Hey Ms. Peachy

[Nuzzolese]

Hi! How are you? What's China like? Do you like where you're living? How's the baby? What's going on? Do you miss England?

[ms.peachy]

Hey, thanks for asking. It's been... interesting. I can't honestly say I'm loving it here. In fact, many days, quite the opposite. Now, I know that most of that is just settling-in awkwardness, and some if it is just my particular circumstances and that these will all improve with time, but right now actually it is rather difficult much of the time. Here's the deal: my husband actually left for China in early Feb, my daughter and I joined him here at the end of April. So I was single-parenting for 3 months, and that was (as any truly single parent knows) difficult. BUT, I had a support network in London, she was in day care most days for a few hours, I managed.

Now though in China, we are not really back together as a family, because my husband is still working on a project in a city called Tianjin, which is about a 2 hour plane ride away, so he is only home every other weekend. It will be this way until the end of July. And I have not been able to find day care as yet for my daughter, as all of the ones nearby have at least a 2 month waiting list. And of course I don't have a network of friends as yet (starting to though) wherein I can call someone and say, "can you watch M for a few hours whilst I go get groceries/get a haircut/sit quietly and stare into space/whatever?" So she and I are stuck together 24/7, and love her to bits as I do, it's a bit of what you might call a pain in the ass. Plus also I am still working, as my job is internet based; so once she finally goes to bed, hey guess what, I get to go to work for few hours! I feel completely exhausted much of the time.

Also I feel I am not getting to see much of the city, as wherever we go and whatever we do, we have to do it at the pace of a 3 year old. I can't look up and look around at my surroundings, I have to be focused on what she is doing and making sure she isn't picking up something filthy off of the ground, or about to be run over (as apparently is is completely acceptable to ride your motorbike down the sidewalk here through crowds of pedestrians, so long as you are leaning on your horn the entire time). And I spend an awful lot of time doing bureaucratic bullshit - taking this piece of paper to that office to be stamped by that official to be taken to another office to be filed by another official etc etc. It's pretty insane, the amount of paper shuffling that goes on here. Because it's all about making jobs for people: why have one person do a job from start to finish, when you can have eight people all doing parts of it?

All that said, there are nice things, and little unexpected pleasures. I try each day to write in my little notebook one nice thing that happened or that I saw that day, so when I am having one of my "I hate this fucking place!" moments I can look at it and chill out a bit. For example in the evenings I can sit on my patio and watch the bats dipping and diving around the treetops. There's a nice lady at the fruit and veg market around the corner who always makes me laugh and gives me fistfuls of coriander, scallions, garlic, ginger and chillies, for free. There is good, tasty food available everywhere, cheaply. Outside the clubhouse in my compound, a group of middle aged Chinese ladies gather to practice their fan dancing a few nights a week. There are always people flying kites at the little park across the road from us along the river; at night the fly ones with little lcd lights that look like UFOs.

So, slowly but surely, things will get better. I have 'domestic help' starting next week, so I will have a bit more time to myself. Hopefully a daycare slot will open up soon. Eventually my husband will be back in Shanghai full time. Someday I will have the time to focus on learning some language, so I can communicate at least a little bit with people on their terms, and not always feel like the big crazy pantomiming foreign lady. But yeah, in the meantime, there are definitely days where I think, I could just pack my suitcase and be at the airport in under an hour. Get. Me. the Fuck. Out of here.

As I tell my husband, "I know someday I will be able to say to myself, this place is really great - but I can assure you, today is not that day. Don't get your hopes up for tomorrow, either." But, this too shall pass. I know right now it's just the circumstances and the resulting isolation, and I am starting to make friends. So I'll hang in there :cool:

[Nuzzolese]

Gosh, that sounds miserable! I'm so sorry! But I'm amazed at your optimism and will to stay positive (writing in the journal.) You're a trooper. I hope you get into a day care very soon, though. What exactly is a compound? Is it like a gated suburban neighborhood? Doesn't your husband ever get to take vacations?

[Praying Mantis]

Mrs. P.....

I don't remember..is this a long term situation? Does your husband realize how difficult this transition has been for you?

[Nuzzolese]

This, to me, is a wonderful marriage; sacrifice for one another.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

Ms. Peachy is wife of the year.

[yeahwho]

I want one of those little lcd lights. Sounds like culture shock and also a degree of isolation. I like your attitude and ability to look at the good things while you enjoy your stay. Perhaps this is a chance of a lifetime for your daughter and yourself, lots of time together with discovery of a new language and way of life.



Do you ever see any big American made cars? Can you read the US papers online and do you still facebook, twitter youtube, hulu and what have you?

[HEIRESS]

I don't know if I could do it. I commend you Mrs. P. truly.

my future husband is asking me to sacrifice my current life and move somewhere with him once his masters program is done.

I am having a hard time even considering it because I have spent the last 5 years here alone, while he was off doing all his undergrad/post graduate studies thousands of miles away. Just up and leaving where I've set my roots/paid my dues just isn't appealing in the least to me. I feel I'm being punished for having finished school early and starting an excellent career and worked my way up to management at a ridiculously young age.

I'm not trying to be selfish but I have an excellent job that pays well and am living where all my immediate family also lives and I am blissfully happy aside from the fact that i only see my significant other every 2-3 months and that I have yet to buy a home/puppy because I am in constant limbo in regards to whether or not the person I love and want to spend my life with is also willing to settle here and happily so at that.

fucking life.

[ms.peachy]

Gosh, that sounds miserable! I'm so sorry! But I'm amazed at your optimism and will to stay positive (writing in the journal.) You're a trooper. I hope you get into a day care very soon, though. What exactly is a compound? Is it like a gated suburban neighborhood? Doesn't your husband ever get to take vacations?

Well you know. It is important to keep perspective. In terms of the human condition, I dare say that I have what can be called "high class worries". It boils down to 'oh, woe is me, I have no one to drink wine with and I have to spend all day with my own child' really - no one is shooting at me, I have a (rather nice) roof over my head, my child will not go to bed tonight with an empty belly, i don't have to choose between paying the rent or buying a desperately needed prescription medication, etc. Some people have real problems, right? So I can have a little bitch about things, but in the end I can tell myself "OK that's enough, time to shut the fuck up already."

The 'compound' is like a suburban gated community, except that it is not in the suburbs. Basically all housing around here, with few exceptions, is like this. They vary in terms of amenities - many of the 'local Chinese' compounds are very very basic, but rang up to super-luxurious "full service" villas that cater to the very wealthy (mainly foreigners). Our is kind of in the middle. There's about 50/50 mix of expats and Chinese, mainly all middle/professional class types. It's great for my kid - there are like 4 different playgrounds, two pools, a kiddie water play area, and about a million other kids.

Someday yes, my husband will get to take a vacation! But right now it is important for him to be where he is, doing what he is doing. He is new with this company after all, he is still proving himself, you know?

[ms.peachy]

Mrs. P.....

I don't remember..is this a long term situation? Does your husband realize how difficult this transition has been for you?

At least two years, then will evaluate things and see what seems the best course of action.

He is aware, and he is not unsympathetic. It is not so nice for him to be apart from us as well; he does miss us. For him though so far this experience is overall very positive - he is doing a job he enjoys, getting recognition, meeting and working with a wide variety of people from different backgrounds. Professionally, I think he is the happiest he has ever been. And I don't begrudge him that. I know he feels badly that I am unhappy, but in the long term it is better for us all that he succeed in this position. As I (basically) said in my last post, I might moan a bit now and again about how it sucks to me be, but then I have to just get over myself and suck it up, soldier.

[Lex Diamonds]

I would kill to move to China for a few years. Nobody likes being alone in a new place but the opportunity you've got is amazing, make the most of it and keep writing in that notebook cuz you've got nothing to complain about.

[ms.peachy]

Do you ever see any big American made cars? Can you read the US papers online and do you still facebook, twitter youtube, hulu and what have you?

Big cars are everywhere. Well, not as everywhere as in the US, but pretty much everywhere. They are not hard to find. There is a lot of money in this town. The whole place has a real "Vegas meets Blade Runner" feeling about it, which is hard to explain, you'll have to trust me on that one.

I can generally read US and UK papers online, except when I can't. Occasionally sites just can't be accessed. Apparently Something Happened Somewhere in Beijing 20 years ago last week so over the past few weeks there's been a lot of 'random' outages. When watching CNN last week for example, i was watching a piece on that French airline crash, and then the anchor "...and now we'll go to our correspondent in Beijing; it was of course 20-" and then the screen went all wonky. Then suddenly it was fine again four minutes later. Hmmmm, wonder what I missed.

Facebook is no problem; twitter is randomly jammed; youtube is permanently blocked; I don't know what a hulu is.

[Nuzzolese]

No youtube?!
Have there been any striking aspects of the culture or the law there that you have found particularly hard to get used to, or that really caught you by surprise when you found yourself facing it?

[ms.peachy]

fucking life.

No doubt about it H, you are in a tough spot. The only advice I can give you is to say, just because you love the place you are, doesn't mean you can't love another place. We weren't looking to leave London when this job offer came up, and I really loved our life there, so I found myself using it as sort of a mantra; "just because you love living in London, doesn't mean you won't love living in Shanghai." Ok well, so, for me this isn't working out quite so well yet LOL but I know I have to give it a bit more time. So maybe you and your affianced need to have a conversation about, if you do go to another city, maybe there is some agreement that if you are not both reasonably happy in, say, 3 years, you both have to be open to looking to make another move. Not necessarily back from whence you came (although, you know, maybe). Just that it can't always be one person making the big sacrifices. That's just a thought though, you guys will work out what is best for you, ultimately.

[ms.peachy]

No youtube?!
Have there been any striking aspects of the culture or the law there that you have found particularly hard to get used to, or that really caught you by surprise when you found yourself facing it?

Well the constant spitting all the time everywhere is something I don't think I'll ever really get used to, nor do I think I really want to.

Also: there are many unpleasant smells here.

[ms.peachy]

I would kill to move to China for a few years. Nobody likes being alone in a new place but the opportunity you've got is amazing, make the most of it and keep writing in that notebook cuz you've got nothing to complain about.

This is true of course, but realise that for me, right now, it does not so much feel like an opportunity, more like a benign trap. In many ways, I could be anywhere, you see, because I spend the majority of my time focussed on keeping my child occupied and almost all remaining time on my job. In other words, I have little means of taking advantage of the opportunity. I do try to get out with my kiddo and go do 'cultural', sightseeing things, but unless you have ever had the experience of trying to manage a day out with a headstrong toddler who is only semi-potty trained and has very specific and yet ever shifting demands as to what she will or will not eat and when or if she will or will not take a nap, I don't know that I can accurately describe for you how much of a challenge that can be.

Tomorrow we will go to the aquarium though; it is within walking distance and it has lots of pretty fish, so that should be good...

[hpdrifter]

When I visited Shanghai the thing that stuck out the most to me was the pollution. Even on a sunny day it was still completely hazy. It was really obvious when looking out from the Bund at that thing that looks like a cock and balls. The Pearl Tower is it?

[ms.peachy]

When I visited Shanghai the thing that stuck out the most to me was the pollution. Even on a sunny day it was still completely hazy. It was really obvious when looking out from the Bund at that thing that looks like a cock and balls. The Pearl Tower is it?

Ha yeah, the Pearl Tower it is. That's next to the aquarium.

It is not always hazy. We have had quite a lot of clear, bright blue sky days since I have been here. Varies seasonally, I am told. And believe it or not, although definitely pollution is an issue here, that haze is not by and large caused by pollution - it's high warm air currents coming down from across the desert, meeting with the cooler air coming in off the ocean. The air quality, whilst definitely having room for improvement, is not actually as bad as you'd think from looking at it; some of what you see is actually just desert dust. Apparently Beijing is rather worse for pollution, as it does not all get blown out to sea like it does here (eventually).

[hpdrifter]

Well that's good to know.

All in all I loved Shanghai, but I was on vacation and only there for a short time.

[Nuzzolese]

Will your daughter learn Chinese in school or will she go to English speaking schools?

[MC Moot]

Jersey,London,Shanghai...Peachy, I think your daughter may develop the most interesting accent...:)

[ms.peachy]

Will your daughter learn Chinese in school or will she go to English speaking schools?

Depends how long we are here. The kindergarten she will hopefully soon be starting is bilingual, and is about 70% Chinese kids and 30% expat kids. She can go there up until she's 6. If we are staying here longer than that, we will probably want her to go to an international school, but they are expensive. Local schools - well, let's say that the Chinese method of instruction is not really about encouraging critical thinking and open-ended exploration. It's all about rote memorisation and conforming to the group. There is a lot of pressure to succeed academically from a very young age here, and also it is considered quite acceptable for a teacher to berate a child in front of the class for not knowing something, and even to invite the class to join in. That kind of attitude in education is slowly changing, but very very few expats send their kids to local schools, not because they aren't good academically but because they're pretty mind-warping socially.

[Fern]

Have you seen any black people there??? Seriously?

[TurdBerglar]

they're all at the kung fu cinemas

[mickill]

Let me start by saying that I love my wife to death. She's also proven her willingness to support me in any way I've needed time and again, but I really couldn't see her making some of the kinds of sacrifices you have been willing to make for your husband (and moreover, your family), for as long as you have been making them. I couldn't see myself doing so either. Not easily, anyway.

Over the last few years, I've had the opportunity to read about some of the hardships and challenges you've had to endure in your life. And you've had more than your fair share. I honestly think it's admirable what you do; the level of support you offer your loved ones, the care you provide to ailing family members, the concerns you have as a parent, your obvious selflessness. Your presence in the lives of the people around you is more than likely appreciated, but I think it has to be immense.

Being that I'm surrounded by some of the most self-absorbed human beings one could imagine, and that my children can barely count on their perfectly healthy and relatively nearby aunt, uncle and two of their four grandparents for anything more than the obligatory triannual visits, I think it'd be really nice if there were more people like you around.

Hope things get a lot easier very soon.

[ms.peachy]

I don't know what to say, mickill, that is all very kind what you have written. I am honored. Honestly though I really just feel like, I play the cards as they are dealt to me; don't anyone go polishing up a halo for me. There are tons and tons of people in the world who have had to make much harder choices and make much bigger sacrifices, for far fewer rewards. But thank you, that was very nice to read and I appreciate it.

Fern - yes, but not many. Like maybe 25 since I've been here.

[Lex Diamonds]

Big cars are everywhere. Well, not as everywhere as in the US, but pretty much everywhere. They are not hard to find. There is a lot of money in this town. The whole place has a real "Vegas meets Blade Runner" feeling about it, which is hard to explain, you'll have to trust me on that one.

I can generally read US and UK papers online, except when I can't. Occasionally sites just can't be accessed. Apparently Something Happened Somewhere in Beijing 20 years ago last week so over the past few weeks there's been a lot of 'random' outages. When watching CNN last week for example, i was watching a piece on that French airline crash, and then the anchor "...and now we'll go to our correspondent in Beijing; it was of course 20-" and then the screen went all wonky. Then suddenly it was fine again four minutes later. Hmmmm, wonder what I missed.

Facebook is no problem; twitter is randomly jammed; youtube is permanently blocked; I don't know what a hulu is.
I don't want this site to get blocked but T N A Men Square. All images of the dude are blocked on Google if you're in China and they do their best to cover up any other mention of it. It's kinda frightening that they succeed in covering it up like that. I'm surprised you weren't aware?

EDIT: Oh wait, you were. Hard to get irony on teh intarnetz

[Lex Diamonds]

From Wikipedia:

Currently, due to strong Chinese government censorship including Internet censorship, the news media is forbidden to report anything related to the protests. Websites related to the protest are blocked on the mainland. A search for T Square protest information on the Internet in Mainland China largely returns no results, apart from the government-mandated version of the events and the official view, which are mostly found on Websites of People's Daily and other heavily-controlled media.

[Schmeltz]

Also from Wikipedia:


Irony (from the Ancient Greek εἰρωνεία eirōneía, meaning hypocrisy, deception, or feigned ignorance) is a literary or rhetorical device, in which there is an incongruity or discordance between what one says or does and what one means or what is generally understood. Irony is a mode of expression that calls attention to the character's knowledge and that of the audience.

[Lex Diamonds]

Also from Wikipedia:

In late April 2009, Internet access to English-language media on the events at Tiananmen, including video, news reports and Wikipedia, was uncensored in mainland China for the first time. Articles were still mostly censored on the Chinese version of Google, though some videos were viewable. Additionally, filming in Tiananmen Square on the 20th anniversary of the 1989 protests has been discouraged by plain clothes police officers wielding umbrellas and stepping in front of the cameras of journalists near the square.

So this whole thing was one big wild goose chase. Boy do I feel stoopid! LOL

[ms.peachy]

Yeah, it was, ah, completely uncensored. Except for the censored bits. But other than that, you know, totally uncensored. Mostly. Sort of.