damned if I do, damned if I don't

[Dorothy Wood]

I just kind of have to vent about stuff in here. Things are progressing with my gentleman friend, so we've been spending a lot of time together. He has his own apartment, so I stay over at his maybe 2-3 nights a week. Yet, my roommate is like, "you're never here anymore". But I am there! just not those days, and even when I'm there, she's mostly just hanging out in her room. And geez louise, if he stays over, she basically hides even though they know each other.

She is in general, very supportive of my relationship, but seemingly also very depressed. I don't know if I'm supposed to have a talk with her or what? how does one suggest therapy or something? she's my friend, so I feel like I need to help, but I'm also starting to get really sick of feeling guilty, and responsible for her happiness. :(

[b i o n i c]

id just tell her how you feel, but VERY rarely will someone take your advice on something like that.

[NicRN77]

Ya, tell her how you feel. I've suggested counseling to a friend of mine going through a very rough patch in her life. She keeps telling me she should go, but has yet to make any sort of appointments. I think we should all see a counselor...mental health is just as important as physical health.

Don't feel guilty. There is nothing wrong with being happy with your life. Your friend shouldn't make you feel this way.

[b i o n i c]

i have a depressed friend who basically everyone has given up on..

he NEVER goes out EVER. he owns his own apartment and has a job, so he's fairly comfortable and won't ever really hit rock bottom. he sits at home every single night watching tv, smoking weed, cigarettes and drinking beer. he hasnt had sex in about 10 years. and in that time he dated one girl once.

he's been like this for the last 5-7 years, slowly getting worse.. worse in that he goes out less and less often - in the last couple years he just stopped all together. no one goes to visit him anymore.. he came out for a halloween party this weekend and seemed to have a good time, but he's good now for a few months im sure.

i go by there at least once a week to sit around smoke with him and have a few laughs, talk, whatever.. ive talked with him SOOOO many times about seeing someone, about getting out, about meeting new people, etc. he will not budge. i cant get him to go anywhere and if i didnt go, he'd be completely isolated from everyone outside of going to and from the office and dinner with his parents once every coupla weeks. i dont know what else to do.. im really at my wits end

so yeah, depressed people are some of the most stubborn people. the whole isolation thing makes them feel normal. osrry this doesnt have much to do with your story.. but yeah, good luck

[Bob]

i have a depressed friend who basically everyone has given up on..

he NEVER goes out EVER. he owns his own apartment and has a job, so he's fairly comfortable and won't ever really hit rock bottom. he sits at home every single night watching tv, smoking weed, cigarettes and drinking beer. he hasnt had sex in about 10 years. and in that time he dated one girl once.

he's been like this for the last 5-7 years, slowly getting worse.. worse in that he goes out less and less often - in the last couple years he just stopped all together. no one goes to visit him anymore.. he came out for a halloween party this weekend and seemed to have a good time, but he's good now for a few months im sure.

i go by there at least once a week to sit around smoke with him and have a few laughs, talk, whatever.. ive talked with him SOOOO many times about seeing someone, about getting out, about meeting new people, etc. he will not budge. i cant get him to go anywhere and if i didnt go, he'd be completely isolated from everyone outside of going to and from the office and dinner with his parents once every coupla weeks. i dont know what else to do.. im really at my wits end

so yeah, depressed people are some of the most stubborn people. the whole isolation thing makes them feel normal. osrry this doesnt have much to do with your story.. but yeah, good luck

shit, that sounds like me. except for the weed and the job and the one bedroom apartment. you know, the good parts of his life. that's not normal?

[Dorothy Wood]

i have a depressed friend who basically everyone has given up on..

he NEVER goes out EVER. he owns his own apartment and has a job, so he's fairly comfortable and won't ever really hit rock bottom. he sits at home every single night watching tv, smoking weed, cigarettes and drinking beer. he hasnt had sex in about 10 years. and in that time he dated one girl once.

he's been like this for the last 5-7 years, slowly getting worse.. worse in that he goes out less and less often - in the last couple years he just stopped all together. no one goes to visit him anymore.. he came out for a halloween party this weekend and seemed to have a good time, but he's good now for a few months im sure.

i go by there at least once a week to sit around smoke with him and have a few laughs, talk, whatever.. ive talked with him SOOOO many times about seeing someone, about getting out, about meeting new people, etc. he will not budge. i cant get him to go anywhere and if i didnt go, he'd be completely isolated from everyone outside of going to and from the office and dinner with his parents once every coupla weeks. i dont know what else to do.. im really at my wits end

so yeah, depressed people are some of the most stubborn people. the whole isolation thing makes them feel normal. osrry this doesnt have much to do with your story.. but yeah, good luck

is he cute? maybe we should facilitate a love connection.

[b i o n i c]

well, he used to be fairly good looking i guess, but he's stopped taking care of himself completely and has the beer gut, long fucked up looking hair (i suppose some women like that, but id be willing to bet you wouldnt).. but yeah, if anyone knows where i can get a roofie, ill slip one in his beer before i shove him in a box and ship him to your place. that would probably be the only way

bob, i think you play yours up a bit.. you're dating a girl.. you're trying to improve your life, not just stagnant and never changing. and at least you talk to us on here.. i dont think he talks to anyone but his mom

[MC Moot]

I just kind of have to vent about stuff in here. Things are progressing with my gentleman friend, so we've been spending a lot of time together. He has his own apartment, so I stay over at his maybe 2-3 nights a week. Yet, my roommate is like, "you're never here anymore". But I am there! just not those days, and even when I'm there, she's mostly just hanging out in her room. And geez louise, if he stays over, she basically hides even though they know each other. :(

To most this would make you an ideal roommate...:rolleyes:...it's nice that you're pals an maybe she's missing your company...make some time for her...that might be nice...

[MC Moot]

^Furthermore...I'll bet your cat feels just like her these day's...make a date with the cat as well...(y)

[Audio.]

i have a depressed friend who basically everyone has given up on..

he NEVER goes out EVER. he owns his own apartment and has a job, so he's fairly comfortable and won't ever really hit rock bottom. he sits at home every single night watching tv, smoking weed, cigarettes and drinking beer. he hasnt had sex in about 10 years. and in that time he dated one girl once.

he's been like this for the last 5-7 years, slowly getting worse.. worse in that he goes out less and less often - in the last couple years he just stopped all together. no one goes to visit him anymore.. he came out for a halloween party this weekend and seemed to have a good time, but he's good now for a few months im sure.

i go by there at least once a week to sit around smoke with him and have a few laughs, talk, whatever.. ive talked with him SOOOO many times about seeing someone, about getting out, about meeting new people, etc. he will not budge. i cant get him to go anywhere and if i didnt go, he'd be completely isolated from everyone outside of going to and from the office and dinner with his parents once every coupla weeks. i dont know what else to do.. im really at my wits end

so yeah, depressed people are some of the most stubborn people. the whole isolation thing makes them feel normal. osrry this doesnt have much to do with your story.. but yeah, good luck
Dude! THATS ME! WHAAAAAAAH :eek: :D

[Dorothy Wood]

To most this would make you an ideal roommate...:rolleyes:...it's nice that you're pals an maybe she's missing your company...make some time for her...that might be nice...

I do make time, but why is up to me to make dates with her? she never makes plans to do anything with me, I'm always the one who has the plans. if she doesn't like those plans, then she stays home.

I mean, obviously I understand her situation, our other roommate basically lives with her boyfriend now...so she's alone pretty often. I guess I just don't like being made to feel like it's my fault. when she and I lived with our other friend a couple of years ago, they both had boyfriends and I was the single one. nobody gave two shits about including me in anything and I was constantly subjected to couch canoodling and closed bedroom doors with giggles behind them; so I just did things on my own, made plans with other friends, or sat on the computer googling shit and talking to my internet friends.

I dunno, I want her to take charge of her life I guess, but if she's truly going through a depression, that's hard to get out of.

[yeahwho]

Is it truly depression or is it some sort of co-dependency issue. Ive been going to a lot of AA meetings since I quit the booze and I don't think I've ever seen so much co-dependency in my fucking life. It's bizarre... not that I don't have my own set of problems but my problems are the opposite, I generally distrust everybody so I never depend on them...

Most of the people I know who are recovering alcoholics they don't have relationships, they take hostages.

[MC Moot]

nobody gave two shits about including me in anything and I was constantly subjected to couch canoodling and closed bedroom doors with giggles behind them; so I just did things on my own, made plans with other friends, or sat on the computer googling shit and talking to my internet friends..

I've only ever roomed with my brother but couch canoodling can be so repulsive if you're not the recipient of said affections...

I dunno, I want her to take charge of her life I guess, but if she's truly going through a depression, that's hard to get out of.

How bout a weekly gym date or something?...she benefits by gaining some endorphin,shares your company,you can work it out,figuratively and literally,laugh and be better together...win,win...

[MC Moot]

Most of the people I know who are recovering alcoholics they don't have relationships, they take hostages.

Is that yours?...because it’s really clever, true to life and highly quotable...(y)

[yeahwho]

Is that yours?...because it’s really clever, true to life and highly quotable...(y)

I won't take credit for that, I'm sure I heard it at a meeting in another form then twisted into that, but hey thanks

[Dorothy Wood]

Is it truly depression or is it some sort of co-dependency issue. Ive been going to a lot of AA meetings since I quit the booze and I don't think I've ever seen so much co-dependency in my fucking life. It's bizarre... not that I don't have my own set of problems but my problems are the opposite, I generally distrust everybody so I never depend on them...

Most of the people I know who are recovering alcoholics they don't have relationships, they take hostages.

It could be a bit of both. She does depend on other people for certain things, and gets offended easily. Like, once, my best friend came over for a haircut and we had planned to order pizza. I didn't really tell my roommate that BFF was coming over (we're all friends) because it was decided over email while we were all at work and it was between the BFF and me, ssoooo. anyway, the roommate's lactose intolerant, and she was like, "well! I don't want pizza unless we get it from [really expensive place that has good cheeseless pizza]. I want tacos" and we were like, "um we had plans for haircutting and pizza...." and she got all huffy. needless to say, we got tacos that night.

She's independent in a lot of ways though, so it's strange. it's pretty much only with social situations, she needs someone to entertain her, and if what's going on is not up to her expectations and/or if someone isn't constantly attending to her, she gets pissy and quiet. which sucks.

meh.

My boyfriend is in recovery (7 years sober, do you still call it recovery?) but he's pretty independent. He does need structure and ritual in his life though, and he can be a little needy...but not even that needy, actually less needy than anybody I've ever dated. He just has low self-esteem and anxiety problems sometimes and needs to talk through things on occasion. Luckily I like damaged men. It's nice that he's tried to repair himself already though.


I've only ever roomed with my brother but couch canoodling can be so repulsive if you're not the recipient of said affections...



How bout a weekly gym date or something?...she benefits by gaining some endorphin,shares your company,you can work it out,figuratively and literally,laugh and be better together...win,win...

yes, I refuse to couch canoodle. I'll lounge, but I won't canoodle and giggle!

she's not really the kind of person who works out (she's naturally quite thin and walks a lot). and I don't have the money for a gym membership.

thanks for the suggestion though!

[Helvete]

Haha, losers.

[hpdrifter]

I had a friend like this once. We weren't even that close but when I started dating my now husband she started pouting about stuff like that. You don't call me as much, we don't hang out as much. In reality we didn't talk or go out any more or less than we had before I met him but to her it was a threat.

Some people just don't respond well to changes in their social structure. She sounds to me like she just likes pouting a lot and is glad to have something to pout about.

[miss soul fire]

Does she have a boyfriend? If she doesn't, then get her oneeeee! She's jealous of you. OR, maybe she's secretly in looove with you, so you'll have to tell her you're into dogs and not bitches. There you go.:D

[paul jones]

I just thought about Seinfeld and how it ended on the eve of internet .

[insertnamehere]

I just thought about Seinfeld and how it ended on the eve of internet .

its probably really for the best that seinfeld and the internet did not peak simultaneously

[paul jones]

its probably really for the best that seinfeld and the internet did not peak simultaneously

Only once do I remember Jerry at his desk on his computer in a scene but he was probably checking on his jokes on a floppy disc or something.

[ms.peachy]

she was like, "well! I don't want pizza unless we get it from [really expensive place that has good cheeseless pizza]. I want tacos" and we were like, "um we had plans for haircutting and pizza...." and she got all huffy. needless to say, we got tacos that night.


See, this was a mistake. Trust me on this, I have a 3 year old. You cave once, it sends the message "ah, this is how I get the attention I want - I'll throw more of these tantrum things, they work!"

Stop feeling guilty. You're not doing anything wrong.

[Audio.]

Only once do I remember Jerry at his desk on his computer in a scene but he was probably checking on his jokes on a floppy disc or something.

I could have sworn there was one episode of him checking up on Superman over the net.

meh Seinfeld with out the internet hype was great. Or else it would have been just like tv show Friends.

Which reminds me. I'm buying a leather jacket! That episode of Jerry giving his jacket to Kramer reminded me of it just now.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

Stop feeling guilty. You're not doing anything wrong.

Exactly.

the girl obviously has a few issues she needs to deal with on her own. You are not her Mother. You are not her sitter. You are not her built-in best friend that you have to spend every single day of your life with.

It would be one thing if you were BFFs and you were really gone every single day. But that's not the case.

I wouldn't make time for this girl any more than you already do by being a roommate. Especially if she's trying to give you guilt trips. People like that will keep trying to make you feel guilty again and again if you let them just to get the attention they want or whatever it is they are after.

[MC Moot]

Exactly.

the girl obviously has a few issues she needs to deal with on her own. You are not her Mother. You are not her sitter. You are not her built-in best friend that you have to spend every single day of your life with.

It would be one thing if you were BFFs and you were really gone every single day. But that's not the case.

I wouldn't make time for this girl any more than you already do by being a roommate. Especially if she's trying to give you guilt trips. People like that will keep trying to make you feel guilty again and again if you let them just to get the attention they want or whatever it is they are after.

ahhhhhhh...when the voice of compassion becomes hoarse then mute...:rolleyes:

[hpdrifter]

:rolleyes:

Jeez, this isn't about compassion, it's about being manipulated.

[MC Moot]

^you see manipulation,I see someone who sounds a little put out or lonely with a sea change in their dwelling...my sight is better...not nescesarily clearer but kinder...

[hpdrifter]

Well the old adage if you give a man a fish you feed him for one meal if you teach him to fish you feed him for a lifetime seems appropos to me here.

[Dorothy Wood]

Some people just don't respond well to changes in their social structure. She sounds to me like she just likes pouting a lot and is glad to have something to pout about.

this seems pretty accurate. we are pretty good friends though. the amount of time we spend together is almost exactly the same as it was before.


See, this was a mistake. Trust me on this, I have a 3 year old. You cave once, it sends the message "ah, this is how I get the attention I want - I'll throw more of these tantrum things, they work!"

Stop feeling guilty. You're not doing anything wrong.

lol! well, maybe next time I'll put my foot down. and thanks, I'm trying not to take things personally; but I know she's lonely, so I can't help feeling a little bad.


Anyway, you all have good points. I think she just maybe was clinging to us being partners or something. Like, she would joke about us being two spinsters who grow old in a house full of cats. and I was always like, "noooo! do not want!" and we'd laugh. but maybe she was only half kidding.

Honestly, she can be great and fun to hang out with. I just want her to be happy, but I guess she can only do that for herself. :/

[nodanaonlyzuul]

ahhhhhhh...when the voice of compassion becomes hoarse then mute...:rolleyes:

if you read what DW said, the time spent with this person has not at all decreased from the usual. Just because she happens to not be in the other room some days really isn't that big of a deal. It's a really silly thing to rag on someone about, and making them feel guilty about it is shitty.

I have no patience for manipulators.

[MC Moot]

^Well...I did read what she wrote…and nothing about it smacked of manipulation to me…just a common or somewhat standard reaction to a changing situation…when relationships are altered,inflection in personal disposition and demeanor should be expected if not counted upon…it's just humans being...

[nodanaonlyzuul]

if it's not manipulation it's selfishness.

[ms.peachy]

…just a common or somewhat standard reaction to a changing situation

For a child, maybe. An adult should know better and be able to say to themselves, "I should just grow the fuck up and quit whining."

[MC Moot]

For a child, maybe. An adult should know better and be able to say to themselves, "I should just grow the fuck up and quit whining."

Despite what you think they are many facets of life that are not comparable to child rearing..

[nodanaonlyzuul]

it sounds a lot like you are defending her friends actions because you would react in such a way yourself.

[miss soul fire]

I see most people as mean, really mean. They are just cruel and they want you to be in the most deep stage of depression. They want you to lose your job, they want your boyfriend to have lots of boyfriends and then leave you and take all your money, they want you to lose your dignity, they want your dog bites your ass.

I used to have a "friend" like that.(n)

If I kept being friends with her, I would end up like that!!!!! I'm sure.

[ms.peachy]

Despite what you think they are many facets of life that are not comparable to child rearing..

What I said has nothing to do with child rearing. It has to do with being an adult. I'm really quite surprised at the position you are taking in this, to be honest. I'm mystified as to why you feel the roommate's behavior is justifiable.

[insertnamehere]

im mystified as to why you two are arguing so hard

[ms.peachy]

Meh, I'm just not all that busy right now. Gotta do somethin' while I sit around drinking tea.

[MC Moot]

What I said has nothing to do with child rearing. It has to do with being an adult. I'm really quite surprised at the position you are taking in this, to be honest. I'm mystified as to why you feel the roommate's behavior is justifiable.

really?...how else should I interpret this?

See, this was a mistake. Trust me on this, I have a 3 year old. You cave once, it sends the message "ah, this is how I get the attention I want - I'll throw more of these tantrum things, they work!"

I don't think it's justifiable nor have I tried to defend it...I just tried to empathize with the human condition...I see nothing extraordinary in this situation...what actual offense has been incurred?...little to none I'd say it's just a period of personal adjustment...if it becomes continuous well then you have worry/issue...and someone usually moves out or the couple shacks up...that's my take...

[mickill]

I don't think it's justifiable nor have I tried to defend it...I just tried to empathize with the human condition...I see nothing extraordinary in this situation...what actual offense has been incurred?...little to none I'd say it's just a period of personal adjustment...if it becomes continuous well then you have worry/issue...and someone usually moves out or the couple shacks up...that's my take...

Do you know any people who aren't troubled teens?

[MC Moot]

^Actually you're pretty much the only troubled teen I'm familiar with,kid...

[mickill]

:p

[ms.peachy]

really?...how else should I interpret this?


Derrrrr. The first statement I made was about child-rearing, yes. But you referenced my second statement, which was not. I don't know how I can spell that out any more clearly for you.