People who Commiserate

[yeahwho]

I was reading that other thread about those that have happiness issues through co-dependency and it dawned on me that everybody in any relationship has some sort of inter-dependency issues or WTF? I mean isn't that the point in relationships... to workout issues and get on with some level of comfort and happiness.

But recently I've been noticing the other style of relationships developing, the commiserate relationship. The relationship doomed to failure because the one binding factor of the relationship is all the bad luck the two in that relationship can relate to.

How do people end up in this sad sack state of affairs, where there love is based on being victims of bad things, then they feed upon each other to empathize the negativity of their relationship and how everyone around them just don't understand..

Do you know any couples or people who fit that description? It's depressing as hell to watch happen....

Advise

[Documad]

I don't have anything helpful--I haven't had a romantic relationship like that and it's not a dynamic in my family.

But I had one really close friendship like that years ago and I tend to fall into that once in a while with a work friend. It's unhealthy and I never seem to see it when it's starting. I often only notice it once it's over. Like when someone leaves work and then you suddenly realize that she was bringing the whole team down and you're happier without her even though she was your friend.

Not what you're going for though.

[Adam]

I can imagine those types of couples. And at work - yes they are about.

Like many here I'm prone to depression but I know the signs and can often fight it off - in fact I'm pretty sure that is just part of the human condition anyway and there is nothing wrong with most of us... but anyway... yeah, those at work who drag you down always say they are gonna leave and its the worse job in the world and they are the busiest in the world when in fact they can't get through the work because all they do it talk about it. But they don't leave, they are the longest serving person there and have never earned promotion because they suck at life.

I'm sure there are relationships like that to - but if two of the same kind who are like that get together it stops two other poor saps who might end up in a relationship with one of them being dragged down to their level.

Happy Christmas.

[cosmo105]

My first serious boyfriend and I were like that, and it took three miserable years for me to crawl out of it. Never. Again.

[yeahwho]

My first serious boyfriend and I were like that, and it took three miserable years for me to crawl out of it. Never. Again.

How did you break the cycle? Wasn't it painfully obvious that you both were at best just breaking even? I currently am forced to hear about (from my family) my sisters lame ass boyfriend on a daily basis. It's been over three years and all I can figure is it is a self esteem problem with her. The boyfriend is just stupid, literally he is whipped and dumb as a box of rocks. Maybe she has control issues.

She broke up with him for a half a year and was completely happy. Now they have resumed this nightmare and her motivation has become 0. It's frustrating as hell to watch. I have been most tempted to offer some physically motivated threats to this guy. Because I really think he's too dumb to know any sort of open thinking.

I know I'm powerless over effecting any change, I keep thinking I can say the right thing to motivate her to look at herself in a different light.

Something has to give because as little as I am around them (once, twice a week or HOLIDAYS) I just want to scream at them to fucking knock off the victim bullshit that feeds their lousy relationship.

Instead I'm quiet and humor their sorry asses. They always have dumbass comebacks.

[Adam]

I think in some ways people in that situation need to want to change or they may just dig their heels in more and that is what life has dealt them and they live with it

[yeahwho]

I think in some ways people in that situation need to want to change or they may just dig their heels in more and that is what life has dealt them and they live with it

I feel like I'm enabling an unhealthy relationship by being so passive. I'm not used to seeing something like this and it is really the first time I've experienced such an odd depressing scenario. They both always have their guards up and never contribute anything positive, like favors, compliments or even humor. It's really all about focusing on themselves and their daily dose of "poor us".