, lucky you, all those parties!" When the truth is that he would consider himself lucky to have always had one family and one Christmas each year. Once my dad expressed that it was "weird" that this guy didn't have a happy childhood. I feel like I was so sheltered as a child that now I feel guilty about it.

[b i o n i c]

i used to date a girl with serious father / daughter issues. i had a pretty great childhood too, so you could say that till i learned not to, i had perpetual foot in mouth disease. i couldnt say anything really about my childhood, because most of it was good and fun and hers wasnt, so anytime i just told a story it could be taken badly. she was really sensitive, so yeah

[Nuzzolese]

He doesn't want to ever get married or have children. He doesn't have any kind of positive view of those choices. I'm kind of sad about that because I think that if I ever did want those things, I would want them with him. Oh well.

[hpdrifter]

Yikes.

The ultimate impasse.

[Nuzzolese]

Maybe "he's just not that into" me!

[hpdrifter]

How long have you been dating?

It really sucks when your partner's demons affect the goals you have for your own life. Really really sucks.

[ms.peachy]

Get him this book. (http://www.amazon.co.uk/Parents-Overcoming-Hurtful-Legacy-Reclaiming/dp/0553814826) Seriously. Order it today.