I have this problem...

[DipDipDive]

My boyfriend and I are super awesome and totally in love but no matter how hard I try, I can't help but obsess over his romantic / sexual past. It's an odd form of jealousy that I can't quite figure out, and a feeling I've never experienced.

He essentially grew up with all of his current friends. Most of them went to high school together and later went to the same college, so all of his friends (who are now my friends) have a seriously established history with him and know all of his ex-girlfriends. He and his most serious former girlfriend met their sophomore year of college, took eachother's virginity, lived together in Amsterdam for a semester, and got engaged after college. They were together for 5 years and she's still friends with a lot of the same people that I'm now friends with through my boyfriend.

For some reason that intimidates the hell out of me. Like no matter how much his friends like me (which they all do...well, all except one girl who is still really good friends with his ex, which is a separate bullshit chick issue entirely), how involved I am with all of the people who are close to him, or how close he and I are, I somehow feel like I'm not as significant a person in his life as she once was. He's made memories with her that we haven't made together yet and that breaks my heart for some reason.

It also fucking kills me every time I go over to his parents' house (who also like me a lot) and see the picture of he and his more recent ex on their mantle. They've been broken up for over a year and apparently she was an annoying psycho and none of his friends liked her. I'm sure his parents don't even realize that picture is up or that it could potentially bother me...but it does.

I know this is totally irrational and obviously an indication of some kind of insecurity I have and I REALLY want it to go away. I don't know if I'm looking for advice necessarily, just wondering if any of you have had this feeling or can relate to it.

[Dorothy Wood]

my only advice is to remember that he's with you now, and he's an adult now, which informs his choices in a more accurate and genuine way.

i still get a little salty about my boyfriend's last lady friend even though they only dated 3 months or so. just because she was really hot and young and bi and offered threesomes (that never happened). it mainly freaks me out because i had a crush on him when he was with her, so i have an image of them hand in hand skipping away from me, that's like burned into my brain.

however, she sucks, he knows she sucks, and he's with me and wants to be.

so, you just have to think that way. the mature and true partnership is between you and him, right now, and that's all that matters

[Kid Presentable]

He ejaculated in women before you, and he fucking loved it, and you were never on his mind because that's how the past is. The sooner you acknowledge that the sooner you can make the decision to either say something to him or learn to live with your feelings. I'd lean towards the latter. (y)

[DipDipDive]

Yes, you are both right, and I know it.

The issue has only come up in discussion between us in a micro sense, like when I comment on how I hate the aforementioned picture at his parents' house or say things like, "I really can't handle seeing an ex-girlfriend tonight" when we're on or way to a wedding (which thank baby jesus has never actually happened). I know it's not worth talking about with him because it's not an us problem, it's a me problem. His only possible response could be "...Yeah, I have ex-girlfriends, just like you have ex-boyfriends...So what?"

I should be grateful for those bitches, they helped make him really good at being a boyfriend.

uugggghhh I hate my feelings. (n)

[Kid Presentable]

The two things that are unique in all relationships are the individuals in them. And as one of those individuals in this one, you can either be the one who is eaten up by this shit and lets in manifest in all sorts of ridiculous ways, or you can remember how old you are (I mean mature, you know, like how we're grown ups) and be glad to learn this lesson in level-headedness.

He's with you. And you're with him. Being loved is not the issue, because being loved doesn't make us grow. But loving someobody, that shit helps you grow. So you just have to go ahead and love this person, I guess, and suck it up, and fucking get over it.

I saw the manifestation of this recently. A friend of ours hangs out in a group of guys and girls, and she in fact has shagged a few of the guys in this group over the years. She's found her perfect match now, though. And he knows about her history and truly doesn't care.

One of the guys has this new girlfriend though, and she blew up at our friend, saying "You've fucked suchandsuch and blahblah I don't like you being around my boyfriend rantrantrant". And everybody kind of just laughed it off, because it was a pathetic display. Truly pathetic. Funny thing is, the girl who went off at our friend is going out with a guy who used to shag my wife. I've had a few beers with him on occasion. Good bloke. (y) I'm going to stop short of calling you a neurotic American. :D

[Lex Diamonds]

If you're caught up in his past, you won't be part of his future. It's as simple as that.

Stop thinking about the old bitch and concentrate on being the new bitch. He had to learn to fuck you right somewhere, right?

[RobMoney$]

They've been broken up for over a year


A year isn't really all that long if the relationship was as significant as you say it was. It must have been only a few months when he met you then if it's a year now, right? You're concerned he still has feelings for her.

It's natural.

I think if it bothers you, than you need to have a conversation w him about it. Obviously you don't want to come off as jealous or accusatory or anything. Just try to tell him how you feel on the issue. Bottling it up won't make anything go away. If he's a good guy I'm sure he'll be supportive. In 6mos from now when you're planning your wedding you'll probably look back and remember how pointless it was to have those feelings.

Only time together will make your issue go away. The longer you're together, the more confident you'll be in the relationship.
You need to establish some significant memories of your own w him. Maybe plan a trip together?

I'm in a fairly new relationship myself and my gf & I both have the same issues and concerns.

[kaiser soze]

ya know - he probably does have feelings for her and I bet you still have some feelings for your ex's or at least really nice memories and moments

he is with you now, if you let this get in the way it will be you that will sabotage your relationship

[Adam]

I disagree talking about it with him. I say suck it up and distract yourself from it, if you start thinking about it, go for a run, read a book, recite the lords prayer - whatever works for you. Soon enough it'll pass and you'll be married with 3 kids in pleasantsville. (y)

[NicRN77]

If you're caught up in his past, you won't be part of his future. It's as simple as that.


I agree. It seems simple enough...but I totally understand how you can't get over it. As women, we are always in our minds. I've had similar experiences with exbf's.

[M|X|Y]

The 'as women' thing is completely untrue. my bitch is the coolest chick ever and the farthest thing from jealous which has endeared me to her 1000x more. Not all women care about shit like this and i would tell you guys that learning to get over shit like this will not only make your man happier, but yourself happier.

It's all in your head. And you have to teach yourself that if someone's intentions are bad, there's most likely nothing you can do about it and if they are to act on those intentions, they are doing you a favor by revealing themselves to you and letting you not waste any more life on a person who doesn't make you happy.

Jealousy hurts. Life is too short to do it to yourself.

[NicRN77]

The 'as women' thing is completely untrue.

my comment wasn't saying 'as women we are all jealous,' it was about how we think too much!

[Kid Presentable]

Nah me and my cock and balls all think too much.

[DIGI]

Your boy should have a little foresight to tell his parents to take that picture down. I'm sure he's been home enough to know that it's still up and it's just slipped his mind, but it's not very tasteful. Other than that, you need to chill the fuck out. Dwelling on that type of shit will make a bitch nutty. It's not worth the ag.

[Kid Presentable]

I agree on the picture point Digi made. I don't want to sow the seeds of discontent, but he's a bit of a twat for letting them leave it up, and it sort of seems a little pathological. My parents fight over using the fancy air-freshener when I visit (it's like the fucking Costanzas round there) but I can still tell them what to do.

[M|X|Y]

Gotcha Nic and agreed re: the parents, the photo and telling them to take dat shit down. abfuckingsolutely(y)

[Kid Presentable]

I agree with that. Agreeance by consensus is what separates us from the dead.

I remember a woman once telling me something and in between zoning in and out of the conversation she said something about how women just want men to listen and men always try to solve the problem. And then the dudes in this thread are all trying to solve this problem. haha

[M|X|Y]

yeah, you're fri-fuck-iggen riot, kid. also +1 on my agreeance and affirmative concensus on dudes fixing problems when ladies just want to vent. i think a good way to make that work is just wait till later to say what you think. 100%

[Kid Presentable]

Yeah I agree with all that.

[Dorothy Wood]

yeah, tell him to take down the picture.

sometimes if you keep things to yourself too much, they fester.

[Kid Presentable]

I agree!

[NicRN77]

how women just want men to listen and men always try to solve the problem.

exactly.

[Kid Presentable]

You should have disagreed with me.

[M|X|Y]

exactly.

I told you what you can tell your menz to do about that!

[Dorothy Wood]

i think we can all agree that yallz nutz!

what?

oh yeah, i came back to say that time will be a factor. my bff used to get upset about her boyfriend and his ex had lived together for 2 years in boston. but now they've been together about 4 years, so she doesn't feel insecure anymore. still doesn't care for the other lady though, heh.

oh! i remember what happened that really helped her: her boyf went on a road trip to a wedding with his ex and another friend, and she was really uneasy about it...but when he came back he was like "omg i'm so thankful i'm with you and not her, she's so mean!"

(i'm paraphrasing here, he doesn't actually talk like a tween)

anyway, after that a lot of jealousy went away

[ToucanSpam]

Lots of great advice already in this thread from Dorothy and others. Nice work!

I personally think that you're a long ways from being a "nutty" girlfriend. You have every right to talk about how you feel, whether it's intimidated or inadequate. With that said, like Kid P and others said, you can't let that become a regular topic of thought/discussion. The fact of the matter is he is with you today and that's where he wants to be, so why concern yourself over his past?

It sounds like you fit in with his friends/family and that's truly a wonderful thing. Best of luck.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

What Rob said was all of this is on point.

I've had the same issue when I first starting dating my current boyfriend. He was with his ex for 7 years. The fact that she was with him for 7 years was very intimidating, especially considering that we eventually got in to a serious relationship.

He had photos with friends that had her in it too here and there. At first, I didn't say anything to him because a lot of the photos were with her and his long time friends so I didn't want to be a bitch about it if he was keeping them because his friends were in the photos as well.

But I just kept thinking about it and it kept eating at me because I bottled it. So I finally just had to talk to him about it and be honest about my feelings. In a non-accusatory, calm manner of course and just talking it out made me feel better and I was over it. He understood, came to a compromise and put away some of the photos, got rid of some that he found that were of just them together. A month later we put photos up of our own of the memories we have made together.

After that and for the past two years I have never thought about her nor does any jealousy ever occur.

I'm here now with him and that's what matters. (y)
Also she sucked and his entire family hated her so that certainly helped me get over it. Also she never put out. She was the definition of a frigid bitch, lol. ;)

But seriously, nudge him to tell his parents that they should probably take that old photo down at this point. I agree with others that he should have had the foresight on that one. I wouldn't say that he is a bad guy though, it could be that he just didn't think of it because, well, guys are just like that sometimes.

[skra75]

I'd reply with something insightful but I just blew cigar smoke in my eyes and it burns like hell.:(