Rifts with immediate family

[hpdrifter]

I know there are a few people here who have serious issues with members of their immediate family, in some cases this has lead to no contact and long-term separation.

If you like you can share what led to the separation but it isn't necessary. I'm most interested in how you deal with it day-to-day. Do you think about it? Do you feel like it was/is the right thing for you or do you feel guilty? Do you feel like you're missing something?

[NicRN77]

I haven't spoken with my father in over 2 years. Its kinda a long story. I do think about the relationship often...and sometimes get sad. But then I just think about what an ass he is and I feel better. My brother still remains in touch with him so occasionally I get a bit jealous...but having an awesome mom makes up for it.(y)

remember...just because they are family doesn't mean you have to like them.

[Fern]

I haven't spoken with my mother since Jan 1997. She is/ws an abusive drug addict. I have kinda a cold, business-like personality. When you have cancer, you get rid of it. I rarely think about her and the noncontact. This time of year, maybe a little more than not. But I couldn't even tell you the last time I thought of her before last week . . . . .

I feel that it was the right thing to do because she was dragging her down with her. She is garbage, and I have come to terms with it. I do feel that I am missing out on something to an extent, especially since my father died last year. I kinda feel like an orphan, but I just continue to move along. I don't feel guilty at all.

[MC Moot]

If you like you can share what led to the separation but it isn't necessary?

Addiction,mental health issues,dysfunction...

I'm most interested in how you deal with it day-to-day?

With great difficulty particularily around seasonal evenets...

Do you think about it?

Hell yeah...

Do you feel like it was/is the right thing for you or do you feel guilty?

Guilty with little or no path to redemption or reconcilliation...

Do you feel like you're missing something?

I know I am...
















































:(

[hpdrifter]

Thanks for sharing guys, it helps to know there are others out there.

I guess mine isn't as cut and dried as some here and maybe that's why it is confusing.

In some ways I would consider it abuse. At the very least definitely emotional blackmail, manipulation and dysfunction caused by untreated mental health issues.

I am trying to wrap my brain around the "just because they're family..." concept and intellectually I get it but... I don't know.

[Adam]

You can't choose your family but that is why you can choose your friends.

or something.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

This is going to be long even though it could be a lot longer. I figure though I should share if it might help in the sense that someone esle is going through something similar. And I've never said it publically, just privately amogst a small group of people.

So of course it's long story as to what led to me not speaking to my Father, but in a nutshell it was "tough" parenting in his mind when it was just flat out cruelty to normal people. I was a pretty good kid too. I had good grades, always did was I was told.

I was left stranded when I needed help for medical reasons. There were many, many more things. The final straw when I was, for no wrong doing on my end, kicked out and left standed. In fact I was doing quite well being in school paying for it myself out of pocket and working, and I did everything that was asked of me when I moved back in. Then he changed our agreement, set ridiculous restrictions (I was not allowed to go out other than to school or work except once a month, and I needed to get approval first) demanded more money from me, and because I didn't have it within 3 days, kicked me out of the house leaving me homeless. This was in late 2007.

I have a little brother so it made it hard not to speak to him but speaking to him was toxic to me. It brought on so much anger, anxiety, and hurt that when a good friend helped me move out of town and start over, I couldn't even be in the same city without having an emotional break down, let alone have communication. It was a very dark time in my life after that last event. Before my friend helped me I was in the process of signing myself in to a mental hospital so I didn't end up hurting myself.

I went almost a year without speaking to him or even calling him my Father. I was guilted in to speaking to him agian by my Mother, who would call me sobbing, begging me to speak to him again and come visit them on Christmas. When I told her that it brings me a lot of pain to even think about speaking to him, she responded with "I am crying everyday, I hate this, I want you two to talk. I will have to put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy on Christmas". When I asked her to consider my feelings about it too, how I have a panic attack when I even think about starting to speak to him, she glossed over that and continued to sob, saying she's miserable.

So I gave in. And I more so decided to speak to either of them because I wanted to see and speak to my little brother. Once he's old enough to get a hold of me and see me on his own, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I think I need a little bit more time to heal, but I'm sure my Mother will likely freak out again as she is extremely emotionally dependent. So I think it's likely that due to guilt I'll go ahead and keep up communication.

It's difficult because my parents had me at a very young age. Kids having kids. Obviously they did not have the greatest examples of parenting since their own parents had their own issues (or were not around). So in a lot of ways, when I see them I see them as children.

It actually helps put a lot of it in to perspective to consider their own past and their upbringing. It definitely will never stop hurting, but knowing and considering why they are the way the are makes it hurt a little less.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

Oh, and a lot of the time I do feel like I am missing something. There is so much focus on family be it the media, movies, or even amongst friends. But sometimes some of us just don't end up having supportive, relatively healthy families. And it's just a fact that I remind myself of and I just try to make the best with what I have.

A lot of my foundation has oriented from good friends instead. They feel a lot more like family to me in a lot of ways. And I've even had that area of my life turned upside as well, since my closest friend turned in to a emotionally manipulative drug addict. Thank god not every single one of my friends was like that, though. It shook me up certainly, but it was a very strong lesson.

In short, dealing with it on a day-to-day basis is about putting it in to perspective, keeping in mind their experiences to at least understand their behaivor (understand but not always forgive, because sometimes it's so severe that it cannot be forgiven), and learning from it. Learning from it is important so you don't allow people with similar personalities in to your life.

Having a hobby to throw yourself in to in order to express yourself doesn't hurt, either. :)

[Dorothy Wood]

I know there are a few people here who have serious issues with members of their immediate family, in some cases this has lead to no contact and long-term separation.

If you like you can share what led to the separation but it isn't necessary. I'm most interested in how you deal with it day-to-day. Do you think about it? Do you feel like it was/is the right thing for you or do you feel guilty? Do you feel like you're missing something?


I've been estranged from my father since I was around 10 I guess. I reestablished a connection when I was 21, and went to visit him, kept talking over the phone, etc. Then when I was 22 or 23, I just stopped talking to him. I've kind of forgotten why. It partly had to do with how demanding he was of my time, and how I didn't feel he deserved it. He'd call me almost every day, and I'm not a phone talker. I was like, "whoa bro, calm down, you can't make up for years lost, so stop trying to be my best friend."

then there was a letter involved that let me know he wasn't quite sane, so I just stopped talking to him.

I very rarely think of it. Even when I was a kid, I wasn't that sad to leave him. He was a mean person who hurt a lot of people, but I'm able to compartmentalize the good times we had and take them as they were and for what they were, rather than pine for them or even forget them.

I don't feel guilty, you reap what you sow. and I guess I've never had a traditional father figure, so I don't really know what I'm missing. All my friends growing up had dads who were weirdos and/or assholes, so I was always kinda glad to just have my mom, a very loving and sensible person. (y) (albeit a tad codependent at times).

[MC Moot]

This thread is making me blue...so...Who’s bad?…and who doesn’t really care? (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0r_DJPY1Js&NR=1&feature=fvwp)...

[hpdrifter]

Thanks again guys. I think nodana's story is closest to mine.

In a nutshell the riftee thinks I am the one with the problem which makes things hard because I don't think I am quite as bad as she wants me to believe I am. She's a martyr, narcissistic (sp?), controlling and manipulative and has untreated mental health issues (though she thinks it's me that's crazy as she's been fond of saying to me my whole life). So we had a massive blowout and I told her to leave me alone. She is my twin sister.

I've been seeing a counselor the past few months which helps. It's the second time in the last 5 years that I've gone to a counselor to help me manage this relationship. We did family counseling for awhile but the person in the hot seat at that time was our mom.

I guess for her the best defense is a good offense.

[Dorothy Wood]

my mom and her sister don't get along at all. my aunt is completely nuts. sometimes lovably so, but not to my mom. and my aunt thinks my mom is nuts. they're super-reactive to each other, the tension is palpable when they're in the same room.

honestly, I think they should both just get over it...but that's seemingly impossible. they're civil to each other, and live on opposite sides of the country, but basically avoid each other as much as possible.

good luck, don't feel guilty!

[Documad]

I strongly believe that I don't owe anyone something just because we are related by blood. That's probably easier for me to say -- I don't have a twin. You probably have more shared memories with your twin than I have with my brothers.

Normal people think it's odd to go years without talking to a sibling (or adult niece or nephew) who lives in your area. Most of the time I shrug it off, but sometimes I think how odd it is. I decided years ago that I prefer my friends to most of my family so why should I spend time with family at Christmas? I have nostalgia for the family I used to have when I was younger, but being with my present family won't fix that -- it's no substitute and would probably only bring up my deep resentment for things they did or failed to do for me and other family.

But it cuts both ways. I won't make an effort with two of my siblings because I've never thought of them as my responsibility--they're just completely off my radar. But I always made an effort with my mom, even when she was really toxic. That wasn't about her. That was about me needing to do what I needed to do so that I could live with myself.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

In a nutshell the riftee thinks I am the one with the problem which makes things hard because I don't think I am quite as bad as she wants me to believe I am. She's a martyr, narcissistic (sp?), controlling and manipulative and has untreated mental health issues (though she thinks it's me that's crazy as she's been fond of saying to me my whole life).

That sounds like my Father and my ex-best friend in one.

:(
It sucks. But as I mentioned, trying your best to understand her issues as it seems you are doing by going to counseling is probably the way to go. I also don't know what your situation is as far as how often you are around each other, but keeping communication at the bare minimum as you work through things sounds like it would be ideal.

It's not at all easy. But you're not alone.

[hpdrifter]

my mom and her sister don't get along at all. my aunt is completely nuts and my aunt thinks my mom is nuts. they're super-reactive to each other, the tension is palpable when they're in the same room.

they're civil to each other, and live on opposite sides of the country, but basically avoid each other as much as possible.


This is pretty much exactly my sister and I, or at least how it's evolved over the last few months. The problem for me is that I think she wants me to be something for her that I can't be. There have been times that I bought into it and tried but it's like a black hole, it's never enough, it's never the right thing. It is exactly like dealing with a co-dependent significant other.


But it cuts both ways. I won't make an effort with two of my siblings because I've never thought of them as my responsibility--they're just completely off my radar. But I always made an effort with my mom, even when she was really toxic. That wasn't about her. That was about me needing to do what I needed to do so that I could live with myself.

Same sitch with the sis (see above) and mom. I've tried really hard with my mom. But it hasn't gotten me anywhere either.


It sucks. But as I mentioned, trying your best to understand her issues as it seems you are doing by going to counseling is probably the way to go. I also don't know what your situation is as far as how often you are around each other, but keeping communication at the bare minimum as you work through things sounds like it would be ideal.

It's not at all easy. But you're not alone.

Yeah, counseling has been a godsend. I like this person I'm seeing now, I didn't so much like person I saw the first time. I am not sure why, they've both said the same things. The funny thing is I went to them both to try to fix what was wrong with me.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

Yeah, counseling has been a godsend. I like this person I'm seeing now, I didn't so much like person I saw the first time. I am not sure why, they've both said the same things. The funny thing is I went to them both to try to fix what was wrong with me.

Glad to hear. And yeah, being around a manipulative personality, they do all they can to make YOU feel bad and like YOU are in the wrong. It's how they are. Usually they are NEVER wrong, and/or they are ALWAYS the victim. And it's difficult to deal with because, especially when it's family, you start believing them until you seek the opinion of others and/or talk to a professional.

It's messed up how much family can warp our view of ourselves. I hope things get better or at the very least you get enough from counseling to better handle the situation.

[hpdrifter]

Glad to hear. And yeah, being around a manipulative personality, they do all they can to make YOU feel bad and like YOU are in the wrong. It's how they are. Usually they are NEVER wrong, and/or they are ALWAYS the victim. And it's difficult to deal with because, especially when it's family, you start believing them until you seek the opinion of others and/or talk to a professional.

It's messed up how much family can warp our view of ourselves. I hope things get better or at the very least you get enough from counseling to better handle the situation.

Totally! This is exactly what happened and the weird thing is for so many years I had no idea. I went through my whole life thinking there was something wrong with me and there was always this guilt, this failure.

It's still sort of new to me to be able to hold on to myself and not buy into it. Sometimes I am better at it than others. It's been about 6 months and when I think about it I really don't see a way to resolution, I am not sure we'll ever be more than casual ever again.

[ms.peachy]

Mr.p and I have a policy about our families. It's this: F all them crazy b's.

[hpdrifter]

I knew the holidays were going to be a problem because my sister is coming home (she lives in NYC generally). I just talked with my grandmother and she asked if my husband and I could come to a dinner with my sister the day after Christmas. I said I didn't think it would be the right scenario to see each other for the first time after 6 months of no contact. Especially since I'm not sure how she'll be. She could be completely hateful like she was the last time we spoke or she might keep it together to get through one dinner as a family. I don't know and I don't think I am ready to find out.

My grandma is disappointed, there are other rifts in the family among her children and I know these things make her very sad.

I feel guilty.

I don't know what to do with this. Maybe it's because it's getting close to the holidays but this is stressing me out more than normal. Combined with stress at work and the end of the quarter at school I can't sleep, I am constantly on the verge of tears. I just want to get through this week.

[monkey]

I had a terrible disconnect (not a rift, we just couldn't speak to each other, just yelled) with my mom for many, many years. Basically, from the time I was 12 or 13 on. We would have a few moments of civility, as I got older and tried to appease her. And then when she left (she now lives in a different country), it was almost the best possible situation cause we couldn't fight anymore.
And then I started to miss her. Because all in all, she wasn't a terrible mother, we just didn't get along. She was very young when she had me, and she thought the best way to take care of me was to be super controlling. She didn't appreciate the fact that I had a very strong will, and I didn't appreciate her efforts to control me. And when she couldn't control me, she decided to ignore me. She'd yell and punish me everytime I did something she considered wrong, and I would be angry because the only times my mom would even speak to me would be to tell me I was bad. I took a few years of me missing her for me to realize THAT. And then, I went to therapy, where I had to really realize that what the way she handled me throughout my teenage years was terribly hurtful to me, and I grew up with a twisted sense of who cared for me. Once I was able to face this for myself, I was encouraged to discuss it with her. I was scared, and it was risky because if she still thought everything she did was ok, then it was just another fight.
But when I spoke to her, she recognized her mistakes. She apologized. She told me about her point of view at the time, but she said that for years she had recognized that she had driven me away. And she made sure that I knew that she always loved me, it wasn't a question about that. It was just her issues that made it difficult for her to connect to me, and it took time and distance and therapy on both our parts to get us to talk about it.
Neither one of us can change the past and the way it's affected us. It SUCKS to think that maybe I could be a little different now had I had a healthy mother while growing up. But it's like we got a second chance and we can talk now, I have a mom whose advice has become invaluable to me. I can rely on her for support in a way I never realized I could. She's my biggest fan. hahaha.
It helped us so very much to have had outside help in coming to this point. It also helped that we took very uncomfortable steps in getting here and we had the balls to do it. And now I wish everyday she wasn't so far away.
I'm sure that if we were to live close to each other, we would still bicker. Old habits die hard, and we're terribly attached to own way of doing things. But the little things no longer mean that she doesn't care about me and would rather I disappear, and to her they no longer mean that I think she's the worst person ever. They're just normal disagreements between two very close women.

Basically, my story is that therapy helped me recognize the issue and see her point of view, and therapy helped her recognize her mistakes and see my point of view. Also, therapy helped the both of us be less crazy. I'm so very glad we got to that.

[MC Moot]

^thank you for your take Monkey...it makes me feel a glimmer of hope...

[hpdrifter]

Wow, thanks monkey. Me too. It really is nice to hear that someone was able to come to this place with the person they are at odds with. I am still not sure my sister will ever recognize her own role in this and stop blaming me for the whole thing but maybe there is hope...

[skra75]

I don't have any issues with my folks. They are alright, but then again they live far away and I"ve had to do shit on my own for a long, long time. When you are in survival mode, it gets easier to forgive people, becasue the alternative - holding a grudge or ignoring conflicts, ends up making you into a negative, surly fucker who brings everyone down. Rather than be that way I choose to go the good way and forgive people.

I still have a ways to go with forgiving some people in my live. But I can say I've grown closer to my once enemies and estranged friends by making them laugh, or getting them to laugh at my outwardly assholish sense of humor.

This world is a pretty fucked up place. And we're here for a very short time reletively speaking. It's nice to make amends and foster even half-baked, malfunctioned, or damaged relationships. sometimes shit works, sometimes it fails.

At the end of the day, you know the sun will set and tomorrow you'll get another day. But it's likely you only get another 50-70 years to enjoy that priveledge.