Cheating

[Nuzzolese]

I think I'm cheating on my BF. What else is a BF but someone who is your one and only best friend? What else is being a GF if it isn't the fact that you are someone's one and only best friend? So if you start to become someone else's VIP, isn't that sort of cheating? Sorry for all the abbreves.

I have a new friend, and it's not romantic but it is becoming very personal, and in ways I don't think I can tell my BF about, because I think it would hurt him. I don't want this new friendship to mess things up at home for me but now I'm sure I'm too involved with this new person to avoid hurting him by trying to pull away. He knows I live with my boyfriend. He has never even suggested in words or manners that he wants me in that way. The two of them are very needy in their own ways and I wish there were two of me.

I could cool it with my new friend, as awful as that would be of me.

I could tell my BF about my friend and face the difficulties that will bring (jealousy, suspicion, misunderstanding, distrust, FIGHTS)

I could keep it up and feel guilty.

[paul jones]

My last girlfriend cheated on me.She said she didn't want to tell me at first as she didn't want to hurt my fellings which is total horseshit cos' she's a fucking cunt.

anyway,I really don't know how to suggest what you should do about this situation.See who's the best at ping pong in a deul for your hand in marriage

[b i o n i c]

the vulkan! he cracked!

[Nuzzolese]

In case you had read an old thread of mine, this new friend is the Vulkan. He's really weird, or unique and special. Anyway, he has an odd life and I think he needs some help, probably professional help which I'm not qualified to give. However, I think that if I abandoned him now, it would be like leading someone up a steep and difficult cliff and then using the only a hanglider to get down again while they're still stranded.

[Nuzzolese]

the vulkan! he cracked!

Whoah! Intuitive!

[b i o n i c]

+ synchronicity!

[Nuzzolese]

I've taken secret skip days, I've read books I never told him about, enjoyed music and online communities I didn't tell him about, but this is more like cheating than those others which were basically just keeping a secret hobby.

[b i o n i c]

you wanna know what else is weird? at this VERY FUCKING SECOND i get an im on facebook from my high school girlfriend. she found me and wrote to me last night.

i dont know if i should answer. i kind of dont want to, but i already wrote back and said hi and shit and now she wants to chat

[Nuzzolese]

you wanna know what else is weird? at this VERY FUCKING SECOND i get an im on facebook from my high school girlfriend. she found me and wrote to me last night.

i dont know if i should answer

Does she look good? What'd she say? Why wouldn't you answer??

Edit:

Don't chat! Just answer back and take it from there.

[b i o n i c]

yeah, but would you hook up with vulk if you were single

[hpdrifter]

Wow, this is an interesting turn of events. I really did not see this coming.

[b i o n i c]

should i just ignore the chat window? ive seen her come on and off all day i think she got the balls and im'ed me, even though i dont want to chat i feel bad ignoring her

[b i o n i c]

would you stop being friends with vulk if your bf didnt like it

[Dorothy Wood]

just turn off your chat. I guess unless you need it open to chat with others?


and nuzz! I knew this would happen. are you guys hanging out outside of work now? did you figure out all of his mysteries?

[MC Moot]

I think emotional cheating is equivalent to physical cheating in terms of pain incurred…it all ends badly…

[hpdrifter]

I think you should be honest with your boyfriend. There's really no reason for him to be jealous if this new friendship is totally nonsexual (I suspect it is given what you've posted about this guy and his nature). If the BF has feelings of jealousy over it he should work through those issues by being honest with himself about his feelings and you two can talk openly about things as they arise. I think lying and sneaking around is only going to lead to the suspicion, distrust and (most certainly) fights that you would like to avoid.

Easier said than done, I know. Good luck.

[Nuzzolese]

I think emotional cheating is equivalent to physical cheating in terms of pain incurred…it all ends badly…

I agree.

[hpdrifter]

Explain to me how sharing with a friend constitutes emotional cheating.

I share intense personal feelings with friends (mostly girls and/or family members) that I do not share with my husband. Why is this different if it is completely nonsexual?

[Nuzzolese]

We don't hang out outside of work, and I don't think I've solved all of his mysteries.

He has explained to me that he has seen therapists in the past because he has a kind of emotional disorder, and most of the time he really wants to overcome it. In his own words, he's described it as if he's unable to feel emotionally. He's said that he can tell when people are angry, or pleased, or nervous. He can figure out what makes people feel things, and he can act the part by being polite or pretending to understand, but he can't relate to any of it and the charade is tiresome for him.

And now I've really screwed up because I bothered him so much and tried so hard to talk to him and figure him out. I don't even know why I did this. He started to be able to talk to me more and, I'm assuming, to feel at ease around me given that he's told me so much. Although his mannerisms never change so any other sign of a closer friendship between us is completely absent. And even though I know that he wouldn't feel sad or rejected if I were to suddenly drop our relationship, I would still feel guilty for pushing him out of my own curiosity, playing around with him like that. If he wants to try to improve his life the way he says he does, I could be helping him.

[ToucanSpam]

I think you need to talk to your BF about how you feel. I don't think you're doing anything "wrong" but it will definitely hurt him to know you have become closer to a different man. I think by talking about this with him, even though it will hurt him a little, you will feel relieved. It's important to take care of yourself as well as be considerate to your significant other.

[Nuzzolese]

I think there's another reason for all this guilt and it's the worst reason. I LIKE that Vulkan thought me special enough to share his serets with. I know he doesn't LIKE me like that. It just feels good to be important to someone, like one of the only important people to someone. And that's messed up because I am THE most important person to my boyfriend. That should be enough.

And also very bad in a stupid way, if I'm going to be 100 percent honest, I do find myself attracted to Vulkan in a girl-likes-guy sort of way. I didn't before. Maybe it's all because he's so odd and cannot feel for me in any way, and probably will never be sexually interested in me. How stupid.

Well, I've got to go help him give an exam to some medical residents. Sheesh.

[kaiser soze]

If you think you are cheating - then you are. Especially if you are investing emotional energy which usually turns into other forms of intimacy.

Once your live in boyfriend finds out this will only turn ugly. First there will be jealously, shit loads of questions, resentment, spying, oh and many arguments and crying. This will push you further closer to the Vulcan creating a growing void between you and your boyfriend.

There will be times when you two try to find resolve and then Vulcan will do something sweet or beckon for you or boyfriend and you will have another fight and you'll confide in Vulcan and become convinced by your rationalization of talking to Vulcan.

You'll size the two up - Vulcan can give you this when your boyfriend is done giving you that, He's sweet, he's a pain in the ass, etc. etc.

And eventually you'll do something from which you just can't turn back from and you'll feel horrible and your boyfriend will call you names and make you feel even more horrible so you'll go do unimaginable things with Vulcan again to feel better and eventually you'll be called out on your cheating and your boyfriend will dump you, leave you, and hate you.

Months or years later you'll try to contact your ex-boyfriend and he'll fuck with your head.

The End.

Trust me, this is exactly what happened to me

So to make this long story short - if you're in love with Vulcan, dump boyfriend now

[paul jones]

I think there's another reason for all this guilt and it's the worst reason. I LIKE that Vulkan / I do find myself attracted to Vulkan in a girl-likes-guy sort of way..

does this guy look like Leonard Nimoy or something?

[hpdrifter]

Well if you have <3 feelings for him maybe you should lay off.

A possibly overreacting, inflammatory aside: Have you gotten any vibe from this guy that he might be dangerous? It just seems that an absence of emotion, sympathy and/or empathy and an inability to relate to people or participate in normal human interactions are often associated with serial killers, right?

[b i o n i c]

And also very bad in a stupid way, if I'm going to be 100 percent honest, I do find myself attracted to Vulkan in a girl-likes-guy sort of way. I didn't before. Maybe it's all because he's so odd and cannot feel for me in any way, and probably will never be sexually interested in me. How stupid.

if he liked you youd go for it.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

Well if you have <3 feelings for him maybe you should lay off.

A possibly overreacting, inflammatory aside: Have you gotten any vibe from this guy that he might be dangerous? It just seems that an absence of emotion, sympathy and/or empathy and an inability to relate to people or participate in normal human interactions are often associated with serial killers, right?

my thoughts exactly.

[Fern]

that;s fucking gay. Guilt? There is nothing to feel guilty about. I understand the concept of 'emotional cheating,' but it doesn't make sense to me. You feel more guile with emotional cheating than I do with physical cheating....

[Bob]

Well if you have <3 feelings for him maybe you should lay off.

A possibly overreacting, inflammatory aside: Have you gotten any vibe from this guy that he might be dangerous? It just seems that an absence of emotion, sympathy and/or empathy and an inability to relate to people or participate in normal human interactions are often associated with serial killers, right?

there are far fewer serial killers than there are quiet loners. that seems improbable

just a little PSA from the quiet loner lobby - "we're not killers!"

[Rock]

Shady...why would you put yourself into a situation where you might develop feelings for Dr. Spock when you are currently in a relationship? That is a bitch slap to the face of your current boyfriend. Break up with him and then see whats doing with Spock. Shady.

[insertnamehere]

i dont think you're doing anything wrong, although i understand your guilty feelings. you guys arent even flirting, as i dont think this guy is capeable of flirting. i dont think this constitutes any kind of cheating, its just having a friend you can share personal stuff with. It's sort of like having a gay friend in the sense that he probably doesn't want to jump your bones.

maybe just let your bf know that this guys exists. you dont even have to do it in a serious oh i have to tell you something i feel guilty about kind of way, just mention him when you're talking about work, like oh this guy at work that is sort of odd actually talks to me and hates everyone else and i think thats pretty neat.

[hpdrifter]

there are far fewer serial killers than there are quiet loners. that seems improbable

just a little PSA from the quiet loner lobby - "we're not killers!"

Come on, Bob. He isn't just a quiet loner. You're a quiet loner but you have a drive for sex, love, attachment, friendship. This person doesn't have any of that.

[insertnamehere]

just because hes a sociopath doesnt mean he has a drive to kill people

he's probably true neutral.

[Bob]

Come on, Bob. He isn't just a quiet loner. You're a quiet loner but you have a drive for sex, love, attachment, friendship. This person doesn't have any of that.

it doesn't mean he kills people though. i mean, what would he do with the bodies, put them in the back of his jeep and feed them to his...oh i see what you mean

[hpdrifter]

Not necessarily, no. I'm just saying there are obvious similarities between his more defining characteristics and those of some serial killers. Doesn't mean he is one, just something to think about.

[Adam]

i dont think you're doing anything wrong, although i understand your guilty feelings. you guys arent even flirting, as i dont think this guy is capeable of flirting. i dont think this constitutes any kind of cheating, its just having a friend you can share personal stuff with. It's sort of like having a gay friend in the sense that he probably doesn't want to jump your bones.

maybe just let your bf know that this guys exists. you dont even have to do it in a serious oh i have to tell you something i feel guilty about kind of way, just mention him when you're talking about work, like oh this guy at work that is sort of odd actually talks to me and hates everyone else and i think thats pretty neat.

dat

[Nuzzolese]

I do not want to break up with my boyfriend, who loves me and has feelings and can offer me a world of a life more than Vulkan could ever offer anyone.

There would be no future with Vulkan because it would be so lopsided with me being the only one with an attachment while he would only see me as someone who doesn't annoy him and could possibly help him reach his goal of being more normal. He's totally like Dr. Spock, all wanting to be human! Ack, I'm insensitive!

I should tell my BF about him, I just don't know how to approach the subject without betraying my inner guilt. I've mentioned him before but I don't even think my BF remembers it now.




As to the theory that Vulkan is a serial killer. Wouldn't that require some sort of urges or anger? He doesn't seem to have urges other than to avoid confrontations with people. And he never seems to get angry, only slightly uncomfortable.

He's asked me things about normal behavior like "When you ask people how they're doing, do you really care or is it just a habit?" And it seems to reassure him when I tell him that most of the time, for most people, they don't really care and they're just asking out of habit. I get the idea that he doesn't want to hurt people or upset them, because that's really inconvenient.

He said he wanted to have relationships with people becuase it would make life easier - not having to go to such lengths to do everything on his own. Said it would be nice to have someone he can ask to do favors.

But he said most relationships get to be too demanding becuase people expect him to call them and do stuff together and care about their lives, and they don't understand why he won't do that stuff. He also said that he had a couple of girlfriends in the past but they eventually dumped him. I didn't ask him if he had any sexual desires at all. I do wonder that. I wonder if he masturbates. I'm thinking it's either not at all, or all the time.

[Nuzzolese]

it doesn't mean he kills people though. i mean, what would he do with the bodies, put them in the back of his jeep and feed them to his...oh i see what you mean


It's all coming together now.

[hpdrifter]

I don't think serial killers necessarily have feelings of anger. Maybe that's what drives some of them. But others... I think just feel nothing.

It doesn't matter. Just a theory.

[kaiser soze]

Sounds like Vulcan just needs to get out and meet some people/make friends/socialize/loosen up.

or this could be an elaborate ploy to get you, playing the tough catch or the innocent, naive dude until your in it too deep.

[b i o n i c]

i say tell or dump bf..

and i responded to ex gf, out of curiosity.. she's married and she asked me if i remembered the time we got caught in the car at the park, :S

[Audio.]

I cheated before.

On Pokemon Red there was this cheat where you can get up to 99 copies of any item from poke balls to money. That shit was awesome.

[b i o n i c]

youre going to burn in hell

[b i o n i c]

i responded to ex gf, out of curiosity.. she's married and she asked me if i remembered the time we got caught in the car at the park, :S

im quoting myself cause i have to ask.. does this sound strange to anyone? why would a married chick bring that up

[kaiser soze]

to fuck with your head :(

muah hahaha!

[insertnamehere]

also, dr. spock is a child psychologist

mr. spock is a vulcan

know your spocks

[Adam]

NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!

[Nuzzolese]

Sorry, MISTER SPOCK, who was a Vulcan not a Vulkan. Eeep.

im quoting myself cause i have to ask.. does this sound strange to anyone? why would a married chick bring that up

Yes, it does sound strange. Perhaps she wants to relive the old glory days?

[b i o n i c]

to fuck with your head :(

muah hahaha!

i guess, but im not into her.. and she technically dumped me anyway... and SHE'S MARRIED!! im not really so sure shes fucking with my head

[Nuzzolese]

Oh! Also, I found out that Vulkan lived in foster homes as a child because his parents were killed by his uncle, who is in prison. He was 4 at the time, and he was in the house when it happened.


It got me thinking that he might have been neglected or mistreated as a boy and it might have stunted his emotional growth. I don't know, who can say? That's my theory.

[Nuzzolese]

i guess, but im not into her.. and she technically dumped me anyway... and SHE'S MARRIED!! im not really so sure shes fucking with my head

Tell her you're dating a Victoria's Secret model and ask her about married life. Any kids yet?

[insertnamehere]

you should tell the vulcan how you feel, then he will be able to come up with a solution that is based purely on logic.

[rirv]

Oh! Also, I found out that Vulkan lived in foster homes as a child because his parents were killed by his uncle, who is in prison. He was 4 at the time, and he was in the house when it happened.


It got me thinking that he might have been neglected or mistreated as a boy and it might have stunted his emotional growth. I don't know, who can say? That's my theory.

You don't need much theory to realise that an event like that has definitely fucked this guy sideways. Everything that happens to you as a child affects the person you grow up to be.

[Nuzzolese]

you should tell the vulcan how you feel, then he will be able to come up with a solution that is based purely on logic.

That is a brilliantly simple solution. I just might.

But then, does the logical solution help when feelings are concerned? Vulkan is logical and he offends people all the time. I would often be offended by him if I didn't constantly remind myself of his issues.

[hpdrifter]

Well that explains a lot!

Is it that he doesn't feel these things or that he's afraid to feel them because of what happened to him as a child.

So the uncle is a killer.... hmmm.... maternal or paternal uncle?

[Nuzzolese]

You don't need much theory to realise that an event like that has definitely fucked this guy sideways. Everything that happens to you as a child affects the person you grow up to be.

Maybe, but he could have been like this anyway.

[Adam]

I find it strange that the first recorded use of the word love used as a verb was only 72 years ago in 1937. But when spoken, its used as a verb 54% of the time. Written use of the word is 54% verb | 46% noun

source (http://www.wolframalpha.com/input/?i=love)

I went to Wolfram|Alpha* when a logical answer was suggested but didn't find anything that helped

* side not, I really do love that website

[Nuzzolese]

Well that explains a lot!

Is it that he doesn't feel these things or that he's afraid to feel them because of what happened to him as a child.

So the uncle is a killer.... hmmm.... maternal or paternal uncle?

I think that he wishes he could feel more, so he wouldn't be such an outsider. But then, sometimes I think he likes the way he is because he has such a disdain for dramatic people and affectionate displays and all of that. Even I can relate to some of the things he says - about feeling socially awkward a lot of the time, and how he thinks most people are fake and he'd rather not pretend all the time.

The uncle was his dad's brother. I don't think he was a serial killer or anything, but I guess he could have been. Is someone still a serial killer if they go to jail before they get the chance to kill more than two people?

[MC Moot]

Free Advice:I think you should quit this thing cold turkey and pronto...it all sounds unhealthy...Also I ‘d consider your ability to immediately forego this ‘relationship’ a litmus test of how emotionally attached you are…from his perspective I can’t imagine what would encourage me to relate such intimate details of my being to a pixilated persona…it smacks of need and questionable mental disposition…drop it like it’s snot…love the one you're with...














everybody knows advice
that was give out for free
lots of details to discern
lots of details

[Nuzzolese]

It feels irresponsble to quit being his friend now. I mean, what if I drop him after he's opened up to me like this and it sends him into reverse and he's never able to open up to anyone again?

I'm resolved to tell my BF more about him, with an emphasis on his lack of emotional abilities

I'm resolved to stop finding him attractive: because it can only be a sick, vain response to the attention he's giving to me and no one else.

[MC Moot]

It feels irresponsble to quit being his friend now. I mean, what if I drop him after he's opened up to me like this and it sends him into reverse and he's never able to open up to anyone again?

I’d suggest weaning him off, respond with less frequency and intensity…his reaction to this course of action will be very telling…also consider if the dialogue is always’s appropriate…if it makes you feel suspect it’s not right, is it?...I mean it’s one thing to hang out and talk movies,books,music and life in general…but I think your dialogue with him has likely far exceeded lines of intimacy…gently steer him towards other resources…

[nodanaonlyzuul]

im quoting myself cause i have to ask.. does this sound strange to anyone? why would a married chick bring that up

It IS weird. Might be reliving the glory days as it's been said above. Which, why would that be necessary if you are in a happy marriage? That kind of talk is inappropriate, IMO. It's possible she is lonely in her current marriage and is trying to reach out to something she had before.

[hpdrifter]

What ndoz said.

[Freebasser]

Honestly. You stay away from the board for a whole afternoon and look what happens.

[Echewta]

Nuzz,

Do you find yourself normally attracted to men who are wounded or need help?

Thank you,

Echewta

[Knuckles]

Nuzz,

Do you find yourself normally attracted to men who are wounded or need help?

Thank you,

Echewta

Echewta has a sliver in his thumb and his toilet is running.

[Echewta]

Knuckles,

This is simply not the case. I am confident enough to jiggle the handle to fix the toilet and simply leaving the splinter in my finger, nature will take its course and within in a few months, the spliter will be pushed out.

I'm just curious to see if the board member in question is a healer and if she is drawn to those who are socially wounded.

[Dorothy Wood]

Knuckles,

This is simply not the case. I am confident enough to jiggle the handle to fix the toilet and simply leaving the splinter in my finger, nature will take its course and within in a few months, the spliter will be pushed out.

I'm just curious to see if the board member in question is a healer and if she is drawn to those who are socially wounded.


of course she is! she works in a hospital for pete's sake!

[sjp]

In case you had read an old thread of mine, this new friend is the Vulkan. He's really weird, or unique and special. Anyway, he has an odd life and I think he needs some help, probably professional help which I'm not qualified to give. However, I think that if I abandoned him now, it would be like leading someone up a steep and difficult cliff and then using the only a hanglider to get down again while they're still stranded.

then you let him lead his life all the way to the local psychiatrist cause aww hell who am i to say do what you want but if you cheat on your boyfriend might he put you on here http://www.dontdatethis.com/ddtgirl/

[ms.peachy]

Nuzz if things were the other way around and it was your BF having this kind of close relationship with another girl, how would you feel about it? My guiding principle is this: if something I'm doing feels wrong, then it probably is wrong. Now I'm not saying being friends with the guy is wrong, only that, if it is a 'secret' and you are deliberately not telling your fella, then that's, you know, not so good. As you say though you want to tell the BF about him so, ok. Why not invite the Vulcan out for dinner or something with the two of you, or to a film, or something?

[Nuzzolese]

If it was the other way 'round I'd want him to tell me about it, even about his feelings of guilt. So last night I told my BF about Vulkan, even about how he talks to me more than anyone else. He was really curious. I was cool about it, I tried to stress how possibly disturbed he might be.


Invite him out to be the third wheel on one of our dates?! How awkward!


I didn't used to be attracted to vulnerability or wounds, but lately things seemed to have changed. I still think I'm attracted to competency and big, rippling muscles.

I do work in a hospital but I sit in a corner of the building, I don't deal with patients in any physical proximity. My desk is wedged between large windows, and I grumble at anyone who comes near me.

[ms.peachy]

Invite him out to be the third wheel on one of our dates?! How awkward!


Do you guys never go out with other people, or is it always just the two of you? Mr.p and I have nights out with other folks that aren't, like, romantic date-y things, just, you know, going out socially. Tomorrow we're going out with a guy he works with, I didn't think there was anything weird or awkward about that.

[kaiser soze]

I don't think it's the vulnerability, I think it's the mystery

You work in the hospital there are people who are vulnerable all around you (both patients and employees), this would more than likely have happened sooner

But yeah what ms. peachy said - if the shoe was on the other foot

Telling your boyfriend how disturbed this person is firstly and having the possibility of exposing your feelings for him could end up being quite messy.

[Nuzzolese]

Do you guys never go out with other people, or is it always just the two of you? Mr.p and I have nights out with other folks that aren't, like, romantic date-y things, just, you know, going out socially. Tomorrow we're going out with a guy he works with, I didn't think there was anything weird or awkward about that.

We don't normally have nights out with just one other person. I think maybe it's just he and I who are weird and awkward. Of course, Vulkan is weird and awkward so it might work out somehow, afterall.

[paul jones]

Of course, Vulkan is weird and awkward so it might work out somehow, afterall.


go and get a weird room and have some weird sex then!:rolleyes:

[Echewta]

hahaha, awesome.

[Nuzzolese]

What's a weird room? Like a round one?

[b i o n i c]

one with weird dim lighting and weird fake wood paneling

[Echewta]

One that has a large tree stump instead of a bed.

[Freebasser]

You cannot walk into a weird room. A weird room walks into you.

[Nuzzolese]

One that has a large tree stump instead of a bed.
Like in the movie Secretary?

[Echewta]

I've never seen it but boy howdy in a handcart, do I want to now

[Nuzzolese]

I'm not sure that's precisely what I saw, but the room did have something like that. I was destracted by the nudity in the scene.

[Echewta]

What now? Nudity? Forget it.

[hpdrifter]

I quite like that movie.