Attacking the week/month/year

[Kid Presentable]

How's everyone going? Like so many of you are likely experiencing, this hurts heaps, way more than one could have ever imagined. Sometimes you think you might forget what's happened, and so it's a million times worse when it becomes real again and kicks you in the guts.

So to that end I resolved to do my best to really live in the moments of today, this week, this year (and beyond). As best I can. As a result I had an amazingly productive and fulfilling day. Watching 'Awesome I Shot That' now, catching up with a good friend in a few. Not a good day, by any stretch, but certainly one made better for being somewhat dedicated to Yauch. We'll see how tomorrow goes (don't worry, I won't be updating daily).

The single saddest moment of today was when I hijacked the office 'track of the day' thing this morning (and it was hella gloomy this morning) and played Multilateral Nuclear Disarmament for my colleagues. Seconds before I hit play I was feeling like imploding. It's on the one album which sadly brings the strongest reminders of this fucked up situation, but then the music itself bought about a rad sort of collective contemplative mood, and I could definitely feel the Beastie love from some unexpected corners.

I'd really like to hear about people's experiences back in 'reality'. If anybody wants to shoot the breeze, share how they're going, anything, please feel free to post, or alternatively PM. :)

I'm really sorry if this thread is inappropriate or anything. This isn't about anything more than trying to cope.

[pesto pizza]

(y)

[Kid Presentable]

(y)
(y)

[sab0tage]

Nothing inappropriate there KP, a first tentative step back into reality. It's good to have somewhere understanding to share it.

I worked my last shift on Friday after being given a weeks notice the previous Friday. Left a bit early and got home just as the news became public.

I'm a bit worried about the coming days because being newly unemployed I don't have a real world (not one I'm accustomed to anyway) to go back to. I'll be concentrating my energy on finding a new job and being a good stay at home Dad to my two young kids.

Inevitably I'll be dropping by here regularly and will take a lot of comfort in reading everyone's 'back to reality' stories.

Peace and love

Adrian

[Documad]

I was out of town when I heard the news, and couldn't do much with the TV, internet, etc. Plus I guess I was in shock. I got home last night and then I had bouts of sobbing. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through work today. I am surprised at my reaction. I thought I was prepared for this.

[dave790]

Good post (y) Can definitely relate with my thoughts...

I think most of us felt pretty numb. It's not really relevant as to who maybe saw this coming and who didn't, the moment cancer is the issue it's a possibility all of us must have contemplated at some point or another, so I think although there was a varying degree of shock for us all, it's a thought I had sadly entertained a few times.

But, as much as I am sad, there are a few things I think of which somewhat ease the pain. Firstly, the life Adam had, which - in his own mother's words - was really quite special. The outpouring of grief and tributes is really rather moving, albeit very much deserved...what strikes me is the variety of fields in which people have responded to the news. It's a measure of Yauch's immeasurable impact on a number of lives throughout the world, and not just as a musician.

Secondly and slightly selfishly - and the band as a force is obviously secondary to the life and well being of Yauch - although the Beastie Boys will never play in front of me again, they truly never lost it as a creative or live force, and although it's been said countless times, their legacy will live on forever.

There is so much to celebrate in terms of what Yauch has done in his life, and although it is extremely sad to lose him, I am and only ever will be a Beastie Boys fan and admirer of their personalities and conduct. Parents have lost a son, a daughter has lost her father, and a wife has lost a clearly loving husband...I may have lost an icon, but my thoughts ultimately go to those closest to him.

RIP Yauch.

edit: worth mentioning if it has not been seen..."Adam had helped us raise awareness on the plight of the Tibetan people by organising various freedom Tibet concerts and he will be remembered by his holiness and the Tibetan people." the Dalai Lama

[K-ren]

Kid P

I had to call out of work today. Too much of a mess. I'm trying to take your words to heart, get my shit together and get back out there. Thanks for sharing:o

[M.C. Guevera]

I told myself I could grieve all weekend, but then on Monday to get back to work.

It's Monday morning. I'm looking at Yauch tributes.

I'm not good at this, am I?

[Late-Night Lion]

I told myself I could grieve all weekend, but then on Monday to get back to work.

It's Monday morning. I'm looking at Yauch tributes.

I'm not good at this, am I?

I'm right there with you, that's all I've done so far today! I'm finding it hard to concentrate, my thoughts are all tied up with the Beastie Boys.

I woke up today feeling like I was punched in the stomach, every morning the reality sets in.

[M.C. Guevera]

My brain says "Do something else." And I probably will...but I want to remain bungee to this board because I want to be the first to know about any sort of public memorial, words from Mike and Adam and of course, the future of the band. This is something that is going to take a while to completely overcome.

I feel guilty because I had been ignoring the Beasties and this board lately. For no real good reason either. It's not like I was getting married or getting a new job or anything. The hell was wrong with me!?

[pshabi]

Been @ work for 22 minutes and I'm here....reading this. Sigh. I've got a lot to get done so I'll plod through it.

[cj hood]

i'm at work as well....don't want to be here. the question is my head is 'where do we go from here?'

[pshabi]

i'm at work as well....don't want to be here. the question is my head is 'where do we go from here?'

Seriously. I was talking to paulb on facebook last night before I went to bed. I've been down with the bboys since the start, no doubt, but I've really been fanatical since '95. That's 17 years....half of my existence where the bboys have pretty much been a daily part of my life. Hard to let that go.

I know, I don't have to let it go, but........I dunno.

[cj hood]

i'm still in denial...maybe cuz they haven't performed in 3 years. but, i just can't wrap my brain around it. i'm just trying to do & say the right things...

[dave790]

Definitely won't be 'letting go' myself. The B-boys have been a huge influence on me since the age of 10. They were the first band I found that I considered 'mine', as Mike once put it in regards to the Clash. Yauch's passing is more cause to hold tight than to let go.

[fonky pizza]

I feel like I lost a friend who helped me feel good about myself and a supporter, since I had a lot of things I wanted to share with him, hoping he would take a laugh at one of my comics stories or twist a move on my music, i feel a great void but at the same time even more determination on what i love to do.

I also feel greater anger about cures/cancer/ and i still want to do more for health, since I have a doctor soul.

[jennyb]

I was out of town when I heard the news, and couldn't do much with the TV, internet, etc. Plus I guess I was in shock. I got home last night and then I had bouts of sobbing. I'm not sure how I'm going to get through work today. I am surprised at my reaction. I thought I was prepared for this.

Same here, I was also out of town with only cell phone in hand. I too, am surprised at my reaction. I'm about to head out for a meeting on a job I'm super excited about doing... I just had to check in and there goes the waterworks again. I keep thinking that Adam wouldn't want anyone to really dwell on his loss but to be inspired by his life's example and carry on. He did so much to lift us all up... this is really difficult. I just keep thinking if someone like me that's so removed is feeling this, what his inner circle must be feeling. I wish them all the care, love and respect in this strange and horrible hour. Well, off I go out into the world today to carry on. Stay strong you guys and try your best to celebrate the fact we all got to share this world with Adam instead of mourning his loss. Great thread Kid P. Love to the b-fam.

[Kid Presentable]

Never gonna let go. But these are the next steps, as shit as they may be. Nobody is doing it wrong, and don't be hard on yourself.

[fonky pizza]

Never gonna let go. But these are the next steps, as shit as they may be. Nobody is doing it wrong, and don't be hard on yourself.

You are very important for this message board, I've been reading your posts for ages. Thank you for being around.(y)

[Matchstikk]

It seems silly, me being 44 years old and all, but I have found solace spinning hip hop on turntable.fm over the weekend with kids half my age. You put a Beasties track on right now and the place BLOWS UP. I've been spinning rarities like MCA & Burzootie, Rock Hard, Spam, Boomin' Granny, Four Fly Guys, Squat, The Knock (Drums of Death), E-Ticket Ride, Flavor Part 2, as well as the solid remixes like Max/Minty's Doublecheck Your Head and Cosmo's The Re-Mix Up. It's been great to get reactions from people. Lots of talk about the Beasties and what they mean to others.

Of course, I haven't been sleeping AT ALL. Fuck. I miss Adam so much. FUUUUUUUUUCK.

[Bernard Goetz]

Thanks for starting this thread KP.
I left work when I heard the news Friday (by grace I was out at lunch when I heard - my wife called me and I managed to slink back to my office, send a 'family situation' email and leave without anyone seeing me). Now I'm back at work and have decided to tell anyone who asks that Friday was about my wife's family - too raw and wounded to tell the truth (and too risky: what are the chances the workplace will understand that the death of a famous rapper is like a death in my family?).
I am also sick as a dog - I tend to develop a stress-related cold when things like this happen, and so I'm coughing and my head is congested in addition to not being able to sleep well at all, not to mention I can't stop checking FB for tributes and texting with friends/family who understand.
The only solace is Yauch is most likely at peace. But everything else about it is terrible. I mean, of all of them, Yauch is the one who was supposed to live long. All due respect to Mike and Horovitz, but I selfishly want to hear what Yauch would say to the fans when a Beastie Boy died. He's so deep, and thoughtful, and caring. But in a way, with his interviews and his lyrics, he's still doing just that. So reading and hearing his words has been helpful. And thank God his life doesn't die. I'll still be listening to his brilliant verse on Professor Booty and watching him storm the podium as Hornblower and sitting in awe at the genius idea of Awesome IFST, and learning from his experiences, from fingering the chick backstage on the LTI video to organizing the Tibet San Fran show.
That picture of Adam and his daughter is what made me cry uncontrollably on Friday, and I just wanted to say that. That's what hurts the most. We are fans, but that's a whole other level. I was more patient and attentive and giving this weekend to my daughter as a result. Thanks Adam.

[JoLovesMCA]

Thanks for this thread. Maybe it will help many fans cope with the reality of it all like myself. I am preparing to go back to work. I left abruptly on Friday and my manager was sorta shocked. I hope I can smooth things over today and let her know that it's not like every day I will just run out of the office crying.

I really hope that as days pass it will get easier, but right now I am still crying every ten minutes or so and trying to desperately stay strong. :(

Nice to read what everybody else is doing to get back to some sort of normalcy.

[pshabi]

Definitely won't be 'letting go' myself. The B-boys have been a huge influence on me since the age of 10. They were the first band I found that I considered 'mine', as Mike once put it in regards to the Clash. Yauch's passing is more cause to hold tight than to let go.

I'm definitely down with that.....Long Burn the Fire..... but there was always that "looking forward" that I enjoyed so much.

Looking forward to....

- album releases
- tour dates
- videos
- tv performances

all that.

That chapter has closed.

[pshabi]

The thing that is getting at me, is his death is bringing light to an awareness of my own mortality. It's not a gripping fear, but I can't help but get a feeling of worry when thinking about my own body, what might be brewing in my tissues/organs, what might start brewing in the future, and how all of that could impact the lives of my wife, children, and loved ones. It all happened so quick. Cancer is so devastating.

I live for the moment and always have but this shit has crept into my mind and it's scary. Sorry to be a complete downer but venting here is bringing me comfort.

[Kid Presentable]

venting here is bringing me comfort.

Good. :)

[Late-Night Lion]

I'm definitely down with that.....Long Burn the Fire..... but there was always that "looking forward" that I enjoyed so much.

Looking forward to....

- album releases
- tour dates
- videos
- tv performances

all that.

That chapter has closed.

The "looking forward" was such a huge part of my life for the past 15 or so years its going to be extremely hard to adjust. I would come here daily just to check for updates, and loved all the vague hints we would get at new material.

There's no other group out there that excites me like the Beastie Boys.

[YoungRemy]

great thread KP. i was going to say something similar like- whatever you do, do it for Adam. start with baby steps and grow from there.

yesterday I said a prayer for Adam's family, friends, and fans. then I went to a local hospital and delivered flowers for a lovely elderly woman on behalf of a church. I won my tennis match. all of that was with Adam Yauch heavily on my mind.

and then I picked up a Sunny Bak photo from the PWR2MCA project. i will share details later. i too am operating from my phone only lately.

pshabi- I'm with you on the closing of a chapter concept. it's time to move on in life and it's fucked up.

and on the morbid tip, I can't help but look at videos from the '07-'09 era and can't help to think that MCA had cancerous cells invading his body.

it pisses me off!

Stand Together.

[benchillin]

I told myself I could grieve all weekend, but then on Monday to get back to work.

It's Monday morning. I'm looking at Yauch tributes.

I'm not good at this, am I?

I started having trouble accepting Yauchs death late last night, and think i was in shock or denial all weekend.

This message board and these post are really helpful.



#RIPMCA #PWR2MCA

[Laver1969]

Excellent thread KP. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I honestly thought I'd be checking them out in Vegas when they're in their 70s performing TT5B Tuesdays and CYH Saturdays.

I feel a bit lost. Still in shock. Doesn't seem real. Still kinda speechless. Good vibes out to Yauch's family, friends and the entire Beastie community.

Rest in Peace!

[Brother McDuff]

mike put it well when he said the past few days have been a blur. the first two especially. complete zombie. a dark cloud planted itself over every task, every interaction.

the past 2 days lightened up a bit, thanks to the amount of outpour Adam continues to receive from NY and beyond. it has truly touched me deep down, it really has. images and mentions of him have turned battles to keep my shit together into proud smiles. he's getting his due, more than I'd ever imagined. it's clear that many (beyond our little community here) share such a heavy heart for our boy, and in some strange way I'm finding solace in that. it reflects a genuine appreciation, something that I always felt the bboys deserved a heavier helping of. their legacy is catching a hard, sharp shot of recognition over this, which is at least one shining beacon among such tragedy. and even moreso, the sentiment of positivity he worked so hard to spread is now receiving a stronger push than ever before in light of his passing.

if you do some research on the buddhist belief system regarding death, it offers a thick dose of optimism, one that I like to think that a man of Yauch's faith wholeheartedly carried with him in his final hours. i have very few doubts that he himself was at peace when the time came, and to me that is what I've made the cornerstone of assurance in my own personal grieving. and as cliche as it sounds, religious beliefs accounted for, Yauch truly would want us all to remain positive and reject the darkness of anguish. so I plan to focus my energy on just that, if not for myself, for him.


RIP Adam. It's been an honor being your fan.

[dave790]

I'm definitely down with that.....Long Burn the Fire..... but there was always that "looking forward" that I enjoyed so much.

Looking forward to....

- album releases
- tour dates
- videos
- tv performances

all that.

That chapter has closed.

That excitement of hearing a new Beasties single for the first time (devoting an evening to wait for the Ch-Check It Out premiere for me after hearing the teasers for a month...) or scrolling the boards for an early upload of an explosive TV spot...you're right, that side of things is sadly gone. Never forget that feeling though. I often wonder if I'd been a bit older in the 1990's and been a huge fan then, hearing Intergalactic and seeing the video for the first time after a four year wait must have been crazy huge.

I will obviously miss the looking forward process too. And more than anything the live aspect is killer. But then I'm just so grateful for the times I did see them and, as I mentioned in another thread...they never even came close to losing it.

[Kid Presentable]

It's funny, the whole looking forward was good, yet in its very nature could really stop you from enjoying and appreciating the moment. Or maybe it was the moment.

Maybe not.

Back at work. Hope you're all good.

[dave790]

There is much to enjoy and there always will be. And, in the sense of people anticipating a HSP1 a week after the last album dropped...I mean I understood the excitement but couldn't really get the need to look to the next thing so soon when the present had it all...

But it's a fans instinct to look forward. That said, and it's a little cheesy, but it's a beautiful thing being a fan in this day and age with the amount we're able to look back on. They'll be many a Beastie session up on youtube, for instance.

[JasonP]

I want to share what has made me feel better...

After seeing the Chappelle video I realized a lot of things; There will always be new tidbits of the Beastie world to discover. There will always be more to learn...they are a very deep and complex band whose music will never get old.

Something else that has comforted me is that the sick Yauch, who I have worried about for the last 3 years, is gone. But memories of a strong, youthful Yauch will always remain.

I often worried about how relevant the Beastie Boys will be in the future...but the outpouring of love for Yauch over the weekend confirmed that they will be relevant for an eternity.

Like many long time fans (25+ years) I cried off and on for 3 days. I couldn't talk to my family about him or the band without falling apart. But today I have a lot more strength, and that's because I know that all of the positive things he has put out there for us will always be around. He is our Obi-Wan Kenobi...Death has only made his legacy more powerful.

Of course I wish he was still here...but he isn't. However he left us with so much!

[frank1271]

I will keep coming to this site to look for updates,everyday just like i have been for years.Its really hard to talk about the Boys to anyone,some of my friends ask why im so emotional about a couple of old guys and i stop them and tell them that i loved these guys more then most of my family,they were there for me when i was hooked on drugs and stealing from anyone i knew,I got clean and have made my life as fun as the Boys did in FFYR,I will always remember them as the funny,artistic,innovators who i looked up to since seeing them open for madonna in the 80s.all the way to being number 2 in line at the cameo in miami behind Pshabi,yea i still remember that night.so on that note,I MISS YOU MCA AND I ALWAYS WILL.THANKS

[YoungRemy]

I must admit i was very distracted, not very focused, and pretty much frazzled all day at work today.

I went bt the Wiltern Theater on my lunch break and captured the marquee. followed by The Henry Fonda Theater. I was hoping The Palladium (famous for the Sunny Bak photo) would be updating their marquee but not yet.

I feel like heading over to Atwater Village and checking out GSon and the Pass The Mic stairwell in the alley. I almost expect there to be vigils and tributes, but either way it would help me cope by being closer to them in spirit.

[CHECKHEAD2004]

I love this thread and i love all you guys. Its been a hard few days....ive been affected by this much harder than Ive been affected by closer friends passings. Its constantly in my mind and i even dream about it.
It brings me peace hearing all these stories. He had so many people think of him the way I do. He will live on forever in my mind.

I gotta say though, in the real world my coworkers are not very sympathetic of my feelings. They don't get it. Its good to come somewhere where we all feel the same way and understand and can vent.

It's also good to hear from so many people that have been on this board forever. We must all be almost 40 by now.

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!

[JoLovesMCA]

I gotta say though, in the real world my coworkers are not very sympathetic of my feelings. They don't get it. Its good to come somewhere where we all feel the same way and understand and can vent.



Thank you. I didn't think I was alone. So the first day back at work was odd. My manager asked me "well you know we were worried about you, were you related to him or something?"

I said NO no I wasn't. She wanted a better answer then saying i was a fan, but no I wasn't a fan anyway. I admired HIM as a human for all of the great things he did.

sigh.

again thanks for this thread!

[Avalanche]

Just a little something that I thought.

Sadly, Adam has passed. But I keep thinking how the final months must've been beautiful for him. He was surrounded by family and friends. His band released one of its best albums. And in the last days, this same band got inducted into the R'n'R Hall of Fame. I believe he died with a smile on his face.

[beasties#1fan]

Just a little something that I thought.

Sadly, Adam has passed. But I keep thinking how the final months must've been beautiful for him. He was surrounded by family and friends. His band released one of its best albums. And in the last days, this same band got inducted into the R'n'R Hall of Fame. I believe he died with a smile on his face.
well they released the album a year ago...so it wasnt really his final months...but i get were your coming from... yes..his whole life was beautiful:o

[M.C. Guevera]

The continuing outpouring of love is heartwarming. If there is one good thing to come out of this, it's finding out just how much love the world has for the Beastie Boys. I knew they had one of the largest fanbases out there, but I didn't realize just *how* big it really was.

Is it a stretch now to say that the Beastie Boys are one of the world's most universally adored bands? Like up there with The Beatles and Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley? Can we say that now?

[YoungRemy]

life comes in phases take the good with the bad...

my day got better near the end of work. I work with a middle school rock band that I am very proud of and they are talented young musicians and as people are dear to my heart.
(that's why I donated to VH1 Save The music for the PWR2MCA campaign)

today I called a "band meeting"
it was a pep talk to get them through June as they are getting burnt out practicing and playing gigs (The Fonda Music Box, House Of Blues, community events etc...)

I basically told them to stick together for the rest of the year and cherish these times together. I told them that I was honored to be their "bandmates"- they let me sit in with them on harmonica for 'Can't Buy Me Love' and in general I am their biggest fan.

the female bass player almost started crying and I just couldn't keep from acting like I was an emotional wreck. another student told me that kids around their school were making fun of their band name- "The Asteroid Lightbulbs"

so I told them the story of a band that called themselves The Beastie Boys.

[Brother McDuff]

I often worried about how relevant the Beastie Boys will be in the future...but the outpouring of love for Yauch over the weekend confirmed that they will be relevant for an eternity.

...Death has only made his legacy more powerful.



my sentiments exactly. i was always concerned that they would merely be remembered by the masses simply as clowns, or some cheap soundtrack to somebody's college days. this event has truly revealed how deep their legacy runs and Yauch's passing is really solidifying it all, I think.


ive been affected by this much harder than Ive been affected by closer friends passings.!!

I felt much guilt over this same feeling. It took me days to come to terms with the fact that he had meant just as much to me as some of my closest friends. its truly amazing how much a single person who you've never even met can completely change your life.


The continuing outpouring of love is heartwarming. If there is one good thing to come out of this, it's finding out just how much love the world has for the Beastie Boys. I knew they had one of the largest fanbases out there, but I didn't realize just *how* big it really was.

agreed. i dont follow celebrity deaths in the media at all, and I realize I am as biased as it gets right now, and I admit I've lost all perspective by now…….but it really does seem like Adam is getting even more attention than alot of other, higher-profile musicians/celebs have received in the past. truly astonished and melting at how widespread his support has echoed.

[Matchstikk]

I felt much guilt over this same feeling. It took me days to come to terms with the fact that he had meant just as much to me as some of my closest friends. its truly amazing how much a single person who you've never even met can completely change your life.

This.

[M|X|Y]

life comes in phases take the good with the bad...

my day got better near the end of work. I work with a middle school rock band that I am very proud of and they are talented young musicians and as people are dear to my heart.
(that's why I donated to VH1 Save The music for the PWR2MCA campaign)

today I called a "band meeting"
it was a pep talk to get them through June as they are getting burnt out practicing and playing gigs (The Fonda Music Box, House Of Blues, community events etc...)

I basically told them to stick together for the rest of the year and cherish these times together. I told them that I was honored to be their "bandmates"- they let me sit in with them on harmonica for 'Can't Buy Me Love' and in general I am their biggest fan.

the female bass player almost started crying and I just couldn't keep from acting like I was an emotional wreck. another student told me that kids around their school were making fun of their band name- "The Asteroid Lightbulbs"

so I told them the story of a band that called themselves The Beastie Boys.

you do awesome work, youngrem (y)

[M.C. Guevera]

Every single story that I read about Yauch just makes me miss him more and more.

It isn't even just about the music. There are plenty of genius musicians who are notorious pricks. Talent doesn't equal kindness.

A good human being died.

That hurts more than anything.

[JoLovesMCA]

Four days into this and the pain is still pretty intense. I've done about everything I can think of to stay distracted but my mind is my own worst enemy right now.

Mike, Adam, Dechen, Losel, thinking of you right now and sending a lot of love and prayers.

[Rodie]

A good human being died.

That hurts more than anything.

This is so true. Even before he passed (my goodness I hate writing that) I had never heard a bad story about him. If he was as good at being a father/husband/son/brother as he was at everything else than I seriously can't even fathom how Losel, Dechen, Noel, Frances, Mike and Adam must feel right now.

Has anyone sent Yauch a PM on here recently? I was thinking that might offer some sort of closure. Can't bring myself to do it just yet though.

[pm0ney]

Watching shit like this helps..Just found it online:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FHOzS3e4Zt4

[b-grrrlie]

I went back to work yesterday, but I was more of a zombie whole day. I had been crying so much all weekend my head was aching. Been going trough loads of photos and videos over the weekend, loads of reminiscing, all the small moments when I met Yauch, all the gigs I saw, memorabilia... All the things I've done because of him: trying to ride a skateboard, studying buddhism, learning meditation, helping Tibetans, even try to do some rhymes... He meant so much to me.

Also I've been wondering why the hell I'm still here. He gets a cancer which has rather good survival rates, but he's the one who dies. I've survived cancer, car crashes, bike accidents, even a broken neck (if I'd hit the back of my head ½" higher on the faucet in the shower I wouldn't be here). What the fuck for? Sometimes life isn't fair.

[Late-Night Lion]

Today was worse, for whatever reason. The weather around here was been gloomy pretty much since Friday. I just can't get over it, still in shock.

I can't help but question why him? He was such a beautiful person, why did this have to happen to him? Ugh...

[Kid Presentable]

Yeah I had a clanger yesterday (work-related but it didn't help). Going to try and attack today.

:(

[Laver1969]

Stages of grief. This evening I started feeling angry. So I looked up the stages of grief....It's kinda helpful knowing what's coming.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
2. PAIN & GUILT-
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

I'm sure they blend together a bit and you phase in and phase out.

[JoLovesMCA]

Houston's weather has been gloomy too. Right now it's overcast. Last night there was a lightening storm and the electricty went out momentarlily.

Why him? I've repeated that a dozen times. But you know if he had lived to be 47 or 67 it would still happen. We would all eventually be forced to go through this. But why now. Why another hip hop tragedy? AND Why the Beasties? Who's next? Because you see we are all getting older and this is just going to keep happening.

I pray that Mike and Adam stay healthy for many many many many years.

About that stages of grief... I am stuck between 1-4. :(

And I am having this butterfly effect in my stomach. It's weird and unsettling. I can't get rid of it. :/

[Kid Presentable]

Stages of grief. This evening I started feeling angry. So I looked up the stages of grief....It's kinda helpful knowing what's coming.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
2. PAIN & GUILT-
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

I'm sure they blend together a bit and you phase in and phase out.

It's important to remember that everyone's experience is different.

You may experience them all, or only some of them. Out of sequence, or in that order. And you move back and forth between stages, so it's not sequential and then you're out of it. For example you will bounce between 1 and 2 pretty frequently initially. And the depression part tends to come and goes throughout the whole process.

It's also important to remember that feelings are normal, that there is no right way to do this.

[cj hood]

I think the reason that it hasn't sunken in yet for me is the years of inactivity that we're used to. In my head it's like 'oh they'll be back in '13 or early '14."

[Late-Night Lion]

I just listened to "Ch-Check it Out" and the line "No, I didn't retire" made me feel a little better...:o

Still tough though...

[Rodie]

I think the reason that it hasn't sunken in yet for me is the years of inactivity that we're used to. In my head it's like 'oh they'll be back in '13 or early '14."

I'm thinking that Sasquatch retaliated and recaptured him :)

[Headgotchecked]

How's everyone going? Like so many of you are likely experiencing, this hurts heaps, way more than one could have ever imagined. Sometimes you think you might forget what's happened, and so it's a million times worse when it becomes real again and kicks you in the guts.

So to that end I resolved to do my best to really live in the moments of today, this week, this year (and beyond). As best I can. As a result I had an amazingly productive and fulfilling day. Watching 'Awesome I Shot That' now, catching up with a good friend in a few. Not a good day, by any stretch, but certainly one made better for being somewhat dedicated to Yauch. We'll see how tomorrow goes (don't worry, I won't be updating daily).

The single saddest moment of today was when I hijacked the office 'track of the day' thing this morning (and it was hella gloomy this morning) and played Multilateral Nuclear Disarmament for my colleagues. Seconds before I hit play I was feeling like imploding. It's on the one album which sadly brings the strongest reminders of this fucked up situation, but then the music itself bought about a rad sort of collective contemplative mood, and I could definitely feel the Beastie love from some unexpected corners.

I'd really like to hear about people's experiences back in 'reality'. If anybody wants to shoot the breeze, share how they're going, anything, please feel free to post, or alternatively PM. :)

I'm really sorry if this thread is inappropriate or anything. This isn't about anything more than trying to cope.

My boss and I are roughly the same age, and I've only been working at my job now for 2 1/2 months. I asked him if he had heard about Adam's passing, and at first I got a standard and stock "Yea that was really sad" kind of answer.

Then my manager started wondering if it had anything to do with the fact that he went gray really early in life. An interesting thought, I quipped that he indeed had been gray for a long time, and even quoted Sure Shot's line of his "I've got more rhymes than I've got gray hairs". Then my manager looks up and he says "Oh, that's right! 'And that's a lot, because I've got my share.'"

My manager's kind of a dry character with few words and it's been really hard to bond with him because of that, but when he threw that at me, I had this amazing sense of rapport all of a sudden. Of course, when I was walking away the sadness came back almost immediately, but it propped me up today being reminded that almost everyone loves or loved the Beastie Boys at one time, and that Adam got to live a long, incredible life that involved more globe-trotting and more helping and inspiring of people than most people get to experience in a full lifetime.

I just wish the funk would go, I could wash for 12 hours straight in the shower and still feel covered in this mess of sadness. But seeing all of the posthumous adulation and respect makes me feel like I choose my heroes right, and that I'm alright for being a Beastie Boys fan.

Edit: I highly recommend living life, one day at a time. It works wonders. If we can leave the past in its spot and save the future for tomorrow, having all that extra energy to focus on there here-and-now can really yield some strong results. Try it out!

[M.C. Guevera]

I think the reason that it hasn't sunken in yet for me is the years of inactivity that we're used to. In my head it's like 'oh they'll be back in '13 or early '14."

But even with inactivity, there was always the chance that they'd pop up for a little while to do some shows, like the Get Out And Vote stuff or Gimme Shelter.

I'm even going to miss those periods. The ones where we'd go, "Well, they aren't doing anythi--wait. A SHOW!? FUCK YEAH!"

[Chrisco83]

I'm still in denial about it. I've been trying to continue life but everytime I stop and think, it pops in my head and I'm really sad again. I'm mad that great artists die, why can't it be ashitty rapper like soulja boy who had contributed nothing. I can't accept them never never touring again, doing talk shows, no more albums, no more mca's raspy.voice, no more live performances. I just realized yesterday we'll never hear anything live from hsc2. I just stopped and paused when it hit me, I couldn't believe it. It just seems unreal and unfair. I'm having a hard time finding interest in music anymore. Getting on these boards every day looking for news about a new album, tour, anything new beasties is all over and I can't take it right now. It fucking sucks

[elnivan]

It helped me a lot that my dad is also an avid fan of the Beasties. When I told him the news, I was not ashamed to burst into tears. He too was very touched, and we burned a candle for Adam that night.

I'm at work, and it's kinda strange that just a few of my colleagues hardly know about the Beasties (but hey, that's Hungary...). Thank goodness, one of the few I share an office with is also a huge fan, so we can discuss Adam's legacy. But still, it's so hard at the moment... It gives a lot of strength to come up here and feel a sense of unity with all the fans around the globe.

[Late-Night Lion]

I'm still in denial about it. I've been trying to continue life but everytime I stop and think, it pops in my head and I'm really sad again. I'm mad that great artists die, why can't it be ashitty rapper like soulja boy who had contributed nothing. I can't accept them never never touring again, doing talk shows, no more albums, no more mca's raspy.voice, no more live performances. I just realized yesterday we'll never hear anything live from hsc2. I just stopped and paused when it hit me, I couldn't believe it. It just seems unreal and unfair. I'm having a hard time finding interest in music anymore. Getting on these boards every day looking for news about a new album, tour, anything new beasties is all over and I can't take it right now. It fucking sucks

Totally agree with you. I feel like the other music I would listen to would to would just hold me over until the next Beastie Boys release. I was just always anticipating it. And the HSCP2 live thing.....it kills me. Ever since hearing that album, I've dreamed about hearing those songs live....man I'm sad.

[sab0tage]

Been trying to move on an deal with things since the weekend. I lost my job on Friday and got home a little early to the just breaking news that MCA had passed. Today I've been mostly rocking the Beasties really fucking loud whilst filling out a couple of job applications.

Anyway I left the stereo on while I went out to pick up the kids from nursery and when we walked back in 'Learning Remote Control' from the remastered edition of HN was playing. My 3 year old son, Brodie, turned around and said "That's the Beastie Boys Daddy".

Needless to say I was hit by mixed emotions; my boy knows the Beasties when he hears them :cool: but he'll never get to see them perform live :(

Rest assured though he'll get to know all about them whether he likes it or not ;)

[JoLovesMCA]

Been trying to move on an deal with things since the weekend. I lost my job on Friday and got home a little early to the just breaking news that MCA had passed. Today I've been mostly rocking the Beasties really fucking loud whilst filling out a couple of job applications.

Anyway I left the stereo on while I went out to pick up the kids from nursery and when we walked back in 'Learning Remote Control' from the remastered edition of HN was playing. My 3 year old son, Brodie, turned around and said "That's the Beastie Boys Daddy".

Needless to say I was hit by mixed emotions; my boy knows the Beasties when he hears them :cool: but he'll never get to see them perform live :(

Rest assured though he'll get to know all about them whether he likes it or not ;)

Well that sucks about the job. Hang in there. Something better will come your way. (y)

Every morning when I wake up now this whole thing just hits me over and over. It's just horrible. Honestly would lose my mind if I didn't have the great fans in this fandom to talk to.

Edit: And to make matters worse it's cancer awareness week at my job. There are fliers everywhere and I got an email about what to do to prevent cancer. :(

[benchillin]

Stages of grief. This evening I started feeling angry. So I looked up the stages of grief....It's kinda helpful knowing what's coming.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
2. PAIN & GUILT-
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

I'm sure they blend together a bit and you phase in and phase out.

i think i am:

3. BARGAINING/4.REFLECTION

[Beastiefreak]

This thread really is excellent. (y)

Some of you in this thread said that they didn't feel like going to work after the weekend. For me it was the other way around. The whole weekend was pretty dark, so when Monday started and it was time to go to back to work, I was very relieved. It was great to get out of the house and get something else to think about. Yesterday after work I went out to buy a gift for my mom for Mother's day.

Thinking about Yauch still makes me very sad, of course, but I'm trying to stay strong.

Best wishes to everyone here!

[midzi]

I didn't feel like going to work on Monday either. But it helped cause it turned my attention away from this.

It's easier each day but only because I'm getting used to this feeling. It's the first thing that comes to my mind when I wake up...eeeh

Reading the boards gives a bit of comfort cause I know I'm not alone, but writing about my feelings is really difficult and strange.

[jennyb]

...Reading the boards gives a bit of comfort cause I know I'm not alone, but writing about my feelings is really difficult and strange.

I hear ya Midz... hang in there, we're all feelin it. So nice to hear from you. I think it's going to be quite a while before the sting of this loss wears off. Not only did we lose the magnificent beauty that is MCA, but we also mourn the loss of the collective Beastie Boys. I'm thankful I've a baby boy who needs a plethora of attention and playtime that snaps me out of my funk. But god damn this hurts like a MOTHER effer. I can't believe that never again will I get to stand in line all day with my cherished bboys friends in anticipation of the joy to come from being on the rail at a bboys show. I'm eternally grateful for the many many times I got to see them, and to think Paul and I were at the last performance... wow. Ok, I guess I better get off the boards and get back to work. Peace.

[Monsieur Decuts]

I had just returned from a commencment ceremony where I earned a Master's degree. I had tons of family and friends at the house, my children running around and then some one posted something on my FB wall....i was in disbelief. I retreated to the basement and logged on the computer.....and then let a couple tears out. I wasn't super sad or whatever...they were tears of respect more than anything. I know that MCA had 3 years to attack his bucket list and hopefully left everything where he wanted it. Part of the tears were a relief that the struggle was over, that he was finally at rest....that this chapter could be done with. I will be FOREVER grateful that they were able to push out one final albumn before his passing, and a video which can only be interpreted as closing the chapter on the LTI era he seemed to have so regretted.

It saddens me that most of the tributes (and ITunes sales jump) focus on LTI so much.....

[MIKEtotheD]

It saddens me that most of the tributes (and ITunes sales jump) focus on LTI so much.....

I agree with you.
iTunes has LTI for $5.99, whereas all the other albums are normal-priced.
Maybe that has something to do with it?

[gbsuey]

I never even thought of that....did he have a bucket list, and did he get to do it all??

This came so out of the blue for me, life is just so crazy busy, i hadn't even remembered to go back and watch the Hall of fame footage anywhere, so i hadn't even been aware Yauch wasn't there. How shit is that. So it wasn't on my radar that actually he had gone downhill recently.

I'm grateful to have been a bit more chilled this week, giving myself time to get the comfort from you all here, to read the tributes, and to just celebrate the life of a beautiful person.

[JoLovesMCA]

You know one thing that I wanted to add. It’s so nice to know that Mike, Adam and Adam had that chance to spend a lot of time together making their last record. Like when MCA was well enough to finally join them in the studio for those edits, I remember Horovitz saying how it changed everything and that they didn’t take any moment for granted. He said they had a lot of laughs! I can just imagine how wonderful it was for the three of them to have that last experience together before it got too bad for him. Not to mention their moments together doing the FFYR filmio. All of the laughs on the set, those photos from the book. The smiles on MCA's face. He was in his element. Everything looked so hopeful. I just can't bring myself to accept it.

[The Ron]

I know that MCA had 3 years to attack his bucket list and hopefully left everything where he wanted it. Part of the tears were a relief that the struggle was over, that he was finally at rest....that this chapter could be done with. I will be FOREVER grateful that they were able to push out one final albumn before his passing, and a video which can only be interpreted as closing the chapter on the LTI era he seemed to have so regretted.

I second this...I bet most everyone here has had a personal experience with cancer so it hits home pretty hard. There is nothing like watching someone go through it first hand. He is now at peace and if anything, that should put a smile on many faces. :)
...I'm pretty sure I'm still teetering on the damn denial stage.

"The only thing that saved me
Has always been music....
'Cause life ain't nothing but a good groove
A good mix tape to put you in the right mood"

[Documad]

It's been really tough. I've been surprised at how many acquaintances have come up to me and said something though. Every time it happens, I start to tear up again, but I'm glad I know so many thoughtful people. :o

[benchillin]

It must be guilt mixed with anger. i am sorry.

[brooklyndust]

I find doing a good dead in the name of Yauch is a good coping mechanism.

Whether it’s volunteering with your local food bank, donating to charity, or just going out of your way to do something nice.

I was listening to Resolution time and the Update earlier. I was inspired by MCA lyrics and ended up picking up trash on the subway and sidewalk today. Everyday I walk by trash in my neighbourhood I always complain but I don’t do anything to clean it up.

It felt good doing something proactive and positive.

I was lucky enough to work all this weekend so I was busy and didn't have too much time to get bummed out. Staying busy is another way to help deal with death.

[sab0tage]

I'm finding that things seem to be going round in circles for me. I didn't listen to any Beasties music for the first few days but it's the only music I've listened too since then. I find myself fairly positive quite often now but then someone will say something or I'll hear a lyric or read a post or tribute and it hits me again. He's gone and he's not coming back. Taking strength from this thread and the boards in general though. It's good to be here.

[The Ron]

This shit ain't getting any easier.

I've always been on the boards as much as possible but post 5/4 has given it a different vibe (understandably so). I'm constantly looking at everyone's post's and tributes and I even started to post a little.

I talk about Yauch daily and I'm pretty sure it's going to start driving people crazy who are around me a lot...hence it's nice to be here :)

[JoLovesMCA]

You know what else I was thinking. If any of us knew when we were going to die I bet we'd do things differently. Well I would. Yauch did all of those great things from a pure place, with no motives and had no idea that his time here would be a short one. I think that's part of why it is so heartbreaking.

It's already the 14th and my heart is still so heavy. :(

If Mike and Horovitz read this I hope they know that we will never leave their sides.

[The Ron]

Yauch did all of those great things from a pure place, with no motives and had no idea that his time here would be a short one.

If Mike and Horovitz read this I hope they know that we will never leave their sides.

Yauch was motivated by making others happy. Mike said it best...the world needs more like him.

I'll be rockin BBoys till I go deaf (god forbid) I laugh at the thought of being old and singing along...but it'll be me (and a lot of others here I'm sure)

[benchillin]

Stages of grief. This evening I started feeling angry. So I looked up the stages of grief....It's kinda helpful knowing what's coming.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
2. PAIN & GUILT-
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

I'm sure they blend together a bit and you phase in and phase out.


i am thinking maybe #5..


5. THE UPWARD TURN-

[JoLovesMCA]

Does anybody else have difficulty keeping this out of your mind especially when you are trying to do daily tasks, or if you are out with friends or family and you see them all laughing and smiling without a care in the world? I envy them!

This is crazy but what's been helping me out is watching old black and white movies and shows. It's a good escape. I've been watching back to back episodes or the George Burns and Gracie Allen show!


I just feel such a void. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it go away. From what I read online, mourning has to take its course and there is no way to tell when it will get easier. Well that's not what I want to hear.

[WesleyOHSnaps!]

Does anybody else have difficulty keeping this out of your mind especially when you are trying to do daily tasks, or if you are out with friends or family and you see them all laughing and smiling without a care in the world? I envy them!

This is crazy but what's been helping me out is watching old black and white movies and shows. It's a good escape. I've been watching back to back episodes or the George Burns and Gracie Allen show!


I just feel such a void. I wish I could snap my fingers and make it go away. From what I read online, mourning has to take its course and there is no way to tell when it will get easier. Well that's not what I want to hear.

Joe I'm right there with you. To the point that my girlfriend was starting to worry about me cause I've been in such a funk/somber/angry/sad place since the 4th.

I sometimes feel strange or the weird guy because just like when I was a kid and a teen I was the only one in my group who was a complete nut about the Beastie Boys and I still em so it's hard cause the people in my life don't get it and that's understandable.

But this is why I love this board. All of you are like a support group for Beastie fans.

Now I'm rambling....

[JoLovesMCA]

Joe I'm right there with you. To the point that my girlfriend was starting to worry about me cause I've been in such a funk/somber/angry/sad place since the 4th.

I sometimes feel strange or the weird guy because just like when I was a kid and a teen I was the only one in my group who was a complete nut about the Beastie Boys and I still em so it's hard cause the people in my life don't get it and that's understandable.

But this is why I love this board. All of you are like a support group for Beastie fans.

Now I'm rambling....

Yeah you're right, coming here makes it better because who is gonna understand me anywhere else? Not people at work, not my family.. To them it's just another sad celebrity death but it's not something they dwell on or think about afterwards. It's why I envy them so much. But they are missing out on the greatness of Adam and the boys. No matter how bad it hurts i am glad I supported them all these years. It least we know we are not alone!

And really half of my pain isn't even about me. I am constantly worrying about Mike and Adam and just feel such anger that Adam was taken away from them. He belongs with them. That's how it was always supposed to be. Just hard man!

Now I am rambling too!!!!!!

[WesleyOHSnaps!]

Yeah the Mike and Adam part is really hard. This is why I haven't posted in the retiring thread.

[JoLovesMCA]

Yeah the Mike and Adam part is really hard. This is why I haven't posted in the retiring thread.

Right! (y) I learned my lesson about that and am now avoiding that thread.

[Hello_Kitty]

I wish I had seen this thread earlier as I felt the same exact emotions all of you have felt and I still do. I guess I'm not moving through those stage of emotions very fast. ;)

[benchillin]

I wish I had seen this thread earlier as I felt the same exact emotions all of you have felt and I still do. I guess I'm not moving through those stage of emotions very fast. ;)
today was a hard one for me, but thank all of you so much for being here.
:p

[benchillin]

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
2. PAIN & GUILT-
3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
5. THE UPWARD TURN-
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-.

today, i felt like i was :
6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-

[benchillin]

(y)(y);)

[Kid Presentable]

If listening to their music is something you feel might make you sad, I say (and it's only a suggestion) that forcing yourself to do so and pushing that sadness to the surface is a solid first step to feeling a little better. It's become the soundtrack to a kind of growing up I never thought I'd have to do. It's profound.

Hope you guys are cool. I'm dealing, but then it's easy for a fan compared to, say, his friends and family. We have a rare opportunity to do justice to the man by bumping the shit out of his and his crew's art.

[PortlandBGirl]

I find with grief that the stages aren't linear, you think you are making progress only to slide. Two steps forward, one step back.

The other thing I have found with grief is that when you suffer a major loss, you learn that you will never "get over it". You learn to live with it. Your life is changed and you adjust to the new normal. I have experienced this before in my personal life, I never would have thought the death of someone I've never met would fall in this category. But it is 18 days later and I am still devastated, this one has changed me.

[sab0tage]

I didn't listen to any music whatsoever for several days after the news. I know some people still haven't listened to the Beasties since May 4th but I've now gone completely the other way. I haven't listened to anything but the Beasties since and I can't actually bring myself to listen to any other music. It feels like I'm trying to hang on to something and that if I listen to any other artist I'll be diluting my memory of the Boys. I even cleared all non Beastie music on my iphone. Weird!

[JoLovesMCA]

I find with grief that the stages aren't linear, you think you are making progress only to slide. Two steps forward, one step back.

The other thing I have found with grief is that when you suffer a major loss, you learn that you will never "get over it". You learn to live with it. Your life is changed and you adjust to the new normal. I have experienced this before in my personal life, I never would have thought the death of someone I've never met would fall in this category. But it is 18 days later and I am still devastated, this one has changed me.

Agree with everything you just said. We don't have a choice in the matter. Life must go on, responsibilities must still be taken care of, our family and friends still need us, but yes it does change you. I always said it was like 911 for me when I think back about how life was before that tragedy. Now with my inspiration no longer here I will always look back on May 4th and think damn life changed literally on that date.. forever.

And I've had that two steps forward, one step back. It's not even about me. Mostly when I get sad I am imagining Losel growing up and missing her dad because he's not there for big milestones in her life. That's what really hurts. :(

[jennyb]

this still ssssuckkkks, but life goes on somehow :((y)

[Kid Presentable]

And I've had that two steps forward, one step back. It's not even about me. Mostly when I get sad I am imagining Losel growing up and missing her dad because he's not there for big milestones in her life. That's what really hurts. :(

She'll have two of the best uncles in the world and a planet full of people that care about her.

[JoLovesMCA]

She'll have two of the best uncles in the world and a planet full of people that care about her.

I won't argue with you about that. (y)

[Kid Presentable]

Hope you're all doing good. The music got me through some hard times in my life, and in a very bittersweet way, it's doing so now.

[fonky pizza]

Hope you're all doing good. The music got me through some hard times in my life, and in a very bittersweet way, it's doing so now.

Thanks, but not really.

[JoLovesMCA]

I try not to think about it. I have a lot going on right now in my personal life and at work so it helps to keep me distracted from this sad ass shit. But then when I got the RollingStone magazine I only half read through it and had to stop a little bit because it just brought me down again.

On the other hand I am happy Yauch was with his wife and daughter on that beautiful ranch just enjoying their time together. And then know he wanted to make more music with Mike and Adam makes me happy too. But this is always going to be hard. It's always going to be with us. As Horovitz said...... this fucking sucks!

[FlechaRojo]

I believe with my whole heart that Losel will be ok and she is completely supported in her grief. I'm sure there are many of us who have been in her shoes, myself included. My father was a very charismatic man and I still have lots of people who come up to me years later telling me just how much he impacted them for the better and his charity toward the plight of others is still inspiring. As a teen, I didn't quite get that, but now I do. The difference for Losel, of course, is that she will hear and see her father's voice/image for the rest of her life in the public arena. In a way, that may be of solace. May she also be comforted in understanding that she will not carry this grief alone and that her father's impact vibrates throughout the world.

As much of a void this is for all of us left behind, Yauch seems to have taken measures to ensure that everyone will be taken care of and his inner potential ripened to the fullest in this lifetime.

[JoLovesMCA]

Well as August approaches I will thankfully say I can handle this whole ordeal a bit better. I still think about it daily and I still get pretty down about it… But you know all of these great fan gatherings and tributes are really nice to have around. It definitely keeps your spirits from sinking too low!

The hardest for me was finally listening to their music again. Working on this birthday project kinda forced me into it. What sucks for me is that it feels different now when I hear them. Maybe it’s me though. Maybe those feelings will go away but I don’t know. :/

[Kid Presentable]

Jo it means a lot to read that you're feeling a little better. It's easy for the music to leave you with that hollow feeling, especially since their personalities are so inextricably linked to everything they put out.

I just listen to Hold It Now, Hit It on repeat and have a one man dance party. A song I never really gave a second thought; it's now my crutch. You can find that type of thing in the weirdest places with a catalogue like theirs.

[b-grrrlie]

For me the grieving process included listening to Beastie Boys and Beastie Boys only, even though sometimes good basslines (like Root Down) made me burst into tears. It's only been the last week or so (since my Spotify account expired) I've forced myself to listen to other music.

[YoungRemy]

I just listen to Hold It Now, Hit It on repeat and have a one man dance party. A song I never really gave a second thought; it's now my crutch. You can find that type of thing in the weirdest places with a catalogue like theirs.

it was watching the video for this that gave me a similar feeling. in that era, they were showing how they would eventually control their career and behave as artists.

it's like they were given a green light to drop their perceived image of the time, and just be themselves.

and Adam's "dollar dollar bill" into the camera brings a smile to my face every time.

[Franci]

I believe with my whole heart that Losel will be ok and she is completely supported in her grief. I'm sure there are many of us who have been in her shoes, myself included. My father was a very charismatic man and I still have lots of people who come up to me years later telling me just how much he impacted them for the better and his charity toward the plight of others is still inspiring. As a teen, I didn't quite get that, but now I do. The difference for Losel, of course, is that she will hear and see her father's voice/image for the rest of her life in the public arena. In a way, that may be of solace. May she also be comforted in understanding that she will not carry this grief alone and that her father's impact vibrates throughout the world.

As much of a void this is for all of us left behind, Yauch seems to have taken measures to ensure that everyone will be taken care of and his inner potential ripened to the fullest in this lifetime.

So true... I wish I had a voice recording of my dad, the only thing I have is pictures

By the way, I agree with everything you've said :)

[JoLovesMCA]

Jo it means a lot to read that you're feeling a little better. It's easy for the music to leave you with that hollow feeling, especially since their personalities are so inextricably linked to everything they put out.

I just listen to Hold It Now, Hit It on repeat and have a one man dance party. A song I never really gave a second thought; it's now my crutch. You can find that type of thing in the weirdest places with a catalogue like theirs.

Thanks. I am sure that Adam wouldn’t want to see his family, friends or the fans fall apart. I could learn a thing or two from him and the way he dealt with heavy shit. He took his sadness often and made it into a positive act or a positive lyric. :/

Hold It Now Hit It is a great song but the video really makes it. It’s definitely one of those that show their personalities…. and it’s full of bromance! Actually what am I sayin, all of their videos are bromantic! Nobody has or ever will have that much fun together in a video than the Beasties.

So that’s why it’s important I get my Beastie Groove back!!!!

[BboyLover#1]

I started to decorate the walls of my room with all of my collectibles again. I feel 13 and my family thinks I'm crazy, but it has been uplifting to go through all of my items and relive my career of fandom. Just like my name states I'm the #1bboylover.

[The Ron]

For me the grieving process included listening to Beastie Boys and Beastie Boys only

Dido

[Kid Presentable]

Yeah me too.

[pshabi]

Dido

"My tea's gone cold I'm wonderin' why I......"

[LilTreyR]

"My tea's gone cold I'm wonderin' why I......"

Dude please don't get offended by this but, maybe your heart is not a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots (y)

[fonky pizza]

I miss MCA a lot in my imagination.
The song "I don't know" popped up on the radio on a summer night, I was stuck by the surprise and never listened to it with so much intensity...his voice is so much alive, where are you MCA?

[kll]

This may sound strange, but after I got my tattoo, I felt some closure. In my own head, it was the ultimate dedication to not only Yauch, but as a way to mark where I am today (which ultimately can be traced back to Yauch's voice in Car Thief.)

I have moments of absolute sadness, a couple of regrets that hang around, and just disbelief that this is it. He's not in this world anymore. I won't see him live ever again. I almost feel like the longer he's gone, the harder it is to absorb those realities.

[Panamint]

That day sucked. The weekend would have sucked had I not had a ticket to go see Roger Waters the day after (who I ended up meeting and his body guard had on an OLD ratty Check Your Head shirt on under his jacket).


On the drive to the show, I listened to my "Beastie Highlights" CD I had burned. That helped a lot.

[pshabi]

This may sound strange, but after I got my tattoo, I felt some closure. In my own head, it was the ultimate dedication to not only Yauch, but as a way to mark where I am today (which ultimately can be traced back to Yauch's voice in Car Thief.)

I have moments of absolute sadness, a couple of regrets that hang around, and just disbelief that this is it. He's not in this world anymore. I won't see him live ever again. I almost feel like the longer he's gone, the harder it is to absorb those realities.

The thinking back to live shows is the thing that really rips my heart out. I just spent some time searching out all of the "reports" I posted here after shows. Reading them brought me STRAIGHT back to those nights. Outstanding memories, no doubt, but knowing that it's OVER is such a punch in the gut. I'm gonna bump so bboys now.

[YoungRemy]

I just had a random memory of a santa barbara show, or was it Berkeley? it was 07 and Mike D on stage said that the band drove up in a van from LA, Mix Master Mike was driving, and they got out midway and all jumped in the water.

I can picture Mike, Adam, Adam, MMM, $Mark, and Alfredo, that image of a band of brothers.

I'm going to miss stories like that.

[Documad]

I have moments of absolute sadness, a couple of regrets that hang around, and just disbelief that this is it. He's not in this world anymore. I won't see him live ever again. I almost feel like the longer he's gone, the harder it is to absorb those realities.

Yeah, this is exactly it for me.

[YoungRemy]

I can't believe I am writing this, but here goes. bear with me there's a point to it.

I have been playing tennis like a madman. I picked it up after a 10+ year hiatus and playing again has improved the overall quality of my life.

recently, especially after MCA died, I have been working on my mental game, trying to stay focused and in the moment.

what I find myself doing is using beastie boys lyrics to help me focus, and during an intense match I might tell myself stuff like "You gotta Fight!" or "Don't Stop!" in the exact way you would hear it on an album. I can apply over a dozen lyrics at any given moment.

in one of my last matches I was struggling and I used a line from So Whatcha Want- "In my head I just wanna take 'em down, imagination set LOOSE so I'm gonna' shake 'em down..."

this is all in my head of course. and I won the match.

often times I hear MCA saying "praying mantis on the court and I can't be beat..." or "on the court I go by the name praying mantis...

... got the edge and I've got the advantage"

it's been helping me out tremendously.

this last weekend I was losing and I noticed a flying bug all over the court. normally I would try swatting it away in the middle of the action, but this thing wasn't a moth or a fly or anything-

it was a huge praying mantis with these giant ass wings.

it landed on my side of the court in the middle of my struggles and just sat there. I stopped what I was doing, walked over to it, picked it up by its legs and placed it safely through the fence into the adjoining garden.

and then I proceeded to thoroughly thrash my opponent for the comeback win...

thanks Adam!

[TreasureEverywh]

Made me smile, that. Thanks, Remy! :)

[Bernard Goetz]

I can't believe I am writing this, but here goes. bear with me there's a point to it.

I have been playing tennis like a madman. I picked it up after a 10+ year hiatus and playing again has improved the overall quality of my life.

recently, especially after MCA died, I have been working on my mental game, trying to stay focused and in the moment.

what I find myself doing is using beastie boys lyrics to help me focus, and during an intense match I might tell myself stuff like "You gotta Fight!" or "Don't Stop!" in the exact way you would hear it on an album. I can apply over a dozen lyrics at any given moment.

in one of my last matches I was struggling and I used a line from So Whatcha Want- "In my head I just wanna take 'em down, imagination set LOOSE so I'm gonna' shake 'em down..."

this is all in my head of course. and I won the match.

often times I hear MCA saying "praying mantis on the court and I can't be beat..." or "on the court I go by the name praying mantis...

... got the edge and I've got the advantage"

it's been helping me out tremendously.

this last weekend I was losing and I noticed a flying bug all over the court. normally I would try swatting it away in the middle of the action, but this thing wasn't a moth or a fly or anything-

it was a huge praying mantis with these giant ass wings.

it landed on my side of the court in the middle of my struggles and just sat there. I stopped what I was doing, walked over to it, picked it up by its legs and placed it safely through the fence into the adjoining garden.

and then I proceeded to thoroughly thrash my opponent for the comeback win...

thanks Adam!

This is awesome. Thanks for sharing.

[Kid Presentable]

Nice, Remy. Made me smile.

[JoLovesMCA]

I can't believe I am writing this, but here goes. bear with me there's a point to it.

I have been playing tennis like a madman. I picked it up after a 10+ year hiatus and playing again has improved the overall quality of my life.

recently, especially after MCA died, I have been working on my mental game, trying to stay focused and in the moment.

what I find myself doing is using beastie boys lyrics to help me focus, and during an intense match I might tell myself stuff like "You gotta Fight!" or "Don't Stop!" in the exact way you would hear it on an album. I can apply over a dozen lyrics at any given moment.

in one of my last matches I was struggling and I used a line from So Whatcha Want- "In my head I just wanna take 'em down, imagination set LOOSE so I'm gonna' shake 'em down..."

this is all in my head of course. and I won the match.

often times I hear MCA saying "praying mantis on the court and I can't be beat..." or "on the court I go by the name praying mantis...

... got the edge and I've got the advantage"

it's been helping me out tremendously.

this last weekend I was losing and I noticed a flying bug all over the court. normally I would try swatting it away in the middle of the action, but this thing wasn't a moth or a fly or anything-

it was a huge praying mantis with these giant ass wings.

it landed on my side of the court in the middle of my struggles and just sat there. I stopped what I was doing, walked over to it, picked it up by its legs and placed it safely through the fence into the adjoining garden.

and then I proceeded to thoroughly thrash my opponent for the comeback win...

thanks Adam!

(y)

Yes, thanks Adam. That was really cool. Nice how you pointed out his lyrics. He always had this confidence and this idea that no matter what came his way he was going to face it and take care of the situation.

Approaching five months. :(

[Kid Presentable]

Approaching five months. :(

Crazy. I've lived better in the time since his passing than I think I ever have, and am getting closer to unlocking my potential every hour. I'd like to thank him for teaching me that, acknowledging how awful the circumstances of the lesson have been.

[WhoMoi?]

YoungRemy - thank you for that. (y)

[Hiphopdancer]

Crazy. I've lived better in the time since his passing than I think I ever have, and am getting closer to unlocking my potential every hour. I'd like to thank him for teaching me that, acknowledging how awful the circumstances of the lesson have been.

I concur wholeheartedly!

[JoLovesMCA]

Crazy. I've lived better in the time since his passing than I think I ever have, and am getting closer to unlocking my potential every hour. I'd like to thank him for teaching me that, acknowledging how awful the circumstances of the lesson have been.

That's good to hear. I am sure Adam would be very happy to hear that his fans are striving to be better and live better. I think that's all he ever wanted to see happen in the world.

I have taken a bigger initative to spend time with loved ones. This past weekened I just rounded up my mom, aunt, cousins and rented us out a beach house for the weekend. And I've been better about taking care of my own health. In the midst of that my uncle was diagnosed with cancer. We just lost his wife my aunt Denise to anal cancer, but I heard prostate cancer has good outcomes. :/ Well shit we heard that same damn thing about Adam's cancer.

Whatever happens is going to happen.

I hope everybody else is doing okay. I saw Tammy D post on face-book and she said she showed Dechen all of the wonderful photos and tributes fans have been leaving for Adam. It just really made me feel good to know that they KNOW they have that support from the fans!!!

[WhoMoi?]

I have taken a bigger initative to spend time with loved ones. This past weekened I just rounded up my mom, aunt, cousins and rented us out a beach house for the weekend. And I've been better about taking care of my own health. In the midst of that my uncle was diagnosed with cancer. We just lost his wife my aunt Denise to anal cancer, but I heard prostate cancer has good outcomes. :/ Well shit we heard that same damn thing about Adam's cancer.
I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt, Jo. :( I hope for a good outcome for your uncle.
It's so weird, because it seemed like for a few years there, everyone I knew who had cancer was able to beat it, including my mom. But the last couple of years - especially this one - it's been the opposite. Lost my aunt two years ago, and both my uncle and a co-worker within just the last two weeks. And of course, Yauch a few months ago. All because of cancer, and all of them were great human beings and far too young.



Whatever happens is going to happen.
I think this is the hardest thing to accept. We humans are always trying to control so much, and we're often successful in doing so; but ultimately, there are some things that are just beyond our control.

It's so great to hear that people have been making an attempt to live well and to the fullest in the wake of Yauch's passing. For me, with Yauch and all these other people around me losing their lives too young to cancer, I've been really feeling the importance of living life to the fullest, and it's causing me to re-evaluate a lot of things. But I'm kind of starting to "re-evaluate" to the point of stressing out, since some of these decisions are about some pretty major life changes. And in doing so I'm not really living my life to the fullest. I feel like a Woody Allen movie. :)

But I have definitely been more aware of how fortunate I am in many ways, and consciously feeling a lot of gratitude for my loved ones, since Adam left us. And he is truly an inspiration as far as how he lived his life for these past 20 years or so. If there are actual answers to the questions of how a person should live life and what the meaning of it all is, I feel like he probably came closer to knowing - and living - those answers than most anyone else has.

I hope everybody else is doing okay. I saw Tammy D post on face-book and she said she showed Dechen all of the wonderful photos and tributes fans have been leaving for Adam. It just really made me feel good to know that they KNOW they have that support from the fans!!!
Thank you for sharing this. Makes me feel good too. (y)

[Kid Presentable]

Learning from Adam was hard. Personally, my own crises of divorce and career uncertainty and 15 plus years of untreated major depressive disorder sort of paled in comparison.

I think (and it's sort of trite, but I hope not) I had simply spent too long fellating the cod-piece of unhappiness. When I put my bullshit life up against Yauch's and the fact that all he tried to do for the last three years was feel better, I kind of decided it was time I took advantage of the fact that I could feel better.

It started incrementally, just putting out good stuff through my actions and thoughts (and I'm still far from perfect, shit, even far from good). I'd been exercising for last 12 months, and have recently stepped that up to the next level. I dunno. Just taking more satisfaction in being here, rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.

Some of the steps were medically based, sure. But those solutions allowed me to use tools I already had. I dunno. I'm not trying to make this my thing for now, but I always find it best to learn from the experiences of others. So I'm just sharing.

I guess you sort of realise eventually that life isn't about being better than the next guy as much as it is an inward-focused exercise first and foremost. And if that exercise and journey makes you better than the next guy, and that's what you want, I suppose that's something.

[fonky pizza]

When I put my bullshit life up against Yauch's and the fact that all he tried to do for the last three years was feel better, I kind of decided it was time I took advantage of the fact that I could feel better.



This is extremely sad:(:(:(

[JoLovesMCA]

I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt, Jo. :( I hope for a good outcome for your uncle.
It's so weird, because it seemed like for a few years there, everyone I knew who had cancer was able to beat it, including my mom. But the last couple of years - especially this one - it's been the opposite. Lost my aunt two years ago, and both my uncle and a co-worker within just the last two weeks. And of course, Yauch a few months ago. All because of cancer, and all of them were great human beings and far too young.

I think this is the hardest thing to accept. We humans are always trying to control so much, and we're often successful in doing so; but ultimately, there are some things that are just beyond our control.

It's so great to hear that people have been making an attempt to live well and to the fullest in the wake of Yauch's passing. For me, with Yauch and all these other people around me losing their lives too young to cancer, I've been really feeling the importance of living life to the fullest, and it's causing me to re-evaluate a lot of things. But I'm kind of starting to "re-evaluate" to the point of stressing out, since some of these decisions are about some pretty major life changes. And in doing so I'm not really living my life to the fullest. I feel like a Woody Allen movie. :)

But I have definitely been more aware of how fortunate I am in many ways, and consciously feeling a lot of gratitude for my loved ones, since Adam left us. And he is truly an inspiration as far as how he lived his life for these past 20 years or so. If there are actual answers to the questions of how a person should live life and what the meaning of it all is, I feel like he probably came closer to knowing - and living - those answers than most anyone else has.


Thank you for sharing this. Makes me feel good too. (y)


Thank you! Yeah it’s scary. Sorry to hear about your family affected by cancer too.
Unfortunately, so many of us here can relate. But you know Chuck D’s comment sticks with me. When Yauch died he said his father told him to be prepared because when he got older he would start losing a lot of people close to him. He said he never
understood what he meant till now.

I want stay proactive though. I mean instead of getting down and questioning cancer
so much, I want to try and do my part in donating to the cause. I hope as a fan
community we continue to do that in Adam’s name. And yes that was cool of Tammy. She doesn’t post often but her last comments about

Adam were really moving. Damn. Adam’s gone, but he’s left part of himself with them
and they are carrying his memory well. That is comforting to me.

Oh I understand the Woody Allen movie reference completely. I sometimes feel that
way too!



Learning from Adam was hard. Personally, my own crises of divorce and career uncertainty and 15 plus years of untreated major depressive disorder sort of paled in comparison.

I think (and it's sort of trite, but I hope not) I had simply spent too long fellating the cod-piece of unhappiness. When I put my bullshit life up against Yauch's and the fact that all he tried to do for the last three years was feel better, I kind of decided it was time I took advantage of the fact that I could feel better.

It started incrementally, just putting out good stuff through my actions and thoughts (and I'm still far from perfect, shit, even far from good). I'd been exercising for last 12 months, and have recently stepped that up to the next level. I dunno. Just taking more satisfaction in being here, rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.

Some of the steps were medically based, sure. But those solutions allowed me to use tools I already had. I dunno. I'm not trying to make this my thing for now, but I always find it best to learn from the experiences of others. So I'm just sharing.

I guess you sort of realise eventually that life isn't about being better than the next guy as much as it is an inward-focused exercise first and foremost. And if that exercise and journey makes you better than the next guy, and that's what you want, I suppose that's something.





And you see what’s so incredible about Adam is that even in death he’s changing people’s lives. That’s great that you decided to make those changes too. Focusing on your health and taking care of your mental health is going to be a big positive change for you. I am somehow channeling Bodhisattva VOW in my mind as I say these words! But yeah and I wouldn’t think Adam would feel his life is any better. I bet he would just say he’s just doing the right thing. But you know sometimes that's not always easy!!! I say he would be so overwhelmed and satisfied that you’re focusing on getting better. ;)

[b-grrrlie]

I can't believe I am writing this, but here goes. bear with me there's a point to it.

I have been playing tennis like a madman. I picked it up after a 10+ year hiatus and playing again has improved the overall quality of my life.

recently, especially after MCA died, I have been working on my mental game, trying to stay focused and in the moment.

what I find myself doing is using beastie boys lyrics to help me focus, and during an intense match I might tell myself stuff like "You gotta Fight!" or "Don't Stop!" in the exact way you would hear it on an album. I can apply over a dozen lyrics at any given moment.

in one of my last matches I was struggling and I used a line from So Whatcha Want- "In my head I just wanna take 'em down, imagination set LOOSE so I'm gonna' shake 'em down..."

this is all in my head of course. and I won the match.

often times I hear MCA saying "praying mantis on the court and I can't be beat..." or "on the court I go by the name praying mantis...

... got the edge and I've got the advantage"

it's been helping me out tremendously.

this last weekend I was losing and I noticed a flying bug all over the court. normally I would try swatting it away in the middle of the action, but this thing wasn't a moth or a fly or anything-

it was a huge praying mantis with these giant ass wings.

it landed on my side of the court in the middle of my struggles and just sat there. I stopped what I was doing, walked over to it, picked it up by its legs and placed it safely through the fence into the adjoining garden.

and then I proceeded to thoroughly thrash my opponent for the comeback win...

thanks Adam!

Wow! Nice of him to come by with a sign!
When my best friend's son Robin died at 16 after the funeral when I was leaving the churchyard I saw a robin up in a tree by the gate. It was looking at me and then there came another robin and they flew away together. Then I knew he was alright!

[WhoMoi?]

Thanks YoungRemy, Jo, Kid Presentable, and b-grrrlie for sharing. (y)
It's uplifting to hear how Yauch's life and passing has inspired and changed people.

[Tam_Tam]

I've found myself with a kind of WWYD mentality lately. Whenever I find myself reacting to situations in ways that I probably shouldn't, I think to myself If Adam had another day, what would he do with it? If he had another day where he got to be healthy, vibrant Adam. What would he do with it?

He probably wouldn't walk around moping or spend any of that time being overly sensitive because someone did smile big enough at him or didn't laugh hard enough at his joke.

That usually turns that attitude around and it generally ends up being a pretty good day.

[MCA4ever]

Ever since remmys post last week I have been reading this thread daily. Reading about all of your feelings and emotions and just, I guess just taking it all in. I've never considered myself a tough person but I just haven't really had a reaction to any of it. Ever since May 4th every time I get in my car, I go to artist on my iPod and blast all my beastie tunes but yesterday on the way to the grocery store I switched on the radio. I have never been a pink Floyd fan, quite the opposite. For some reason "Wish You Were Here" came on and I lost it. Listening to the words I started thinking about Adam and I just lost it. I cried all the way there. Uncontrollably at times. I was a mess and had to come back home. I feel better now, still sad, but a little better. I guess it was in me and I did not even realize it. I was starting to worry about myself and started to think I was not worthy of being here, not understanding why I was not having the same reactions as the rest of you. I just woke up and I feel pretty good today because I know that I do belong here.

[JoLovesMCA]

Ever since remmys post last week I have been reading this thread daily. Reading about all of your feelings and emotions and just, I guess just taking it all in. I've never considered myself a tough person but I just haven't really had a reaction to any of it. Ever since May 4th every time I get in my car, I go to artist on my iPod and blast all my beastie tunes but yesterday on the way to the grocery store I switched on the radio. I have never been a pink Floyd fan, quite the opposite. For some reason "Wish You Were Here" came on and I lost it. Listening to the words I started thinking about Adam and I just lost it. I cried all the way there. Uncontrollably at times. I was a mess and had to come back home. I feel better now, still sad, but a little better. I guess it was in me and I did not even realize it. I was starting to worry about myself and started to think I was not worthy of being here, not understanding why I was not having the same reactions as the rest of you. I just woke up and I feel pretty good today because I know that I do belong here.

Seriously? How interesting is this. Last weekend when I went to the Beach my aunt Lynn, who happens to be a massive Pink Floyd fan.... said "hey I want you to hear this song." It was Wish You Were Here! She was telling me about the song and what it meant to her. I loved it but didn't think of Adam. Now I am gonna have to take a second listen.

[WhoMoi?]

Ever since remmys post last week I have been reading this thread daily. Reading about all of your feelings and emotions and just, I guess just taking it all in. I've never considered myself a tough person but I just haven't really had a reaction to any of it. Ever since May 4th every time I get in my car, I go to artist on my iPod and blast all my beastie tunes but yesterday on the way to the grocery store I switched on the radio. I have never been a pink Floyd fan, quite the opposite. For some reason "Wish You Were Here" came on and I lost it. Listening to the words I started thinking about Adam and I just lost it. I cried all the way there. Uncontrollably at times. I was a mess and had to come back home. I feel better now, still sad, but a little better. I guess it was in me and I did not even realize it. I was starting to worry about myself and started to think I was not worthy of being here, not understanding why I was not having the same reactions as the rest of you. I just woke up and I feel pretty good today because I know that I do belong here.

Of course you "belong." :)

We all have different reactions to painful stuff like this. When I first heard the news that Friday afternoon, I had just come home from a crazy day at work and was flying around the house trying to get ready for a really busy evening and weekend. My husband broke it to me as I was rushing around, and I stopped for a minute and was just flabbergasted. I was immediately devastated, but knew we had somewhere to be and I couldn't focus on it right then, so it didn't totally sink in at that moment. I felt really bad, because we were going to a Mike Doughty show that night (former lead singer of Soul Coughing; my husband's a big fan of his and I'd bought him tickets as a surprise), and my husband was psyched for the show - but I was just a total bummer all evening. I still feel bad that I was such shitty company that night. :( At the show, during a time when audience members could shout out requests, a guy asked Mike Doughty how he felt about MCA's death, and Mike said, "Oh, so sad, man. Really sad." And then the guy asked what his favorite Beastie Boys line was, and Mike said, "My favorite line from a Beastie Boys song is actually a Mike D line. It's, 'Suckers write me checks, and then they bounce, so I reach into my pocket for the fresh amount.'" And people cheered, etc. I was happy that Beastie Boys came up during the show, even for just that brief moment, as I had felt kind of lonely and confused about the whole thing since I'd heard.

Anyway...the next morning I had a couple hours of free time before the rest of the weekend's hecticness started, and I was just lurking here on the BBMB, watching tribute videos that people had posted links to, etc. I felt really sad as it began to really sink in...but it wasn't until I watched Chris Martin/Coldplay's tribute that I totally lost it. I don't even like Coldplay all that much. But at the very end, when Chris sang, "Sending all our love to the Beastie Boys..." I lost it. No dignified, tear down the cheek, Demi-Moore-in-Ghost type of crying; I was blubbering like a kid...snot and all. :p

That's why your post, MCA4ever, reminded me of my own experience dealing with it. I still feel happy every time I listen to a BBoys song, any time I watch a video of them - that's why I've always loved them, and that hasn't changed. But it's when I step outside of their actual songs and videos and have a "meta" moment of looking at the reality of it - through someone else's sad tribute to them, or my own thoughts of "damn, I'm never going to see them perform live again," or even just a sad song by someone else that kind of reminds me of loss - that it really gets me.

Btw..."Wish You Were Here" is a killer. I'm a longtime PF fan, but their music - although I love it - can be a real downer. (I remember falling asleep while "The Wall" was playing once and I had all kinds of effed up nightmares.) :(

[MCA4ever]

@jolovesmca

That is interesting! Something similar happened to me, the day Remmy wrote his post about the praying mantis, I had opened my front door and there was a praying mantis just sitting in a flower pot I have. I think I have actually seen maybe 3 in my life.

I am so sorry about your aunt and hope the best for your uncle.

@whomoi?

I think you are spot on about the beasties being "happy" music and thats what has helped hold back the flood of tears. That's ALL I had been listening to. While I was listening to Wish You Were Here I just kept seeing Adams mischievous boyish smile and thinking how fucking unfair it is that he is gone. His poor wife and baby girl. Adam. Mike. And all of you.

Thanks for saying I belong :)

[Tam_Tam]

Something I want to share.

So, this past week there was a fire in my apartment building with cops kicking in doors and the whole nine. My apartment is ok, thank goodness. Then I found out that someone I know has thyroid cancer. Then my roommate tells me she needs me to move out so she can move her boyfriend in. All of this since Thursday night.

So, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to come up with first and last months rent and deposit by the middle of the month. Needless to say, I've been a little stressed. Today I decided this is the perfect opportunity to put this WWYD mindset to the test.

I went to go see this apartment. It's perfect. Fully furnished, decent rent and most importantly, month to month lease. I can't sign a full year b/c I'm moving to NY in the spring. I'm filling out the application while sitting outside on the porch and someone screams "Look...a praying mantis".

I immediately thought about Remy's post and MCA4ever's follow up. I even took a pic of it on my Blackberry but can't figure out how to post it.

I know that people believe differently, but you can't tell me that there is not some part of his spirit still here. I'm not hearing it. Anyways, thanks for stopping by Adam when I needed it most.

[WhoMoi?]

Something I want to share.

So, this past week there was a fire in my apartment building with cops kicking in doors and the whole nine. My apartment is ok, thank goodness. Then I found out that someone I know has thyroid cancer. Then my roommate tells me she needs me to move out so she can move her boyfriend in. All of this since Thursday night.

So, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to come up with first and last months rent and deposit by the middle of the month. Needless to say, I've been a little stressed. Today I decided this is the perfect opportunity to put this WWYD mindset to the test.

I went to go see this apartment. It's perfect. Fully furnished, decent rent and most importantly, month to month lease. I can't sign a full year b/c I'm moving to NY in the spring. I'm filling out the application while sitting outside on the porch and someone screams "Look...a praying mantis".

I immediately thought about Remy's post and MCA4ever's follow up. I even took a pic of it on my Blackberry but can't figure out how to post it.

I know that people believe differently, but you can't tell me that there is not some part of his spirit still here. I'm not hearing it. Anyways, thanks for stopping by Adam when I needed it most.

(y):)
Nice. Thanks for sharing, TamTam.

[MCA4ever]

@tam tam
I'm so sorry that you have been hit with all of this at once. I believe Adam would have done exactly as you have. Take a breath and just tackle each obstacle. I'm sure that praying mantis sighting was letting you know it's all going to work out (y)

[JoLovesMCA]

Paticularly down today. I sometimes imagine Yauch is still out there working on his health. Denial much? It comes and goes. :/ I guess one pet peeve I have now is that if I want to just look up something on the Beastie Boys I first have to go through tons of tacky tribute videos and photos. All the news seems to be about is Adam’s death and I just wish for once I could search something and avoid that shit. Don’t mind me, tough day and I am just venting!

On the positive side I guess I said that because it does still feel like he's around but maybe that's because we got so use to him not being around.