Remaining friends after a LTR.

[RobMoney$]

Is it possible?

After recently ending a long term relationship, my ex wants to remain friends and continue spending time with my kids.
I'm not sure if it's possible.

I mean how do you remain friends with someone who you just broke up with? Obviously there's something about them that made you not want to be around them anymore, thus the reason you broke up.

As for my kds, they're old enough (15 & 16yo) to figure out for themselves whether or not they wish to continue to have a relationship with her or not at this point, but it just seems sort of pointless IMO.
I mean it's only a matter of time until either one of us starts seeing someone else, and "visiting" will pretty much cease at that point anyway.

Is it possible to be around the person and neither one of you will want to reconcile, and the other won't which will only mean more dissappointment for at least one of you?

Anybody ever achieve "friendship" after ending a LTR with someone?

[yeahwho]

Tried it, worked for a summer then I met another woman and by winter the old relationship and even the people who went with it, relatives, casual friends and some of our old favorite haunts were out. Not my decision but my new girlfriends decision. She didn't want to deal with baggage that didn't work in the first place and I was gracious enough to think, yep.

So perhaps it will work for now, but when you do eventually trick another woman ;) to go out with you I'm betting dollars to donuts it's bye bye to the ex. Because I agree, whats the point other than to bring up glaring defects of the past... without that connection your mind will recover the relevant memories to make it right.

I moved from a local island to a condo in downtown Seattle after my last breakup, from the farm to the scene. Best move I ever made.

[Bob]

my mom and dad are divorced but still friends. they're even on good terms with each others' new significant others (and i won't get into too many personal details but let's just say that they'd have every reason not to). at least as far as they let me know.

it might be different with marriage though, i don't know much about these things

[checkyourprez]

Is it possible?

After recently ending a long term relationship, my ex wants to remain friends and continue spending time with my kids.
I'm not sure if it's possible.

I mean how do you remain friends with someone who you just broke up with? Obviously there's something about them that made you not want to be around them anymore, thus the reason you broke up.

As for my kds, they're old enough (15 & 16yo) to figure out for themselves whether or not they wish to continue to have a relationship with her or not at this point, but it just seems sort of pointless IMO.
I mean it's only a matter of time until either one of us starts seeing someone else, and "visiting" will pretty much cease at that point anyway.

Is it possible to be around the person and neither one of you will want to reconcile, and the other won't which will only mean more dissappointment for at least one of you?

Anybody ever achieve "friendship" after ending a LTR with someone?

idk man i think it depends why you two broke up. if someone cheated obviously no. but if its one of those things where you just didnt lust for her anymore (or vis versa), its not a personal thing its more of an attraction thing. there are other scenarios that could go along the same lines that i think could render a post LTR friendship salvageable.

[abcdefz]

I mean how do you remain friends with someone who you just broke up with? Obviously there's something about them that made you not want to be around them anymore, thus the reason you broke up.


?

that's kinda what I've always thought. Only one I ever stayed friends with broke up with ME, not me her. And we were friends for two years first.

[RobMoney$]

idk man i think it depends why you two broke up. if someone cheated obviously no. but if its one of those things where you just didnt lust for her anymore (or vis versa), its not a personal thing its more of an attraction thing. there are other scenarios that could go along the same lines that i think could render a post LTR friendship salvageable.


There was no infidelity on either one of our parts.
We just wanted different things out of life.
She wants kids of her own and marriage. I want neither, and she knew that from they day we got together.
It was her decision to leave, but I have to admit that I wasn't in love with her either.

I just sort of think her continuing to see my kids is like tearing the band-aid off over and over for them. They did love her, especially my daughter. My GF was here for her for some pretty formative years for a girl (11-16).

The thought of being friends with her potential future bf, or my potential future gf just seems extremely weird to me.
Never even heard of someone doing that before.

[Bob]

The thought of being friends with her potential future bf, or my potential future gf just seems extremely weird to me.
Never even heard of someone doing that before.

well, i should clarify that they don't go out of their ways to hang out with each other or anything, it's just that when they're all together it's perfectly amiable (again, as far as they let me know). it doesn't come up that much, usually it's for an event related to me.

[RobMoney$]

Weird.
You never think your life will turn out the way it does.

I mean who thinks "I want to grow up, have kids, get divorced, meet someone else, break up with them but remain friends and continue to allow her to be my kids female role model in life".

[ms.peachy]

I just sort of think her continuing to see my kids is like tearing the band-aid off over and over for them. They did love her, especially my daughter. My GF was here for her for some pretty formative years for a girl (11-16).


I don't know about that. As you said, she was there for some pretty important years and maintaining some continuity in that relationship could be really valuable. I think you kind of have to leave it up to your kids to decide. Maybe she can go out to lunch with them and just say "Look, you know me and your dad aren't going to be a 'couple' anymore, but you are still really important people to me. I was hoping that if it's OK with you, I can call you sometimes, or you can call me if you want to, and we can still do stuff like go to a movie once in a while, or out for pizza, or whatever, because I'd be really sad to lose your friendship." And then leave it up to the kids, mate. For your girl especially, I think it's a really nice idea to have an adult female she trusts that she can talk to who isn't her mom.

[kaiser soze]

breaking up is hard to do! (http://www.google.com/url?q=http://popup.lala.com/popup/432627082211523812&ei=W8bcS82lKYH_8Aa2tPHvBw&sa=X&oi=music_play_track&resnum=1&ct=result&cd=2&ved=0CAcQ0wQoADAA&usg=AFQjCNH7S0dNpD7Cr0R_e_T_2Wkp8sC4AA)

sounds like you made up your mind, so time to move on....don't drag it out, it might actually give the kids the wrong impression on how to manage a broken relationship - they need to learn how to cope and move on as well.

[ms.peachy]

it might actually give the kids the wrong impression on how to manage a broken relationship - they need to learn how to cope and move on as well.

But what will they learn if she is just cut from their lives, with no say of their own? That their feelings don't really matter? That she couldn't possibly have really loved them, if she was able to just walk away from them because she's not with their dad anymore? That they are disposable; after all, they are only the kids, how they feel about not having her around anymore is irrelevant?

[kaiser soze]

yeah it could go either way - it depends on how toxic the relationship gets and eventually if both of them meet other people then more than likely the visits would slow down significantly or end all together.

Why drag it out if there is already a feeling that it won't work out?

[RobMoney$]

I don't know about that. As you said, she was there for some pretty important years and maintaining some continuity in that relationship could be really valuable. I think you kind of have to leave it up to your kids to decide. Maybe she can go out to lunch with them and just say "Look, you know me and your dad aren't going to be a 'couple' anymore, but you are still really important people to me. I was hoping that if it's OK with you, I can call you sometimes, or you can call me if you want to, and we can still do stuff like go to a movie once in a while, or out for pizza, or whatever, because I'd be really sad to lose your friendship." And then leave it up to the kids, mate. For your girl especially, I think it's a really nice idea to have an adult female she trusts that she can talk to who isn't her mom.


I was hoping you'd have an opinion to share about this, Ms. Peachy.
You seem to offer pretty good advice on relationships.

As things stand right now, I left it up to my kids.
I told them that we just didn't love each other anymore, but that they were old enough to decide for themselves whether they wanted to continue a relationship with her.
I asked them both if they had any anger towards either my GF or me about the breakup, and they both said they were OK about it now.
The ex has taken them out several times now since she moved out of our home and emails my daughter regularly. She has been a positive influence on them. I don't doubt that she loves my kids, and misses them. I'm just unsure if it's the best thing in the long term to allow this to drag on.

Also, my kids have minimal contact with their mother, by their mother's choice. She's no influence in their lives at all and hasn't been for about 10 years now.

[russhie]

My ex and I were together for close enough to eight years, and we were friends for about a year and a half afterwards. I stopped being friendly with him because he was really slack - I wouldn't tolerate that from my regular friends, so, it made sense to cut him out of my life.

Apparently he was fairly upset about it but he's always been a "what will be, will be" kind of person (one of his more frustrating attributes) and when I ended it, he never sought to try and convince me that our friendship spanning 15+ years was worth salvaging. I haven't seen, spoken to or had any form of contact with him for about 6 months now, and it's been good - pretty much the only reason I stayed friends with him after the breakup was that we were going to try again in a few years time.

I think Peachy is right too - the scenario's a bit different, but my ex's mum was there for me during some difficult teenage years. While I have no contact with my ex, I do still see his mum and I consider her family. I made the choice to remain friends with her and I've never regretted it. I think you just have to leave it up to your daughter, I've appreciated having an older woman around who isn't my mum to talk to and help me. Even today at 25 :o

[Dorothy Wood]

i agree with peachy. i think if your ex and your kids should hang out if that's what they want to do. my mom kept in touch with her last husband's daughter after they divorced, it just kinda fizzled out as their lives became less connected. doesn't mean they shouldn't have tried...no use ending something because you think it might end some day, i say let things unfold naturally. but she prob shouldn't be hanging out at your house or anything.

[hpdrifter]

I'm still friends with both of my ex LTRs. Why not? We know each other so well, if I need a gut check about something I ask him and he'll call me on my bullshit, support my decision and/or offer his perspective. And vice versa. Why throw that away?

[GreenEarthAl]

I have made the transition back to being friends with long term relationships before. Seems like quite the natural thing to do.

[monkey]

i think this is less about you being friends with your ex and more about your kids remaining friends with her, meaning that even if you don't want to remain friends, you should encourage your kids to continue their friendship with her. It is important that they know that even though your relationship is over, the feelings that your ex shared towards your kids and vice versa don't end when the relationship between adults ends. Especially for your girl, I think, it's really important to have a good female figure who is there when they need to talk about things that you, as a dad, just won't understand. I think that even if you decide to never contact your ex again, you should encourage the relationship between her and your kids, for their sake. Eventually, they'll get old enough to decide how to pursue that relationship in their adult life.

p.s: i hope, also for the kids' sake, that neither you or your ex speak ill of each other in front of the kids. that's my biggest pet peeve in break up/divorce situations, because the kids don't need to know the reasons that you didn't get along as a couple, they only need to know that they are loved regardless of the relationship status of their parents/caretakers.

[Waus]

I thought this was going to be about a Lord of The Rings marathon.


Those put a real strain on relationships.

[Dorothy Wood]

I thought this was going to be about a Lord of The Rings marathon.


Those put a real strain on relationships.

HA!

[Bob]

I thought this was going to be about a Lord of The Rings marathon.


Those put a real strain on relationships.

so THAT's what i did wrong...it all makes sense now

[venusvenus123]

I also agree with Peachy. I think that there is no reason why your children shouldn't continue to have a relationship with your ex, especially as you said that your daughter developed a bond with her.

A good friend of mine and her sister have always had a relationship with their father's ex-wife who he married before he met their mother. I think that's unusual but great.

Sorry to hear that your kids' mother doesn't want much contact with her children :(

[Burnout18]

Are you a jealous person? Can you honestly be friendly with her if she is in a relationship and you arent?

Good luck tho.

[RobMoney$]

i think this is less about you being friends with your ex and more about your kids remaining friends with her, meaning that even if you don't want to remain friends, you should encourage your kids to continue their friendship with her. It is important that they know that even though your relationship is over, the feelings that your ex shared towards your kids and vice versa don't end when the relationship between adults ends. Especially for your girl, I think, it's really important to have a good female figure who is there when they need to talk about things that you, as a dad, just won't understand. I think that even if you decide to never contact your ex again, you should encourage the relationship between her and your kids, for their sake. Eventually, they'll get old enough to decide how to pursue that relationship in their adult life.

This is sort of getting to the heart of the matter of my problem.
Why should I encourage my kids to continue a relationship with yet another person who choose to move on from them.
Their mother is no longer in their life very much, and that's not something I'm willing to go into here about, and now another female role model has left.My daughter cried for about a week. My son didn't really show too much emotion over it.

I'm not so sure you can just make it as black and white as my relationship with my ex, and my kids relationship with her being completely seperate because the bottom line is when my kids come home from school each day, she's no longer here.
She made the decision to end our relationship, and I understood and agreed that I wasn't in love with her either, but my kids felt the pain too.
Will the fact that their mother not being there, and now another person they looked to as a mother figure now not being there affect the way they handle their own relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends? Probably.
So our breakup most definitely is a breakup with my kids too.
Although I want them to continue to be friends if that's what everyone wants, I also don't want to send a message that it's OK to be someone's doormat.
Perhaps the best message to show them is to not let it get you down,. Allow yourself time to heal, but be strong. to pick yourself up by your own bootstraps and move on with life. Nobody else can make you happy in life, you have to make yourself happy.



p.s: i hope, also for the kids' sake, that neither you or your ex speak ill of each other in front of the kids. that's my biggest pet peeve in break up/divorce situations, because the kids don't need to know the reasons that you didn't get along as a couple, they only need to know that they are loved regardless of the relationship status of their parents/caretakers.

Not a problem. I actually feel the exact same way about disparaging the other "parent" in those situations.
I have a stepson, my ex-wife's son. So I've actually dealt with his father saying a bunch of negative crap to him about his mom and me. I've never talked shit to my kids about my ex-wife, and I don't really see any reason why I'd say anything negative about my ex-gf to them.
I don't hate my ex. It wasn't a breakup that involved a lot of anger or anything.
Couldn't imagine my ex doing anything like that either, totally not her style.

[RobMoney$]

Are you a jealous person? Can you honestly be friendly with her if she is in a relationship and you arent?

Good luck tho.


If she finds someone else that makes her happy, I'd be happy for her because I couldn't. There's no ill will between us.
It's not really about me being happy or jealous at this point though.
I'm just trying to make the best decision for my kids.

[Burnout18]

If she finds someone else that makes her happy, I'd be happy for her because I couldn't. There's no ill will between us.
It's not really about me being happy or jealous at this point though.
I'm just trying to make the best decision for my kids.

good man.

I asked cause i know i wouldn't be able to maintain a friendship if she was in a relationship, I am kind of a prick with ex's if they move on faster than me,,, therefore it wouldn't be possible for me.

But sounds like she was important, to at least your daughter, so maybe you should give it your best shot to work it out.

[Dorothy Wood]

in reference to how the women that have been in your life will affect your children's future relatonships, I don't think you have much control no matter what decisions you make about visitation. The leaving happened, can't change that. In my opinion it's healthier for kids to see a relationship end amicably, rather than see fighting or even just a loveless partnership that just goes on and on for no reason.

People leave sometimes, that's life...the whole thing will probably make your kids better equipped to handle emotional hardship later. but I don't think cutting your ex out of your kids' lives is necessary, especially if she and they are willing and able to continue a positive relationship.