Bob
08-09-2009, 03:14 AM
i live in a 4 bedroom apartment. when i moved in, everything was sunshine and lollipops. it was exactly what i wanted in an apartment. the place was big and sunny and everyone was independent and polite and quiet and totally accommodating of my own desires to be independent and polite and quiet. One of the roommates even had an amazing friendly dog that i got to pet and play with and i didn't even have to worry about taking it out for walks or picking up its poop. paradise!
but then everything changed
at some point, two of the roommates moved out and i and the roommate with the dog accidentally replaced them with utter cunts (and i hate that word - i think it's sexist and violent and i almost never use it to describe a woman, but i literally can't think of a better one, so i've reluctantly used it and i won't take it back because they are cunts. they are cunts.) but they aren't the focus of this story
no, the focus of this story is the creepy dick who replaced the cool roommate with the dog, who moved in with her boyfriend (and fled the cunts). he's either 44 or 42. he's described himself interchangeably as either of the two and he can't make up his mind (my theory is that he gets so drunk that he literally forgets his age. he's pretty much constantly drunk). he's on the lease. the other two are moving out, but he's staying, and he and i have to find two new roommates together.
this has been problematic! because the dick is going through a midlife crisis and this apartment is apparently his corvette, his harley, his barely legal high school girlfriend, and what have you. he didn't convey himself as such a dick when we first met him, which is why we let him move in but he has proved himself to be quite the dick
while we were discussing what we were looking for in potential roommates he told me (while drunk, he's pretty much always drunk. i said that already, right? because he is, and coming from me, that means a lot.) that he "preferred women, because i'm a horny old bastard". i naturally replied "that's really creepy" and he said "well, i am who i am" and i couldn't really shake him from that position, try as i might with my lawyerly negotiating skills
so we've been meeting with potential roommates, many of whom are female, and many of whom, in my opinion, have been really ideal - they are, similar to the initial crop, independent, clean, quiet, and polite and just very accommodating of my "i really only want roommates because i can't afford to live alone in boston" lifestyle but this midlife crisis having motherfucker is ruining everything
we got a hit from one potential who said something like "i love the apartment and you seem mellow and cool but the other guy seems like kind of a party guy and i need a productive environment, could you promise that it would be quiet after 11pm on weekdays?" and i figure ok, that's a reasonable request, and i ask the guy and he just flips his shit, he's all like "i'm paying rent here, and i'm just trying to relive my college years (he did not tell me this when he moved in) and she wants to tell me what to do??? i'm offended! fuck her!" because one of his not particularly charming habits is laying out on the living room couch and turning led zeppelin up to 11 ("at least i don't turn it up to 12" were his words when i complained about it) semi regularly. he'll turn it down when you ask him, but you do have to ask him. every time. he knows it's wrong, but he constantly does it, and he knowingly does it despite knowing that it's the wrong thing to do ("i like to do what i want and just deal with the consequences in the morning" was his explanation when i complained about that). because he's an alcoholic manchild
and we met another roommate who i found positively perfect - again, she seemed totally accommodating of my "roommates = private bedrooms with lower rent & utilities" lifestyle, and in fact she seemed to share the same opinion about such things, but upon offering her the room, she sent me the following e-mail:
I liked the room and the apartment a lot but I have to be honest with you. I was uncomfortable with [the creepy alcoholic manchild] and I don't think I'd get along with him as a long term roommate.
he's ridiculous. i'm not going to move out, because this apartment is positively perfect otherwise, and for my own part, he's easy enough to ignore because i spend most of my time on my own, but he keeps driving away decent potential roommates with his ridiculous sexist mid life crisis bullshit.
what a cock
what a cock
but then everything changed
at some point, two of the roommates moved out and i and the roommate with the dog accidentally replaced them with utter cunts (and i hate that word - i think it's sexist and violent and i almost never use it to describe a woman, but i literally can't think of a better one, so i've reluctantly used it and i won't take it back because they are cunts. they are cunts.) but they aren't the focus of this story
no, the focus of this story is the creepy dick who replaced the cool roommate with the dog, who moved in with her boyfriend (and fled the cunts). he's either 44 or 42. he's described himself interchangeably as either of the two and he can't make up his mind (my theory is that he gets so drunk that he literally forgets his age. he's pretty much constantly drunk). he's on the lease. the other two are moving out, but he's staying, and he and i have to find two new roommates together.
this has been problematic! because the dick is going through a midlife crisis and this apartment is apparently his corvette, his harley, his barely legal high school girlfriend, and what have you. he didn't convey himself as such a dick when we first met him, which is why we let him move in but he has proved himself to be quite the dick
while we were discussing what we were looking for in potential roommates he told me (while drunk, he's pretty much always drunk. i said that already, right? because he is, and coming from me, that means a lot.) that he "preferred women, because i'm a horny old bastard". i naturally replied "that's really creepy" and he said "well, i am who i am" and i couldn't really shake him from that position, try as i might with my lawyerly negotiating skills
so we've been meeting with potential roommates, many of whom are female, and many of whom, in my opinion, have been really ideal - they are, similar to the initial crop, independent, clean, quiet, and polite and just very accommodating of my "i really only want roommates because i can't afford to live alone in boston" lifestyle but this midlife crisis having motherfucker is ruining everything
we got a hit from one potential who said something like "i love the apartment and you seem mellow and cool but the other guy seems like kind of a party guy and i need a productive environment, could you promise that it would be quiet after 11pm on weekdays?" and i figure ok, that's a reasonable request, and i ask the guy and he just flips his shit, he's all like "i'm paying rent here, and i'm just trying to relive my college years (he did not tell me this when he moved in) and she wants to tell me what to do??? i'm offended! fuck her!" because one of his not particularly charming habits is laying out on the living room couch and turning led zeppelin up to 11 ("at least i don't turn it up to 12" were his words when i complained about it) semi regularly. he'll turn it down when you ask him, but you do have to ask him. every time. he knows it's wrong, but he constantly does it, and he knowingly does it despite knowing that it's the wrong thing to do ("i like to do what i want and just deal with the consequences in the morning" was his explanation when i complained about that). because he's an alcoholic manchild
and we met another roommate who i found positively perfect - again, she seemed totally accommodating of my "roommates = private bedrooms with lower rent & utilities" lifestyle, and in fact she seemed to share the same opinion about such things, but upon offering her the room, she sent me the following e-mail:
I liked the room and the apartment a lot but I have to be honest with you. I was uncomfortable with [the creepy alcoholic manchild] and I don't think I'd get along with him as a long term roommate.
he's ridiculous. i'm not going to move out, because this apartment is positively perfect otherwise, and for my own part, he's easy enough to ignore because i spend most of my time on my own, but he keeps driving away decent potential roommates with his ridiculous sexist mid life crisis bullshit.
what a cock
what a cock