Go the fuck to sleep

[hardnox71]

I would never talk to my kids like this, but holy crap, this book (http://gotheftosleep.com/) is fucking hilarious!

Enjoy..

The cats nestle close to their kittens now.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep.
You’re cozy and warm in your bed, my dear.
Please go the fuck to sleep

The windows are dark in the town, child.
The whales huddle down in the deep.
I’ll read you one very last book if you swear
You’ll go the fuck to sleep.

The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
And the creatures who crawl, run, and creep.
I know you’re not thirsty. That’s bullshit. Stop lying.
Lie the fuck down, my darling, and sleep.

The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon.
The field mice, they make not a peep.
It’s been thirty-eight minutes already.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Go to sleep.

All the kids from day care are in dreamland.
The froggie has made his last leap.
Hell no, you can’t go to the bathroom.
You know where you can go? The fuck to sleep.

The owls fly forth from the treetops.
Through the air, they soar and they sweep.
A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love.
For real, shut the fuck up and sleep.

The cubs and the lions are snoring,
Wrapped in a big snuggly heap.
How is it you can do all this other great shit
But you can’t lie the fuck down and sleep?

The seeds slumber beneath the earth now
And the crops that the farmers will reap.
No more questions. This interview’s over.
I’ve got two words for you, kid: fucking sleep.

The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle.
The sparrow has silenced her cheep.
Fuck your stuffed bear, I’m not getting you shit.
Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep.

The flowers doze low in the meadows
And high on the mountains so steep.
My life is a failure, I’m a shitty-ass parent.
Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep.

The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing.
As I lie here and openly weep.
Sure, fine, whatever, I’ll bring you some milk.
Who the fuck cares? You’re not gonna sleep.

This room is all I can remember.
The furniture crappy and cheap.
You win. You escape. You run down the hall.
As I nod the fuck off, and sleep.

Bleary and dazed I awaken
To find your eyes shut, so I keep
My fingers crossed tight as I tiptoe away
And pray that you’re fucking asleep.

We’re finally watching our movie.
Popcorn’s in the microwave. Beep.
Oh shit. Goddamn it. You’ve gotta be kidding.
Come on, go the fuck back to sleep.

[abbott]

love this shit.... I did not sleep for 2 years with my youngest's sleeping issues and this book is perfect ...

[hardnox71]

My son is only eight months old and he's sleeping is pretty good right now. We have him on somewhat of a schedule. And he's not talking yet, asking for water in the middle of the night and shit like that....but I know nothing lasts forever.

This all will change....very soon.

I think that's why this book is so damn funny to me now....because I'm not in the thick of it yet.

[abbott]

my first was always good

me second was always bad... untill 2.5

hope yours is all good

[hardnox71]

hope yours is all good

Would you believe that this kid didn't finally go to sleep until almost 10 last night. He never does that shit. He's always out by 7-7:30.

And it just happened to be on the night that I started this thread about kids not going to sleep. Coincidence? I think not. More like payback.

[ms.peachy]

I'm of two minds about the book... i think the seed of the idea is great, and I certainly get where the guy is coming from! However I don't think the writing is actually that good, and seems a bit forced. Try reading it aloud and you'll see what I mean - it's doesn't flow, it's not lyrical; and it's meant to be a parody of a lullaby, so it falls flat on that front. So, like, A for effort, but D for result.

[hardnox71]

I'm of two minds about the book... i think the seed of the idea is great, and I certainly get where the guy is coming from! However I don't think the writing is actually that good, and seems a bit forced. Try reading it aloud and you'll see what I mean - it's doesn't flow, it's not lyrical; and it's meant to be a parody of a lullaby, so it falls flat on that front. So, like, A for effort, but D for result.

It's a book for adults not kids. In light of that, it's not meant to be written well, flow or be lyrical. It's simply meant to be funny. That's all.

[Adam]

haha parents.

Suckers.

[ms.peachy]

It's a book for adults not kids. In light of that, it's not meant to be written well, flow or be lyrical. It's simply meant to be funny. That's all.

No I don't agree. I mean yes of course it is a book for adults, but it is meant to be a parody of the soporific, languid verse employed by authors of successful, popular childrens books. I read an interview with the author, wherein he clearly stated that this was his intent, and he is a professional writer - so, in my opinion, he has failed to do what he set out to do (which was more than just, as you say, 'be funny'.) If he was a lay person and said, "yeah, here's this thing I came up with, I was just having a laugh and some other people seemed to like it, so I thought, what the hell", that would be one thing; but that isn't the case here.

Look, hey, if you enjoyed it, fine, more power to ya. Personally, I really wanted to like it, and heaven knows I get where the guy is coming from, but from the standpoint of 'is it good writing' and 'did he accomplish his stated goal', my opinion - and I'm allowed to have one, even if it is different from yours - is that it is trying to hard, does not flow, and is not successful. It's a shame really because it should have been better than what it is, which is mediocre.

[hardnox71]

I have not read any interviews or anything else regarding this author, but judging from the text of the book, I'm assuming he wasn't trying to win any book awards. It was something written that parents could connect with. I'm a parent. I connected. I thought it was funny. That's enough for me.

You are reading way too much into this.

[ms.peachy]

I honestly just didn't think it was all that funny or great. Like I said, I wanted to like it, but I don't. You did - great, good for you. C'est la vie.

To me it's a bit like having heard about a film, someone saying "Oh you've got to see this film, it's great!" And then I see the film, and it all just doesn't quite come together for me, like maybe the acting is good but the story is weak, something like that. And then this other person is still going "Come on, it was a good movie!' but I still feel like, meh, not so much really.

[hardnox71]

Peach, I don't really care if you like it or not. I just think you are expecting way too much from it. It's a book about kids not going to sleep. It's not War and Peace.

[ms.peachy]

No, look, I get that, I really do. Maybe if I had read it and hadn't read the interview with the author first, or even known he was a professional writer, and heard other people say "Wow, this is so funny!" Id' have had lower expectations and liked it more, but the fact is, I just don't. I'm not trying to give you reasons why you shouldn't like it, I'm just saying why I don't particularly. I'm glad for you that you enjoyed it and I'm happy for you that it brightened your day, I'd honestly prefer to share your opinion of it but I don't. And I'm done talking about it now.

[Adam]

You can get audiobooks of it with Samuel L. Jackson and Werner Herzog maybe that'd spice it up

edit: Sample (http://www.audible.com/pd?asin=B00551W570) - says it's free to buy to

[hardnox71]

And I'm done talking about it now.

(y)