I've left my husband

[hpdrifter]

I don't know what happened, it just came out of nowhere. We were talking yesterday and it all just came spilling out, all of the pain, all of the fear. It was like I couldn't stop it, I said things I've been trying to say for years. We were at the mall for christsakes and I was having this epiphany in the no man's land between the Body Shop and Express Men.

[Waus]

Wow.

What pain and fears specifically led you to this course of action?

[hpdrifter]

He makes some really poor choices for himself that expose our nascent family to unnecessary risk.

Long story short I want to have a baby at some point and I can't trust him to look after himself let alone me and a baby.

[MC Moot]

so very sad...lo siento...:(



























*I may have been that guy at one time...divorce flashback*

[ms.peachy]

I'm really sorry. Sometimes things just don't work out. Doesn't make it any less painful, but it's true. And it's good that you see this now, rather than having a baby and hoping that will 'be a wake up call' for him to change. Stay strong (but cry a whole lot sometimes too, if that's what you feel like you want to do.)

[hpdrifter]

This is both harder and easier than I thought it would be. He's a wreck, I haven't eaten or slept in two days. I feel guilty, like a failure even though I know in my heart it's the right thing to do. We are just not right for each other, we have totally different values. But I loved him so much, I was so blind. I can't believe I glossed over it, that I didn't think it would be a problem.

Thank god my appointment with my therapist is tonight, I don't know how I am going to get through the days receiving text after text, voicemail after voicemail about how brokenhearted he is and how I am cruel and torturing him. I don't want to hurt him but I can't wait around forever for him to fuck around and figure it out.

[hpdrifter]

That's what he keeps telling me, things will be different when we have a baby. I'm just like, are you serious?!??! The thing is, he already has a child and his behavior didn't change that much when that happened. It's slowed down significantly in the 5 years I've been with him but I am 33, I don't have another 5 years for the trajectory to reach net zero.

God, I was so naive, I really believed him when he said it would stop at some point. I really believed him when he said he was more like me than I knew. That I didn't have to worry.

[Rock]

Sucky. But you'll be alright eventually. Like peachy said, better now than later. Sorry.

[hpdrifter]

It is so hard because I know he is so miserable and I didn't want to do that to him or me. He keeps sending me texts saying how awful I am, I just got another one a few minutes ago saying that I am evil. Evil!

I think last night I got 30 phone calls and maybe 50 text messages running the gamut from I love you please come home to I hate you, you're disgusting.

[hpdrifter]

Rock, please tell me it's going to be okay, you've been through this. He's freaking out and I'm trying to be strong but this is awful. I thought he'd calm down after last night be he isn't and it's really scaring me.

[yeahwho]

Stark raving reality. I have entered more than a few relationships thinking I would be the one to change the other person, sadly to find I could hardly embrace any change in myself let alone somebody else.

That is pretty intense. You know what you want though and you also know when you want it. Keep strong, I'm so sorry this didn't work out for you the way you expected.

[Echewta]

I don't know much about your relationship but if he is texting you that you are evil and about the pain you are causing him, thats kind of a sign to leave. If he was trying to see what could be done, can we go to counceling together, baby I really love you, perhaps we just need a break, etc. then it would be perhaps worth it to fix.

Divorce, no matter how amicable, is not fun and it will take some serious time to heal. Right on for seeing someone about it.

[hpdrifter]

That's how I've started to feel, the more psycho he acts the more sure I am this is the right thing to do.

I can't take care of him right now but he needs someone, do you think it would be appropriate of me to call his mom? I told him I was going to if he didn't calm down and he asked me not to.

[Burnout18]

sorry to hear that, but im sure he has emotions he has never experienced before either and doesnt know how to respond to them and maybe thats why you are getting a wide range of texts.

[Echewta]

Hes a grown man. You are a grown woman. Both, espcially since you don't have children, should be able to take care of yourself. He can call his own mom, family, friends, whoever he needs.

He's pushing you away by acting immature but by you wanting to take care of him, sounds like you may be falling into a trap. Is he worried that you may need help?

Take care of yourself and realize you are number 1. Your happiness is whats most important.

[hpdrifter]

Well I feel pretty strong considering. He's begging me to come home, he is in hysterics. I'm getting like three texts a minute, I can't even respond they're coming so fast. But if anything it is sending me the other way, I am not inclined to talk to him or see him at all because of it.

I am not shocked by this reaction, it is sort of what I expected. But that doesn't make it any easier. My sense is he's acting like a child and throwing a tantrum because he isn't getting what he wants. The sad part is he doesn't see it, he doesn't even realize how manipulative he's being.

[Echewta]

I'm glad, for your sake, that you do see it.

[yeahwho]

It's hard to believe this just came out of nowhere, unless you are a glutton for stuffing your own feelings so far inside that they only come out in a jolt of energy at the mall.

There must be something more than that, I mean it would be unusual to all of a sudden decide you are on a completely different path than your husband just walking by a Banana Republic store and stuff.

Don't you think? This must of been happening for awhile and you mentally suppressed the one thing that bothered you right up to the brink. He must of known he was bugging you in some way.

[hpdrifter]

Yeah, it's been on my mind every second of every day for the past year. You should know that, I emailed you a few times about it.

There was a tipping point. Two things in the last month, I'd rather not elaborate here.

I shoved it down because he wouldn't talk to me about it. He insisted there wasn't a problem. I knew it was percolating, I knew it was coming. If he didn't then he chose to ignore it.

[ericlee]

You're doing the right thing. Your husband sounds like the asshole I used to be. I was doing coke, smoking pot everyday, drinking everyday and almost always didn't have a dime to my name.

My girlfriend of three years that I loved very much just couldn't take it and she left me. I was just so selfish and blind to who I was and how I took everything for granted.

When she left me, it was a huge reality check. I decided that my behavior was over the line and that's when I joined the army to straighten myself out.

Not saying he should join the army but you leaving him will definitely open his eyes up. As everyone else said, you shouldn't go back to him after how he's acting.

I pretty much acted the same way when my girlfriend dumped me. Constantly calling her, doing the whole love you- hate you etc. She didn't accept and I definitely didn't deserve to have her back.

Certainly, you're strong enough to handle this and I'd call his mom and the cops if he happens to do anything stupid.

[yeahwho]

my bad, I just thought things were going along at a good clip because I hadn't really heard anything from ya.

Sounds like you'll be really out to lunch and a bit disconcerted for a few months. I would be going nuts if someone I was trying to leave was continually texting, calling, demanding shit from me.

I can't stand texting even when I have to text. If someone was doing that to me the phone would be off. That's why I pay the big $$ for the service to pick and choose how I use the phone, not how someone maniacally pesters me.

[hpdrifter]

ericlee: how long did it take you to figure it out?

I will not hesitate to get anyone and everyone involved to keep this transition moving and preserve my safety.

[NicRN77]

:( What a rough situation you're in right now. Like the others, I'm happy to see you saw the signs before having a child. A child never fixes any relationship.

I'm sure your therapist will have lots of good info and coping skills for you tonight. Be strong!

[ericlee]

ericlee: how long did it take you to figure it out?

I will not hesitate to get anyone and everyone involved to keep this transition moving and preserve my safety.

It took about a year and I had a real heart to heart with myself and changed it. If I would have stayed with her I would still be where I was.

[ericlee]

I mean, I figure we weren't meant for each other after a month but as far as the drug abuse and shit, it took a year to figure out I needed to change that.

[camo]

I'm glad, for your sake, that you do see it.

Exactly.

Hey, you know where I am.

[mickill]

I suppose this does seem like as good a place as any to make your move, camo.

[camo]

I suppose this does seem like as good a place as any to make your move, camo.

Yeah man, I'm gunning for the douchebag of the year crown right in front of you all.

Me and HPD speak a lot. That is all.

[hpdrifter]

Thanks guys, keep the words coming, I am living in my car right now, I wish I could be in this thread in the heat of the night when the anxiety and the goddamn phone is the worst.

It really helps having all this positive reinforcement. I don't know, I half expected people to flame me and tell me I'm a failure and I'm giving up and I'm a horrible horrible person.

I got a friend to come with me to my house so I can get some more clothes, I only brought one outfit for work today. Hopefully with someone else there he won't make a scene and try to talk to me about it again.

[mickill]

Yeah man, I'm gunning for the douchebag of the year crown right in front of you all.

Me and HPD speak a lot. That is all.

Relax dude.

[camo]

Relax dude.

hahaa I wasn't out of my chair.

Sorry, I should have emoticon'd it :rolleyes:

[Guy Incognito]

im not very good at advice but just wanted to echo some stuff on here. stay positive (although you do sound a lot more positive than most people in this situation). he needs to work it all out for himself and it doesnt sound like he'll get there quickly from what you have said. but echewta had it right, make sure you make yourself number one priority and things will work out the best for you.

i dont know whether i should say this or not but this all could have come out just before, during or just after having a baby and speaking from experience a pregnancy with extra stress can be a very hard thing to deal with so its best its happened now if thats what you were planning.

keep chill:)

[DandyFop]

Hp, you sound much more grounded and head-clear than a lot of people I've known to be in similar situations. GOOD FOR YOU. You are really making the right choice, and as everyone's said, it's made even more obvious by how he's reacting to the whole thing.

Do you have friends you can stay with so you don't have to live out of your car? That sounds pretty stressful. I know you might not want to ask but...do it. That's what friends are there for.

[Echewta]

Playing Xbox is a great way to relieve stress.

[gbsuey]

Jesus, that sounds horrible, those texts i mean, i hope you're not getting too stressed out.....you do sound incredibly sorted and if you know this is the right decision you've been so brave. I'm in the same-ish situation as you, but with the kids, so i haven't left as yet. Doubtless i'll get the hate but i know i don't deserve it and like you, have been tempted to spill all to his mum. Look after yourself, get a place to stay and be strong.

[hpdrifter]

The xbox and the wii are his. :(

There's a bit of a respite now but I'm sure it'll start all over again when he realizes I am not coming home tonight or ever. I am not ready to start telling people yet so I am not sure I'm ready to ask anyone for help, though my friends know it's been coming and have offered. I just want to get through the first few days, find my sea legs and get my head straight before I have to talk to people about it.

[Guy Incognito]

The xbox and the wii are his. :(

There's a bit of a respite now but I'm sure it'll start all over again when he realizes I am not coming home tonight or ever. I am not ready to start telling people yet so I am not sure I'm ready to ask anyone for help, though my friends know it's been coming and have offered. I just want to get through the first few days, find my sea legs and get my head straight before I have to talk to people about it.

i think you should talk to at least one friend you know really well, i think that would help your head straightening process.

[hpdrifter]

There's one person I trust, I might call her. I might need some strength tonight, it's only going to get worse. He doesn't seem to want to accept it, he's sending messages now like it's all going to go back to normal.

Maybe I should start telling a few of our close friends so they can rally around him and help him through it. He's going to be a nightmare, he was when his last girlfriend broke up with him. Which is when I found him.

[mickill]

He's going to be a nightmare, he was when his last girlfriend broke up with him. Which is when I found him.

Hmm, perhaps you need to get one of his friends to set him up with a date.

Clearly I have no decent advice here.

[Guy Incognito]

whilst you seem very strong, i just think the longer you leave it before sharing then you are piling a lot on your shoulders. the fact you have left him, the worry about the future, worried about your husband. you need to let it all out.
ring a friend and just talk it out

sorry if that seemed a little blunt

[hpdrifter]

No, you're right. These first few days are too important to leave to chance. I sent a text to my friend, I hope she can hang tonight.

[Guy Incognito]

i know i said you need to talk it out but it doesnt have to be a big summit where you talk for hours about it, i you know your friends and how they will handle it but it might be just a good thing to kick back with a friend. if you just chill in your car then you are only going to worry about a lot of stuff.

[hpdrifter]

Our wedding was about the most inauspicious beginning to a life together you could imagine. My bunnies died the night before and I couldn't be with them because I was at my rehearsal dinner. They were my heart and soul, I loved them as much as I can love anything.

I managed to drag my heart out of the gutter and enjoy my wedding day until my new husband got blackout drunk after the reception and got into a fight with one of his best friends after which he argued with the hotel staff and almost got us kicked out of our suite. Oh, and his skank-ho friend also got blackout drunk, tried to make out with him and when someone called her out on it she tried to start a fight in the hotel bar with one of her closest friends before smashing a glass on the floor and running out into the night. And when he came out of his whiskey shot induced coma, after inspecting his bleeding face and arm and the stains he'd made all over the sheets and pillows he yelled at me for being upset about it.

My sister and my mom gave me a horrible dressing down after the above fracas and went off half cocked and caused a whole 'nother mess with his side of the family. It all culminated in my husband of less than 12 hours and my mom screaming obscentities at each other over the phone and my sister trying to call the airline to prevent me from boarding the plane to go on my honeymoon.

I quite literally spent a good chunk of my time in the lovely Fiji islands trying not to have a heart attack or kill myself.

[hpdrifter]

*exhale*

[Guy Incognito]

dude, go and get pissed with your mate and just let it all out, that post cant have been easy to write but more outpourings like tha and you'll feel better although it might not seem like it at the time.

oh and for the record, the more info you reveal it really does seem like you have done the right thing

[MC Moot]

this thread is really heavy...it aches...very sad,very familiar,all around...if I lived in the Sound I'd spring for hotel for the drifter for sure...but HP strikes me as resiliant and super sharp...so that's good...


*wishing you really well*

[hpdrifter]

I'll be okay. My friend said I could come over to her house tonight and she'd hold my hand.

I told him nothing's changed and here we go again. I'll just let the text box fill up so he can't send anymore and keep the sound on silent.

[Kid Presentable]

Really sorry hpdrifter. It only ever seemed like a matter of time from what I read you posting, so good for you for making the decision. All the best.

[Bob]

Really sorry hpdrifter. It only ever seemed like a matter of time from what I read you posting, so good for you for making the decision. All the best.

it's impossible for strangers on the internet to have the full frame of reference but yeah, i agree, from your posts it sounded like this was inevitable. i can't imagine how much this must suck for you but it sounds like it would only have gotten suckier if you'd waited any longer, you did the right thing.

just be thankful you didn't have any kids and that your own pain is the only thing you have to worry about. that's kind of a shitty silver lining, i know, but...

[RobMoney$]

It is so hard because I know he is so miserable and I didn't want to do that to him or me. He keeps sending me texts saying how awful I am, I just got another one a few minutes ago saying that I am evil. Evil!

I think last night I got 30 phone calls and maybe 50 text messages running the gamut from I love you please come home to I hate you, you're disgusting.


textbook emotional blackmail.
Has he threatened to kill himself if you leave him yet?

If he is ever going to change for the better, this would be the time.

[cosmo105]

I agree with Bob and KP. You always sounded really miserable and walked-upon.

I don't know you in person, but I have been in an unhealthy relationship before and found a way out, and I am VERY proud of you for being strong enough to take care of yourself.

Tell your closest friends and family. For your own safety, just do it so that people know what's going on. Dude sounds crazy unstable, so don't take chances. Who knows what he could do in this emotional state and with his apparent substance abuse problems.

You will live through this and be all the wiser. I promise.

[RobMoney$]

He's going to be a nightmare, he was when his last girlfriend broke up with him. Which is when I found him.

I remember a saying from somwhere that goes...relationships born out of extreme circumstance rarely last.
Of course I didn't hear that quote until after I had learned that life lesson for myself, the hard way.

I would also like to vote for you telling/ asking someone for help and a place to crash for a few days until you can sort this all out.
Being alone is not a good idea at all right now.
You need the company of friends and loved ones.



Also, I know I don't know you very well, but I'd just like to say that I'm impressed by your strength.
It's not easy to get up and leave a relationship you know will never be what you want it to be.
Good for you for knowing what you want out of life and not allowing anyone to prevent you from achieving it.

[Documad]

I agree with Bob and KP. You always sounded really miserable and walked-upon.

I don't know you in person, but I have been in an unhealthy relationship before and found a way out, and I am VERY proud of you for being strong enough to take care of yourself.

Tell your closest friends and family. For your own safety, just do it so that people know what's going on. Dude sounds crazy unstable, so don't take chances. Who knows what he could do in this emotional state and with his apparent substance abuse problems.

You will live through this and be all the wiser. I promise.

All of this.

Tell everyone-- tell all the friends you trust who aren't his friends and tell them ASAP. You need backup -- emotionally, physically, financially.

Don't let him blackmail you into staying. Whatever he does to himself isn't your fault. He may pull every trick in the book but remember this is all evidence that he's unhealthy for you. Don't go anywhere with him. Don't see him. Even if you've got stuff there, it's not worth it. Wait till you have some stability and go with the cops if you really have belongings you need.

[camo]

There are some great folk here. BBMB +1000 Internets.

[paul jones]

. BBMB +1000 Internets.

Is that like Ali Baba and the 40 thieves?

[hpdrifter]

I just took a trusted friend with me to pick up some more clothes, I should be good for awhile now. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The vision of his face begging me to stay and asking me don't I love him anymore will haunt me for the rest of my life. But it's the best thing for him if wakes him up.

[paul jones]

I just took a trusted friend with me to pick up some more clothes, I should be good for awhile now. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The vision of his face begging me to stay and asking me don't I love him anymore will haunt me for the rest of my life. But it's the best thing for him if wakes him up.

He'll get over it.There's plenty more goldfish in the bowl.

[hpdrifter]

I just can't believe how amazing you all have been. I don't know what I expected when I posted this this morning, but I didn't expect to receive so much support or derive so much strength from it.

BBMB group hug y'all. Let's blow off 7th and 8th, go to the mall, have a calorie fest and see the new Christian Slater.

[Bob]

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

but at least you know you have to do it, and that you can :)

[Miho]

Sorry to hear, hp. Stay strong.

[ms.peachy]

It's funny isn't it, how although in many ways this is 'hard', I sense it is also in a big way 'easy' for you. Maybe 'easy' isn't the right word, but what I mean is, it seems like now that you have done what you knew in your heart for so long needed to be done, the course you are taking is laying itself out and your thinking is clear-headed. Good for you.

Glad you are opening up to your friend. Let her be there for you. Corny as it sounds, that's what friends are for, yeh?

And, keep ignoring those texts/calls. Remember, you can never be responsible for anyone's happiness but your own, and it's great that you are now doing that for yourself. Your soon-to-be-ex-husband still needs to learn that lesson. He might never. Soon-to-be-not-your-problem.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

Ack, I can't imagine this is at all easy for you. But I am glad, as others have said, that you did this now instead of later when you do have a child.

My own personal thought on contacting a family member on his behalf is ONLY if things get so bad that he is threatening suicide. If he's serious, someone needs to know and as you are no longer with him, someone in his family should be helping him with that.

And if he's not serious, it's a wake up call to him saying "HEY, STOP trying to emotionally manipulate her". You telling a family member about that kind of threat shows that you are being strong and not giving in to going back to him.

It definitely seems that he is trying to emotionally manipulate you through guilt. Stay strong. I know it isn't easy but stick to your guns, so to speak.

Also find a place to crash as others said. You need the distance and if you are around him it's going to make it worse as he is going to definitely act out and try to talk guilt you further. I don't know about you, but in those situations I always found that I couldn't find my voice so soon after if they were in front of me. I'd give in again. Space is SO important.

In my past, I never married the man, but I was with him for almost four years and was so certain I'd marry him... I was in shambles after leaving him but it was the best things I have ever done for myself (on top of the other issues you know about I've mentioned to you). He was very, VERY emotionally manipulating. , I've dealt with a LOT of manipulative emotional vampires in my life. If you ever need to talk, as you know, I'm around as well.

[NicRN77]

I just can't believe how amazing you all have been. I don't know what I expected when I posted this this morning, but I didn't expect to receive so much support or derive so much strength from it.

BBMB group hug y'all. Let's blow off 7th and 8th, go to the mall, have a calorie fest and see the new Christian Slater.

Clueless...one of my faves! ;-)

Sending big hugs your way!

[Dorothy Wood]

I think you've done the right thing. I wish you the best and encourage you to be careful and stay safe. Don't be afraid to contact police if he begins to threaten you in any way.

Good luck and get some rest if you can. *hugs*

[Knuckles]

I got here too late. All the good advice has already been given.

So sorry you are going through this hpdrifter. I'm sending some positive internetz vibes your way.

If you happen to need a new fuzzy companion when you find yourself settled down I've got a super sweet lionhead rabbit (http://minilivestock.homestead.com/files/adorable_lionhead_bunny.jpg) that needs a new home. She's a tad bit more work than we expected.

[Nicodemus]

I remember a saying from somwhere that goes...relationships born out of extreme circumstance rarely last.
Of course I didn't hear that quote until after I had learned that life lesson for myself, the hard way.

I would also like to vote for you telling/ asking someone for help and a place to crash for a few days until you can sort this all out.
Being alone is not a good idea at all right now.
You need the company of friends and loved ones.



Also, I know I don't know you very well, but I'd just like to say that I'm impressed by your strength.
It's not easy to get up and leave a relationship you know will never be what you want it to be.
Good for you for knowing what you want out of life and not allowing anyone to prevent you from achieving it.

That quote about 'extreme circumstance' is from the movie SPEED. In the last scene Sandra Bullock says it to Keanu after the subway crashes in front of Grauman's Chinese Theater.

Also, sorry, HP.

[Lyman Zerga]

from your posts before it sounded like you were never 100% sure if it was that much of a good idea to marry him

well fuck him, you can do much better anyway and be with a guy where you just know that he is IT

you did the right thing

[HEIRESS]

you deserve better.

Tough journey ahead but you'll get through it. I look forward to reading all the awesome things your new life will revolve around a whole damn year from now.

[gbsuey]

I'm thinking that one day in the not too distant future, you may still be feeling raw and maybe even still getting crazy texts, you will find that chink of light. Things that you might have not noticed even when you were together that pissed you off or stressed you out...they'll come to mind and you'll be able to sigh a sigh of relief that you don't have to worry about that anymore, or you won't be made to feel a certain way anymore. This might not make sense, it's just something that helped me these last few weeks....i nearly called a friend to ask if he really did used to talk to me like that, but i actually didn't need to. Yesterday i overheaard his dad talking to his mum like she was a fucking idiot when she's the lovliest person.....that could have been me (or you) 30 years on. Phew:eek:

It's good you've told a friend, i was supposed to have kept our break-up a secret but i told my girlfriends....i'd have gone into full on meltdown if i hadn't. Hope you're ok

[trailerprincess]

I didn't know anything about your situation but from what I have read, it sounds like you have made a terribly decision, but it sounds like the right one. Stay strong and above his mind games and use your friends and family for support. You'll get through it, I'm sure

[TAL]

Since I got here late everything I wanted to say has already been posted.

But take some good parts others have said and add them together and pretend I said it.

BBMB CARES!

[hpdrifter]

Thanks guys. It really was a good idea to see my friend last night. I got through my appointment with my therapist and then I realized I had nowhere to go until I could meet her. I drove around aimlessly thinking about getting some food. I listened to NPR in my car. I probably should have used the time to study, I have a test today, but I quite literally couldn't do anything with my brain. It was actually work for me to pick up my diet coke from the cup holder and drink it.

It was awful, I really did not anticipate the crushing lonliness. It is amazing what the mind can do. During the day I feel fine for the most part but when the sun goes down and I leave work it comes rushing in. I started to idealize, not in a way that made me want to go home but in a way that made my chest physically tight. I thought about how we'd snuggle at night and his face and kisses and all that. Like I said, not in a way that I am not going to stay the course but in a bittersweet memories/love lost kind of way. I did love him so much, so so much. I guess that's not going to go away overnight.

I severely overestimated the living in my car idea, I need to find a place to call my own stat.

[Echewta]

While this is a difficult time, I can say from experience, that when time has passed and the split is complete, you are going to have an amazing experience rediscovering yourself, especially with the lessons you learned and going to learn.

How long were you with him?

[hpdrifter]

We've been together for 5 years.

Married for 10 months.

God, that looks awful. I never thought that would be me. Never in a million years.

[MC Moot]

pheremone and touch withdrawel is a very hard stage...

[Rock]

7 and 2. you're in good company.

[Echewta]

It doesn't look awful at all. What would look awful if you said 25 years with 3 kids and you were only happy the first 2.

Have you seen pictures of Rock though? Talk about awful...

[hpdrifter]

Ha! Well, it is nice to hear about others' experiences. Everyone has been so great I keep thinking I should use this as an opportunity to do the great BBMB world tour of 2010 and hug everyone in person for being so fricking awesome.

Maybe I'll start with NorCal, it's a hop skip and a jump for me and I could maybe meet two of my fav bay area hotties, cookiepuss and BA01/nodana.

Anyway, to peachy yes, there is a sense of... almost release I guess. It's been stressful keeping it all tied up for so long and now it's out in the open. I don't have to try to be something I am not or pretend I can handle things I can't. I even for a long time considered sacrificing the baby thing to stay with him, I convinced myself in all kinds of ways that it would be okay and even the right thing to do (questionable gene pool on both sides, the environment, etc.) But now I don't have to think that way. I want to be a mommy (whether it's my own or through adoption) with a daddy who is going to be super into it.

To gbsuey: Yes, I have had the thoughts about things I don't have to worry about anymore and they are many and varied.

To: nodana: "And if he's not serious, it's a wake up call to him saying "HEY, STOP trying to emotionally manipulate her". You telling a family member about that kind of threat shows that you are being strong and not giving in to going back to him." This is exactly what I was thinking and I think it worked.

To Knuckles: Awww, how long has it been? PM me your troubles with her and I can give you ideas on how to manage. If it does end up being unmanageable there's a rescue in Gig Harbor that may be able to take her. Just please please please don't let her go in a park or the woods. I would be lying if I hadn't considered acquiring more bunny love. I do need it so desparately just... in general. But I gotta get my shit together first.

[hpdrifter]

7 and 2. you're in good company.

Let's hang out and get a beer. I imagine you'd be great company.

[hpdrifter]

pheremone and touch withdrawel is a very hard stage...

Yeah, it's brutal. We used to snuggle so nice in the morning before work and my favorite thing was to rub my face in his chest hair. Weird I know, but he always smelled good, like a clean t-shirt, and it tickled my face. And he never had morning breath, I don't know how he managed it but morning kisses were always nice. He has big lips and his body temp just runs high in general so morning kisses were always warm and puffy and awesome.

[Adam]

I've been reading this thread but not contributing because I have no advice. But I have to say I can't believe how incredibly strong you are and how you haven't done anything crazy like a lot of people do when they are breaking up.

Good luck and all the best (y)

[hpdrifter]

Well the crazy may come, who knows. Right now it's one foot in front of the other, one day at a time. I did eat fast food last night. Luckily I could only choke down about half of it but I feel greazy today.

[Fern]

i thought you were a dude ....

[Adam]

i thought you were a dude ....

that has sparkles and a bunny rabbit jumping in her avatar?

[Fern]

i never look at those things

[Adam]

How else do you tell men and women apart? :confused:

[MC Moot]

Yeah, it's brutal. We used to snuggle so nice in the morning before work and my favorite thing was to rub my face in his chest hair. Weird I know, but he always smelled good, like a clean t-shirt, and it tickled my face. And he never had morning breath, I don't know how he managed it but morning kisses were always nice. He has big lips and his body temp just runs high in general so morning kisses were always warm and puffy and awesome.

Nothings weird,really,nothing at all...not in this process...I held on to one of her bra's for the first month and a bit,I wore that sucker like an oxygen mask some nights...a few weeks back I was cleaning and I found a box that said "Bike Tools" in her handwriting on it...just the sight of something as simple as her writing momentarily gutted me...and then I counted my current blessings and laughed it off...threw out the damned box though...

[b i o n i c]

hope you two come away from this better and with the least amount of pain & crap possible :( breakups can suck but more often than not they can be pretty awesome, eventualllyyyyy

[nodanaonlyzuul]

you are welcome to take a vacation here anytime! no need for hotel as we have a comfy queen blow up mattress :D

Attachment to someone you've been with for a long time is a hard thing to turn off. It isn't like a switch and as you said, it won't happen over night.

I always hated it but the saying "it'll take time" is 100% true. Throw yourself in to school work, hobbies, and friends. They'll help make the time fly by and you'll wake up one day and realize that those feelings of attachment have passed. You might even realize MORE so than this moment, as it is hard to see it with complete clarity so soon, that it really was the best decision for you.

:)

[Kid Presentable]

Don't go back.

[miss soul fire]

This is going to be really hard, since you guys were married. But you have to realize that for whatever reason you left him, it was because you didn't love him anymore and you shouldn't be with someone you don't love. That's what happened to my ex-boyfriend. In my case, I always had doubts about it and was too afraid to broke up and never find a good person again, but once it happened, I feel sure now that didn't love him, so that's how it goes. It's the best thing for you.

[DipDipDive]

I won't have anything to offer here that hasn't already been said, so here's a hug.

*hug*

If I lived near you, I'd totally let you stay with me. <3

[hpdrifter]

Day 3

I think I have pin pointed the most difficult hours. They seem to be from 5-8 or so in the evening, I must redouble my efforts to occupy my time in those hours. Last night was more difficult than the night before. I had the inevitable thoughts about no one ever wanting me again and never being in love again and all of that. I know what it is, I know it isn't real but damn it if it doesn't feel real in the moment. I cried during my exam last night, and not because I am going to flunk the shit out of it. The largest problem at this point is that I don't have a place to go, I am going to start looking at the living situation today. I don't need much, just four walls, a place to plug in a lamp and a TV, and a bathroom.

[Echewta]

and a Xbox.

[MC Moot]

The largest problem at this point is that I don't have a place to go, I am going to start looking at the living situation today. I don't need much, just four walls, a place to plug in a lamp and a TV, and a bathroom.

*I am envisioning a quaint little bachelorette suite, in the basement of a funky old heritage home, lush hedges and greenery with liberally minded and likeable neighbors, within walking distance to grocery’s,movies,café and a park*


This I wish for you!

[hpdrifter]

Thanks Moot, those visions keep me sane in the bad moments.

It is so weird to me how your perspective can change so much over the course of just a few hours. How is it that during the day I am so rational, I remember all of the options I have and am able to look on the bright side so easily but when I leave work it's like the whole world comes crashing down. It's really bad.

[gbsuey]

It's hardly surprising as you've not yet got your own 4 walls to go home to, that's gotta be your priority. At least then you can be comfortable and relax and get your head together.

[hpdrifter]

I went and looked at a place yesterday. It would be temporary but I think could work out well. I'd have a roommate but at least she has two super cute dogs and a grey cat (I love grey cats). Anyway...

Day 4

Has not been as bad as days 2 and 3. Maybe it's because I had a very successful meeting today or because it's Friday and it's really sunny and unseasonably warm. Right now I feel good. Of course the weekend stretches out in front of me an ocean of nothingness. I will have to get together with friends and do something fun!

[yeahwho]

Yes I'm glad to hear you have found someplace to stay. This could be the best breaking up weather ever to come along in a February. Usually it's equally gloomy and foreboding with whatever depressing thoughts and actions we all make here in Seattle.

One day at a Time baby your gonna make it.


Oh Yeah (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCL3B5LgUCo&feature=related) (y)

[Lyman Zerga]

And he never had morning breath

glad im not the only one with that 'problem'

as a child i had it but it got lost somewhere

[RobMoney$]

Forgive me if this is prying, but why not move back with Ma & Pa Dukes for a little while?
Considering your Ma's history you spoke of the night of the wedding, I suspect she'd be thrilled about the current turn of events?

[hpdrifter]

Yes, I'm sure mom and sister would be thrilled but on my wedding day they told me if I stayed with him not to ask for help when things went bad. They said if you go on your honeymoon today, if you stay with him we can't have a relationship with you, don't expect any help from us.

So no, I will not be discussing any of this with either of them.

Day 5

Well I was feeling pretty good about things until a few minutes ago. I had a pretty frank conversation with a friend about how he's not on board for the drama, back and forth if that's what this is going to be. It was hard to hear because I feel guilty enough about having to lean on my friends as it is. I've gotta get this shit sorted out as soon as possible.

I'll hear back from the girl tomorrow about whether she's chosen me as her roommate and I have another friend who might need a housesitter while he goes away for a month so that would work out pretty well.

Another day down, a lifetime to go.

[RobMoney$]

Yes, I'm sure mom and sister would be thrilled but on my wedding day they told me if I stayed with him not to ask for help when things went bad. They said if you go on your honeymoon today, if you stay with him we can't have a relationship with you, don't expect any help from us.

So no, I will not be discussing any of this with either of them.


Hey, I'm all too familiar with family fallouts and ultimatums. Believe me, my family is no different.
Afterall, you may not have much right now, but you do have your pride.


But if that's the only issue keeping your family away from you, you should consider telling them about things, just to see where they are on the issue at this point in time.
Putting myself in their position, I know I'd be thrilled to death to welcome my daughter home after ending a relationship that seemingly everyone was against.
Just because they said something in the heat of an emotional moment doesn't necessarily mean that's how it's gonna go down.
What do you have to lose?

[cosmo105]

Wow. That's some shit to hear from your family. But yeah, I agree - no harm in trying to reconnect there.

[Bob]

again, this is one of those "strangers from the internet couldn't possibly have the full frame of reference" situations but my worthless two cents is that she is your mother, if you did cave in and ask her for help she'd have to be pretty cold to turn you away. but on the other hand i can completely understand why you would not want to do that. if things get too rough though, surely she'd be there for you if you needed her?

[yeahwho]

I thought you had purchased a house in Seattle awhile back... or maybe that was somebody else.

When I broke up with my last girlfriend we were living on Whidbey Island on 5 acres surrounded by nothing but farms and trees. Growing up in Ballard I grew to hate the farming life pretty quick and one day I told her, I'm out.

Anyway I left behind a car, a dog and several thousand dollars worth of electronics and furniture I just wanted out. I stayed in places like the Echo Lake motel, San Juan motel and for a spell the Green Lake motel. (dumpy dumps full of pimps,ho's, soup & meth)

That went on for several months before I found a condo for rent in downtown Seattle, it was a rough couple of years. I ended up befriending some pretty dynamite people while living downtown and went to some of the most amazing rock and roll shows ever played in this city but the price was a constant feeling of why was my life so screwed up. I hit a lot of AA meetings and rode my bicycle everywhere.

I guess what I'm saying is just like everybody else I'm human and easily blinded by love. Of course being a dude I always related to Sam Kinison (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_VURr6jnWQ).

[kaiser soze]

Breaking up fucking sucks but sometimes it brings much better opportunities, freedoms, paths to self-discovery, peace.

goodluck and I'm sure it'll work out for both of you.

I know someone who broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years because she was convinced he wouldn't be good with a child

[Nicodemus]

Pants on the ground.

[cookiepuss]

I told ya you're welcome to come visit me if you want to! And if you wanted to stay I do have a friend with a room to rent...

but I'm glad to hear you're looking for a place, even temporary. I've been worried bout ya. hang in there!

[hpdrifter]

Well I think reconnecting with my family will only mung things up right now for me emotionally. My sister and I have other issues besides this. She gave me quite the dressing down after my wedding. I can't decide if my favorite part was when she told me not to use my depression and anxiety as an excuse for my bad behavior or when she said she wasn't sure why any of my friends even liked me. No, it might have been when she said I didn't deserve anything I had because I was so selfish and worthless.

And my mom is more likely to turn it around so that I am somehow taking care of her.

Anyway, fingers crossed that the girl liked me and emails me back today saying I can move in on Tuesday!

[hpdrifter]

I thought you had purchased a house in Seattle awhile back... or maybe that was somebody else.

When I broke up with my last girlfriend we were living on Whidbey Island on 5 acres surrounded by nothing but farms and trees. Growing up in Ballard I grew to hate the farming life pretty quick and one day I told her, I'm out.

Anyway I left behind a car, a dog and several thousand dollars worth of electronics and furniture I just wanted out. I stayed in places like the Echo Lake motel, San Juan motel and for a spell the Green Lake motel. (dumpy dumps full of pimps,ho's, soup & meth)

That went on for several months before I found a condo for rent in downtown Seattle, it was a rough couple of years. I ended up befriending some pretty dynamite people while living downtown and went to some of the most amazing rock and roll shows ever played in this city but the price was a constant feeling of why was my life so screwed up. I hit a lot of AA meetings and rode my bicycle everywhere.

I guess what I'm saying is just like everybody else I'm human and easily blinded by love. Of course being a dude I always related to Sam Kinison (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_VURr6jnWQ).

Well this is the problem, we own a house neither of us can support on our own and we can't sell it. But I let that be a barrier for far too long. It's just a house, we'll figure it out. It does complicate the living situation somewhat for me because I can't afford to pay my mortgage and rent. But whatever, I have enough to cover the place I looked at for the month of March and that'll give me some more time to figure out the next step.

Worse comes to worse I've considered the motels on 99. Were they safe enough?

[Guy Incognito]

i agree with bob, i think if you are honest with your mam she will forget any history, it'll be hard for you but it might be worth a shot, she will at least make some practical suggestions but its up to you.

[MC Moot]

Personally I would not suggest letting your current/immediate situation be the impetus for opening dialogue or breaking estrangement with your family…it’s emotionally loaded…I think you need to look out for you and your well being only…all things in time and now is your time…big challenges, big days, big life…with time you can go down that road after you feel correct and confidant…you know what’s good?...write an open letter to the people in your life with whom you have strife…don’t mail it, just let it sit for a week and read it again…chances are you’ll be surprised what difference a week even makes…I have to go now, I’m constructing a large foam novelty hand with the index finger pointed up that says HP Drifter #1!...

[ms.peachy]

Personally I would not suggest letting your current/immediate situation be the impetus for opening dialogue or breaking estrangement with your family…it’s emotionally loaded…

I'm inclined to agree. hp, the way I see it, although right now things are very painful, you are on the edge of a huge opportunity, a sort of 'rebirth' in a way. From here you can go on to have the happier life that you deserve. After some time as passed and you are feeling stronger and on a more even keel, then go to your family and say "Hey you know, you guys were right, he wasn't good for me and it took me a while to really see it but here's where I'm at now; look how good I'm doing." And if they still act like a bunch of schmucks then, well then, you know that that's just the way they are gonna be and you have to get on with your own life and the hell with 'em.

[hpdrifter]

Well I heard from her this morning, she liked me! I can move in tomorrow.

I guess I missed Day 7 in what has become my blog. But it was boring, it consisted of me watching old episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (I have the whole series on DVD), trying to absorb every nook and cranny of the human skeleton and then gorging myself on ravioli gorgonzola. Anyway...

Day 8

Well the weather continues to be unseasonably sunny but seasonably cold. The sunniness helps immensely. It's hard to feel like crap about anything when it's bright blue skies in February in Seattle. It's a beautiful city and when it's sunny I'd put it up there with any city in the world. I have another exam tonight that I'm not ready for but it's okay.

cp and dana, I might actually do this thing for spring break. I could drive down for a day or two. Let me knwo what you think.

[Funky Pepp]

I've read your blog during the past days and I'm still not sure what to say. I know you might not even be interested in what I want to say, but I feel I have to. So:

For me form what I read, it really seems that you still love your husband and if you do after 5 years it is a very good sign and must not be underrated. I know, I'm the only one who is not like "good for you" or "you can do better than him" but I once more got the impression (not only from what I heard from you, but also from 2 of my friends who left their boyfreinds) that people tend to chase some kind of fantasy. I really don't want to make you feel any worse and I hope I don't. But don't most guys kind of "fear" or "don't like" the thoughts of having a baby, or at least aren't ready as early as us girls. Perhaps that is because they don't need to hurrry - they've got a lifetime. And of course it is better to not risk it and find out your husband really was not ready for that after having a baby. All I am saying is, that it is hard to find someone who you really have such stong feelings for after 5 years of being together.

Again, sorry for being the only one who does not support your break-up 100%. I hope you did the right thing. And I really wish you all the best!

Last but not least, I have to add, if you want to visit Berlin on your BBMB-tour you are most welcome :)

[MC Moot]

Last but not least, I have to add, if you want to visit Berlin on your BBMB-tour you are most welcome :)

As long as it doesn't conflict with my stay...:D

[MC Moot]

Well I heard from her this morning, she liked me! I can move in tomorrow.

Ona move!


(y)

[nodanaonlyzuul]

I'm really glad you did not opt for the suggestions about your family. I know it's natural for a lot of people to suggest such things, but sometimes family isn't an option unfortunately, no matter what. Sometimes it's hard for people to fathom but in some cases, family HURTS more than they help, despite hard times. Take my word for it.

Knowing what I know about the situation and knowing my own experience with my own family... I'm really glad you got the place you wanted. :) Congrats!


cp and dana, I might actually do this thing for spring break. I could drive down for a day or two. Let me knwo what you think.

Do it! We finally talked our landlord it to offering lower rent for a place, and we just moved in this weekend to a nice 2-bed 2-full bath apartment :D You'd have a place to stay for free.

[Funky Pepp]

As long as it doesn't conflict with my stay...:D

'course not ;)

[cosmo105]

I've read your blog during the past days and I'm still not sure what to say. I know you might not even be interested in what I want to say, but I feel I have to. So:

For me form what I read, it really seems that you still love your husband and if you do after 5 years it is a very good sign and must not be underrated. I know, I'm the only one who is not like "good for you" or "you can do better than him" but I once more got the impression (not only from what I heard from you, but also from 2 of my friends who left their boyfreinds) that people tend to chase some kind of fantasy. I really don't want to make you feel any worse and I hope I don't. But don't most guys kind of "fear" or "don't like" the thoughts of having a baby, or at least aren't ready as early as us girls. Perhaps that is because they don't need to hurrry - they've got a lifetime. And of course it is better to not risk it and find out your husband really was not ready for that after having a baby. All I am saying is, that it is hard to find someone who you really have such stong feelings for after 5 years of being together.

Coming from someone who has read what she's said over a period of time, the guy sounds like a douche. I always cringed at the problems she expressed they were having and thought she could do much better. I wouldn't encourage her to go back to him, ever. And as far as being ready for kids, I believe dude already has a kid from someone else. It really doesn't sound like she's chasing any sort of fantasy by breaking it off - more that she was by sticking it out. She really wanted to be married and to have it work out well, but it sounds like she's finally putting herself before all that and taking care of herself.

Five years doesn't mean anything if it's in an unhealthy relationship.

I also am beginning to agree with Peachy and all - I remember you also saying, hp, that you had strained relationships with your family as well. If things are volatile there, then probably best to stick with yourself and friends now. Reach out when you feel it's the right time, if you want to do so. Hope things are going well. Now is definitely a good time to throw yourself into studying.

[Funky Pepp]

Coming from someone who has read what she's said over a period of time, the guy sounds like a douche. I always cringed at the problems she expressed they were having and thought she could do much better. I wouldn't encourage her to go back to him, ever. And as far as being ready for kids, I believe dude already has a kid from someone else. It really doesn't sound like she's chasing any sort of fantasy by breaking it off - more that she was by sticking it out. She really wanted to be married and to have it work out well, but it sounds like she's finally putting herself before all that and taking care of herself.

Five years doesn't mean anything if it's in an unhealthy relationship.

I also am beginning to agree with Peachy and all - I remember you also saying, hp, that you had strained relationships with your family as well. If things are volatile there, then probably best to stick with yourself and friends now. Reach out when you feel it's the right time, if you want to do so. Hope things are going well. Now is definitely a good time to throw yourself into studying.

I don't know all the facts, which is of coures a problem. I only read this thread and probably didn't wrote what I would if I knew both of them in real life. And I agree that 5 years mean nothing if you don't feel right in that relationship. I only thought she still sounded "in love" somehow...

[nodanaonlyzuul]

I only thought she still sounded "in love" somehow...

You could be in love with someone who did not treat you well. You can still be in love with someone that you are/were in a bad relationship with.

Just because you are "in love" does not mean you should stay. And if you had the details I'm pretty sure you would not be encouraging the opposite of everyone here as most of us recall the details that have been given in the past. Trust.

[hpdrifter]

Well I don't know as I'd characterize him as a douchebag. He's a good person in so many ways but he is extremely immature for his age and I think he took me and my love for him for granted. He treated it carelessly and it just eroded.

Day 9. Or Day 8, I think I somehow got ahead one day. Oh well, whatever.

I have picked up the key to my place, I am moving my clothes, bed linens and hamster today. It's a super busy day, I am not sure how I let this week get away from me and it's only Tuesday! I had another exam last night (lab practical) and I don't think I did very well. I have a quiz tomorrow on the next bit of stuff that I haven't even looked at because I've been so focused on the bit for last night's test. I have another exam next Monday. This damn class moves so fast, this was not the time to get behind. :(

[MC Moot]

He's a good person in so many ways but he is extremely immature for his age and I think he took me and my love for him for granted. He treated it carelessly and it just eroded.

Exactly what happened between her and I...guilty,guilty,guilty...:(

[Dorothy Wood]

sometimes there is a love that exists between two people that lasts forever. but it isn't always practical.

my mother and father loved each other very much, but my father was an asshole. not a bad person completely, but unable to put other people's needs before his own. after 20+ years, the love was still there so deep that my mom drunk dialed him while her husband was away on business last year. he didn't answer then, but he called back. at the age of 65, my dad was going through a divorce again and my mom had caught him vulnerable. He was happy to hear from her, and wanted to be friends. my mom, sober, realized this was a bad idea. but the love was still there, I could hear it in her voice when she relayed the conversation.

he was 65, and dating a 29 year old. still up to his old tricks. and she realized that her current husband and situation was a million times better than anything she had with my dad.

society is so fixated on "the one" that people forget that not all love is right or healthy. your body, your brain, your skin can ache for someone, but that doesn't mean that person is good for you. those feelings might never leave, but they become less as time goes on. a bottle of wine and a little bit of loneliness might make those feelings bubble up, but when reality hits you, you realize that being alone or with someone else who appreciates and gives you what you need to live a fulfilling and practical life is so much better than the ache.

[Funky Pepp]

society is so fixated on "the one" that people forget that not all love is right or healthy. your body, your brain, your skin can ache for someone, but that doesn't mean that person is good for you. those feelings might never leave, but they become less as time goes on. a bottle of wine and a little bit of loneliness might make those feelings bubble up, but when reality hits you, you realize that being alone or with someone else who appreciates and gives you what you need to live a fulfilling and practical life is so much better than the ache.

Exactly(!) What I meant is that people tend to think that "the one" comes round the corner and everything is just perfect. But real love that lasts forever is all about compromises and talking about the problems that might occur. You cannot expect the other to read your mind and know all your feelings. You have to work on your relationship - both sides have to.

And that does not mean that your can make every realtionship work or that you have to take everything from the other one. Definitely not!

But I also understood that most of you guys here know hpdrifter and her situation much better than I do. So, I really don't want to question your opinions or give a bad advice just from 2 pages I read. Sorry again! :o

[checkyourprez]

sometimes there is a love that exists between two people that lasts forever. but it isn't always practical.

my mother and father loved each other very much, but my father was an asshole. not a bad person completely, but unable to put other people's needs before his own. after 20+ years, the love was still there so deep that my mom drunk dialed him while her husband was away on business last year. he didn't answer then, but he called back. at the age of 65, my dad was going through a divorce again and my mom had caught him vulnerable. He was happy to hear from her, and wanted to be friends. my mom, sober, realized this was a bad idea. but the love was still there, I could hear it in her voice when she relayed the conversation.

he was 65, and dating a 29 year old. still up to his old tricks. and she realized that her current husband and situation was a million times better than anything she had with my dad.

society is so fixated on "the one" that people forget that not all love is right or healthy. your body, your brain, your skin can ache for someone, but that doesn't mean that person is good for you. those feelings might never leave, but they become less as time goes on. a bottle of wine and a little bit of loneliness might make those feelings bubble up, but when reality hits you, you realize that being alone or with someone else who appreciates and gives you what you need to live a fulfilling and practical life is so much better than the ache.

thats pimpin, pimpin.

[hpdrifter]

What day am I on now? I think 14.

Anyway, living on my own again has been kinda cool. I do miss the snuggles at night but I'm sure it'll ease.

The ex is significantly calmer than before but I have kept all of the text messages from those first days to remind me how I got here. Unfortunately there are so many that I can't keep very many new ones and I have to keep deleting and deleting. But I flirted with a waiter this weekend. I was out of practice and he was a total idiot with way too many facial piercings but overall it was kinda fun. Baby steps.

[Freebasser]

I'd entertain the idea of entertaining someone whilst having sex.

Like... juggling dildos or something.

[hpdrifter]

I actually can juggle. But mostly balls, not so much dildos.

[Freebasser]

;)

[nodanaonlyzuul]

I think it depends on your comfort level. It's so early that it will not go further than that of course. If you are comfortable with casual sex I don't find anything wrong with it at this point, especially since you are not going back to the ex, as long as you are safe and upfront to the person (hi just got out of something serious, this is not going to be a long term thing) about it.

[Bob]

Question: if you were in my situation, would you entertain the idea of sex with someone else? Or would it be too soon/too shady a thing to do at this point?

are you still married? i don't know much about washington divorce law but if you're planning on divorcing the guy at some point i'm wondering if sleeping with someone else while you're still technically married might come back to hurt you legally if he ever found out about it. that and it would probably make him feel like shit emotionally if that's a concern

[Knuckles]

I think it depends on your comfort level. It's so early that it will not go further than that of course. If you are comfortable with casual sex I don't find anything wrong with it at this point, especially since you are not going back to the ex, as long as you are safe and upfront to the person (hi just got out of something serious, this is not going to be a long term thing) about it.

I agree with this.

But make sure your ex doesn't find out.

[hpdrifter]

Yeah, I don't want any hurt feelings and it would just overcomplicate things emotionally and stuff.

[Bob]

in that case i'd advise against it but then again i don't really know what it's like to have an active sex drive so i can't say that i completely know what you're going through there

[cosmo105]

Iiiiiii would maybe say wait a little bit. Just to be on the safe side. It might be a little too much to handle right this very second. You don't want to freak someone out by collapsing into a ball of hysterics post-random bone. Don't get me wrong, rebound sex is a necessity. But it's sometimes good to have a little distance there, especially when it's such an intense breakup.

When you're ready for it, though, by all means, bone your heart out.

[TAL]

Go to ECCC in two weeks and flirt with Spock!

[Echewta]

Some of the most interesting sex has been with women who have just divorced and want to feel alive again.

[hpdrifter]

I guess at this point I just need to wait, if an opportunity presents itself and it feels right maybe I'll go for it. But no need to go out looking for it yet as I suspect this: "You don't want to freak someone out by collapsing into a ball of hysterics post-random bone." is a legitimate possibility.

[Rock]

I say start the scrumping as soon as you aren't second guessing if you are ready to have sex or not. I sort of wish I did, but sort of glad I didn't.

[Echewta]

I'm still pissed you turned me down Rock.

[Rock]

You had a cold sore.

[Echewta]

Yes, but now I take medication that helps prevent out breaks and allows me to be outdoors having adventures with a woman and smile a lot.

[MC Moot]

I think if I knew my ex had sex so recently after separation I might of lost my mind...not just misplaced it for a year...which was how long I had no genuine desire to shag…not that your responsible to anyone other than your own damn self..but…yeah…ouch…

[Lyman Zerga]

haha now we feel sorry for her ex

[paul jones]

hamster :(

oooh I didn't know you had a hamster.What's it's name? Do you have one of those plastic balls that they roll around in?

[Myu-to]

Hey HP, hopefully better late than never, but you did the right thing, and definitely at the right time. Stay strong, hang in there.

Also, sorry that I didn't send a card with the necklace, but I'm glad rhat you liked it. Thanks again CP for making it happen.

[hpdrifter]

Well yesterday was a bad day. I felt... lonely for the first time since the very first nights of this process. I suppose it was bound to return at some point and it probably didn't help that I watched the birth of Pam and Jim's baby on the Office. I want Pam and Jim. Hopefully it will be on it's way again soon.

[Rock]

Totally normal. Ups and downs come with the territory. Maybe you should get a male real sex doll so you can cuddle up to it on those lonely nights. It'll never talk back either.

[hpdrifter]

...or hog the remote and watch Chris Farley movies. :mad:

Yeah, I know I've gotta ride it out. I just don't want to.

I see in the future of my Friday night some more quality time with Buffy and Sprout the hamster.

Yes, PJ, I have a hamster ball for her. She's like Mario Andretti around the house. She scares the cat.

[paul jones]

Yes, PJ, I have a hamster ball for her. She's like Mario Andretti around the house. She scares the cat.

you need to film that shit for youtubbs(y)

[hpdrifter]

Yikes, this weekend was bad. I think I spent too much time alone. The craving for human contact was so great it was almost like my skin was rippling under the surface for it. I just wanted someone to hug and snuggle so badly it made me cry. I wrapped myself in blankets and took several showers, anything to make it stop. Maybe it was because I was sick, too. And lonely. :(

[TAL]

TOTAL HUGS

[Lyman Zerga]

Yikes, this weekend was bad. I think I spent too much time alone. The craving for human contact was so great it was almost like my skin was rippling under the surface for it. I just wanted someone to hug and snuggle so badly it made me cry. I wrapped myself in blankets and took several showers, anything to make it stop. Maybe it was because I was sick, too. And lonely. :(

welcome to my last 10 years

[Adam]

welcome to my last 10 years

not meaning to hate - but kinda not the point. You get used to a certain way of being, we are creatures of habit and when that is upset to a large degree just the logistics of it all is upsetting.

Like when you start to see some1 new after being alone for a while, if you're with them a lot you start wishing them away even though you may love them. Same after a long-term break up you start wishing them back even though you may hate them. And being married must make that even harder (but I can't talk from experience on that).

There is always a bar for when you're really lonely.

[mickill]

Adam rarely if ever makes a valid point, but I have to agree 100% with his comment.

[Adam]

erm, thanks? :confused:

[mickill]

You're welcome, handsome.

[Dorothy Wood]

Yikes, this weekend was bad. I think I spent too much time alone. The craving for human contact was so great it was almost like my skin was rippling under the surface for it. I just wanted someone to hug and snuggle so badly it made me cry. I wrapped myself in blankets and took several showers, anything to make it stop. Maybe it was because I was sick, too. And lonely. :(

dude, you need some friend action. don't try to do this alone, seriously. My last break up didn't compare in magnitude to your situation, but I really needed to take a couple of months to just be a sad sack. I cried in public so many times, and I'd go over to my friend's house and just kinda sit and hate life, and not participate in anything.

you're grieving, and it's going to be hard, and it might get harder...but it does eventually get better, and you'll come out of it a stronger and more focused person, ready to share your life and yourself with people who are worthy. :)

(some of that sounded dirty, oops, I meant everything in a G-rated way)

[mickill]

I'm sure she can at least handle a PG-rated post.

[Dorothy Wood]

shit, you're right.

*partial nudity*

wait, that's PG-13

[Rock]

dude, you need some friend action. don't try to do this alone, seriously.

WORD UP. For me it happened where I only knew two people really well around me and only one of them was a really really really close friend. I'm such a puss and it fucked with me so much that I had to move all the way back across the country to be around A LOT of friends and family. A blanket of support instead of a pair of socks of support if you will. And I don't regret it one bit.

I'm sure if I stayed I would have gotten to where I am now, but it probably would have taken A LOT longer.

Also, I can understand if you may feel like you may be a burden on your friends and family, but shiiiiit. Like Dionne says, "thats what friends are for".

[hpdrifter]

Yeah, it was a bad moment for sure. But last night I forced myself to go out to dinner with my three besties (we were so SATC) even though I'm sick and so far behind in class it's not even funny. I have a quiz tonight on the nervous system and it might as well be on 19th century french literature for as prepared as I am.

But I went and had an extremely rich (read: delicious) French dinner for cheap and got hugs all around. (y)

I had an inappropriate email argument with the husband over work email yesterday. I was so stressed out I couldn't even be nice. I swore at him. In my work email. And his work email. But I have to set really firm boundaries because if I don't he'll just steamroll right over me.

[Lyman Zerga]

not meaning to hate - but kinda not the point. You get used to a certain way of being, we are creatures of habit and when that is upset to a large degree just the logistics of it all is upsetting.

Like when you start to see some1 new after being alone for a while, if you're with them a lot you start wishing them away even though you may love them. Same after a long-term break up you start wishing them back even though you may hate them. And being married must make that even harder (but I can't talk from experience on that).

There is always a bar for when you're really lonely.


so it means i dont want love and cuddlings anymore only cause i been alone for like ever? sorry but you cant get used to that (aka the reason why i got quite bitter)

and moanings about a person whos been alone for like 3 hours are ridiculous to me

[Dorothy Wood]

so it means i dont want love and cuddlings anymore only cause i been alone for like ever? sorry but you cant get used to that (aka the reason why i got quite bitter)

and moanings about a person whos been alone for like 3 hours are ridiculous to me


fact: heartbreak that happens in real life is a million times more painful than anything that happens or doesn't happen in a fantasy life you make up in your own head.

get over yourself.