Shyness

[Adam]

I hate being so shy.

Anyone else shy, know it but seem to do nothing about it?

I was out last night, was a good time etc - I did get talking and dancing with some girl, she was really nice, very hot but I shied away, looked for my friends and when I came back she was kissing some other guy in less time than it took that me and her hung out. She may of been a slut but so what.

Also out with a friend of mine last night, damn she was looking good - like "holy fucking shit how hot are you outside of work"and although I've had a crush on her for about a year (when we first met), I've never said. In fact I pretty much almost ignored her all night.

Countless times my shyness has stopped me getting some or not come across so socially retarded. I'm guessing easily would of found the one or something by now if I just grew some balls and was able to be that little bit more charming, ha.

[Lex Diamonds]

I think the word you're looking for is "Gay", not shy.

And nah I'm not. Unless it's someone I desperately want to bone then I lose some of my suaveness... but not all.

[gbsuey]

you just have to think "fuck it" life's too short and it's not going to kill you if they don't reciprocate your feelings...might sting a bit but chin up. you're probably beating yourself up (and off-bwahahahaha) more for not saying anything. anything good comes along...take a chance and go for it. yeah! woop...motivational or what??

[Helvete]

I was never shy in the fact that I couldn't speak with people, but I'd never, ever actually would ask a girl out or anything like that. Then one day, some light shone down on me from the sky, I heard a voice and got a warm feeling, and from that day on, I was unstoppable.

Maybe you just haven't had your light yet.

[Adam]

Yes, it might that I am gay but even if I wanted a cock in my arse I think I'd still be the same round guys.

I know all this to say "fudge it" etc, you gotta just bite the bullet and its not like I never get any, I probably get more than average for a fat ugly guy. But its mainly when I have to think on my feet, I'll all of a sudden think "wow, this girl is hot and she ain't used the pepper spray yet and seems kinda into me <runsawayandhide>"

I dunno, its hard to explain it, but I've been like it since I was a teen, no trauma that I can think of to bring it in, but I just think some people are shy no matter how much booze you drink or coke you take.

[Dorothy Wood]

I'm shy, but some of it's anxiety and some of it's just plain old misanthropy.

these days, I just don't care what people think of me so I do and say whatever I please for the most part.

but meeting new people always makes me anxious...unless I'm drunk. but even then, most times I'd just rather not meet new people. and I think that's okay. however, when I was single, it was much more of a problem. I met that guy by joining a club though, and it took 2 years for anything to happen.

what can I say, life mostly sucks

[Adam]

I still love life and most of it - it doesn't suck. Its not like one thing consumes me but I do see my pitfalls. No-one is a perfect specimen of a human being.

except padster ofc

[Lex Diamonds]

Except me obviously.

[miss soul fire]

I'm shy, especially with people I don't know well. There are these guys that work in the same room as me, but I barely talk to them because I'm shy. However, almost all girls from my side of the room don't talk to them, but I'm usually nice to people, so that sucks. Sometimes I avoid talking to them so they don't think I have a crush on them or something. There's this guy at work that always look at me, but we barely talk. He's nice, though he has a girlfriend. Anyway, I'm not really interested in him. I just like to talk to guys. I love guy friends'. I'm sick of being friends with girls. So, anyway, sometimes I get shy when the guy is too ugly or too handsome or too stupid. What the heck. I always get shy, but I love talking.:DWhat a book...

[TurdBerglar]

people try to force me to be social to them all the time. i think it's because they think im being shy and they're trying to be nice/helpful or whatever. or maybe im just an asshole that expects to only to talk the people i like. some people just don't get it when they're being ignored. if im talking to this guy but not talking to you it means i don't want to talk to you. LEAVE ME ALONE!

[Kid Presentable]

^Jeez life is fucking hard isn't it?

[TurdBerglar]

yeah im a dick i guess

[Kid Presentable]

The sense I'm getting is that you avoid people because they annoy you, yet in avoiding them you're still annoyed.

[TurdBerglar]

seems like there's just some people that can't accept being avoided so they just keep digging at you hoping you'll be friendly to them

and i think they accept my avoidence as shyness so they think they're doing me a service by trying to be friendly with me

[Lex Diamonds]

I'm just getting that he's extremely socially retarded.

[TurdBerglar]

nah

i just don't like being around people that try to force you to be social with them

[Lex Diamonds]

You mean you don't like being around people whose company you don't enjoy. That's the same for anyone.

But the way you describe it is some Rain Man shit.

[TurdBerglar]

no i mean like say you're in the break room at work with headphones on, reading the newspaper and eating a sandwich. someone comes by that you barely know and sits by you and tries to chat you up while you have headphones on and burried in a newspaper. and no matter how uninterested you appear they just keep trying to force you to talk to them. they just won't go away or shut up. what are they thinking?

[Helvete]

Personally I don't think I have come across anyone like that, I could imagine it's really annoying but I just didn't think people act like that. It's a bit like saying 'I hate it when people come up to you and just start masturbating right in front of you', yeah it'd be fucking gross, but it doesn't happen.

[Lex Diamonds]

Sounds like he's reaching in some kind of attempted Asperger's cover-up.

[Adam]

Except me obviously.

except padster ofc

You're kinda predictable padster. But as you say, you did point out the obvious :p

I am a bit of hermit. I'm not comfortable in crowded spaces, I need to know where the exits are, where I can grab some fresh air, where I can chill even for just for 2 minutes then I can go back into the club or whatever. But I don't think that is my shyness, just a preference on personal space.

Friday night I genuinely liked this girl (in the drunk state I was in at the time), the other girl I was dancing with (a friend of mine) went somewhere else to give us space and even tho it was set up for me, my shyness had messed it up before it began. And thus this thread the next morning. It was a club night after a comedy evening, only those that who saw the comedy should be in the club (although I did sneak my before mentioned friend in). So common interest was already there, it wasn't a crowded place, room at the bar (but not cheap, jeez) and people dancing to 90s music. It couldn't of been set up more sweetly for me - I had no complaints. Yet I still didn't thrive in the most natural of habitats. No way as bad as I once was with shyness but no where near where I'd like to be - being 30 years old should of sorted all that in my 20s probably. Ah well :o

[Bob]

i wouldn't know anything about shyness, when i'm not having sex with women i'm noticing women wanting sex with me or people of one gender or another seeking profitable business with me

it's a nice life i assume everyone's is the same

[Adam]

i wouldn't know anything about shyness, when i'm not having sex with women i'm noticing women wanting sex with me or people of one gender or another seeking profitable business with me

it's a nice life i assume everyone's is the same

Yup, I know I am a freak. The loudest most confident voice is always the morally correct and carries the solution to all of life's scenarios.

Meeks shall not inherit the earth

[miss soul fire]

no i mean like say you're in the break room at work with headphones on, reading the newspaper and eating a sandwich. someone comes by that you barely know and sits by you and tries to chat you up while you have headphones on and burried in a newspaper. and no matter how uninterested you appear they just keep trying to force you to talk to them. they just won't go away or shut up. what are they thinking?

I simply HATE that. I'm getting to work real soon this month because of extra hours so I start reading a book and I'm very concentrated and this girl comes to talk to me about her life, her husband and especially about her stupid new apartment and what they are doing to improve it. Like I'm interested in listening to that. Of course, I keep thinking about what I was reading about and pretend I'm interested like "yes, hmmm, nice...ok".:p

[M|X|Y]

I think of shyness as a bad habit rather than something you are born and stuck with.

[Adam]

I think of shyness as a bad habit rather than something you are born and stuck with.

Totally agree. No body is hardwired to anything apart from survival and passing on of our genes (this is not to say we all want kids or we all want to live as long as possible)... Intelligence brings certain flaws and realisations with it, like in the long run I don't want kids because it'll make me happier for longer or that I want to die because I feel life can only get worse. Intelligence brings a chance to realise what the outcome of hypothetical situations might be. The judging of said situation might be totally skewed tho depending on your experiences in life. Every action has the chance to create an alternative universe - basically, there could in infinite alternative universes where the super confident me is right now boning the hottest girl ever. I know all this but I am still kinda shy.

I could break it down into the fact that I've probably always let a louder voice speak for me - I have a older brother or that maybe when I was in my late teens I kinda got so hung up on one girl and didn't really take anything good out of it or that I was raised Catholic or that I once saw my nan on the toilet (still have nightmares)...

...could be anything but most probably a combination of things I know of and don't know of. I know nothing bad can happen if I just talked to the girl, I might get humiliated, I might end up marrying her - who knows. But at that moment in time, against all better judgement and hindsight, I lose the words to speak to her, I want to say she looks great, I say nothing. Why? Fuck knows, will I do the same again? Probably. Maybe I will remember this thread tho next time and come back with a padster-like story of how much pussy I got the night before?

If only everything was so easy to break down into just following the dream and doing what you really want to do. I'd be surprised if anyone has always totally 100% chosen the correct path. A series of guessing games and reactions is all we are, I know at some point I will die and will be forgotten about even if I become the most famous man in the world soon.

Maaaaaaan, I'm high...

[M|X|Y]

If you realize that everyone has a degree of self-consciousness but some are betters at faking out of it better than others. Be the first one to be forward and you're halfway there

You're thinking too much, shake that shit off and just do it(y)

[Adam]

You're thinking too much

How do you think less?

I might hypothesize it.

[M|X|Y]

Maybe not 'think less' but everyone has a certain thinking bandwidth.

Occupy yours with something more constructive that will give fruit to more happiness rather than spending your thinking power on bullshit that is only driving you further inwards (y)

[Dorothy Wood]

I think of shyness as a bad habit rather than something you are born and stuck with.


It's not a bad habit, it's a valid personality trait and it is common enough to not be considered abnormal.

It's something that you can work with and get over for the most part, but some people are born introverted. extroverts feed off the energy of others, they need social interaction. introverts don't, and actually find it draining.

My mother was extremely shy from a young age to probably her mid 20's. She had to get over it somewhat to function in life, but the introversion is still there. She might talk to strangers and not give a fuck about most things, but she still doesn't have many friends and gets anxious in social situations.

Her father was also extremely shy. So shy that when he died, his coworkers that went to the funeral were surprised to find that he had 5 children, because he rarely spoke to anyone at work for about 20 years.

My mom's sister is very outgoing and so was my grandma, their mother. Of the three brothers, two were shy, one was outgoing. The shy ones are less so now, for the most part, but still not as gregarious and/or obnoxious as my other uncle.


Anyway, I know that being deathly afraid of social interaction started when I was very young and it wasn't a choice. I still fumble my words a lot too, and sometimes stutter because of anxiety when talking to new people. No matter how hard I try to be nonchalant, my subconscious still likes to fuck me over every so often.


Sorry, I feel strongly about this. Mainly because I've been written off plenty of times because I wasn't sociable. I find it offensive, having to please other people with my demeanor. I don't ask others to please me with theirs. Why does everyone always have to be talking all the time anyway? sheesh.

[Bob]

Sorry, I feel strongly about this. Mainly because I've been written off plenty of times because I wasn't sociable. I find it offensive, having to please other people with my demeanor. I don't ask others to please me with theirs. Why does everyone always have to be talking all the time anyway? sheesh.

(y)

i think that one of the most frustrating things about being shy is that there's sort of this sense of "you're not allowed to be shy, that's not ok, that's not a personality trait, it's a flaw that you need to work on and get over to be normal". it's like you said, extroverts feed off of social interaction, introverts find it draining, find it an effort. even if i did work hard to get over it and pretend to be social and outgoing that's still going to be true, it's still going to be an effort, it's still going to be exhausting, it's still going to be something that doesn't come naturally to me, something that i have to work at and often dislike.

i feel like that's something that non-shy people don't understand or sympathize with and it's kind of annoying, like you said, to be written off because you're too quiet or whatever. nobody has the patience for it

[Dorothy Wood]

(y)

i think that one of the most frustrating things about being shy is that there's sort of this sense of "you're not allowed to be shy, that's not ok, that's not a personality trait, it's a flaw that you need to work on and get over to be normal". it's like you said, extroverts feed off of social interaction, introverts find it draining, find it an effort. even if i did work hard to get over it and pretend to be social and outgoing that's still going to be true, it's still going to be an effort, it's still going to be exhausting, it's still going to be something that doesn't come naturally to me, something that i have to work at and often dislike.

i feel like that's something that non-shy people don't understand or sympathize with and it's kind of annoying, like you said, to be written off because you're too quiet or whatever. nobody has the patience for it

yup. but I've at least found that as time goes on, being shy has rewards of its own. your friends are close because the relationships grew slowly, you can trust and really get to know people. and then you get to have actual interesting conversations, rather than surface bullshit boring conversations.

I think outgoing people get scared of shy people, or frustrated with them because they crave and thrive on human interaction and they're not getting it from the situation. well I say boo hoo, grow up!
I have a lot more to write, but I'm on my phone and my thumbs are tired.

[Adam]

I still don't think its something you're born with tho, I don't believe you're not born with anything really, a blank slate. Subtle persuasions in growing up has made you what you are. Parents obviously influence that a lot, which is why you're like your parents. Its also why adopted kids are often like their adoptive parents.

Its just we all act differently to each situation. A survival situation for me would be to get away from the danger, for others its to take on the threat and deal with it, or for someone else it might be to join forces with that threat.

[Lyman Zerga]

im a shy baby pie

[Dorothy Wood]

I still don't think its something you're born with tho, I don't believe you're not born with anything really, a blank slate. Subtle persuasions in growing up has made you what you are. Parents obviously influence that a lot, which is why you're like your parents. Its also why adopted kids are often like their adoptive parents.

Its just we all act differently to each situation. A survival situation for me would be to get away from the danger, for others its to take on the threat and deal with it, or for someone else it might be to join forces with that threat.

my mom wasn't shy when she was raising me. just saying. and my father was quite charming and sociable.

I don't think you're actually shy, I think maybe you're just afraid. it's similar in outcome, but fundamentally much different.

[Adam]

I think its shyness rather than being afraid. The examples I gave about being afraid etc is to just make a comparison.

Shyness may come from genetic traits, the environment in which a person is raised and personal experiences. There are many degrees of shyness. Stronger forms are usually referred to as social anxiety or social phobia. Shyness may merely be a personality trait or can occur at certain stages of development in children. Shyness has also a strong cultural dimension.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shy

Hmmms, ok. I kinda take it back. I always let wikipedia over rule me. So it may be genetic traits but but but...

...it goes on to say

The initial causes of shyness vary. Scientists have located some genetic data that supports the hypothesis that shyness is at least partially genetic. However, there is also evidence that the environment in which a person is raised can affect his or her shyness

You see, I comfortable around this message board, even tho new people come all the time I put things on here I wouldn't say to my nearest and dearest, its funny like that, I'm not afraid of the consequences of here and I'll happily make a dick out of myself. In social situations I don't run away but I may want to hide if its new or there is a potential new social situation.

Whatever it is, it's something I need to work on. Just like if I have genes likely to cause cancer, I can work on doing things like cutting out smoking, being healthier or whatever. A trait (scared or shy) can't be changed that easily but can be managed.

For a silly hungover thread thinking about chances missed I've put a lot of thought into this :)

[M|X|Y]

I respectfully disagree with Dotty and the reading says is part nature, part nurture.
We are also disposed to taking what we need in order to live but nurturing and socialization teaches us how to conquer that nature

I think that if one is predisposed to a certain type of behavior, is hurt by that behavior and does nothing to correct it (assuming they are not in any way impaired from awareness of it) it is then a habit.. one that they are not being held to by something out of their control but rather something they have decided not to use their powers to get over.

that was a mouthful, sorry

[Dorothy Wood]

I respectfully disagree with Dotty and the reading says is part nature, part nurture.
We are also disposed to taking what we need in order to live but nurturing and socialization teaches us how to conquer that nature

well that's different than a "bad habit". I don't think anyone can or should completely overcome his or her nature. one can only learn how to communicate more effectively to cut down on the anxiety of any given social interaction.

I have had to overcome a lot of anxiety, but it still peeks out a little head quite often. in my job, I deal with the public, and sometimes I even visit people's homes to install art. fortunately, rich people appreciate quiet politeness and don't often require or want to interact too deeply with a common person like me. My confidence in my ability, practice, and knowing that the people I'll be talking to don't really give a shit about my life, cuts down the anxiety....but I still don't like talking to people that much. and starting an hour or so before I head to a person's home, while I'm gathering my tools and hardware, I am extremely anxious up until I ring the doorbell and meet the person. it subsides a little during the work, but my body hums with anxiety until I leave.

Intellectually, I know there's no reason to feel so terrified...I just do. I cope with it, but it's not overcome.

[M|X|Y]

you do what you can and you try your best, fair enough (y)

timely, i saw this on my morning blog roll...

http://lifehacker.com/5695883/practice-eye-contact-to-generate-reality-distortion-field-charisma

good stuff in the comments

[Helvete]

I'm not shy.

[Dorothy Wood]

you do what you can and you try your best, fair enough (y)

timely, i saw this on my morning blog roll...

http://lifehacker.com/5695883/practice-eye-contact-to-generate-reality-distortion-field-charisma

good stuff in the comments

yeah, I try to practice eye contact. it's still kinda freaky though. it's easy to do with close friends, but I have to practice at work, even with my coworkers...I like and get along with them, but it's still weirdly hard. been practicing though.


also one more thing about introversion, although the other introverts and I seem like we're bored and don't care about what other people have to say, I think maybe it's just that the questions and interest in other people just don't come naturally.

I mean, I love my boyfriend very much, but when I talk to him on the phone or see him in real life, he's always like, "how was your day? how was work?", but I never ever think to ask him. he'll say "well my day was blah blah blah" as if I'd asked.

and it's not that I don't care or that i'm only thinking about myself, it just doesn't cross my mind to ask unless he seems upset or something.

it's a good thing he likes my boobs enough to forget about the ice cold heart behind them.

:)