Do you count on your significant other to make your life better, or vice versa?

[Dorothy Wood]

or is that annoying to do/think/ask?

do men want a lady to help them make a nest, or do you prefer a bachelor pad?


I ask this because I'm slowly and stealthily redecorating my boyfriend's apartment...and helping him dress...and buying him footwear. etc.

So far he's acted super-appreciative, but I wonder if there's a limit?


also, I would say I'm not so much counting on him, but appreciative of his help in making me a happier, or more well-adjusted person. (he's very sweet and positive, I'm bitter and negative).


(!)

[cosmo105]

Hmm. I like cooking for my boyfriend and buying him things and doing his laundry, and he loves getting me things I need and doing the dishes for me, but I long ago stopped trying to "improve" him or his life. He's sorta set in his ways, as am I, and we get along just fine doing our own things. Sure I'll get him a new sweater or something, or give him an ironing board because he didn't have one. He desperately needs some new shirts and a nice suit and just all-around business attire. I've offered to take him shopping and help him find things. But he's his own man with his own tastes and habits and I'd never try to change that about him. Just as I am a messy person with way too many clothes that I don't wear, and he never makes a fuss over it or tries to make me change. We are who we are.

I think since your relationship is young he's taking it with a smile, but I'd lay off some. I know your intentions are good, but I guarantee he'll get tired of it.

[MC Moot]

I like that the towels in my bathroom now match...
I like that I now have multiple bed sheets/set's...
I like when she brings me my antique shaving bowl and brush,nuff said...
I still don't like sweaters despite her fondness of me in sweaters...
I still do my own laundry...
I still clean my own bathroom even though she's snatched up medicine cabinet and closet real-estate with no money down or lease signed...

[Adam]

Yeah, stop the re-decorating. When he can't find his pr0n he'll have to take it out you (!)

[Dorothy Wood]

Hmm. I like cooking for my boyfriend and buying him things and doing his laundry, and he loves getting me things I need and doing the dishes for me, but I long ago stopped trying to "improve" him or his life. He's sorta set in his ways, as am I, and we get along just fine doing our own things. Sure I'll get him a new sweater or something, or give him an ironing board because he didn't have one. He desperately needs some new shirts and a nice suit and just all-around business attire. I've offered to take him shopping and help him find things. But he's his own man with his own tastes and habits and I'd never try to change that about him. Just as I am a messy person with way too many clothes that I don't wear, and he never makes a fuss over it or tries to make me change. We are who we are.

I think since your relationship is young he's taking it with a smile, but I'd lay off some. I know your intentions are good, but I guarantee he'll get tired of it.

Oh, I'm not really trying to change him or anything, I like the way he dresses. I guess I'm helping him find clothes he likes, or I'll tell him when something looks dumb (when he asks). I'm pretty flexible though, I asked him to dress up for a holiday cocktail party the other day, and he showed up wearing plaid pants, a green penguin polo with white piping, and a brown lacoste cardigan. Goofy? yes, but also adorable. it's not like I'm trying to make him wear skinny jeans. although, it would be nice to see him wear a size smaller in cords.

as for the household, I got a new sage green bedspread blanket thing (for me, to use at his, I said). but we decided to put it on the couch (which is actually a maroon futon :( ), and though it's not perfect, I'm pleased as punch to not be looking at that maroon canvas anymore.

I think he and I have pretty similar taste, actually. I mean, I would love to re-do his bathroom, but I wouldn't make him get rid of all his plastic frogs or anything.

ha. or the clown heads on top of the fridge. :(

[Dorothy Wood]

Yeah, stop the re-decorating. When he can't find his pr0n he'll have to take it out you (!)


well, I wouldn't hide anyone's pr0n!

I'm not talking heavy-duty. I'm talking stealth mission, make him think it's his idea type thing. :cool:

[MC Moot]

I think he and I have pretty similar taste, actually. I mean, I would love to re-do his bathroom, but I wouldn't make him get rid of all his plastic frogs or anything. :(

she got me a rubber duck and a set of battleships...so I accepted the addition of the epsom salt jar,aromatheraphy candles,the iron,the diffuser and a hot water bottle...win,win...

[Dorothy Wood]

alright, sounds like a bit of feminine luxury can be somewhat welcomed. heh. thanks moot. (y)

I think I'll calm down on the improvements all the same, I'm still basking in the glow of my boot victory. He was against getting boots, but I found some that suited him, not my top choice as far as warmth and durability...but they'll keep his feet drier than sneakers. and he keeps getting compliments on them.

http://www.zappos.com/images/z/9/5/9/959106-p-2x.jpg

[jabumbo]

moots girl has callousy feet!


i never really minded the fashion advice, mostly because i have none myself, so getting myself done up a little nicer for work was a bonus. and really, i didn't mind a lot of the little changes. as long as she didn't expect me to upkeep some of those items, it really didn't bother me

[Guy Incognito]

ok, so i was thinking of starting a thread about something but this seems like as good a place as any.

at first my wife did everything and i didnt mind, i had no direction or motivation or ideas about anything and she helped me with all that until we became a team really.
then when she had "psychiatric problems" i had to step it up, now its not like i care for her 24/7 but she is very up and down, and i have to do lions share of stuff round the house for the kids cos she is very low on motivation at lot of the time, she's getting better but its a slow process and its very hard sometimes when i do everything and she hardly speaks or acknowledges what i am doing on some days but knowing thats shes getting better and the feeling of looking after the kids and knowing i am helping the wife and kids thru this life is a very good one. when i wrote it like that it sounds a lot worse than it is and i only get down about it very fleetingly.
i know this is a little bit off topic but it sorta fits

[nodanaonlyzuul]

Just as I am a messy person with way too many clothes that I don't wear, and he never makes a fuss over it or tries to make me change. We are who we are.


parallel as usual.

DW my suggestion would be just not to get to the point of being a replacement Mother. That would be bad for him AND yourself. I've done that and ended up paying the butthole's bills and rent, too, on top of doing everything else for him. Not to say that you would, but keep an eye on that 'line'. :)

Also I count a lot on my boyfriend for happiness. I was going down a bad path self destructive before I met him. I used to think it was bad for me to ever rely on anyone for happiness, but then I don't think I was a strong enough of a person to be as emotionally healthy alone as I am now with him. Even if we break up one day, I'm always going to be a better person because of him.

And if there is something wrong with that, I don't care. :o

[paul jones]

I helped my ex with car repairs and stuff and she is a cunt(y)

[Dorothy Wood]

parallel as usual.

DW my suggestion would be just not to get to the point of being a replacement Mother. That would be bad for him AND yourself. I've done that and ended up paying the butthole's bills and rent, too, on top of doing everything else for him. Not to say that you would, but keep an eye on that 'line'. :)

Also I count a lot on my boyfriend for happiness. I was going down a bad path self destructive before I met him. I used to think it was bad for me to ever rely on anyone for happiness, but then I don't think I was a strong enough of a person to be as emotionally healthy alone as I am now with him. Even if we break up one day, I'm always going to be a better person because of him.

And if there is something wrong with that, I don't care. :o

yeah, I don't want to date a child, that's for sure. I do have mothering tendencies though. or maybe they're control issues...hmmm. I dunno, I think I just care for him so much, I just want him to be healthier and more comfortable all around. and sometimes boys are silly about what they eat and wear. and sometimes they use soap that's bad for their skin. etc. etc.


I'm not too worried, just wanted to get opinions. I was just wondering about it because I know some couples have really different ideas about how things should be done, and fight about it. but then I thought maybe some men like the help, or the care-taking aspects of a relationship....

[DipDipDive]

We're both opinionated people. Boyfriend wore a Hawaiian shirt the other day (sort of as a joke, but nonetheless...) and I was crying inside. I'm pretty sure he thinks leggings, which I wear all the time, are silly. But neither of us says anything because we know eachother well enough to know that what the other person says isn't going to stop either of us from doing what we want to do.

I despise the idea of becoming a nagging, overbearing girlfriend, so I generally don't offer my opinion unless asked. Even then, I'm super reluctant to say anything and I'm very careful with my words when I do. Not long into our relationship he said he'd like me to help him find some new jeans and I was like "meeeeehhhhhh..." The mental image of me standing outside the dressing room and having him model jeans for me and telling him to try this size or that color and all that silly bullshit totally grosses me out. I don't want to be that girl.

He doesn't need my help anyways. I like the way he dresses. :o

I think maybe in the future (should we have one together), we could potentially have differing opinions when it comes to home decor. It's hard to tell because he has like nothing in his house, but it's always super clean and inviting so I have no complaints about how he lives. Neither of us are in a hurry to live with another person anyways, so I barely think about.

I don't expect or rely on him to make my life better, he just does. I feel really good when I'm around him and it's a feeling that only he can give me. I need him in the sense that I want that positive, fulfilling sensation and he's the one who makes me feel it, but I don't need him. We're both super independent people who happen to love eachother's company. (y)

All of this is totally subjective. If you enjoy helping your dude out and he appreciates it, then good on both of you. Don't be concerned unless he gives you a reason to be.

[TurdBerglar]

just let the guy be


he's not a toy or a foo foo dog that you put in silly outfits

[Dorothy Wood]

We're both opinionated people. Boyfriend wore a Hawaiian shirt the other day (sort of as a joke, but nonetheless...) and I was crying inside. I'm pretty sure he thinks leggings, which I wear all the time, are silly. But neither of us says anything because we know eachother well enough to know that what the other person says isn't going to stop either of us from doing what we want to do.

I despise the idea of becoming a nagging, overbearing girlfriend, so I generally don't offer my opinion unless asked. Even then, I'm super reluctant to say anything and I'm very careful with my words when I do. Not long into our relationship he said he'd like me to help him find some new jeans and I was like "meeeeehhhhhh..." The mental image of me standing outside the dressing room and having him model jeans for me and telling him to try this size or that color and all that silly bullshit totally grosses me out. I don't want to be that girl.

He doesn't need my help anyways. I like the way he dresses. :o

I think maybe in the future (should we have one together), we could potentially have differing opinions when it comes to home decor. It's hard to tell because he has like nothing in his house, but it's always super clean and inviting so I have no complaints about how he lives. Neither of us are in a hurry to live with another person anyways, so I barely think about.

I don't expect or rely on him to make my life better, he just does. I feel really good when I'm around him and it's a feeling that only he can give me. I need him in the sense that I want that positive, fulfilling sensation and he's the one who makes me feel it, but I don't need him. We're both super independent people who happen to love eachother's company. (y)

All of this is totally subjective. If you enjoy helping your dude out and he appreciates it, then good on both of you. Don't be concerned unless he gives you a reason to be.

Ha, my dude loves it when I wear leggings. I think he wishes that's all I wore. and helping a guy pick out jeans is my favorite thing ever. well, that's taking it a little far...the fantasy started in high school, but it's actually kind of a pain if the boy doesn't respect your opinion (i.e. my college boyfriend who wanted to be a frat boy).

I really don't need to change anything about my boyfriend's way of dressing. He pretty much looks cute all the time. He just sometimes asks for a second opinion.

I was mostly talking about changing his household, because it is awfully soon in the relationship. Just wanted to gauge people's thoughts.

I think I'm alright, I put up some hooks in the bathroom last night and this morning he was like, "those hooks are amazing!" and then I looked at the outfit he was putting on and I was like, "you look sooo cute". barf-o-rama

as for you and your man, ddd, that sounds pretty cute and awesome. :p



just let the guy be


he's not a toy or a foo foo dog that you put in silly outfits

oh turd. I don't put silly outfits on dogs. what if I told you I fixed a guitar that a friend loaned him? well, I did. a wire came loose inside the thingy where you plug in the amp cord. so I fixed/rigged that shit, yo. he was about to give up because he didn't have a soldering iron, but I was all, "no way dude, get me scissors, a screwdriver and electrical tape, blam!" his fingers woulda been too big to do what I did.


I wish I could make a living off of fixing stuff. it's my favorite thing to do.

[MC Moot]

Looking around my place, last night, I realized just all the little influences she’s brought to it…crafty containers to hold my pens,markers,brushes,etc…a vintage tool box,window treatments and the shear draping of things!...I’ve been bamboozled!

[Adam]

Soon lamps will start appearing in his bedroom.

Then a rug.

[MC Moot]

^She's been shopping for 6' X 8' persian knock off recently...I kid you not...I didn't even to think to ask her where it was for...but I have this straw mat that's falling apart in the foyer...it's becoming so clear to me now...I'm now wide awake to this assimilation attempt...:D

[Adam]

When you walk in your house and strangers are measuring walls and they start wondering if its a supporting wall or not - that is about the time to start paying attention.

Or listen for the pillow talk of "you know would be great? A conservatory" <-- Thats not a pipe dream, thats a half proposed plan.

[MC Moot]

^ maybe it's to late for me bro...cause you said conservatory and I thought "how cool would that be,I could grow prize orchids,heritage tomatos and breed butterfly's"...of course we'd take tea at 3 after the string quartet arrives...

[cookiepuss]

#1: You should never allow anyone to be responsible for your hapiness. period. you need to be able to be secure that you CAN/know how to make yourself happy.

#2: It's ok to allow someone else to make you happy or receive/share joy with them. however you guys do that with each other is cool.

But I strongly feel that if all your hapiness is derived/dependent on one person, you will eventually be dissapointed or let down by them. It's a lot for any one person to live up to, especially over time.

[Guy Incognito]

^ yes mam. good advice(y)

[yeahwho]

Do I count on my significant other to make my life better or vice versa?

Bitch better, I'm a natural elevator going up, everybody rides with Otis.

[Knuckles]

alright, sounds like a bit of feminine luxury can be somewhat welcomed. heh. thanks moot. (y)

I think I'll calm down on the improvements all the same, I'm still basking in the glow of my boot victory. He was against getting boots, but I found some that suited him, not my top choice as far as warmth and durability...but they'll keep his feet drier than sneakers. and he keeps getting compliments on them.

http://www.zappos.com/images/z/9/5/9/959106-p-2x.jpg

I'm liking those boots. (y)

[ms.peachy]

I don't imagine I'd have married him if I was expecting him to make my life worse...

[skra75]

in moderation, it's cute. too much of it two things are likely happen A) he'll think you're his Mom and regress and turn into a baby-ish douche B) he'll think you're trying to weasel in and be his wife and if he's not ready for that he'll be sore about it.

after reading your story I personally feel that what you're doing sounds annoying. Guys do shit women will never, ever understand. Some guys have no idea that they need to own more than like 2 pairs of shoes and wear the same shoes over and over again. Girls can't sweep in like Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and switch up their wardrobe or bad habits, they are the way they are, they must evolve slowly and on their own terms.

[DipDipDive]

^ Concise. (y)

But I'm sure every man appreciates a bit of feminine insight in regards to these matters, and to varying degrees. Maybe some need the help/welcome the assistance more than others?

[cosmo105]

I got my man a shirt today as an early xmas gift (it was on super sale :cool: (y)) and he totally loved it. And it looks super cute on him. Buuuut it's from a store he regularly shops at and in a style he usually buys. :o

[nodanaonlyzuul]

I got my man a shirt for Christmas, but it's within his style. It's a Death Row T-Shirt. (y)

Now that I think about it a bit more, stick with what they like, unless they directly ask for insight.

[Dorothy Wood]

in moderation, it's cute. too much of it two things are likely happen A) he'll think you're his Mom and regress and turn into a baby-ish douche B) he'll think you're trying to weasel in and be his wife and if he's not ready for that he'll be sore about it.

after reading your story I personally feel that what you're doing sounds annoying. Guys do shit women will never, ever understand. Some guys have no idea that they need to own more than like 2 pairs of shoes and wear the same shoes over and over again. Girls can't sweep in like Queer Eye For The Straight Guy and switch up their wardrobe or bad habits, they are the way they are, they must evolve slowly and on their own terms.


well, he has a lot of shoes. and he likes shopping and clothes. I don't think I'm annoying him with that part.

I bought him a hoodie recently that he fell in love with, but it was too small. they didn't have any bigger ones in that style, so I got him a different one...but wasn't positive he'd like it. he tried it on last night and was like, "hmm, yeah, I mean, it's pretty good, it's okay." and I was like, "you can say you don't like it, I can take it back, I'm not trying to trick you and I'm not going to get offended."

it's funny how guys assume that girls are just going to get mad all the time. I don't care if he didn't like it, it looked better on the hanger. I wasn't emotionally attached to it or him liking it. *shrugs*

I also said something about my butt shrinking because of lack of riding my bike, and he was like, "oh, don't think I didn't notice." and I was like, "what? how? wait, what do you mean?" and what followed was just a stupid series of misunderstandings until I said, "this is a ridiculous conversation, let's just stop talking." ha.


anyway, to the topic, I think it's perfectly acceptable for me to want to make his house more practical and girl-friendly, since I spend like 4 nights a week there. but I can see how taking it too far might be annoying.

[ms.peachy]

I think it's perfectly acceptable for me to want to make his house more practical and girl-friendly

The question though isn't whether you think it's acceptable, but whether he does. Don't assume the fact that you sleep over there sometimes entitles you to do anything - it's still his place. Is your name on the lease? Encroach on that at your peril. What you're doing may be perfectly fine with him, or, it may not, none of us can say. Tread carefully.

[Dorothy Wood]

The question though isn't whether you think it's acceptable, but whether he does. Don't assume the fact that you sleep over there sometimes entitles you to do anything - it's still his place. Is your name on the lease? Encroach on that at your peril. What you're doing may be perfectly fine with him, or, it may not, none of us can say. Tread carefully.

eep! this sounds so ominous!

honestly, I'm not trying to change anything really, just make it better. I think my suggestions/additions are pretty benign and generally helpful: Hooks in the bathroom, properly hung artwork, an oven mitt, a comfier seating area, a cool lamp to illuminate his "museum" of "artifacts", practical footwear, and a decent haircut.

I'm putting my mark on things, sure, but only because I spend so much time there. I think it's fair for me to like to be comfortable in my surroundings. I'm still tripping over guitar cases and squeamishly bearing stepping out of the shower onto a rugless tile floor. I haven't completely taken over.


meh, I guess I'm just insecure about my behavior, always second-guessing. he hasn't given me any indication that what I've been doing is wrong. I'm more just wondering aloud. I just don't want him to think I'm doing things because I don't think he's good enough the way he is. because I think he's great, he's the cutest nicest man that ever existed! I love every square inch of him.

I think maybe we're being very careful with each other, trying to figure things out and/or not fuck things up, and any tension or bad feelings going on are borne out of that insecurity.

[Adam]

it's funny how guys assume that girls are just going to get mad all the time.

I also said something about my butt shrinking because of lack of riding my bike ... what followed was just a stupid series of misunderstandings

(!)

[Dorothy Wood]

:confused:


what?

I wasn't mad. I was confused. I just noticed my pants seemed baggy in the butt and said, "my butt shrunk".

I wasn't trying to be like, "my butt shrunk, did you notice?!"

but I think he assumed that was my angle. so, then every comment afterward was misconstrued.

[Randetica]

a guy would actually give me a life and with luck would put some life into my belly aswell

[Adam]

would put some life into my belly aswell

Not a good way to get a guy

[Adam]

:confused:


what?

I wasn't mad. I was confused. I just noticed my pants seemed baggy in the butt and said, "my butt shrunk".

I wasn't trying to be like, "my butt shrunk, did you notice?!"

but I think he assumed that was my angle. so, then every comment afterward was misconstrued.

I assumed the same angle to. But a guy doesn't notice stuff, like other day some1 said I lost weight and I thought yeah, I probably have with training more. It was pointed out by a couple of others to. So if they are half as oblivious as me even on my own size then you can't expect him to notice small changes in your butt.

[Randetica]

Not a good way to get a guy

i dont want a guy anyway, i want THE guy

[Dorothy Wood]

I assumed the same angle to. But a guy doesn't notice stuff, like other day some1 said I lost weight and I thought yeah, I probably have with training more. It was pointed out by a couple of others to. So if they are half as oblivious as me even on my own size then you can't expect him to notice small changes in your butt.


I didn't expect him to notice, I just stood up from the couch and said it, because my pants slipped down a bit on account of my butt losing some bubble.

I think the problem lies in the stereotype that women are always worried that their butts are too big. Personally, I like my butt a lot, and even more when it's bigger, because it gets bigger when I work out and looks awesome.

I'm a very straightforward person, I would never get mad at anyone for not noticing something. He notices and gets a kick out of things about me that I wouldn't even consider noticeable.


anyway, I'm not liking this game of "don't piss him/her off". I'm just gonna try to keep being myself, and encourage him to do the same.

[Jack Donaghy]

Woods, its just a matter of time when you'll be wondering where your pink robe is and find its around your boyfriend whose sitting on the couch crying to himself because the DVR didn't record Sex in the City.

[Dorothy Wood]

ohhhkay.

well, awesome to know that aliases can predict the future.

I'm sure looking forward to that pink robe and DVR!

I can't wait!