Can it get any worse?

[peterclamp]

Not only do we have the sad news about Adam Yauch this week...yesterday I find out my wife is having an affair.

Bummer. :mad::(:confused:

[RUN]

I am sorry to hear about your wife. It has happened to me before so I completely understand. It is an extremely difficult situation to go through and takes a lot of time to heal. Good Luck

[ericlee]

Fuck. Bad news. Good luck to you and whatever choice you decide to make on this.

[peterclamp]

I am sorry to hear about your wife. It has happened to me before so I completely understand. It is an extremely difficult situation to go through and takes a lot of time to heal. Good Luck

What did you do? Did you forgive her and stay together/work it out or did she leave you?

I had an idea a few weeks back something was going on, she started lying about where she would be and was staying at her friend "Christines" house once aweek. Unfortunately for her she parked her car outside of the house she was going to which just happened to be near to where a friend of mine lives so I spotted it one evening.

She has this camping trip/mountain climbing trip this weekend and during the course of my detective work I asked if she was driving, she said no she was going in a very old VW camper van, I asked her who owned it and she said Kieron -a guy who she has been "playing squash" with recently who I have not met.

I then remembered seeing an old VW camper van parked at this house she was staying at and I then knew for sure it was not "Christine" she was visiting. I confronted her with this on Thursday and she admitted everything.

Apparently its been going on for 5-6 weeks and she met him on Facebook. I kicked her out and she stayed over at her friend Lucys house (for real this time) on Thursday night.

She text me yesterday morning saying sorry, all a big mistake, can we work it out blah blah...Although I was hurt, angry and really hate her, I still love my wife and thought yes, I am not going to make any rash decisions about our future yet.

However she has still gone on this trip with him (and 2 other friends from the gym) this weekend which I think is wrong, if it were me and I truely wanted to sort things out I wouldnt go away with my lover! She says nothing is gonna happen, she just wants to do the mountain climb/walk thingy but c'mon, she could have delayed this and done it another time/with someone else.

Or am I being paranoid/unreasonable?

This is all very personal stuff, but I have never been through this before and my head is spinning...there is a broad spectrum of people on here with various experiences who also have no bias toward me, so any advice or similar experiences shared will be a great help at this moment.

Pete

[peterclamp]

Fuck. Bad news. Good luck to you and whatever choice you decide to make on this.

Thanks mate :)

[Kid Presentable]

Pete, I'd consider that fairly unforgivable behaviour, but you're going to be the one who lives with whichever decision you make. Good luck.

[gbsuey]

i have to ask....were/are you guys happy(honestly)??

[peterclamp]

i have to ask....were/are you guys happy(honestly)??

We had some problems early last year, nothing majorly serious just a plateau reached in our relationship (married 4.5 years, together 9.5).
We worked through this over the year, and this year I have really made an effort to be a great husband.

She always used to depend on me for a social life, nothing wrong with this but she never had any friends other than talking to colleagues at work and did not make any effort to get any. I encouraged her to expand her social scene (she started a new job, now goes to the gym 4 nights a week) and all was great. I have been lucky and always had a good strong set of friends, it just seems she took this all one stage further...

Maybe there was some unhappiness...thats often why affairs start. However I think affairs are very wrong, although it still would have hurt I would have rather she said the marriage is over, lets seperate/divorce THEN get it on with this new guy.

It is very out of character for her, I genuinely believe she is not that sort of person normally...she is a few years older than me and has reached menopause early so maybe her hormones are screwing her up...I just dont know??

[trailerprincess]

I don't think you're being paranoid or unreasonable. Am sorry to hear your news and best of luck with whatever happens and what you decide to do.

[gbsuey]

yeah i totally agree-affairs ARE wrong. and hormones can be total bitches-it could be that she's having a mid-life crisis. but that doesn't make it any easier for you does it? Sorry man i really feel for you-how big is forgiveness on your radar-do you think you can? Would you want to move on-also, do you have any kids??

[ms.peachy]

It is very out of character for her, I genuinely believe she is not that sort of person normally...she is a few years older than me and has reached menopause early so maybe her hormones are screwing her up...I just dont know??

This is an interesting point. Not that in any way excuses her behavior, mind, but it might explain it somewhat. If she is having an early menopause, it may be triggering all sorts of emotions and fears she has, about getting old, about being undesirable, etc. Despite how much she may truly love you, the attention of another man at this point in her life, if she feels she is about to pass into "old ladydom", might be hitting her where she is really vulnerable. In other words, she may know perfectly well that you love her "no matter what", if she is feeling she is losing her femininity, the fact that another man finds her attractive makes her feel young, vital, not like an old broad. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this well. As I said, it doesn't excuse her actions but maybe if you can both understand why this happened (not that my theory is necessarily the correct one), you can move past it together. If that is what you both really, really want.

[peterclamp]

yeah i totally agree-affairs ARE wrong. and hormones can be total bitches-it could be that she's having a mid-life crisis. but that doesn't make it any easier for you does it? Sorry man i really feel for you-how big is forgiveness on your radar-do you think you can? Would you want to move on-also, do you have any kids??

I have a stepson who is 20, he is her boy from her 1st marriage. I do not have any kids of my own.
Yesterday morning I could have considered forgiveness (although actually forgiving would take some time as all trust is gone)...its more the fact that she STILL went on this trip thats bugging me.

She is coming round on Sunday evening, I was expecting her to be saying she wants us to work it out but as she has decided to go away with him then maybe she will be saying something else.

I do believe in second chances, god I have had a few of those in life and I am not normally a hateful person but this has cut very, very deep. :mad:

[peterclamp]

This is an interesting point. Not that in any way excuses her behavior, mind, but it might explain it somewhat. If she is having an early menopause, it may be triggering all sorts of emotions and fears she has, about getting old, about being undesirable, etc. Despite how much she may truly love you, the attention of another man at this point in her life, if she feels she is about to pass into "old ladydom", might be hitting her where she is really vulnerable. In other words, she may know perfectly well that you love her "no matter what", if she is feeling she is losing her femininity, the fact that another man finds her attractive makes her feel young, vital, not like an old broad. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this well. As I said, it doesn't excuse her actions but maybe if you can both understand why this happened (not that my theory is necessarily the correct one), you can move past it together. If that is what you both really, really want.

Thankyou, that was very well put and it is good to hear a womans POV on this, I will ask her about this on Sunday. Whatever happens, whatever decision I make, I need it to be the right one for me...right now all this info/advice/thoughts is fantastic help, thank you all :)

[Adam]

Ah man that sucks. I'll speak from a point of view of someone who has been used as an affair. Like I've met a happily married women and we've had sex a few times. Generally, its just been her who wanted some fun and they've always been older than me. I don't invite this on but one time I pretty much suspected she was properly married and just wanted a quick affair but I went through with it anyway - makes me guilty I know.

But once it was out of her system it was all good and although the husband never found out, I am guessing if he did I'd be expected to be cut off and never really contacted again - I sure as hell would even advise if we was about to take a trip together - even as friends - to postpone the trip and sort things out asap. In other words, I can see why this trip really bothers you.

I hope you make it all work out for yourself - try and see things without too much hate or jealousy to see all sides. But obviously it'll have to be your choice and what you're comfortable with.

Good luck.

[gbsuey]

if it helps, as i've got older i've become more bothered about my appearance-i put this down to freaking out about not being attractive anymore-to other men even maybe. (my situation is slightly different as my relationship is not a happy one) If i think someone is interested, it would make me feel happier than it would have when i was younger-if i were to think they were hot who knows what could happen. I don't agree with affairs but if you are a tolerant, easy going guy your wife could be taking that for granted. You need to be a bit selfish too i think and look after your feelings. good luck!

[hpdrifter]

I'm sorry to hear this.

My opinion is that she should definitlely NOT have gone on this trip this weekend with this other man and probably wouldn't have if she was really sorry and really wanted to work things out.

That's just my opinion, though. I guess the conversation has already been had by now, I hope you're okay dude.

[mickill]

My opinion is that she should definitlely NOT have gone on this trip this weekend with this other man and probably wouldn't have if she was really sorry and really wanted to work things out.


That's all I was really going to add. Everybody's entitled to a second chance, I suppose. And you mentioned that she apologized and all, but going away for the weekend with him indicates a serious lack of genuine regret or willingness on her part to put her marriage first. As the saying goes, is she sorry or just sorry she got caught?

[b i o n i c]

that sucks. generally, people will do what you give them permission to do. she went off because maybe she knew you wouldnt stop her. i dunno, maybe? ask yourself what she would do if you had been cheating.

good luck, pete.

[RUN]

What did you do? Did you forgive her and stay together/work it out or did she leave you?

She became pregnant and confessed under much pressure from her parents. She told me that she wasn't sure if the child was mine or his. I told her that I would accept responsibility for the child, that I love her, and that I forgive her. She left me for good about 18 months later. I loved her unconditionally and was willing to accept her mistake. If I had known then that she would abandon the marriage later I would of left her when I had all the reason in the world to. I had already invested 10 years of my life in her and thought she was the one for me. Funny enough, she just got engaged this past Saturday. What I'm trying to tell you is that sometimes following our heart is not always in our best interest.

[hpdrifter]

Wow.

Did you ever find out whether the child was yours?

[RUN]

I have never actually gotten a DNA test for him but I do pay child support on him and have a shared parenting agreement for him. I have him 4 days every week. I used to wonder if he was actually mine because the seed of doubt was placed by my ex having an affair. That eventually was outweighed by the fact that he needs a father and a positive role model in his life. I have been there since the second he came into the world. I will probably never get an DNA test either. I honestly would rather never really know. He is 6 years old now.

[b i o n i c]

you've gotta be one of he best people ever(y) it blows my mind when i hear stories like that

i cant imagine doing that, but i you probably never know unless it happens to you

(taking care of someone else's kid when someone cheats on you)

[Helvete]

Fuck women! WITH A FLAMING BASEBALL BAT!

[Rock]

Fuck her. Don't take her back, she doesn't deserve a second chance.

...and it can ALWAYS get worse.

[hpdrifter]

Wow, that's amazing.

I have a friend who's been dating a girl on and off for like 7 years. When they're off she seems to always turn up pregnant by someone. She has three kids by three different guys, none of them are my friend's. But he keeps going back to her and ends up playing father figure over and over. He pays child support for them and loves them like his own. He can't separate himself because he's all of they've got since their mom is such a trainwreck of a disaster of a cunt.

[b i o n i c]

if you dont put your foot down, she will never respect you.

dont go all jerry springer, but stop being so understanding. you can do this without being scandalous.

i wouldve changed the locks the minute she left and given her a good two weeks before i even picked up the phone. maybe then you can talk and see what you can salvage, if its really worth it to you for some reason.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

That's all I was really going to add. Everybody's entitled to a second chance, I suppose. And you mentioned that she apologized and all, but going away for the weekend with him indicates a serious lack of genuine regret or willingness on her part to put her marriage first. As the saying goes, is she sorry or just sorry she got caught?

This, right here, emphasis on the word "genuine". I totally agree and am asking the same question.

[Burnout18]

Yesterday morning I could have considered forgiveness (although actually forgiving would take some time as all trust is gone)...its more the fact that she STILL went on this trip thats bugging me.



Yea wow, that bugs the shit out of me too. In fact what a shitty decision on her part. The fact that you are even considering taking her back tells me you are a good man, a better man then me, but don't take this shit from her.

In all seriousness it may take years to trust her again,,, infact in the time it would take to trust her again, you could meet someone else and trust them a lot sooner then her.

[mikizee]

Yep, if she really cared for the marriage she wouldnt have gone on the trip. Thats shittier beyond shit.

end of story.

my 2 cents

[RobMoney$]

Start Hiding Money.

[cookiepuss]

first of all...

I hate to break it to ya, but sometimes a person does not need to be unhappy to cheat. I know of men who dearly love their wives, but have still stepped out on them. it happens and for a lot of different reasons.

Second, the fact that she still went on the camping trip with him, says to me that she suspects you're not going to take her back. She's keeping her options open. If she looses you she wants him to fall back on.

[laura]

That's all I was really going to add. Everybody's entitled to a second chance, I suppose. And you mentioned that she apologized and all, but going away for the weekend with him indicates a serious lack of genuine regret or willingness on her part to put her marriage first. As the saying goes, is she sorry or just sorry she got caught?
same here. Im one of those person always give a 2nd chance. but I never been in a such situation. waiting is what it should help to me in situations like this. hard to do it, but helps to "feel" the other person, without she/he speaks and without noise and confusion in your mind. so you would better understand the answer made by mickill :)

then all I can say is best luck

[b i o n i c]

She's keeping her options open. If she looses you she wants him to fall back on.

and this is why you should stop being understanding. change the locks, change your phone number

[Helvete]

Someone needs to take a permanent vacation in the woods.

[peterclamp]

Well, I have taken her back...

Only time will tell if I have made the right decision and we both know it is going to take a long time for me to get over the pain AND trust her again.

She went away on her trip because she was focused on climbing this mountain but more importantly completely believed that she had ruined everything and that I would not have her back.

It has been a horrible few weeks for me, she has suffered (I made her tell her own family what she had done the day I found out, suitable punishment I think!) and she has to live with that regret and shame. I do believe things will be ok, I am an optomist (sp?) and it will be a long road ahead but 9 years (4.5 of marriage) is a lot of time and emotional investment to throw away even after all of this.

Thanks to all that have shared their thoughts, experience and advice no matter which way you saw it...it all helped greatly! Thanks also for those that PM'd me, its great to see complete strangers with one common interest pulling together and giving support...

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU XX :)

Pete

[peterclamp]

Someone needs to take a permanent vacation in the woods.

Obviously if I have made a mistake this could be a suitable option :D

[paul jones]

get her to make you a fry up every day for a month(y)

[peterclamp]

get her to make you a fry up every day for a month(y)

This is a double edged sword! I will be happy with bacon, sausage, egg, black pudding...

She might be happy that she is clogging up my arteries and will soon be able to bury me and go off "climbing mountains"!

[Adam]

glad you've made a decision and I hope it all turns out good for you. You seriously do have some leverage to get free food, days out etc from it all.

Cheating is one of those things that even some of the meek and kinda hearted humans beings have a secret about and things they feel ashamed of.

Good luck (y)

[mikizee]

Best of luck my friend.

[roosta]

yeah, good luck with it.

hope it works out.

[ms.peachy]

I read a great quote recently, where someone said "I only know about half of my own marriage and none of anyone else's, so it's not my place to comment on what goes on between two people." So in the end, all you can do is take on board what everyone says, weigh it up, keep what makes sense to you and jettison whatever doesn't. I'm personally glad you have decided to try to work through this. It might work out, it might not. But you will have tried, rather than bail out because you hit a big bump in the road. Marriage is serious business. Good luck to you both.

[Helvete]

Obviously if I have made a mistake this could be a suitable option :D
Well joking aside, I hope you can work this out. People make mistakes in their lives and I believe in second chances. I made a particular mistake once in my life (nothing to do with cheating) and I got a second chance. Sometimes it's just the situation we find ourselves in at a certain time and maybe we chose to deal with it wrong.

Good luck though!