I don't want to be a girlfriend anymore

[Dorothy Wood]

Or a wife for that matter. Yes I'm drunk and also hardly anybody that does comedy is funny. And my neighborhood has been overtakenby hipsters and yuppies and I fucking hate it. And I bought cigarettes and fuck everyone.

I'll probably feel better when I'm sober. Thanks for listening.

[Bob]

you're welcome!

[Dorothy Wood]

Thanks bob. Here's what I've learned tonight: if you're a woman comedienne, talk about how youre fat and your dad and hahaha vaginas.

Also apparently you have to go inside to be honest instead of your backyard.

Also why is it illegal to stab strangers in the neck? And fuck me I have to go inside and work this out.

[TurdBerglar]

I don't know, but louie ck is pretty funny and he hates hipsters and he hates girlfriends and his ex wife. you should probably meet him.

[Dorothy Wood]

Louie rules, but I wouldn't fuck him. Unless the price was right.

[Dorothy Wood]

Ha, I've been sitting in my backyard for an hour, I love global warming

[TurdBerglar]

Louie rules, but I wouldn't fuck him. Unless the price was right.

and that price is?

[Dorothy Wood]

I dunno, 30 grand?

[Dorothy Wood]

And some fucking respect.

I gotta go and pretend I've been alone with my thoughts and not on the bbmb now. Thanks for the diversion dudes.

[Lex Diamonds]

Thanks for the car crash entertainment! (y)

[checkyourprez]

#hangdong

[Dorothy Wood]

Hmm, so this is what happens after I get stood up by my boyfriend and have to sit through a terrible open mic by myself. He was like "well you should've told me you really wanted me there", and I was like "you selfish fucker!" We fought and he got real sad. Then finally admitted he knew I wanted him to come, but he wanted to go to his coworker's party, so he did. What a shit bag!

Anyway, we worked it out. Still annoyed though, but a relationship is a work in progress right? blah blah blah

And for the record, fat dad vagina jokes can be funny...just not when hacks tell them.

[Bob]

my dad's vagina is sooooo fat


if he felt sad about you feeling bad about standing you up though, that means he likes you at least. it's probably fine

[afronaut]

Jeez sarky, it seems like all of your life's problems can be solved by dick punches.

[Micodin]

Is there a Cliff Notes to what's going on in here?

[Dorothy Wood]

my dad's vagina is sooooo fat


if he felt sad about you feeling bad about standing you up though, that means he likes you at least. it's probably fine


How fat is it?!


Yeah, he likes me, I'm not worried about that. I was more worried about whether or not I like him. Things need to improve for sure, but luckily I get real wasted a couple times a year and start a massive fight that airs everything out. We were both pretty used to being single for a long time, so we have trouble working as a team sometimes. Men are from Mars women are from Venus! Amiright?! LOLOL

[cosmo105]

To be fair, asking someone to sit through an open mic vs. going to a party is a tough one :\ open mics suuuuuuucccckk. especially when you're not the one there to do comedy. However, he totally should have been honest and talked to you about it first.

If you guys have recurring issues that don't seem to get solved, would you consider couples counseling? On the real, my guy and I had it before we got married to make sure that we were both on the same page and get past whatever old issues were still lurking below the surface. We only went twice and I felt 100% refreshed and confident about us after just the first session (and I know he did too). I can't recommend it highly enough. Those old issues literally never come up now because we got through it and moved past it. If you guys are committed to the relationship working out in the long term, it might be worth it to give counseling a try. Better to have a professional who's not involved help you pick at what's really at the core of the problem than to air out the problems when you're all emotional and unable to address them rationally.

[DandyFop]

if you're a woman comedienne, talk about how youre fat and your dad and hahaha vaginas.



what about male comediennes?

Yeah, I would try not to subject people you know to open mics because then they will think ALL comedy is like that (like you did) and never want to come to the actual good shows you want to bring them to. I get wanting them there for the beginning jitters though. Dudes are dumb. They need to be told what you want.

Good luck!!

[checkyourprez]

what about male comediennes?

Yeah, I would try not to subject people you know to open mics because then they will think ALL comedy is like that (like you did) and never want to come to the actual good shows you want to bring them to. I get wanting them there for the beginning jitters though. Dudes are dumb. They need to be told what you want.

Good luck!!

men talk about funny stuff cause they're funny.


its hard for woman to be funny, because they aren't really funny. you know what im saying?

[Dorothy Wood]

To be fair, asking someone to sit through an open mic vs. going to a party is a tough one :\ open mics suuuuuuucccckk. especially when you're not the one there to do comedy. However, he totally should have been honest and talked to you about it first.

If you guys have recurring issues that don't seem to get solved, would you consider couples counseling? On the real, my guy and I had it before we got married to make sure that we were both on the same page and get past whatever old issues were still lurking below the surface. We only went twice and I felt 100% refreshed and confident about us after just the first session (and I know he did too). I can't recommend it highly enough. Those old issues literally never come up now because we got through it and moved past it. If you guys are committed to the relationship working out in the long term, it might be worth it to give counseling a try. Better to have a professional who's not involved help you pick at what's really at the core of the problem than to air out the problems when you're all emotional and unable to address them rationally.

It would probably be good to do counseling, we're pretty good at working stuff out for now though. He's never going to be/do exactly what I want, and I will never be/do exactly what he wants because we have different personalities. But we do love each other and there is a natural quality to our closeness that I've never had with anyone else. I just think he's kind of selfish and particular and that he takes advantage of my easy-going nature...which sometimes leads to us doing only what he wants to do, when he wants to do it. But he is very kind and wants to be better at being a partner, and we've made a lot of progress. And he tamps down my hot temper, and isn't scared of my crazy times. Our differences are irritating but I think we ultimately strengthen each other.

what about male comediennes?

Yeah, I would try not to subject people you know to open mics because then they will think ALL comedy is like that (like you did) and never want to come to the actual good shows you want to bring them to. I get wanting them there for the beginning jitters though. Dudes are dumb. They need to be told what you want.

Good luck!!

Ha, I thought you might notice that comment. I was just tired of chubby girls getting up on stage and talking about how much their bodies suck. And one chick was all "oh wah my dad sucks, aren't I deep?". I was also annoyed that one was getting so many laughs because I thought she blew, and illogical things make me angry.

And as for the open mic thing, I guess I was oversimplifying for privacy's sake, but though there were shitty stand up acts, it was actually a "theatrical" open mic at this underground (illegal) theater where me and other writers were testing sketches. I mean, I had acquaintances there, but I'm socially awkward so I wanted a buddy. And he didn't show up or tell me he wasn't going to show up, so I just sat there checking my phone every five minutes while drinking heavily. I think I was so mad because he's not dumb, he knew I wanted him there, he just took a gamble...and did not expect me to get wasted and release the beast.

Also, Cosmo and Dandy thanks for your replies...I don't think you guys meant to be condescending, and I don't mean to be haughty, but me and the dude are familiar with the comedy world. We've been producing a show for a few years. Actually on fb, you both have several comedian friends in common with my boyfriend, plus you're fb friends with other people we've booked on our variety show. Small world. When I move out to LA to write for Two and a Half Men, we should do lunch. ;)

[Dorothy Wood]

men talk about funny stuff cause they're funny.


its hard for woman to be funny, because they aren't really funny. you know what im saying?


I don't know what you're saying, a lot of women are funny. Plenty of men are not funny. Actually, I complained about the women I saw because they stood out for their sameness. The men were just plain bad, worse probably. I wanted to tell one guy that talking about how you need to get a key to use the bathroom at dunkin donuts because you have to pee really bad isn't a joke, so just stop it.

[Bob]

i think cyp was just trying to be funny. you probably just didn't catch on because you're a woman

(see? all men are funny)

[Dorothy Wood]

i think cyp was just trying to be funny. you probably just didn't catch on because you're a woman

(see? all men are funny)


I dunno, I'm pretty sure cyp is a hardcore misogynist.

[Bob]

misogyny is funny! did you learn nothing from that open mic?

if it weren't then surely there wouldn't have been so many misogynist jokes going on at it (i wasn't there but i feel 200% confident in believing that there were loads). there's literally no other explanation that i can think of as a male comedienne

[Dorothy Wood]

I think the women were being more misogynistic than the men.

[Dorothy Wood]

Quick bob, make this exchange funnier!

[Bob]

my dad's vagina is soooo sexist

[Dorothy Wood]

Your dad's vagina is so sexist, it won't even go to a female gynecologist!

[Documad]

I wish I could see you all at the same open mic.

[checkyourprez]

i think cyp was just trying to be funny. you probably just didn't catch on because you're a woman

(see? all men are funny)

I dunno, I'm pretty sure cyp is a hardcore misogynist.


a little come column A, a little from column B.


Your dad's vagina is so sexist, it won't even go to a female gynecologist!


you got a "ha" out of me, bravo.

[Dorothy Wood]

It would be pretty funny, I think there is a pretty high level of humor on this board. The whole board is like a fantasy open mic. I don't know if "fantasy" is the best term, but you know what I mean?


I kind of black out when I perform onstage, I don't really enjoy it that much at all. I quit because my anxiety really got the best of me whenever the odd stranger approached me after a set because they recognized me and said "good job" or whatever, I just got really nervous. It was only cool when it happened in front of my mom and step dad. Moms love that shit.

I like writing things out for other people to do, because I can make it however I want and let more confident people than me perform the material. And, you get to make people kiss and wag their butts around, it's fucking awesome. I am always working on my stand up act though, when I'm riding my bike. I figure if I can practice it and know it without writing anything down, I should be able to have a full 3 minutes or so in about a year or two.

[DandyFop]

Also, Cosmo and Dandy thanks for your replies...I don't think you guys meant to be condescending, and I don't mean to be haughty, but me and the dude are familiar with the comedy world. We've been producing a show for a few years. Actually on fb, you both have several comedian friends in common with my boyfriend, plus you're fb friends with other people we've booked on our variety show. Small world. When I move out to LA to write for Two and a Half Men, we should do lunch. ;)

that's cool, I didn't know how much you'd been around it. Comedy is THE SMALLEST WORLD. I just find open mics to be an almost different world entirely and not one for the faint of heart.

I have no comment about the chick stuff. I think any subject material can be funny, no matter how many times it's been talked about, as long as it's a smart/fresh take. A lot of my stuff is about body image as well, I don't think you can blame people, they write about what's on their minds.

[Dorothy Wood]

You're right I guess it's nice that people are out trying to be creative. I'm just used to scruntinizing and judging the quality of comedy things because I'm studying and trying to get good at writing. I know there's humor in body image stuff, I just hate it when that's the bulk of the act. I guess I just think there's more to talk about. But that's just me, confessional style just isn't my taste.


I sound like an asshole* right now. I better go to bed.


*because I don't really know what I'm talking about.

I just don't like it when women are so self-deprecating all the time. It's depressing.

[Bob]

The whole board is like a fantasy open mic. I don't know if "fantasy" is the best term, but you know what I mean? .

i know exactly what you mean. my dad's vagina is soooo orcish

[MC Moot]

Shucks,I really hope that D.W is interested in being a girlfriend again in time for me to ask her to the Hobbit premier…my costume is almost ready...

[Randetica]

i actually like men humor more in general

[afronaut]

Comedienne: "I am like sooooo fat"

Audience: "How fat are you?"

Comedienne: "I'm so fat I stopped getting a period!"

Female comedy in a nutshell?

I'm jk, I'm jk! I think women are hilarious. 'Specially fat ones!

[Helvete]

I think all women are actually crazy.

[abbott]

Hey dorthy. Give up the cigerats and smoke weed.

[Dorothy Wood]

Yes, women are crazy because men are idiots.

But sometimes men are crazy and the women are the idiots.

#genderequality



Don't worry Abbott, I haven't smoked anymore since that night. Cigarettes are gross, I was just acting like a maniac. My tolerance ain't what it used to be.

[Lex Diamonds]

Yes, women are crazy.

But sometimes women are the idiots.
FTFY

Silly woman getting it wrong! :)

[Dorothy Wood]

FTFY

Silly woman getting it wrong! :)


PADSTER! YOU SO CRAZY!

[nodanaonlyzuul]

It's really good that you two talked it out.

However, I do raise my eyebrow at him admitting that he knew you wanted him to go and he still didn't.

It's totally fair to expect that if you really want him to go, you should be completely clear about that. So if you didn't tell him "straight up" then he thought it wasn't a big deal not to go, that would be one thing. But the fact that he said he knew AND didn't even text you to just let you know that he is going to the party really grates me. This is all my personal opinion so feel free to ignore it, but I find that incredibly disrespectful.

We all would love it if we could just do what we want to do when we want to do it. But when you care about someone, and you're in a relationship with them, you compromise. You do some of you want to do and he does some of what he wants to do. Some of those things cross over. Some of those things don't. Sometimes the other will participate in the things that don't cross over, even if they don't really enjoy it, because they are there to support someone they care about.

Other times you both agree to do your own thing, and that's okay too. But you fucking talk about it first. It's a matter of respect for someone you care about.

So I am kinda glad that you went HULK SMASH on him.

Anyhow, again, glad y'all worked it out though. That's good. (y)

[Echewta]

Hey, how about that kitchen? Am I right??

[hpdrifter]

TBH I didn't read any of this thread except the first post but standing you up is not cool under any circumstances.

Also, the board is always good for a laugh, better than open mics or comedy central or whatever.

Miss you guys. Too much work and life stuff to be here on the regular, but checking in always makes me smile.