I have left my wife

[ericlee]

Seriously. I'm at the bar right now, something I haven't done in a while since I've been with her.

I'm certain this is over. I have no time right now to describe it. I'll fill you in later. We're done for sure though.

[Miho]

That sucks. Sorry to hear.

[checkyourprez]

knowing very little about your situation other than a few threads i have browsed i can honestly say im not surprised. a man can only take so much. best of luck.

[Kid Presentable]

Faaaaarkin hell. If you need to talk it out, we're here. Stop drinking when you think the bartender is thinking about cutting you off.

[Lyman Zerga]

guess it was just a matter of time

[abcdefz]

Man, I'm sorry. I know things were rough, but that's hard.

[kaiser soze]

you've shared with us some tense moments before, I think mostly with the in-laws.

I hope you and she are ok right now, have you tried other avenues to mend your relationship? What about the house....is it over the house?

[ms.peachy]

No one can say you didn't try, mate.

Really sorry.

[ericlee]

Go figure, we're talking nice right now. It's been rough though. The past 2 weeks have been the worst.

We had signed a contract on a house and it fell through. The reason being is that I had a friend over, something I haven't done for almost a year. She came home from work and had this attitude which caused my friend to leave and we got into an argument and she started slapping me and I had to pin her on the floor till she stopped.

The last time I had a friend over before that, it was a friend from my hometown that lives in LI. We were listening to music with my little set of Iphone speakers. Yeah, it was a little late, maybe too loud and she was in the bedroom. She comes out screaming and being rude, telling me to turn it down. So, being the asshole I can be, I turned it up a little more. My friend said fuck this and left. She called the cops on me.

The cops came, I said she was in the bedroom. They talked to her, came out and asked "Why are we here? I talked to her and I still don't see a reason why we're here."

Apparently she doesn't like those guys. Reasons? There are none. She is picking and choosing who I should hang out with and "hanging out" means having beers at my place because I have completely quit going out to anywhere to make her feel happy.

It's just control issues that I have to struggle with. She pulled it again last night after a rough 2 weeks of arguments and I had to leave and I told her that this was it.

Go figure, I tell her this, make this thread and I wake up and we're acting like nothing happened. I'll just keep this thread here because I don't see a future for us so...

[kaiser soze]

dude hate to say it, but if you two don't get professional help to resolve this it is going to go down an uglier path.

call it quits or get real help - pretending nothing happened is not solving your problems and both of you know it.

[Echewta]

Slapping you? Sorry man, I would pull the cord just because of that.

[Knuckles]

Slapping you? Sorry man, I would pull the cord just because of that.

Yeah, that is not acceptable.

It bums me out to read this. :(

[NicRN77]

I must agree. The violence is reason enough to end it.

[RobMoney$]

Of course she's going to act like nothing happened.


You clearly sound like you're not happy, and who would be.
Sounds like you're being treated like a slave.
You can try it, but physical and emotional abuse do not have a very high success rate with counciling.
Life's too short to waste your time with someone who doesn't make you happy.

You'll be alright, whatever you decide.
You've survived worse, right?
Good luck to the both of you.

[abbott]

wish you the best ... make the future better.

[paul jones]

hide the kitchen knives!

[Dorothy Wood]

Eric, we all know you love your wife...but her behavior is totally unacceptable. Nobody deserves to be treated the way she treats you. A relationship should enrich your life, not close you off from life.


It's difficult to see when you're in the situation, but your marriage is beyond unhealthy. Like I told my mom when she said, "but he's so nice most of the time" about her former controlling freakazoid of a husband, "you deserve someone who's nice all the time."

good luck dude.

[cosmo105]

Oh man, sorry. What all of them ^ said. Take care of yourself, man.

[checkyourprez]

your the man. lay down the fucking law.

[JimmyTheScumbag]

Sorry to hear that. Better now than later.

[camo]

hey man sorry to hear this, I hope things get better for you soon.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

yeah, as others have already said, this sounds incredibly unhealthy. Please remember that you deserve to be happy.

[MC Moot]

ill tidings...best wishes,bro...

[gbsuey]

That is sad news, you always sounded like you really tried hard. A person can only try so hard, and control issues are a real fucker. Just don't drown them sorrows too much.

[b i o n i c]

everything you;ve said sounds fuct to me, it sucks man. and you deserve happiness like everyone sez. also, why does she want you to buy a house but treat you like shit :confused: what is all the control really about? hope for the best for you, homie

[RobMoney$]

Start hiding money.

[ericlee]

I told her that I was leaving and that I have some apartments to look at and I was being dead serious and her attitude changed. I have never told her anything like this before. I think she thinks I'm too scared to do so.

I told her we need counseling and she agrees. I also told her she needs to take a vacation, perhaps go back to China and see her friends. She's been working a butt load of hours and she's stressed but there's no reason to take it out on me. I'm stressed enough as it is.

We'll see how things come along. Last year with her was probably one of our best years since we have been together. I know the slapping was over the top but I don't hold grudges and I'm very patient.

[Echewta]

Just be wary too that if she slaps you in frustration, it will probably happen with the kids you may have. At least you can defend yourself where children can't.

Unless you are ok with striking children.

I'm not trying to have you get out of a relationship but its something not many people think about when their significant other doesn't things that are inappropriate. Think how your children will feel if they had to deal and you weren't around.

[Waus]

I told her we need counseling and she agrees.

Good for you guys. I wouldn't dream of encouraging a bad relationship, but I hope things get better for both of you.

[mickill]

Sorry to hear about your woes, e. Hope you get it all sorted out soon.

[monkey]

i don't mean to be rude, and i have read your threads about your conflicts with your wife, but i have a question for you. while i do agree with others and you that your wife may benefit from therapy, etc., i wonder what your role in this entire thing really is from your wife's perspective. i wonder if there are things that YOU could do as well to fix the relationship as opposed to just placing the change on her. I'm not at all implying that this is your fault. But maybe couples therapy would help you both understand each other better, and maybe that would help her not get so crazy with you? :o

[kaiser soze]

my guess is that she is uptight and traditional and he is loose and unpredictable

nothing wrong with either but definitely could bring a cosmic clash at times

so how goes mr lee?

[LongDuckDong]

Chinese girls call me Dick Swing Lo.

[ericlee]

I'm not unpredictable at all. I literally go to work and come home everyday. Mainly because NY is a bit too much for me. I get enough of it at work everyday so going home and relaxing is my sanctuary.

I drink on the weekends, at home, unless she wants to go somewhere which is never because she likes to stay at home on the weekends too because she's always walking around NY to find stories for her job so she's a bit tired of it too.

The only time we have argued lately is when I had friends over. I had one over once in Nov and as I said, we had a fallout and then 3 weeks ago, we had another fallout so I guess she wants me to completely cut my social life. They're the only 2 people that I have hung out with within the whole, almost 4 years I have lived here.

I used to go out all the time when her parents lived here. I'd be out till the early a.m. hours but since her parents have been gone, I quit going out. I really didn't like that lifestyle myself but I had to.

I think one thing that is messing our relationship up is the fact that we hardly see each other anymore. I wake up at 5am and I'm at work till 3pm and by the time I get home, she's at work and she gets home by the time I'm in bed.

So far, it's narrowed down to me having friends and drinking. I hardly have friends over and I drink on the weekends only. She wants to cut those out then she has taken complete control over me.

But we'll see how things go.

[Documad]

I'll quote myself, paraphrasing myself:

I'm going to break my promise and post the same thing that made you mad last time: You need to see a professional. By yourself. Not with the wife. You need to talk this through with someone who knows what he/she is doing. This board is a great place to vent. People here like you. They will tell you what they think you want to hear or maybe they just haven't experienced anything as serious as what you're going through. If you want to vent, vent here. If you want advice, please see a professional. I have two friends who did (without the spouse). They both only went to a few sessions and they were helped -- one stayed in the marriage and one left and they both think they made the right choice. Go just one time. If you don't like it you don't have to go again.

I wish you and your wife all the best.

My parents both got off on the drama of their fights and they loved the shit out of each other. If that's your situation, it's fine with me. My dad used to threaten to leave my mom all the time but it never happened, until he died at 69.

Oh, and since the last time I posted that stuff in the quote, the friend who went to therapy and saved the marriage had a baby. :)

[hpdrifter]

Wow, man. I know our situations are not the same but if you really see no future then you should probably get out of the house. That's what I had to do and it was hard but I'm now almost two months in and living on my own. It doesn't mean you have to make any major decisions right away but being separated gives you a perspective you couldn't otherwise get. It's expensive paying for two living spaces but nothing is more valuable than your own mental health and getting what you want out of life.

My husband has also had an epiphany and thinks he's changed and sees things from a different perspective now. If he did, that's great. For him. Counseling is a great way to go, together or separate.

[ToucanSpam]

:(

This sucks. I'm really sorry to hear this.

[ericlee]

Oh this damn thread. I wish I didn't make it.

I left her for that one night. We're working things out and we don't argue often at all. Just when we do, it's real ugly. Thanks for the support and stuff. I think we can manage it.

Now die, thread.

[LongDuckDong]

I'm sold. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPl5yjn_W-c)

[hpdrifter]

I guess I'd also agree with monkey, are there things you are doing that are exacerbating this problem? You've alluded to problems with drugs and alcohol in your past. I know you're not on the drugs anymore but do you have the alcohol under as much control as you think you do?

Are you quiet when you have friends over late at night? I gotta say, that drives me fucking nuts. Maybe she just doesn't like having guests over, especially guests that regularly overstay their welcome. I have talked here about friends of mine that will just linger til all hours of the night and into the next day, the next evening sometimes. So they just can't come over anymore. Of all of the things my husband didn't support me on, at least he respected that our home was my sanctuary and when I asked him to stop inviting people over to crash at all hours of the night all the time he did.

[paul jones]

every time I see this thread on the menu I think someone else has left their wife.

[ericlee]

I guess I'd also agree with monkey, are there things you are doing that are exacerbating this problem? You've alluded to problems with drugs and alcohol in your past. I know you're not on the drugs anymore but do you have the alcohol under as much control as you think you do?

Are you quiet when you have friends over late at night? I gotta say, that drives me fucking nuts. Maybe she just doesn't like having guests over, especially guests that regularly overstay their welcome. I have talked here about friends of mine that will just linger til all hours of the night and into the next day, the next evening sometimes. So they just can't come over anymore. Of all of the things my husband didn't support me on, at least he respected that our home was my sanctuary and when I asked him to stop inviting people over to crash at all hours of the night all the time he did.

I limit my alcohol to 2 times a week and I do drink to get a buzz. I don't drink on weekdays and there are some times when I only drink one time a week. I haven't called off work due to it and I don't go out and party till the late morning hours so, I guess you can say I have it under control.

As far as friends go, I have the one from my hometown and he's only been at my place 3 or 4 times since we have lived in NY which is a little over 3 years and when he comes over, he'll stay because he lives in LI and it's kind of a hike for him. She always agreed with him staying, just that last time we did get a bit loud and she had a reason to get mad but no reason to come storming out of the bedroom yelling like she did.

The other one that stops over just stops by for maybe a few hours and he's gone and he's only been by maybe 3 times as well. It's just that she came home from work earlier than I had expected and he was here and she had this attitude that drove him off and that's when our argument occurred.

She has never before told me that I couldn't have friends over so we talked about it and have agreed that if I want to bring someone over, I just tell her beforehand and she will go to her parent's house.

Things have been better since then and we'll try to work it out.

[Myu-to]

Glad to hear you're going to try to work things out. I had my phone stolen so I don't have your number anymore, give me holla if you need to though. All the best, my man.

[miss soul fire]

I'm not unpredictable at all. I literally go to work and come home everyday. Mainly because NY is a bit too much for me. I get enough of it at work everyday so going home and relaxing is my sanctuary.

I drink on the weekends, at home, unless she wants to go somewhere which is never because she likes to stay at home on the weekends too because she's always walking around NY to find stories for her job so she's a bit tired of it too.

The only time we have argued lately is when I had friends over. I had one over once in Nov and as I said, we had a fallout and then 3 weeks ago, we had another fallout so I guess she wants me to completely cut my social life. They're the only 2 people that I have hung out with within the whole, almost 4 years I have lived here.

I used to go out all the time when her parents lived here. I'd be out till the early a.m. hours but since her parents have been gone, I quit going out. I really didn't like that lifestyle myself but I had to.

I think one thing that is messing our relationship up is the fact that we hardly see each other anymore. I wake up at 5am and I'm at work till 3pm and by the time I get home, she's at work and she gets home by the time I'm in bed.

So far, it's narrowed down to me having friends and drinking. I hardly have friends over and I drink on the weekends only. She wants to cut those out then she has taken complete control over me.

But we'll see how things go.

Well, that sucks. I can't say I went through the same thing as you, but I dated a very jealous guy for nearly 3 years and I didn't have any friends anymore, now that we are apart since December I got to know great people and I'm having fun and happier as ever. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't be happy when you give away your life because of someone who doesn't understand you. I'm not saying she's jealous, but you know...I hope your life leads you to a good way.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

I'm happy for you. But I admit, I'm a little nervous for you too. I really hope that 3 months from now you aren't creating the same kind of thread... I remember a similar thread to this in the past.

I hope that doesn't happen, and that you two can make it work.

[bigfatlove06]

[QUOTE=ericlee;1726797]I told her that I was leaving and that I have some apartments to look at and I was being dead serious and her attitude changed. I have never told her anything like this before. I think she thinks I'm too scared to do so.

I told her we need counseling and she agrees. I also told her she needs to take a vacation, perhaps go back to China and see her friends. She's been working a butt load of hours and she's stressed but there's no reason to take it out on me. I'm stressed enough as it is.

Hey man. Everybody gets something in a relationship that carries on. I don't know what either of you are getting from the relationship, but (even if you are miserable most of the time) the reason many people hang on to failed relationships is because they are comfortable with the predictability. Leaving a relationship that is no good (to me) means first recognizing which needs ARE being fulfilled, and then asking "can the same needs be filled without all of the problems"? I'm not preaching at all. I am currently married to someone with whom I plan to divorce (we have known this for 7 years) when we are able to do so without impacting our kids as much. Think about what you're getting right now that is a positive, then HONESTLY answer whether or not it is reasonable that you could get that elsewhere without all the negativity.