not sure how to show support

[nodanaonlyzuul]

I feel kind of weird sharing info on here sometimes but I only post it because I'd like some input on what to do.

We are very close friends with a couple I've mentioned before. I mentioned what they are going through but as a refresher: their baby has SMA, a disease that affects the muscles which means their daughter will likely die young, will never walk, has trouble sitting upright on her own, so on and so forth. Cognitively she is on point though.

They just got pregnant again, sooner than they had hoped as they first wanted to go through gene therapy to avoid having another baby with SMA.

A few months after they found out they are pregnant (so approximately two weeks ago), their daughter got sick recently and had to be in the hospital. Turns out her disease, as expected, is progressing and they learned that now she has to be on an oxygen machine every night. Her muscles relax so much that her lungs don't get enough air as she breathes so her blood oxygen was dropping to levels that can cause brain damage. She stayed in the hospital a week so they can get her blood oxygen back to normal.

The stress the Mother endured while at the hospital for a week caused complications with her pregnancy. She had an ultrasound last week and the baby no longer had a heartbeat.

She just went back to the hospital today to have the deceased fetus removed.

I cannot at all imagine what she and her husband are going through. Fucked up enough that their kid has SMA, then this. It's terrible. We want to show our compassion and support somehow but, I don't know what to do exactly aside from being there for them when they need to talk as we always do.

We are thinking about bringing over flowers, but is that weird? Uncalled for? Should we bring over something else? I don't know.

[Kid Presentable]

Don't bombard them with an all-fronts couple assault. You (alone) let her know that you and your other half are there for them; don't make it a double date Deep and Meaningful navel-gazing Americana Extravaganza. Then, give them space. If they know theycan, and they want to, they'll come to you.

[saz]

don't give them flowers, but just go and be there for them.

[kaiser soze]

rather than guessing how to show your support - ask.

If you are close keep an eye on their emotional status - people do rather irrational things during stressful family tragedies.

hugs to all of you

[little j]

wow thats rough.
just be there.
if mom can get away see if you can get her to lunch. even being away for a breather might help.

mainly just let them know you're there if they want to talk or just need a hug.

i cant even imagine.
:(

[Dorothy Wood]

man, I would just send them food or something. Not flowers. anytime tragedy has touched my life, I haven't wanted to talk about it. Like when my step-dad died, people tried so hard to make me feel better or whatever, and I just wanted to be alone. I think having something like flowers around is just a reminder that something terrible happened.

I guess just asking them if they want to hang out like normal would be the route I'd choose. Maybe pizza and a funny movie?

[DIGI]

^ Yikes. I doubt they're up for a date night.

I agree with Kid P. They probably need some time alone, but definitely give her a call and let her know that you're there if she needs anything.

[cosmo105]

I'd say bring food, but something like a home-cooked meal, maybe a casserole so they can have something to heat up when they finally feel like eating. It's often the last thing people think about in times like these, and having something that's convenient and tasty is comforting. Just drop by, drop it off, give some hugs, and leave unless they want you to stay and talk. And then, just listen.

If you have time, helping run errands (walking the dog, whatever) might help. Or offer to go for a walk or something with them. But yeah, flowers are kinda eh in that situation from my experience. It's certainly appreciated, but not the most comforting thing in the world.

[nodanaonlyzuul]

yeah, the fiance suggested the flowers and I thought that seemed kind of off, but I figured I'd get advice first before saying no to the flowers thing.

I was definitely thinking about food and cooking something. We also just reached out to them, and we made plans to just hang out on Sunday.

Rough times. Thanks people for your advice.

[trailerprincess]

Yep, turn up and bring some food, something that they can freeze if everyone has the same idea. Sometimes helping with the mundane stuff makes a world of different. I went to see a friend who was having a nightmare with a new born and took a lasagne and she cried as she'd been so busy she'd been living on take out for a week and was feeling even worse for it

[Documad]

The main thing is to keep up the contact and say that you're okay with her avoiding you if she's not up to it but you're going to keep asking just in case. And don't pretend it didn't happen. So many people are uncomfortable and avoid people in distress and that makes is much worse for the people in distress. I have a friend whose young son died and she's had former friends see her in the grocery and go the other way. I couldn't believe it but she's given me multiple detailed stories about it so it must be happening. We had a close family friend who never talked to us again after my dad died. I err on the side of being upfront and saying "I haven't got a fucking clue what you're going through only it must be really gruesome. Do you want to talk about it or just have me bring some Chipotle over and we will watch bad movies?"

Also remember that the mom still had all those hormones racing after losing the baby. I had a friend who lost a baby fairly late in the pregnancy and with her when she would say that she was feeling nuts her husband would try gto brush it off, but I'd try and acknowledge that it must be perfectly normal--her body took ages to get used to having lost the baby.

[miss soul fire]

don't give them flowers, but just go and be there for them.

Yes. That's the only thing you can do about this. It's hard anyway. Just be there for them. That's enough and always right.

[tejana]

so sad.

most important: don't check in ONCE and think you're done. check in on some sort of regular ( but decreasing frequency) basis.

it REALLY DOESN'T COUNT to say/do something nice ONCE and then disappear.


That happened to me, big time, when my dad died this year. It's horrible. Wait 1 or 2 weeks, check in... and keep on.

and THANK YOU, because they may not have the strength to say it .

[Dorothy Wood]

^ Yikes. I doubt they're up for a date night.

I agree with Kid P. They probably need some time alone, but definitely give her a call and let her know that you're there if she needs anything.


didn't mean date night, hanging out with good friends isn't a date. I meant so they could think about other things, focus on something else for a minute, then talk about their feelings if they felt like it.

people grieve differently, but I know when I have, I preferred to not talk about it with everyone I knew...just so I could process it for awhile on my own. Eventually I opened up to close friends, after the major crying sessions.

It's going to be sad and weird for awhile, and you guys should let them be that way and not get too scared. So if this couple means a lot to you guys, just continue to offer love and support so they don't feel abandoned for their behavior during the grieving process.

[tejana]

[QUOTE=So if this couple means a lot to you guys, just continue to offer love and support so they don't feel abandoned for their behavior during the grieving process.[/QUOTE]

what she said.


don't go away just cuz time passes. Conversely/complementary, don't force yourselves upon them!

[venusvenus123]

yeah, the fiance suggested the flowers and I thought that seemed kind of off, but I figured I'd get advice first before saying no to the flowers thing.

I was definitely thinking about food and cooking something. We also just reached out to them, and we made plans to just hang out on Sunday.

Rough times. Thanks people for your advice.

I think that's nice. As Tejana said, just letting them know that you're there will mean a lot to them. Just send an occasional text or whatever. As I've been struggling with my health over the past couple of years, support from friends has meant SO much to me. More than I could have ever believed.

They're lucky to have such supportive friends as you.

Very sorry to hear about their situation. Really sad. I've been through a baby loss and it sucks. Also, I think it's a still a taboo subject, so it's good to give them the space to talk about it.