I need some advice

[nodanaonlyzuul]

Hi. I figured since I know a lot of you, maybe you could give me some advice.

Unfortunately last week, my partner lost his Mother in a very traumatic way. She took her own life.

That is so, SO much to deal with. It's enough to lose your Mom, but to lose her like that? Then he also has the weight on his shoulders of being the sole executor of her will and assets. He's in charge of everything.

I dropped everything to be with him the moment I found out. I was there with him the entire time and we left at the same time to go back home. I let him know that I will always be here for him for anything and everything he needs. I was strong for him, except one moment, the night after the service. I started crying and held him saying that I was sorry, and how this is so unfair and how much I want to make it go away. He truly, truly is one of the most amazing, kind people in this world. He doesn't have ONE mean bone in his body, seriously. He's the kind of guy that everyone loves.

I don't know what else I can do. I'm not sure if there IS anything else I can do.

I just got some information on a grief counselor in case he needs it. But I'm not sure on how to approach him with that or if I should even approach him with it yet.

If anyone has experience from either losing their parent, or their partner losing their parent, any advice or input on what I should be doing for him is appreciated.

He seems to be putting on the strong face as he really is the anchor in his family. he has a sense of humor still and is obviously sad but, I don't know. My point is I just want to do what else I might be able to do.

[Freebasser]

Ach, Crystal, that's awful. Really, really awful.

I've not had to deal with the death of a parent or partner's parent, so I can't offer any sound advice. Just be there for him and try to take him to new and interesting places to try to take his mind off things.

This is going to be a massive strain on his heart, but to know you're there for him every step of the way will keep him going until he comes to terms with her death (y)

My condolences to you both.

[hpdrifter]

Oh jesus. I'm so sorry.

I did go through this with my... husband. His father passed away about a year or so into our relationship. I have never seen anyone in that much pain, it was like he couldn't get it out. Silent sobs, just broken.

He said at the time that the best thing I could do was just be around. You don't have to do anything specific, just be present so he can hold your hand when he wants to, so he can hug you and smell you and know he still has a home.

[b i o n i c]

it will probably be a while before he knows how he really feels about this, other than just sad. i think that for now just keep doing what you're doing, give him lots of love (no i didnt mean sex), remind him to ask you for anything he needs and be open to whatever he sends your way.. maybe you can start the talking a little if you notice he doesnt at all. if he wants to talk, talk.. if he doesnt, dont.

you're smart and sensitive though, you're probably doing the right things already.. dont stop taking care of yourself either (y) thats really terrible, sorry to hear

V V V yes, the helping to keep him occupied thing is good too V V V

[kaiser soze]

man, I am so sorry to hear about his mom. It is truly a seemingly unlivable experience when you lose someone without any cause or warning. I hope and pray he and you are doing the best that you can.

Having just lost my dad a few months ago(and quite possibly we could have had some control over his situation) I can understand the overwhelming sense of loss, confusion, anger, and most importantly grief when losing a parent - I am still coping with times of losing my thoughts and heart.

I have also lost a brother and uncle to suicide (one to depression the other to avoiding conviction for cable theft...yes, cable theft) - it is something those who survive cannot wrap their heads around and it all feels like the end, but we must persevere the best that we can. Some people handle it well or internalize, others turn into complete mush and cannot move on or need help.

I think what you have done by finding a grief counselor is one way to help. It is tough because some people do not want to asked how they are feeling or have someone bring it up. If he starts to share how he is feeling let him how what YOU would do for yourself in this situation (ie go talk to a professional), and offer to join him.

Being by his side is the best you can do - offer when he let's you know he needs it, keep him occupied when he needs a break from the stress. Friends and Family will surround him and you, people help out the way can.

I really wouldn't know where to go for the legal stuff, I'm guessing there are lawyers who can help with it.

once again I'm sorry to hear and hope the best, hang in there

[Adam]

There is nothing you can say that will make it better, tho you could say things that can make it worse (which I know you won't). There is only giving it time and you never stop grieving but it gets easier with time. Just gotta be there, they'll be times of un-reasonableness which you gotta weigh how to deal with it with a kick up the arse via sympathy. You know your man, you'll judge him better than he will himself so you've just gotta be there for him. All the best.

[gbsuey]

Oh God that is terrible, what a devastating thing to have to deal with. I've got to say though, i don't think there is much else you can do.....it sounds like you've been doing exactly the best you can do for him. It probably won't even really hit home for a while so hanging on to the grief councillor's number for a while is a great plan.

As for experience, my Dad died less than a week after my youngest son was born so i was majorly busy and in a very strange place anyway so it didn't hit me too hard, i don't think...so from that the only advice would be what you're allready doing, trying to keep him occupied. There may be anger, when my friend killed himself that was a common emotion a lot of family and friends had.

You're there for him, being totally sensitive to how he is, that's the best he could want right now i'm sure. I hope you both cope with it all ok.

[rirv]

Treat him normally, but give him opportunities to let his anger or grief out. The day after my dad died I went to school and had a normal day, routine is king. There is nothing you can do to change what has happened, just be there.

[Dorothy Wood]

Everyone in here has pretty good advice already. I don't have much to add other than to make sure he's not avoiding grief. It might actually be easier for him to let go in front of a neutral person like a therapist, than around you or friends and family.

I know that I got a lot more off my chest and cried a lot more in front of the therapist I had when my step-dad killed himself. I tried to keep it all inside when I was around my family because everyone was all, "you have to be strong for your mom, etc." I was strong, but I needed that vent, for sure.

My best friend's dad died unexpectedly after falling and hitting his head about a month ago, and my friend is pretty depressed. He's acting fairly normally, but goes through periods of stress and anger. I hope he's going to see a therapist soon, because I'm doing my best, but I'm not trained or anything.


Anyway, sorry to hear, your boyfriend is lucky to have your support and he'll get through it in time.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

Thanks everyone for your input. I figured that was I was doing was the best I could do but I didn't want to miss anything I could be forgetting, if that makes sense.

make sure he's not avoiding grief. It might actually be easier for him to let go in front of a neutral person like a therapist, than around you or friends and family.


Yeah this one, what you said is exactly what concerns me most. He has cried, mostly around me (lots of fam was around of course when we were in Palm Springs) with the exception of the beginning of the service itself and when choosing items at the funeral home with his Dad and I was there. I know he tries to be strong for his family so aside from few times I mentioned, and likely the few moments he was alone, he hasn't cried.

His sister told us, while she was upset and drunk (not blaming her for it, totally understandable, but that's why it came out) the details of what she did to kill herself. The description of it is horrifying, and underline/bold/highlight that word x10000. It was bad. Especially for a woman that was so loved, to do what she did.

He admitted that he had moments of, daymares I guess you can call them, about it while we were there. I don't know if he is having that image flash in his head still or not. And since we got home last night, he hasn't cried. So the fact that he hasn't cried, yelled, said he was angry or ... you know just anything, even MORE than what I've witnessed, just makes me a little worried. I just want to make sure he does all the grieving he needs to.

Like I said, the description of her death is horrifying. We had to go through the bathroom in order to access her closet to go through her things, and the bathroom is where it happened. It was cleaned up by then but I know that I had flashes of that image in my head walking through there, so I imagine he did too. I was filled with anxiety every time we went near that room, let alone in it. I can't begin to imagine how HE felt when we were there and doing all that...

I'm definitely holding on to the grief counselors information. I think I might either wait until he says he needs someone to talk to, or giving it a few more days then just mentioning it as an option and leaving the card for him at home so he can use it if he wants and anytime he wants to. I don't want to force it on him, but I want to remind him that it's an option.

[kaiser soze]

:(

and hugs

[Kid Presentable]

Hi, that is horrible news. I was pretty unhinged when I lost one parent, and I went quite mad. But I didn't have family around to offer support as such, friends didn't really get it blah blah and being a young prick I didn't handle it well. I dare say that no matter how far I've come since then, I could even go a bit mental if I lost another parent. You just can't call it. All you can do is your best. I would wait until after the funeral to start thinking about grief counselling, though. Shit is on autopilot up until then. Good luck, because the cycle is a real fucking bastard.

[RobMoney$]

Although I'm sure your sense about something just not being right is based on some solid gut instincts, NOT talking is a normal step in the grieving process.

My Grandfather died when I was 10.
He was like my father figure as I was raised by my grandparents.
Didn't really deal with it, emotionally, until years later when I just broke down one time visiting his grave for no particular reason.
I just carried around a bunch of anger and hurt for all those years that I just finally decided was time to let go of.
It's weird how the mind works sometimes.

I have dealt with four suicides of friends in my lifetime.
Two were over drug debts, one was over being fired from a job, and one over a failed marriage. His wife decided to leave him and he took his own life.

The best advice I can give you is to never allow your BF to blame himself for what happened.
People tend to feel a lot of guilt because they can't get past the "what if's". Like if I had just done this, or just said that, maybe I could have prevented it from happening.
They blame themselves for not recognizing their loved one was depressed too. They have an epiphany sometimes, about a signal or a sign that their loved one was capable of suicide, but they failed to recognize it at the time.
Guilt can be the worst thing.
Don't allow him to fall into that.
The bottom line is that this is not his fault.


Also, I don't think you need to try to be wonder woman.
Allow yourself time to deal with your emotions because this is affecting you too.
Just be there for him as much as you can, even if it's just to put your arm around him to let him know that you're there for him and he's not alone.
That will mean more to him than anything.

I'm terribly sorry to read about this happening.
Good luck, and positive vibes to the both of you.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

I just carried around a bunch of anger and hurt for all those years that I just finally decided was time to let go of.


Thank you for mentioning this. I think it's a good reminder. Not everyone goes through the steps, one after another, immediately. I'd hate to be someone trying to make him get through it all right away if he's not ready for it.

I have moments where it feels like this isn't reality and he and I are going to be all giggly, happy, and having personal problems that aren't big problems at all any minute now. But those moments are fleeting and I remember that this is in fact, real.

I guess as you all said, just let reminding him that I am here for him, mention that a grief counselor is available if he needs it, and just physically be around for him if he needs a hug/kiss/whatever. I'll do anything he needs or wants me to.

Thanks everyone I really do appreciate it.

It's an understatement, but this fucking sucks.

[ms.peachy]

Aww hon. 'Shit' doesn't begin to cover it. I am so sorry. Just love him. I can't add to the advice you've already been given. Just love him. And yes keep that grief counselor's number handy.

[Knuckles]

Good lord that is awful! :(
I'm so sorry for you partner and his sister. Wow... just... unbelievable. :(
I wish I had more to offer but it seems like everyone has already given the best advice.

[Kid Presentable]

He might get annoyed if you coddle him and walk around on eggshells with him, plus you will be perhaps impacting upon your own grieving process. You're upset about his mother too, you know?

[NicRN77]

awful. :( Everyone has already given wonderful advice. I'm with Dorothy, a therapist is a great neutral person. He would really benefit from a therapist, but you can't force him. At some point in the grieving process, you're not going to be able to help him anymore. I don't think it would hurt to just mention a counselor...

[Burnout18]

Sorry to hear about that.

My ex gf's mom attempted suicide (the weekend i drove to her house to break up with her, ugh). She lived but my girl blamed herself... she was remembering shit from high school like when she told her mom she was a terrible person and stuff like that.

It sucked and there was only so many times you can say "it's not your fault, stop thinking that"....just immediately suggest to him to get professional help if he starts blaming himself.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

He seems to have good understanding that he should not blame himself. He's said to many others that have said they could have done something that it's no ones fault, that it's not possible to watch over someone every hour of every day.

I think that's a great sign. Although, I'm sure trying to understand why is something he is thinking about or will think about. I'm here to support though and provide an ear or a phone number to someone outside that can listen though.

This morning it finally felt like although this is still going to suck, that it will get better some day.

[hpdrifter]

I am so surprised at how many people here have had a suicide touch their lives. It's so sad to me that so many people see no other option. I mean, that's not to say I don't understand it, I've had some very low points myself but it still makes me sad.

[HEIRESS]

I went through this with a friend whose dad committed suicide about 6 years ago. Its the most difficult grieving process to deal with.

He totally wanted to skip out on the funeral (even though he was super close with his dad) but my friend and I forced him to go by saying his sister and mom would be devastated if he didn't show up. He flatout refused to attend the gathering afterwards though and made us take him to go play pool somewhere and get drunk instead.
Atleast we spent almost the whole time talking about it that evening, so perhaps that was better than shaking strangers' hands and eating tea sandwiches in a funeral home basement.

My mom happens to run a counselling service out of her home and specializes in grief counselling. Even if he has just one session with someone it might be the best thing for him.
Some places will even do it via phone if the person doesn't want a face to face.

hugs C!

[Myu-to]

When my mother in-law passed away, I was fortunate enough to have talked with her therapist about Tricia and Noah. Tricia is an only child whose mother was everthing to her. Abuse and such from real father step-father, not going to go into detail, but when I say her everything I mean it. And, dealing with nine year old boy who still remembers every word I said to him the night I told him that his Nanny passed away, I knew I needed help. What she told me is whatever they do, however they grieve is right thing at that time. It will be one year in June, and this Mother's Day is going to be the first without her, so I still just watch, and whenever she wants to talk about it, I listen. I guess that's it just keep listening. I also think that it's good that you cried too, where too much could be draining on him, I'm sure he probably appreciated the concern for him.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

Just wanted to say thanks again ya'll.

I've been keeping him busy, we hung out with some friends this weekend, saw a movie, etc. And even though it's still shitty that this even happened and that he is still dealing with the legal side of things... having each other really makes a difference.

[kaiser soze]

Atleast we spent almost the whole time talking about it that evening, so perhaps that was better than shaking strangers' hands and eating tea sandwiches in a funeral home basement.

That is exactly what I did at my dad's funeral and I was like - eh, yeah thanks.

nice to hear you're doing a good job taking care of him - just some company and love is all people need at times.

[b-grrrlie]

Chrystal, I'm really sorry to hear that!
The most important thing is for you to be around, whenever he needs you.

My best friend's son took his life when he was 16 and he was very important to me as well (we were both Aquarians and Rats, and he'd shown me his purple room just a couple of months earlier, inspired by me, but I didn't dare to tell him that purple can be a depressing colour if you use it the wrong way...). She was totally broken down and had difficulties coping with life (there was some other incidents, her daughter's suicide attempts and other domestic things, a few years earlier that affected her son's decision), but she made it through. I just was around taking care of the everyday things and she told me later that it meant a lot to her, just me being there, as she was uncapable to do anything.

Ten years later it still hurts, it never goes away....
But be there, and be strong!

[JimmyTheScumbag]

Sorry you and your man have had to endure such a terrible thing. The one thing I think I would ask myself if I were him is 'Did I do anything that made her do this?'.

I can't imagine how horrible this could make me feel. I would make sure he knew he didn't have anything to do with it.

Enjoy each day.

[milleson]

My mom committed suicide just over 6 months ago. I was solely responsible for settling her estate and all of the other shit that must be tended to when a person dies.

I was enrolled in school, trying keeping my own household functioning, and tending to my mom's affairs simultaneously. It got to where things like going to the grocery store, keeping gas in my car, and reminding the kids to do their homework, were monumental undertakings.

My mom had a shitload of bills, she died uninsured, and her house was a disaster, but it had to go on the market. I spent hours and hours trying to sort things out. All sorts of things - material things, finances, bills, and my own emotions. Everything became twisted, and I was constantly questioning my priorities. I felt like I never knew exactly what I was supposed to be working on at any given time.

My advice to you is in line with b-girrrlie's; help with the little things. Simple things like doing laundry and keeping food in the refrigerator are not to be underestimated.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

I'm so, so sorry to hear that. :(

I can't believe it's something that's touched others here too. It's terrible.

So far, a lot of our friends have pitched in to make us dinners and just food in general. I haven't even gotten the chance to cook a thing yet, but I will once we run out of stuff to eat. And I have helped him with little things too like getting together things he needs so he doesn't have to think about it, and I'll be doing laundry for him before he leaves town,etc. I'm very glad to know that that stuff makes a difference.

[skra75]

I lost one of my oldest friends a while ago when he took his own life. It was tough, like time stopped and doing normal things was hard. I"m a pretty even-keel, humorous guy usually but I was beside myself.

My wife gave me space but in hindsight she actually did a good job of changing the subject and made me laugh, kept me occupied with other things like yardwork and stuff that I guess she knew would keep my mind off of it.

Going to his funeral helped me. Seeing him in his casket helped me to understand he was gone and helped to stop the echoes in my head.

Now time has gone by, and as I look back I realize that in some ways it wasn't a surprise that he did it. In some ways it was this very thing that made me somewhat numb to his passing.

I think when a person you know is troubled to the point of wanted to leave this earth, people who love them know it. Maybe this is why your boyfriend is able to unwire it. For him it's closure, even though it is painful, at least the worry and uncertainty is over. At least it was for me.

my condolences.

just be there for him. make him laugh, and help him to move on in his own way.