realizing you're kind of a dick

[cosmo105]

lately i've been hurting some friends' and acquaintances' feelings without even knowing it, and it's come around to bite me in the ass. i never had any idea about most of it (although to be fair i had been kind of a dick, talking smack about in particular i genuinely don't like but i sort of have to at least be nice to for the time being or until my friend dumps her, sigh, but i'm not the only one. anyway). i came to realize that i am pretty damned mean at times, making fun where i shouldn't and saying things that are maybe a little too honest when i think people know i'm saying it out of a friendly place.

i never thought about it, but i'm genuine and brutally honest with people with whom i feel close, to a fault, and with people i don't feel all that comfortable with yet, i'm nice and sweet and careful about what i say. and not everyone gets that.

also, i need to work on not saying things within earshot of the people concerned. oops.

anyway, the point here is i need to work on being a nicer me. this is mostly toward people i truly do like, and don't want to alienate. anyone else have similar experiences?

[b i o n i c]

for me this leads to saying sorry a lot, which can be annoying too. or just not talking to certain people which can also be dickish. or overexplaining yourself when something concise would do which can come off dickey, or grandiose or something

i cant win

in short, yes.

[Dorothy Wood]

I'm a dick, but I hang out with dicks, so it's really not that bad.

I have been trying to be a nicer person in the last year though. because it really serves no purpose to be complaining about other people or things all the time.

I mostly use my dickishness to make people laugh.

[Nuzzolese]

anyone else have similar experiences?

Oh yes. But I didn't solve it, I just lost their friendship.

Two of my best friends started to change their behavior a little - one started to spend all her time with her boyfriend and it upset me. Once she missed my birthday because she was at the birthday party for her boyfriend's best friend. She came over later that night but it was too late to mean anything to me. The other girl just started to get stressed out about her life in general and didn't come to talk to me about it. It was like she shut me out.

I should have talked to both of them and been honest and open. I should have told the first girl she was hurting my feelings and abandoning me, I should have pressed the second girl to tell me what was wrong in her life and ask how I could help.

Instead I was all passive-aggressive and angry and hurt. I made things worse by acting that way. I may have been slightly aware of my behavior at the time, but I was too blinded by thinking that it was all their fault for changing, and hoping things would eventually go back to normal.

Also, it's possible that they started drifting away from me for other reasons before I even started to notice it and before I started to act hurt and angry. I guess I'll never know about that.

The second girl wrote me a letter after we'd stopped talking and it explained how she thought I was selfish, and that I should have asked her what was wrong and then she could have explained herself but instead I just got pouty and gave up on her. She was saying how a best friend isn't supposed to just drop you when your life gets too complicated to be all about having fun. True.

They lived together as roomates for the whole time I knew them, so maybe I was always the odd one out. I didn't always hang out with them together either. I thought I had two very distinct friendships. But I guess living together, they probably talked about me and together agreed I was no good. That would have strengthened their bond I'm sure.

I know I screwed up and ruined it. Oh well. I don't think I could ever have a close female friendship again after them. It's still too painful and too scary to think I could screw it up again.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

Although I agree that with the second friend yes, maybe you should have been more patient and asked about what was going on, the first one sounds like a legitimate kind of thing.

Once she missed my birthday because she was at the birthday party for her boyfriend's best friend.

I'd understand she wants to make both, but your own good friends should come first. If anything she should have gone to your birthday first, then the bf's best friend's birthday AFTER. That one does rub me the wrong way a bit.

People do need to be better about balancing boyfriend/friends time, or make an effort to combine them and still be around.

[saz]

lately i've been hurting some friends' and acquaintances' feelings without even knowing it, and it's come around to bite me in the ass. i never had any idea about most of it (although to be fair i had been kind of a dick, talking smack about in particular i genuinely don't like but i sort of have to at least be nice to for the time being or until my friend dumps her, sigh, but i'm not the only one. anyway). i came to realize that i am pretty damned mean at times, making fun where i shouldn't and saying things that are maybe a little too honest when i think people know i'm saying it out of a friendly place.

i never thought about it, but i'm genuine and brutally honest with people with whom i feel close, to a fault, and with people i don't feel all that comfortable with yet, i'm nice and sweet and careful about what i say. and not everyone gets that.

also, i need to work on not saying things within earshot of the people concerned. oops.

anyway, the point here is i need to work on being a nicer me. this is mostly toward people i truly do like, and don't want to alienate. anyone else have similar experiences?

it's good that you can admit it.

[Nuzzolese]

Although I agree that with the second friend yes, maybe you should have been more patient and asked about what was going on, the first one sounds like a legitimate kind of thing.



I'd understand she wants to make both, but your own good friends should come first. If anything she should have gone to your birthday first, then the bf's best friend's birthday AFTER. That one does rub me the wrong way a bit.

People do need to be better about balancing boyfriend/friends time, or make an effort to combine them and still be around.

It is hard, though. Sometimes, no matter who you choose, someone is going to get hurt.

I think it hurt me most because the party she went to was a real party with lots of people. For my birthday I hadn't wanted a real party, I just wanted to hang out with my friends. So without her, it was like nothing at all. I got so upset that I told the other three people to just forget it.

I totally should have tried to make her feel guilty. She never seemed to have to apologize because she never seemed to do anything wrong. If you ever heard her apologize, you would instinctively refuse to let her get upset because you just felt sweetness rolling off of her in waves that would violently drown any animosity or blame.

[kaiser soze]

I used to be the king dick in my circle of friends......huh, where did they all go?

Anyways, it's weird though because I was also the most guarded, cautious, and protective of my friends. Sorta like the timid bulldog. They knew I had their backs, but if they pissed me off it was hellfire. I also have noticed since....they have become the dicks while I've mellowed and for the most part keep to myself and my family.

Even though I was the dick, some of them were shady as fuck and for some odd reason the shit they pulled in comparison to me wearing my emotions on my sleeve never added up.

[Echewta]

I'm just a dick to cosmo105. No, its true.

[Dorothy Wood]

It is hard, though. Sometimes, no matter who you choose, someone is going to get hurt.

I think it hurt me most because the party she went to was a real party with lots of people. For my birthday I hadn't wanted a real party, I just wanted to hang out with my friends. So without her, it was like nothing at all. I got so upset that I told the other three people to just forget it.

I totally should have tried to make her feel guilty. She never seemed to have to apologize because she never seemed to do anything wrong. If you ever heard her apologize, you would instinctively refuse to let her get upset because you just felt sweetness rolling off of her in waves that would violently drown any animosity or blame.


you probably should've or could've told her you really wanted her to be at your party. I feel like women do this thing where they don't voice what they want and assume the other person should just know already.

and then they don't know, or they don't think it's that big of a deal and then there's a fight. I'm guilty of this with cort sometimes. I usually end up telling her I'm mad though.

[monkey]

gossip always makes people dicks. don't say anything about a person behind their back that you wouldn't say to their face, and you'll have much less of a problem. regardless of how close you may or may not be to them.

now if your friends can't take your way of saying things, then there's a communication problem. either figure out why you're coming off as the dick or why they're so sensitive to the comments in the first place. not everyone interprets things in the same way and sometimes you have to consider the friend's point of view.

--

by the way, i say lots and lots of mean shit to my friends sometimes. and sometimes, i've seriously put my foot in my mouth and said some insanely hurtful shit to my closest friends. but they've been straight enough with me to tell me when i've crossed the line, and we've been able to discuss about how i say things vs how they interpret what ive said, and how sometimes i don't realize the weight behind certain extreme statements i've made. those conversations help. i feel like i know my friends even better now because of them.

[ET]

I've found that I have little/no filter on most of what I say these days. I think I got defriended on facebook because of it. Then I saw this person out on the town and eye contact was avoided on their part.

The strange thing is that I'm pretty unfiltered with people who's opinions I don't really care about. If anyone can get past my initial abrasiveness, then they're probably going to be good friends with me. Oddly enough, it's the people who's opinions I care about that I tread more lightly with.

[ToucanSpam]

It used to shock me how god awful certain people treat others on this message board, but then I realized that this place is a virtually consequence free environment. You can tear into someone on this board and say the nastiest, most putrid things and not give it a second thought. But never mind what it says about the internet, or the disconnection from society, what does it say about you? Does that mean spirited person exist outside of the internets?

I readily admit that there have been times where I was pretty awful to certain individuals here. At the time I felt like I did it to defend myself. But it wasn't about defending myself; it was about lashing out, releasing anger on someone undeserving and not having to think twice about what I had said. When I noticed that behavior I noticed that it also existed, to a much lesser degree, in real life. Did people disappear from my life because of it? Almost certainly. It's a real wake up call when it happens. There*are* consequences to everything to say everywhere you communicate. You might not see them but they are there.

Sometimes you can make up for those mistakes. Most of the time you can't and you have to live with the consequences.

[Dorothy Wood]

shut up toucan

[ToucanSpam]

No.

[Randetica]

It used to shock me how god awful certain people treat others on this message board, but then I realized that this place is a virtually consequence free environment. You can tear into someone on this board and say the nastiest, most putrid things and not give it a second thought. But never mind what it says about the internet, or the disconnection from society, what does it say about you? Does that mean spirited person exist outside of the internets?

I readily admit that there have been times where I was pretty awful to certain individuals here. At the time I felt like I did it to defend myself. But it wasn't about defending myself; it was about lashing out, releasing anger on someone undeserving and not having to think twice about what I had said. When I noticed that behavior I noticed that it also existed, to a much lesser degree, in real life. Did people disappear from my life because of it? Almost certainly. It's a real wake up call when it happens. There*are* consequences to everything to say everywhere you communicate. You might not see them but they are there.

Sometimes you can make up for those mistakes. Most of the time you can't and you have to live with the consequences.

dont let padster see this

[RobMoney$]

I realize it, and I celebrate it.

[ms.peachy]

I realize it, and I celebrate it.

LOL, I think that will come as shocking news to no one.

[skra75]

cosmo - it seems you and I are exactly the same in this regard. I never intend to be a dick, but it ends up that way. The assholes around me push me, or fail to see the obvious which frustrates me to all hell. I find myself hopelessly in awkward situations, covering my bare-ass, apologizing. Then, I feel like a pussy for apologizing, which makes me feel worse, thus repeating the cycle of being a Dick.

I have no advice as I have been struggling with this for years. eventually you'll find someone who can tolerate this social flaw or someone finds it perversely attractive.

[The Notorious LOL]

I think its funny that a lot of the replies are people swelling with pride over how they too are dicks like its some kind of badge of honor.

[Knuckles]

I'm nice.

Sometimes too nice.

[Adam]

There are three types of people: Dicks, Assholes and Pussys... you all know the rest

...

I've been wanting to reply to this thread since seeing it with that and today I am finally bored enough, but I honestly didn't want to be the first... but meh.

[ToucanSpam]

I think its funny that a lot of the replies are people swelling with pride over how they too are dicks like its some kind of badge of honor.

It's funny but definitely not surprising. Hollywood has made being a dick and a misanthrope very popular. It's "cool" to be an asshole, especially an asshole who wants to ruin everything they possibly can for the people around them.

[Adam]

especially an asshole who wants to ruin everything they possibly can for the people around them.

cus they like to shit all over everything?

I'm still bored

[A. Chimendez]

I mostly use my dickishness to make people laugh.


Same here. The brutally honest thing will always work against you I have found. Sometimes people just don't wanna hear it.

[Dorothy Wood]

I think its funny that a lot of the replies are people swelling with pride over how they too are dicks like its some kind of badge of honor.


that's a dick thing to say

[DipDipDive]

I'm a dick, but I've eased up on it quite a bit recently because I realized it makes other dicks attracted to me and sitting around being a jerk all the time gets really tiring really fast. I'm certainly still judgmental, but not the pessimist I once was. I used to be the kind of dick who would assume people, situations, certain activities, etc. sucked before I gave them a chance. Now I'm the kind of dick who is open and willing to try new things and meet new people, but will not hesitate to provide a scathing review, sometimes to an individual's face if I see fit.

I will admit that I have difficulty determining when my honesty is constructive vs. keeping my mouth shut when expression of my opinion is unnecessary and nothing but negative word vomit. I've improved over the years but still saddle up the high horse more often than I should. It's not beneficial to anyone in my life, least of all me.

There is a fine line between being opinionated and critical, between being honest and being mean-spirited. The exact width of that line is usually determined by those around you. You shouldn't change who you are to appease them, but it is definitely important to take the feelings of those you care about into consideration.

[RobMoney$]

Not that I've ever had too much of a problem with you, NLOL,
but I'm pretty sure if we were putting people from this board on either the "dick" list, or the "not dick" list....you'd be on the "dick" list.

at least I know I'm a dick.

[The Notorious LOL]

ok.

[TurdBerglar]

what a dick!

[Dorothy Wood]

hey, I heard there were some dicks in here. anybody wanna make out?

[Bob]

i swell with pride, if you know what i mean ;) ;) ;) ;)

[hpdrifter]

I'm a dick, but I've eased up on it quite a bit recently because I realized it makes other dicks attracted to me and sitting around being a jerk all the time gets really tiring really fast. I'm certainly still judgmental, but not the pessimist I once was. I used to be the kind of dick who would assume people, situations, certain activities, etc. sucked before I gave them a chance. Now I'm the kind of dick who is open and willing to try new things and meet new people, but will not hesitate to provide a scathing review, sometimes to an individual's face if I see fit.

I will admit that I have difficulty determining when my honesty is constructive vs. keeping my mouth shut when expression of my opinion is unnecessary and nothing but negative word vomit. I've improved over the years but still saddle up the high horse more often than I should. It's not beneficial to anyone in my life, least of all me.

There is a fine line between being opinionated and critical, between being honest and being mean-spirited. The exact width of that line is usually determined by those around you. You shouldn't change who you are to appease them, but it is definitely important to take the feelings of those you care about into consideration.

I think this is really the crux of the issue. I think most of the dick-being mentioned here has to do with judgement, cynicism and insecurity and not with being "honest".

[mickill]

Pretty much everybody is a dick of some sort. Some of us are real big ones and others are like those little ones that female bodybuilders develop sometimes.

[Nuzzolese]

I will admit that I have difficulty determining when my honesty is constructive vs. keeping my mouth shut when expression of my opinion is unnecessary and nothing but negative word vomit. I've improved over the years but still saddle up the high horse more often than I should. It's not beneficial to anyone in my life, least of all me.

There is a fine line between being opinionated and critical, between being honest and being mean-spirited. The exact width of that line is usually determined by those around you. You shouldn't change who you are to appease them, but it is definitely important to take the feelings of those you care about into consideration.

It's all part of growing up. You said it all so eloquently and with intelligence.


But why do people love dicks so much? I saw something on TV last night about radio "shock jocks" and how they become famous and popular for saying outlandish things and for taking an extreme point of view. And people love to listen to them. So in order to keep their audience they have to keep taking their dickness up a notch until they're just spewing the most ignorant, hateful, useless, brainless junk. But people don't just listen to them to be shocked, people seem to love them for it and honestly agree with them! And it's all because they respect the person for what they assume is having the guts to admit the truth.

[skra75]

The magic irony of my situation is that I find myself actually becoming less of a dick the older I get. I somewhat expected things to be the polar opposite - with me waving my cane at the neighbors and yelling like the guy in UP haha.

Yeah but no :(