some problems

[Nuzzolese]

He's had a lot of health problems lately - migraines, horrible stomach pains, pains all over his body, vomiting blood, and anxiety that has resulted in psychotically manic episodes in which I was scared he would hurt me or himself. For a long time nobody knew what was wrong with him. The way he grew up, his parents never took him to the doctor or hospital until he was close to death. Partly because they were really poor, but they were also big jerks. They always told him it was all in his head.

Something is wrong with him. I've had to struggle to make him go to different doctors. Since none of them had helped much in the past, he had started to hate and distrust them. Now they think he might have cancer, but they're not sure. So we've been waiting for a week now to get into a specialist's office.

And I am exhausted from being the one to take care of him, to worry, to try to distract him from things. And I feel so selfish becuase nothing is wrong with me. I have it easy. I can't justify doing anything for myself that doesn't help his life in some way. I can't even justify it to myself when I get angry or am in a bad mood. But of course, I do get angry and moody sometimes.

We alternate evenings spent on stupid fun or crying and fighting. Sometimes I think about leaving him. But how could I leave him like this, all alone?! I do love him and I coudn't leave him, ever. But I have started to wonder what would happen if he died. My life would be over. Or what if he has a chronic disease or he really has a serious mental disorder? How can we share a life together? I don't know what to do.

Nobody seems to sympathise or understand, I guess because we can't say for sure that he has a disease or something. Different medicines make him act like a completely different person sometimes.

The worst part about it all is that he is so talented and smart and ambitious. He has always wanted a lot out of life - classical piano, music composition, writing, photography...he could do all of that professionally. And it all seems to come so easily to him but he still works hard. Now his health is holding him back which infuriates him. And it's so unfair when you think of all the lazy, stupid, boring people who have it so easy and make nothing of themselves. Me, for example.


blergh

Oh, this is my boyfriend, by the way.

[MC Moot]

wow...that's really tough...good friends of mine have been dealing with leukemia, a subsequent bone marrow transplant and all the hardships that come along with it…for over 3 years now...there’s so many parts of your post that they have been through and continue to deal with...seeking a thorough and accurate diagnosis, treatment and everything that arises…the parallels are so close...the mood swings, depression,anxiety,anger,uncertainty…on Sept 29 they had a surprise marriage after 13 years of being together it was beautiful…he’s still sick…but it was very heartening…I have no specific advice,just empathy…be well, I wish you well…

[Nuzzolese]

You don't know these things about people - their complications and issues - until it's too late and you already love them. And then there's no backing out like a coward. He needs me, and sometimes his need is really heavy and it gets to me, and I get frustrated and bitchy because I'm a selfish asshole.

But he is so patient, kind, always forgiving. He tells me how much he appreciates all that I do and that if he didn't have me he would never be able to live. It's good to feel needed. I just wish he didn't need to need anyone so much, does that make sense? It's unfair for him.

[Nuzzolese]

But really, are we any different from other couples? Isn't this just sort of what happens when two people's lives become irrevocably intertwined?

You start becoming this single entity, this COUPLEthing that functions as one unit and you cannot separate where one person's life ends and the other begins?

I mean, just because I feel tied to him, that's not a bad thing. It's a secure feeling. And the fear of losing each other is the same for everyone, right?

It's frightening to be so dependant on another person because they could die or change or go crazy or just go away... and then you'd have to start all over again with nothing, with not even yourself, with half yourself, or less.

[mickill]

That's rough.

I don't really have any useful advice for you, but I do think that, first and foremost, you should ensure that you don't allow yourself to be put in a position where you need to be concerned about your own safety. Obviously he may need some serious help, and whether you choose to stick by him while he undergoes whatever treatment he may need shouldn't really reflect on your character either way.

I don't think it's selfish to wonder if this is going to prevent you from living your life the way that you intended to. I also don't think you should be so quick to judge yourself so harshly. You don't have to compose music or take really good pictures to "make something of yourself". All art is subjective, anyway. You may think he's a great composer and all around artist and others may think he's just a complete hack.

So lets say you're the kind of person who makes karaoke night really awkward, but you drive very courteously. Meanwhile, he's a habitual tailgater who can play Chopin's greatest hits no prob. Doesn't it all just even out in the end?

[mickill]

But really, are we any different from other couples? Isn't this just sort of what happens when two people's lives become irrevocably intertwined?

You start becoming this single entity, this COUPLEthing that functions as one unit and you cannot separate where one person's life ends and the other begins?

I mean, just because I feel tied to him, that's not a bad thing. It's a secure feeling. And the fear of losing each other is the same for everyone, right?

It's frightening to be so dependant on another person because they could die or change or go crazy or just go away... and then you'd have to start all over again with nothing, with not even yourself, with half yourself, or less.

Well, yeah.

[MC Moot]

But really, are we any different from other couples? Isn't this just sort of what happens when two people's lives become irrevocably intertwined?

You start becoming this single entity, this COUPLEthing that functions as one unit and you cannot separate where one person's life ends and the other begins?

I mean, just because I feel tied to him, that's not a bad thing. It's a secure feeling. And the fear of losing each other is the same for everyone, right?

It's frightening to be so dependant on another person because they could die or change or go crazy or just go away... and then you'd have to start all over again with nothing, with not even yourself, with half yourself, or less.

"All things appear and disappear because of the concurrence of causes and conditions. Nothing ever exists entirely alone; everything is in relation to everything else..." Buddha

[Nuzzolese]

He's a 10 and I'm a 5. The only ways I'm better than him are my luck in what life has given me, and my ability to tolerate social situations better than he can.

When he was having his last episode type thing, his panic attack thing, I wasn't really afraid for myself. I was more afraid of how bad he would feel if he had hurt me. I didn't keep a distance from him at all, I just stuck around. I called a nurse and kept her on the phone, but I would never leave him alone just to avoid him possibly hurting me. I could take it. I wouldn't care. It's probably just some pride thing like "ohh, look at me, the great girlfriend!!" whatevs!! :rolleyes: Dumb thing to be proud of.

[hpdrifter]

I don't understand. You weren't afraid he would hurt you but you thought he would feel bad if he did? These things don't add up. Can't live without him, he's 10 and you're a 5, he gets mad when you fall asleep while you're watching movies late at night, he loses his temper when you make stupid mistakes.

[hpdrifter]

You don't know these things about people - their complications and issues - until it's too late and you already love them.

Yep.


And then there's no backing out like a coward. He needs me, and sometimes his need is really heavy and it gets to me, and I get frustrated and bitchy because I'm a selfish asshole.

Nope


But he is so patient, kind, always forgiving. He tells me how much he appreciates all that I do and that if he didn't have me he would never be able to live. It's good to feel needed. I just wish he didn't need to need anyone so much, does that make sense? It's unfair for him.

From what you've posted he is not always patient and kind and forgiving. Does it not occur to you that it is manipulative of him to imply that he can't live without you?

[mickill]

Yeah, I think you'd need to dock him a few points for the temper/irrational late night movie hangups thing. And I think you should earn a few extra for your espionage skills.

[hpdrifter]

I'm not trying to judge and I'm glad you posted this here, it sounds like you don't have a ton of people to talk to.

[Echewta]

And its tough because of the different medications. How can you say it is him doing something when it may not really be? How do you judge?

[paul jones]

order the douchbag some mexican pizza(y)

[MC Moot]

He's a 10 and I'm a 5...

nonsense...don't believe your hype...

[kaiser soze]

It sounds like you love him very much but are not too sure where to go with his sickness. You've been through a ton with him and it appears you might be making steps in finding out what is causing his sickness. It is quite respectable that you are holding out for him, it is quite selfless and loving and I'm sure he knows that.

But you also are torn with the fact that his sickness/medications/beliefs have created this physiological and spiritual strife between you two. Maybe finding alternatives in keeping your love alive might be important - romance, poems, massage, hugging, sharing a good laugh could help.

If he does have cancer and it looks like it might be beyond your help - you two should take a very deep vacation, something that could ease his pain and lighten your soul

good luck and I hope this turns out positively for both of you

[Nuzzolese]

Thanks, guys. I may have been exaggerating about that whole he's a 10, perfect, thing. He's not perfect and I'm not going to be THAT kind of girl. I'm so 2008 and low self esteem is so two-thousand late. And we have other evenings besides stupid vs crying. Anyway, he started seeing a therapist yesterday so now he's going to go weekly. And he's supposed to keep a journal now of how he feels on what days, what he eats, how much he sleeps, and all that. I think it's a good idea.

[hpdrifter]

That's great! Therapists are invaluable. I'm not sure what it is about it, it sounds pretty simple but it's significant to have someone just listen.

[monkey]

there were two things about this that really struck me. one, that you love him and care for him deeply, and he has illnesses, both physical and mental right now. and this is really hard for him, but you have to take into account that he's not the only one fighting it as you are too. it may seem selfish to think of yourself in these situations but you need to make sure you are being helped out too. i don't know how you feel about therapy, but it may help you to get your own therapist so you can tell him or her about these things. I imagine that telling the bf doesn't seem like an option when he's dealing with a lot too.

another thing is that you bf may be good looking and talented, but you are intelligent and thoughtful, and you can't put down yourself because you think he's got more skills than you or whatever. it may just be different skills. he probably thinks that he doesn't deserve you. and honestly, anyone who is strong enough to deal with their partner's serious illnesses is a winner in my book. he really is lucky to have you around.

[mickill]

Yeah, I'm sure you saw Ray and Walk The Line. These guys were musical geniuses but still kinda real dicks to their wives.

[Kid Presentable]

I get the feeling that people are made to feel guilty for abandoning fuck-ups. Are they?

[Nuzzolese]

I'm going to get Vulkan Swarley to invent a machine that will turn my boyfriend into a Mutant like Wolverine, nearly invincible. But then he'll lose his memory and he won't know me and he'll run away or something. But I will have saved his life. And I'll have to win him back again using Vulkan's telepathic powers, which he will teach me, like Professor Xavier and Jean Gray. One day I'll be Phoenix though so watch the fuck out.

[Kid Presentable]

The fact that you're joking about it tells me you should leave him.

[Nuzzolese]

Dr. Vulkan, Lise Nuzzo (who later becomes Tucsan) and Baxter Histole aka "Badger"

Adventures we'll be having will remind you of uncanny things you might have seen eslewhere but I assure you it'll be even less canny.

[Nuzzolese]

The fact that you're joking about it tells me you should leave him.

I just didn't want to talk about it seriously anymore. He's not a fuck up and I don't want to think about him getting so sick that he can't accomplish things he otherwise could have. My jokes are a coping mechanism.

[Kid Presentable]

You feel terrible about his condition. I feel terrible about the person living with his condition. There is a kind thing to do, and that's to pull yourself out, before you think about helping him.

[Nuzzolese]

We have a difference of opinion.

[hpdrifter]

Kid, I know you mean well but...

People do things in their own way in their own time. She's going through a lot and her heart is breaking. Saying things like you should leave doesn't help.

She probably goes back and forth in her head every second of every day asking herself that very question. Convincing herself one way or the other depending on whatever seemingly random emotion, going back and forth and feeling guilty and confused all the time. Asking for input from people that only leads to more guilt and confusion. Feeling weak and powerless. It's a horrible place to be and sounds like it's gone on for awhile.

Nuzzolese, I get it, I'm kinda in it too and I'm sorry. That's all I can think of to say that might help.

[mickill]

For the record, I just wanted you to feel better about you. I have no idea what you should be doing about your relationship, though.

[hpdrifter]

I can't edit my posts from yesterday anymore. If I could I would erase them.

You can say whatever you want here. I won't apply my judgement again.

[Nuzzolese]

I like the idea of there being a me.

[hpdrifter]

There are lots of yous.

[Nuzzolese]

There's a difference between having problems with someone, and having problems with a person's illness/es. So if it's just a matter of finding the right doctors, the right pills, right plan, and turing his illness into liveable circumstances for both of us, then I can make it work. And if I can keep separate in my mind the things about him that are HIM and the things that are something happening TO him, I can keep it all organized in my heart.

Easier said than done. I just wish someone could say "You have bliggety bloo disease and for that you take this pill and you're done!"

I'm pretty sure he may have a few separate things, like his migraines I think are totally unrelated to the stomach pains. And I already know he has bad anxiety, his whole family suffers from that. I think being sick just makes any problem worse. Get one under control and the others will ease up.

Oh, the annoying clinial question: "Are you under a lot of stress?"

[hpdrifter]

The point is it's okay if sometimes you can't.

[Kid Presentable]

I know I wasn't helping per se, but I have always beleived that somebody playing devil's advocate can often clarify what it is you really want to do in a situation.

[ms.peachy]

I'm really sorry you are in this position Nuzz. It sounds really difficult. I wish I could tell you something that would help. Do you meditate at all? I know it might sound corny but if you go to a bookstore and get one of those 'guided meditiation CDs and make a half hour or so each day to just go lay/sit quietly undisturbed and listen to it, it might help. I mean obviously it will not solve your problems but giving yourself that bit of time each day to 'go inwards" and just have some stillness, well, it can make a difference in your overall well-being and your ability to handle what life is throwing at you, if that makes sense?