Friends with an ex?

[DipDipDive]

So my boyfriend dumped me a month ago. The pain and crying and brutal heartbreak is subsiding a bit and I'm realizing that it's probably best that we not be together. BUT I still really miss him and want to be around him because we have a ton in common and have a lot of fun together. We also have a really rad group of friends who we obviously both still hang out with...and there are events coming up that we've both been invited to, so we'll have no choice but to see eachother sooner or later. We've been in intermittent contact over the past few weeks - some texts and emails have been exchanged and we've decided to hang out one on one before the aforementioned upcoming events happen.

So I guess what I'm wondering is, have you been able to be close friends with an ex? I totally still love him and think it's too soon for us to be just friends (especially since I'm still very interested in the idea of having sex with him), but I do want to be friends with him eventually. I've never been able to pull this off before. I'm estranged from all my other ex's and I really don't want that to happen this time.

What's the best way to go about this?

[M|X|Y]

magic 8 ball sez... at this time: bad idea jeans

[DipDipDive]

What the fuck are bad idea jeans?

[M|X|Y]

ive been able to be friends with exes, but only after a good amt of time passed. the one time i tried right after was DISASTEROUS.
like the time i ran out of jimmy hats and figured... when's the next time i'll get to haiti?

[nodanaonlyzuul]

I haven't really been in such a situation, but I'd say be careful to NOT end up alone with him anytime soon, at least not in private (don't hang out at your place, for example). Temptation, especially if drinks are involved, since you are still interested in sex with him is going to be higher if you two are by yourselves.

Other than that I think you should give it time. Don't push to be buddies and hang out a lot yet (unless you two are invited to the same thing as you mentioned, that happens). Time will give you perspective and eventually you'll end up in a place where you appreciate the times you had together, but ultimately appreciate and accept that you two shouldn't be together, which means you can legitimately "just be friends".

[Planetary]

don't think about it, life's too short.

[kaiser soze]

hang out with miss soul fire, she'll teach ya the ways to get over a guy!

sorry to hear about the break up - they do suck and I hope your heart mends soon

[The Notorious LOL]

Avoid it for now as much as you can.

Last summer/fall I found myself in one of the most emotionally intense relationships I've ever been in. She was absolutely stunning, completely adored me, and it was blissfully intense with a severe emotional hangover to follow. I cut off contact altogether because seeing her or interacting with her made me feel bad/sad. There are days I consider contacting her and seeing whats up, but I know that we wont ever work as a couple. There is still a part of me that loves her...so I need to just stay far away right now. Maybe in a year or so I'll feel different. I know if I tried to befriend her now, I would probably end up saying or doing something that was expressed out of sadness or pain possibly jeopardizing any friendship.

I once dated someone I cared for very much where we sort of tried the same thing, and in the end I think it helped cause a lot of emotional turmoil on both sides of the fence. We both made mistakes and did stupid things, and it made the end so much worse than it had to be. It took a long time to forgive that situation and person completely, but I did in time.

I think if you care for him as a person and you are on good, civil terms, do your best to heal before you try to be a friend.

Sorry to hear about your breakup.

[DipDipDive]

It's really confusing. I want to see him but part of me knows it's a waste of time. I don't want to get back together with him...but at the same time, I want him to want to get back together with me, even though I know that will only make me want to get back together with him.

Fuck.

[DipDipDive]

don't think about it, life's too short.

It's all I fucking think about. It sucks big time balls. :(

[tejana]

DON'T try to be friends. It may happen later, but it's not gonna happen now.

Of course you have a lot in common. you found each other because you had a few/several things in common, and then you spent ALL your time together, influencing each other. but as your lives move on separately, you will both evolve separately.

you'll take that wrong: IT'S A GOOD THING. Growing always is (I think?).

BEST luck, teja

(now friends w/my first important BF- dated 5 years- more than 15 years later)

[monkey]

:(

in my experience, things usually feel really fun and hopeful when you hang out with the ex, it's easy to think a friendship will work out. after that particular event, you go home, and sometimes it's easy to start to expect more from the friendship, or have him expect something differently. it's that time that tends to ruin friendships, because very raw feelings are re-hurt easily by possibly quite innocent things.

i think it takes time before being friends can truly work.

alternatively, if you have very good self control and you are very proud, being cordial and hanging out with mutual friends may not be that hard. it just requires nerves of steel, i think.

[Adam]

:(

I wouldn't try to be close friends but you could be friends and like has been said, don't end up alone with him. If you are, try to think of the future consequences, whatever you're feeling will just be worse afterwards what might seem at the time some harmless fun.

Good luck, but none of the logistics will be easy for the coming months

[Planetary]

It's all I fucking think about. It sucks big time balls. :(

Yeah it's easy for me to say cause i'm not in the situation, but the less time you give thoughts like that the better.

saying all that, you do have a decision to make. and it sounds like you should avoid contact. you've made your feelings pretty obvious so seeing this person isn't going to help i wouldn't have thought.

do what you have to and move on (y)

[Kid Presentable]

You're going to ignore the advice to avoid him, and go be with him.

[DipDipDive]

alternatively, if you have very good self control and you are very proud, being cordial and hanging out with mutual friends may not be that hard. it just requires nerves of steel, i think.

Yeah, I definitely don't have those. :(

Our plan was to get together in a couple weeks. I'm fairly confident I'll come to my senses before then and realize this is a bad idea and that the odds of anything good coming out of it are extremely low.

[kaiser soze]

just be careful - it's easy for someone to take advantage of the feelings you're feeling.

[The Notorious LOL]

Hanging out right now is unfortunately a lose/lose situation. You could almost certainly have a good time, but what comes after? Going home and realizing that you're not together. It will just reinforce some of those sad feelings.

[Myu-to]

All my exes live in Texas
And, Texas is the place I'd really love to be.
But, all my exes live in Texas
That's why I reside in Tennessee.

It does not seem advisable, but it also seems inavoidable. Things to watch out for...

1. Discussing the break-up with others in detail.
2. Being alone with the ex.
3. Placing friends in the middle and having to choose between you and the ex.
4. Showing/feeling too strong of an emotion in either direction, escpecially in public.

If any of these occur, bail out.

[paul jones]

it's ok L you are a winner

I haven't had a fucking boiled egg in ages cos' the kitchen re-fit has taken longer than expected.boiled eggs are very important to my excistence and I miss those dudes.

[ToucanSpam]

Hanging out right now is unfortunately a lose/lose situation. You could almost certainly have a good time, but what comes after? Going home and realizing that you're not together. It will just reinforce some of those sad feelings.

This.

Also my two cents.

No matter how hard you try, you can't be "just friends" with someone that you've been very intimate with, physically and emotionally. Unless you somehow strip your mind and memory of every little thing associated with that person, I can't see how you can have a close friendship with an ex. Maybe from a distance, but where's the value in that? Why put yourself though the torture of being around someone who you were once in love with?

It's perfectly normal to miss someone who you were once close with. A month is way too soon to even attempt to communicate. You deserve to give yourself time to heal. Maybe they need to heal too.

[RobMoney$]

He dumped you. You basically admitted that you just want what you can't have.
You should consider if this social function you are mutually planning to attend is really all that important after all.

Or you could continue on hoping for a reconcilliation, have unfulfilling sex with him that will only give you a very brief and temporary fulfilment but ultimatley leave you realizing it's over and you're just simply prolonging the inevitable, that you need to move on because what you once had with him can never be recaptured no matter how hard you might want it. It'll only be a cheap, bastardized version of it. Nothing more than a band-aid that needs to be torn off.

[HEIRESS]

it's ok L you are a winner

I haven't had a fucking boiled egg in ages cos' the kitchen re-fit has taken longer than expected.boiled eggs are very important to my excistence and I miss those dudes.

Paul, you are my boiled eggs.

I avoid all my exes 100%. Except for the Jew who in the years since our break-up still sends me an email every time competitive cycling season ends and I'm all pfffffffffffff.

[DipDipDive]

Paul, you are my boiled eggs.

I avoid all my exes 100%. Except for the Jew who in the years since our break-up still sends me an email every time competitive cycling season ends and I'm all pfffffffffffff.

hahahaha <3

Thanks, dudes. Everything that has been said so far is the shit I need to be hearing. I know all of it already but it's difficult to be rational right now.

[paul jones]

Paul, you are my boiled eggs.

.

that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me.(y)

[Knuckles]

that is the nicest thing anyone has said to me.(y)

what if someone were to say "Paul, you are my scotch egg"?

[paul jones]

what if someone were to say "Paul, you are my scotch egg"?

that would good but boiled eggs are numero one of all foods for me.

[Planetary]

with soldiers?

[paul jones]

with soldiers?

yeah man,you have to have soldiers or the whole experience would be 50% less satisfying.

[DipDipDive]

I just emailed him and told him we can't see eachother one on one. He kind of pulled the "it was your idea" card, and while that is partially true, I can sense his disappointment.

Now I just need to stick to my guns.

I feel like shit. (n)

[RobMoney$]

Good for you.

I can't even think of one person I know that ever got back with an ex and had it work.

[Freebasser]

Chin up, Lara (y)

You'll be all right in the long run. Hang out with some mates and eat a bucket of ice cream or, failing that, get a minecraft account and become an internet recluse of obscene proportions.

[paul jones]

I just emailed him and told him we can't see eachother one on one. He kind of pulled the "it was your idea card," and while that is partially true, I can sense his disappointment.

Now I just need to stick to my guns.

I feel like shit. (n)

you need to find a new hobby to take your mind of it,like this perhaps?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAUP1wsmqUU&feature=related

;)

[DipDipDive]

You'll be all right in the long run. Hang out with some mates and eat a bucket of ice cream or, failing that, get a minecraft account and become an internet recluse of obscene proportions.

I'm gonna turn into one of those morbidly obese shut-ins. They're gonna have to remove my roof and crane me out of my house to get me to my gastric bypass surgery.

And yeah, Rob, I know we can't get back together. It's just not possible. Before the real breakup, we had like 3 or 4 false alarms in a 6 month period. I eventually acquiesced to the fact that he's a bit of a pussy with an inability to cope with anything outside of his comfort zone (aka doing bong rips and playing video games), threw my hands up because I was sick of fighting for something that was doomed to fail in the long run. Being apart from him has only solidified my awareness that it would most definitely happen again.

And yet, I still love him. It's such bullshit.

[DipDipDive]

you need to find a new hobby to take your mind of it,like this perhaps?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAUP1wsmqUU&feature=related

;)

(y)(y)

[miss soul fire]

Good for you.

I can't even think of one person I know that ever got back with an ex and had it work.

Me neither. Once bad always bad. You can't change people unless they want it.

[skra75]

In my experience, it's not possible. Heartbreak will ensue.

If you do end up hanging out, two things will happen, either you will end up heartbroken worse since inevitably he'll talk to you about his feelings with other chicks,

or, you'll hook up again and it will be the premise of a chick-flick-comedy.

[saz]

(y)


like the time i ran out of jimmy hats and figured... when's the next time i'll get to haiti?

hey, we've got our apartment. we ripped up the floors, pipes, wiring, and having everything completely redone.

you're renting, right?

yeah!

bad idea jeans

[Dorothy Wood]

lol @ bad idea jeans. heh. too bad I can't find the clip! I didn't really look that hard though....


merp.


anyway, to the topic at hand:

I'm still not able to be true friends with my last ex...it's been 3 years since he dumped me. We were friends for 6 years before that, so it kinda still sucks because we have so many of the same friends (76 according to fb :eek:).

At first, if we'd see each other at a party, we'd both say "hello", then avoid each other. Even when we went to a baseball game with a group of people, we sat far from each other. I'd say for the first whole year, anytime we'd attempt to communicate, I'd freak out in one way or another...like quietly saying, "I hate you" in front of everyone before leaving a room, etc. etc. After that, I avoided talking to him for at least 5 months straight. Partly for my own sanity and partly so people wouldn't think I was a lunatic drama queen.

We were starting to become ok about a year and a half after the break up, we talked on the phone a couple of times, hung out at a couple of parties. but things got a little flirty once, I was going to meet him at a party after a street festival we were at the summer before last, but I was hella drunk; I texted him saying so, and that I better not go because I'd probably just end up hitting on him. And he wrote back, "I wouldn't mind". and I said, "WHAAA???" and passed out. When I didn't get a next day follow up (or any follow up at all), I realized I just didn't have it in me to pursue anything further. That kind of realization would've been impossible if I hadn't had that healing time though.

The moral of the story is, keep away for as long as you can! break the spell.

[DipDipDive]

I'm going to avoid him like the plague at this party we're both going to next month. I have already decided that to make our encounter less traumatic, I am going to get wasted and cling to some married friends of ours because they are the people he is least likely to socialize with. Heh.

I'll probably want to hug him, but I'm going to try really hard not to. :o

[DipDipDive]

Bumping this because it's started again...

He emailed me today because his grandma is in the hospital. She had to have emergency surgery on Friday and isn't doing well...He knows I really care about her so he wanted me to know. We exchanged messages about that situation, I asked him to keep me posted, to which he said, "Will do...I really fucking miss you."

Then we got on the topic of our feelings about seeing eachother at this party that's this weekend (already!). He said he's nervous about seeing me, moreso than he was expecting to be, and that he's not used to being this emotional/isn't very good at experiencing these kinds of feelings. That provoked me to tell him that he's right, he sucks at having/understanding feelings, and that I think that was a bigger problem in our relationship than all the things I was blamed for. We agreed it's going to be hard to see eachother and not be affectionate, he made a joke about us banging beforehand to release some tension, then asked me AGAIN if I want to get together before the party to talk some more. I said I still don't think it's a good idea, especially since despite his joke, I think there's a good chance we could end up sleeping together and that would be a huge mistake. Then he said again he misses me and just wants to see me, and that talking some more would help alleviate some of our nervousness over seeing eachother.

Fucking hell. I don't even know why I'm sharing all this, I guess for another reminder about what a horrible idea this is. I mean, I'm not nearly as emotional about this situation as I was a month ago but I'm definitely not over him. I still want him to want me, still want to hear him say he wants me back even if I wouldn't take him...All that shit.

My head is spinning like a fucking top. HELP.

[kaiser soze]

it looks like you're going to have to do it.

you have to tell him......

























































































that you have your period (!)

you know how many girls/women who have been on their period I know?

all of them :(

[cosmo105]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. NO NO NO.


L-bags, you know better. If he wasn't smart enough to see what the good stuff the first time, he doesn't deserve a second time. Don't let someone that broke your heart do it again.

In my experience, being on friendly terms happens after a long bit of time and one or both of you have moved on and dated other people since. I have exes I've had meals with, met for a drink and even introduced to my current boyfriend, and if there was ever something one of us needed and could help each other out, or saw/heard of something the other would enjoy, with neither of us would hesitate to call the other - but that was after a lot of time had passed and we had both moved on. I don't think you can ever really be true friends friends with someone you once truly loved. I've never seen that work, not once. Mutual friends of course makes it harder but sometimes you have to consciously distance yourself from that person. It will take time. If you hang out now you WILL end up slipping and doing things and then either trying to get back together (or making some half-assed "well we can still be friends that do it" compromise) and it'll crash and burn miserably or one or the other will realize that it was a mistake and the other will be broken-hearted.

I understand that he's sad about his grandma and wants to share this with you, but it's really unfair of him to tell you that he misses you. REALLY unfair. Fucked up, if you ask me.

[DipDipDive]

He keeps doing this. It's fucking bullshit.

[Bitchamachacha]

Good for you if you can shake him. Homie can't have his cake and eat it too. And I agree with Cos.

Also, hanging near or around him risks you seeing him with another girl, and that could really make your heart sink.

Someone once told me an end to any relationship is a bit like death. You have to mourn that relationship and in time, there will be healing.

[Dorothy Wood]

He sounds really selfish, I wouldn't give him anything he asks for. Is there a way to support the grandma without having to talk to him? If so, I would do that, or just express your well-wishes and stay away.

[venusvenus123]

My advice is: Don't go to the party! Missing out on some fun is worth it to avoid seeing him and giving him a clear message.

[cosmo105]

(!) that's actually a good idea. if you feel at all like you'll be tempted it might be best to remove yourself entirely. strong advice and it might seem wrong to avoid your friends just because of that, but it's definitely something to consider.

[Echewta]

Have your own party and make it super awesome while he's at the boring party.

[hardnox71]

First of all, I completely agree with Cosmo's post. Dude threw away what he had so fuck him (figuratively not literally). And for him to keep toying with your emotions IS fucked up.

Did he ever give you a reason as to why he wanted to break up in the first place? Is it in the thread and I just missed it?

I'm definitely no relationship expert, DDD. I'm almost 40 and just got married for the first time six months ago. Took a long, long time to get the shit right. But you know what? Everything that happened in my past happened for a reason, just as this is happening to you for a reason. Use this to your advantage. Grow from it. Learn from it and move on. Take what you need from and leave the rest behind. Because this guy is not for you. Someone better is out there who won't treat you like this. Just be patient.

[sjp]

I find it the most awkward thing ever, same as like when you are just friends with someone you like but never went out with them just as awkward.

[DipDipDive]

I talked to him on the phone for a couple hours last night. It was painful but in the end I think it was a good thing. We cleared the air about a lot of shit and I was able to say all the things I didn't get the opportunity to before. It made us both less nervous about seeing eachother.

...And as it turns out, all that preparation was unnecessary because they're taking his grandma off life support tonight, her funeral will probably be this weekend and he won't be at the party anyways.

I'm generally pretty sad about everything, including the death of his grandma. It's been an emotional couple of days.

Life is so fucking weird.

[hardnox71]

One of my favorite quotes is by Dr. Seuss....

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

Take the good from what was there and keep it. Let the rest go. Find your new adventure.

[DipDipDive]

1. Congrats on your nuptials, HK. She better be a fucking Sox fan.

2. He did give a reason for breaking up with me, but I didn't go into it here.

3. Thanks for the words of wisdom, all.

[M|X|Y]

all is well (http://www.hulu.com/watch/10310/saturday-night-live-bad-idea-jeans) in bbmb-land(y)