Moving in

[DipDipDive]

My boyfriend and I are starting to talk about moving in with eachother. He owns a house, I rent and my lease expires at the end of April, at which point we will have been together a little over a year and a half. I spend at least 5/7 nights a week at his place anyways and we're in love, so it makes sense to do it both financially and in terms of where we're at in our relationship, but I'm still really scared and don't know if I'm totally ready. Both of us lived with our most recent ex's, and neither situation ended well. I just know if it's going to happen any time, it should be now. It seems really excessive to wait another entire year (when my lease would expire if I resign it) to move in with him, but still, neither of us are quite there yet.

Advice?

[Freebasser]

Move in together you must, hmmm?

[cosmo105]

Why are you scared? Your relationship with your ex that you lived with was probably totally different, as was his I'm sure, so why should things work out the same way? But if you're not ready to share your space, then don't do it. There's no rule that says you have to wait a specific amount of time and then move in together. Granted, if people rush into it after too short a time it's usually a recipe for disaster, but there's no reason you can't wait until you're really ready.

I've lived with three different boyfriends. In each case it was always a reflection of the health of the relationship in general. I've lived with my dude for a year and it's awesome, because we are awesome. We dated for a year (almost exactly) before moving in, and just celebrated our second anniversary (woo!) and thus a year living together. It's going really well. I like the way he lives, if that makes sense - he's tidy but not a freak about it, and accepting of my slovenly nature up to the point where he finally says, okay, go through your fucking mail. It's actually made me a tidier person :o We share chores really equally. If you're already spending that much time there I'm sure it won't be a huge change anyway. It does sort of change the dynamic and feeling if you're no longer a "guest" and actually live there, but really, I'm sure you know you guys will be totally fine and it'll be easy peasy.

[kaiser soze]

Don't do it!

he'll make you wash dishes!

[Echewta]

I crashed on Cosmo's couch one time at it was fine. She let me use a blanket with a penguin on it and we are still friends to this day.

Go for it. Sounds like its time.

[DipDipDive]

I'm scared because of the uncertainty. There's only one way to know if it's going to work to live together and that's to do it, and that's terrifying to me. I don't want it to ruin our relationship.

[Dorothy Wood]

how many bedrooms in his house? would you have your own space?

I too, need to make a decision about living with my dude, but he'd either live with me for awhile to save money, or we'd get a place together. but i'm a little nervous myself. I need my space. however, it'd cut down on some stress if we lived together because we live so far from each other now (about an hour by public transport, and 45 min by bike) and we don't have cars.

I think being able to move into a house would be great. that way, if you guys do split up, he just stays and you can move on...instead of dealing with ending a lease and whatnot. I don't think moving in will ruin your relationship though.

I think a friend of mine is unhappy living with her boyfriend, but it's mainly because their lifestyles are so different...she likes to have the t.v. on, he doesn't, she goes to bed early, he stays up late, etc. I think if you guys mesh well now, you will be fine, and get even closer.

and girl, if he owns a house at his age, you better lock that shit down!

[Echewta]

If you are afraid of the uncertainty, perhaps you aren't ready. But don't let the sins of relationships past make you not take a chance with a good person and make him have to pay for it. Take the time you need but at some point, you are going to have to jump in with both feet and see how the water is.

If the relationship is solid, moving in shouldn't change that. Should just make it stronger. If it spoils, it was going to anyway.

[DipDipDive]

and girl, if he owns a house at his age, you better lock that shit down!

He has his shit majorly together. He's, like, a real grownup.

His house is a 2-bedroom with a basement, I'd definitely be able to have my own space (which I need). Other than the uncertainty issue I have two big concerns. The first is my need to nest and decorate and his lack of interest in such things. I would want to paint and put up lots of pictures, etc. and I feel like I'd need his permission on every decision which would be weird and kind of annoying to me, especially after having lived alone for so long. Our lifestyles are extremely similar which brings me to my other concern. We're both major homebodies, we typically don't go out on the weekdays and I have an uncomfortable notion that things would get routine (which in my mind is a gentle synonym for boring) pretty quickly...But maybe not?

I don't know. I feel like our relationship is just now getting to that comfortable phase, which is good, but I don't want it to get too comfortable too fast.

I think I'm going to try for a 6-month or month-to-month lease when my current one expires, I'd feel better about that timeframe than the one we're currently dealing with.

Relationships aren't easy. :o

[TimDoolan]

Do it, save some $.

[cosmo105]

What Echewta said. Except I don't have a penguin blanket, that must have been your other BFF you piece of shit.

I had the opportunity to move in with my boyfriend after about 8 months of dating, because my lease was up, but neither of us were quite ready for it. We were both excited about the thought of living together, but realized it was too soon and decided to wait until we felt more sure about it. I found a month-to-month place closer to my school (for way cheaper) and stayed there for about four more months. We waited until we absolutely could not take living apart for another moment, and I'm glad we did. It made it so much sweeter when we finally were together, especially the fact that we no longer had to fight hourlong hauls in traffic to see each other or wait until the weekends to hang out.

[kaiser soze]

He has his shit majorly together. He's, like, a real grownup.

His house is a 2-bedroom with a basement, I'd definitely be able to have my own space (which I need). Other than the uncertainty issue I have two big concerns. The first is my need to nest and decorate and his lack of interest in such things. I would want to paint and put up lots of pictures, etc. and I feel like I'd need his permission on every decision which would be weird and kind of annoying to me, especially after having lived alone for so long. Our lifestyles are extremely similar which brings me to my other concern. We're both major homebodies, we typically don't go out on the weekdays and I have an uncomfortable notion that things would get routine (which in my mind is a gentle synonym for boring) pretty quickly...But maybe not?

I don't know. I feel like our relationship is just now getting to that comfortable phase, which is good, but I don't want it to get too comfortable too fast.

I think I'm going to try for a 6-month or month-to-month lease when my current one expires, I'd feel better about that timeframe than the one we're currently dealing with.

Relationships aren't easy. :o

yeah - the feng shui thing can get tricky and the routine homebody gig as well. You gotta take that chance to see if it will work. I would prefer to start fairly new together rather than moving into another person's place, but it looks like you don't have an alternative at this time.

Consider the time and energy and resources spent bouncing between the places - is it worth it to keep it going? If you've never done it before you have a pretty good deal - it's not like you two are moving into a cruddy little pad on the edge of the industrial section of town.

If he has invited you, talk about it with him. Ask him if it'd be ok for you to make yourself at home, share your creative vision with him, splash some color bout the place, share with him what is like to have a colorful, expressive person live in his house.

[jabumbo]

i'm guessing he won't mind you wanting to decorate as long as you don't make him change window clings for every holiday or color coordinate things with a matching scent.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

+2 Echewta

Also the decorating thing, I think most men don't mind that. I know some even welcome it, as long as you don't force them to be as involved as you are.

I'm like a man in the sense that I don't do the decorating thing. My man took care of that, and it's all spaghetti western posters and our Star Wars stuff. Thank jeebus.

[Echewta]

DDD, don't ask the man to put a flag pole holder in the front of his house and then start putting flags with bears up every month where the bears are dressed in green with shamrocks for March or joking with each other on April or playing in the leaves in September. DO ask him to paint his garage door with the Bears logo.

[cosmo105]

Do the bear flag thing. Please.

In my experience, my dude's previous abode was very bare and mine was covered with posters/art to the max. He mentioned that was one of the first things he loved, noticing all the color and warmth the first time he came over, so me bringing a lot of rad wall coverings and shit to our shared space was more than welcomed.

[Dorothy Wood]

He has his shit majorly together. He's, like, a real grownup.

His house is a 2-bedroom with a basement, I'd definitely be able to have my own space (which I need). Other than the uncertainty issue I have two big concerns. The first is my need to nest and decorate and his lack of interest in such things. I would want to paint and put up lots of pictures, etc. and I feel like I'd need his permission on every decision which would be weird and kind of annoying to me, especially after having lived alone for so long. Our lifestyles are extremely similar which brings me to my other concern. We're both major homebodies, we typically don't go out on the weekdays and I have an uncomfortable notion that things would get routine (which in my mind is a gentle synonym for boring) pretty quickly...But maybe not?

I don't know. I feel like our relationship is just now getting to that comfortable phase, which is good, but I don't want it to get too comfortable too fast.

I think I'm going to try for a 6-month or month-to-month lease when my current one expires, I'd feel better about that timeframe than the one we're currently dealing with.

Relationships aren't easy. :o


As for the decorating, I believe in being up front about your idea of what a home should look like. There's a difference between a guy who just doesn't care about decorating and a guy who has very specific ideas about decorating. The "doesn't care" guy usually is alright with someone taking over. The "specific" guy...well, sometimes that's trouble.

my bff's dude has crazy ideas about decorating and needs it to be a certain way or he'll get upset. Luckily my friend doesn't care about decorating that much, so she just let him have his way (she and I lived together on and off for 8 years and I always did the decorating). They recently moved though, and let me help them decorate a little...I think after living together for 4 years, he's eased up. and now they have a living space they've made together (with me as design ombudsman).

anyway, when you're discussing the situation, don't be afraid to say, "you know how my place looks? well, I'd like to be able to make your home feel like home to me too". Make sure he'd be okay with you putting holes in the wall, or painting, etc., or have him say from the start what he'd rather you not do. If the "not do" list is really long, then fuck it, don't move in together. He'd need to be on board with it being a home for both of you, even though he owns it. and you'd need to be open to what he likes too, of course.


Regarding the boring thing...I sometimes think it's easier to do more activities if you don't have to think about where you're gonna sleep that night. Like now, even though it's pretty much routine, you have to decide when you'll be at your place and when you'll be at his. If you just live there, hanging out isn't an event, it's part of life. and that frees you up to do more activities outside the home, or plan get-togethers at home that you both can be responsible for.

At least, I hope that's what would happen, ha. Because for me now, I get kind of annoyed when my boyfriend is over and I have things I need to do. Because he kinda just follows me around and we have to plan and decide what to do with every single minute of the day together because our time together is an "event". I just think I would get a lot more done if we were just life partners already, instead of "dating". dating is annoying! :p


That said, if all this life-joining junk is making you feel suffocated, there's no use rushing. If y'all are aiming to spend the rest of your lives together, another year or 6 months living apart will just serve as a nice buffer. if it'll give you more peace of mind, then do that. I'm considering the same route myself. His lease is up in april, mine's in june, but I have no idea what we're gonna do yet. I love my apartment a lot, but I also would like to have a real home sooner than later. Can't live in a weird attic my whole life! or...could I?

(!)

[Dorothy Wood]

oops, sorry about the novel!

[Jane*]

Do it. Otherwise it might take 3 years of of dating to finally make the move. 3YEARS!

Yeah, don't worry, I already called Ripley's Believe It or Not.

[venusvenus123]

True it, just do it. You'll figure it all out, the living together malarkey. You can't know how it'll all work out till you try it.

Have fun! :cool: