I am a hot mess

[hpdrifter]

Speaking of being a hot mess...

I have a new flame.

It is the guy from the previous thread who asked me out too much. He settled down and turned out to be a super nice, cool guy.

He is pretty clean cut. Doesn't drink (!!!), doesn't swear, doesn't even drink coffee for crying out loud. His only vices are coke zero and hockey.

He's consistent, sweet, romantic. Calls when he says he will, shows up on time, doesn't cancel, tells me I look nice and that I'm beautiful.

There's only one problem. I really like him.

Strictly speaking I wasn't super ready for this, I thought I'd be a swinging single for at least a year. Not that I'm saying let's be girlfriendboyfriend right now but I think about him a lot and I kinda want to see him a lot. And he wants the same so keeping the brakes on has been super hard. I will fight the good fight as long as I can but I think it is a losing battle.

Thoughts?

[Guy Incognito]

thoughts? Dont think about it too much and just enjoy it for now

[hpdrifter]

Argh! But that is not my strong suit! I keep wondering is this the right time? I am not ready to commit to one person again.

I was his first date after an 18-year marriage! He doesn't seem to think this is a problem or have any desire to play the field for awhile but I think it's kind of important for him to do so.

He said he's willing to take whatever I'm willing to give at this point and can wait however long it takes until I'm ready for more. I'm not sure what he means by more.

I feel bad, I feel like I'm jerking him around but I'm not sure how that happened since I've been up front about everything every step of the way.

[camo]

Doesn't drink (!!!), doesn't swear, doesn't even drink coffee for crying out loud.


Sheldon.

[Kid Presentable]

Fuck it, life is short.

[Bob]

i've never been married, and i've never ended a relationship that was so serious that its ending made me want to wait to ever start a serious relationship ever again. i'm also a little drunk

having said that

i don't know that i quite understand your situation.

you like him. he likes you. when you're with each other, you don't want to be with other people. but that last fact feels wrong to you, because since you're both recently out of serious relationships, you're supposed to want to "play the field" right now, and the fact that you don't want to do that troubles you, so keeping your distance from him feels like "fighting the good fight"

again, keeping in mind the fact that i've never been as hurt as either of you have been and that i don't really have a frame of reference, does the risk of going for it, and having it blow up on you outweigh the risk of not going for it because you know that you're not "supposed to" want to go for it and missing out on a genuine connection as a result?

that last sentence was a long one but to me the basic conflict you're facing is this:

how much of your fear is based on your for real feelings, and how much is based on what you think you're supposed to be feeling? and how particularly bad could it go if you just break the rules and give it a shot and follow what your heart seems to be saying?

i saw the part where you said you were his first date after an 18-year marriage and yeah that's weird and i empathize with your trepidation as much as i'm capable of but...if you like him regardless, how bad could it end up if you go for it?

on the other hand, if you ditch him because of a general societal sense of "that's weird", what could you be missing out on?

[Kid Presentable]

The best lesson to have learned is that it's not the end of the world if things don't work out. Makes it that much easier to try again.

[Guy Incognito]

I have been with the missus for 13 years, if it ended i wouldnt feel like i had to play the field, if someone else came along that i liked i would just be glad that happened and thank my lucky stars that i hadnt got all depressed, lonely etc

I dont think that being in a long term then means you cant be in another one straightaway

[ms.peachy]

Some people are not 'field players' I reckon. If heaven forbid something happened between me & mr.p, I cant' see that he would be all into dating loads of women. He's never liked dating in the first place. I'd think he'd be super happy to find someone really nice and just get on with having a low-drama, happy life. (Me on the other hand, I'd probably tramp it up for a while. But you know, leopard, spots, and all that sort of thing.)

I think if you really like him and all is going well, then, you know, go with that. Don't read too much into it and don't make something an issue that just isn't an issue, you know?

[Dorothy Wood]

All these people have been saying sensible things that I agree with.

Also I think with stuff like this, just go with your good feelings, tell your negativity and logic to fuck off.

3 years ago my friend was dating someone and wasn't completely happy. He met another woman and fell in love instantly while hanging out platonically. He almost immediately broke up with the other girl and pursued the new one. There was a lot of drama and it sucked for the girl who got dumped, but everyone, including the dumped girl has a better more fulfilling life now because my friend listened to his feelings. And those two crazy kids are getting married in the summer and it's gonna be great.

[Guy Incognito]

i dont know hpd's or the blokes history but is playing the field something that either of you have done before? Do you feel the need to do that or does he? now that you are dating again do you feel like you have to be free for a bit before you commit. i think you just have to deal with whats in front of you and if its something you like then stick with it until there comes a time you arent happy.

[hpdrifter]

now that you are dating again do you feel like you have to be free for a bit before you commit.

It's this. I've spent the last 7 years bending my life around someone else and his issues. I want everything to be my way right now, my terms. I've only been divorced for like three weeks.

I don't really want to feel this way about someone right now. I certainly didn't expect to.

Flerg.

[Guy Incognito]

but thats exactly it, it was SOMEONE ELSE. If you are enjoying this guy's company then just roll with it. Past experience is really nothing to go by, its not necessarlily going to end up like your previous. Are there similarities or are you attracted to him by the fact he's totally different to your ex?

I dont think a relationship is something you can schedule. If you want to see other people then thats cool but is that at the expense of stopping something you are enjoying?

I still think you can carry on with this on your terms. It just sounds like you are putting obstacles in the way. I havent been divorced but i can imagine its a big thing to get over but however recent, its still in the past and i think you have to look forward and not draw any references to the past, its a new start isnt it?

I'm sorry if any of this sounds harsh, I dont mean to , I dont normally get involved in threads like this as i always fear i am going to upset someone. The thread title got me intrigued, what can i say!

[Bob]

It's this. I've spent the last 7 years bending my life around someone else and his issues. I want everything to be my way right now, my terms. I've only been divorced for like three weeks.

I don't really want to feel this way about someone right now. I certainly didn't expect to.

Flerg.

that's fair enough. it sounds kind of like, if you just got over a nasty bout of food poisoning, and then out of the blue someone invites you to a great restaurant that you've been meaning to go to forever, and you're just kind of like "you're giving me this opportunity now?"

[Guy Incognito]

good analogy but (if i can mix up analogies) there is nothing to say that lightning would strike twice, thats all i am saying.

[Bob]

well i'm not saying that the problem is that going to the restaurant will give you food poisoning, it's that you just shat your guts out for the last 7 years and you're not quite ready to enjoy good food again--you'd planned to hang out on the couch eating toast and applesauce for a few days, but now someone drops this opportunity on you at the worst time, and you're not in the mood to take it, not really, but if you don't it may not come up again anytime soon

metaphorically speaking

[Helvete]

Rules are stupid, you could meet the right person at ANY time. During another relationship, immediately after one or well, never, but you' won't know that.

If it's right, it's right.

[Randetica]

People Who Talk In Metaphors Are Oughta Shampoo My Crotch.

[miss soul fire]

You should just enjoy it because if you found a great gay, you are very lucky. Being single is nice too, but it's so nice to like somebody and be loved back, to go out with the guy,to have someone to call you everyday just to ask how are you...it's good.

I'm not lucky when it comes to that. I was single for almost 3 years when I found a guy that I actually thought it was okay, but nearly 2 months later, I realized he was not the right guy for me and ended the relationship. I'm kinda sad, but what can I do?! It was the right thing to do.

I miss having someone to call me every night.

I hate to have to start things all over. I'm tired of meeting guys and at the end either I don't like the guy or he doesn't like me. I mean, they just want to do the dirty things with me (which I don't), but most of them never want anything serious with me. So, in my nearly 35 years of age, I may just end up alone, so grab this opportunity!!!

[hpdrifter]

you'd planned to hang out on the couch eating toast and applesauce for a few days, but now someone drops this opportunity on you at the worst time, and you're not in the mood to take it, not really, but if you don't it may not come up again anytime soon

metaphorically speaking

Bob gets it.

So it's a dilemma, but a not altogether unpleasant one. He's not putting any pressure on me so that's nice. He lets it be known that he's in if I want to be but not asking if I am or when I will be.

Either way, can I get a high five for choosing someone different this time?
I'm not going down the road of chasing after someone who doesn't want me, letting them treat me like crap, giving so much more than I'm getting. That's huge, right? I'm proud of myself.

[Randetica]

(y)

[Guy Incognito]

Bob gets it.

So it's a dilemma, but a not altogether unpleasant one. He's not putting any pressure on me so that's nice. He lets it be known that he's in if I want to be but not asking if I am or when I will be.

Either way, can I get a high five for choosing someone different this time?
I'm not going down the road of chasing after someone who doesn't want me, letting them treat me like crap, giving so much more than I'm getting. That's huge, right? I'm proud of myself.

I understand why you think like that, and to be fair he sounds like he's got his head screwed on so fair do's. I wasnt try to kick off, maybe i misunderstood a bit, it just sounded at one point like you were going to stop this (or think about stopping) because you thought you had to. Maybe putting pressure on yourself but it seems like there is minimal pressure from him. I'm rambling now. Hope it all goes well.

[Bob]

Bob gets it.

So it's a dilemma, but a not altogether unpleasant one. He's not putting any pressure on me so that's nice. He lets it be known that he's in if I want to be but not asking if I am or when I will be.

Either way, can I get a high five for choosing someone different this time?
I'm not going down the road of chasing after someone who doesn't want me, letting them treat me like crap, giving so much more than I'm getting. That's huge, right? I'm proud of myself.

i'm at my most astute when comparing things to diarrhea

hey, talk about a hot mess

[ms.peachy]

Either way, can I get a high five for choosing someone different this time?
I'm not going down the road of chasing after someone who doesn't want me, letting them treat me like crap, giving so much more than I'm getting. That's huge, right? I'm proud of myself.

Totally. Good on ya, girl. Some people never fucking learn that.

[Guy Incognito]

i'm at my most astute when comparing things to diarrhea

hey, talk about a hot mess

:D

[hpdrifter]

i'm at my most astute when comparing things to diarrhea

hey, talk about a hot mess

This deserves a second quote.

[hpdrifter]

I'm starting to get the impression that his assertion that he's willing to wait until I'm ready is waning. He sent me an email that contained a paragraph that made me hyperventilate a little bit. Some very strong words about feelings growing.

Then he called me sweetie in a text message this morning.

:/

I told him how shredded I was after my marriage and gave him Bob's food analogy right down to the toast and applesauce bit. I thought he got it but then this morning...

[hpdrifter]

The best lesson to have learned is that it's not the end of the world if things don't work out. Makes it that much easier to try again.

I get this, really I do. But it isn't me I'm worried about.

I don't want to hurt anybody.

[Helvete]

See, women are evil.

[cosmo105]

go with your gut. he wants more than you can give right now. it's a shame but if it's meant to work out maybe it will down the line when you've had more time to wrap your head around being single and only taking care of YOU.

[Guy Incognito]

I get this, really I do. But it isn't me I'm worried about.

I don't want to hurt anybody.

i just think you have to stick to your guns then and you might have to re-iterate how you feel a few times.

Analogy warning: maybe after he's got out of an 18 year thing and felt like he was drowning and now maybe he's not afraid of stepping in a few big puddles and getting hurt a little bit if he's getting carried away a bit. i dont know

oh, and i only just picked up on this. Toast and applesauce, what just dry toast or with butter?

[hpdrifter]

I already have a few times.

I am trying to decide if he's being passive aggressive or just clueless.

He keeps doing stuff like this that I think, based on conversations we've had, he should know would make me uncomfortable. But when I call it out he acts like he had no idea it would make me uncomfortable and he's really sorry.

[hpdrifter]

One last ditch effort to enforce boundaries and then I'm pulling the plug.

Dammit.

[hpdrifter]

Sheldon.

You're a sheldon.




Wait, what is a sheldon? :confused:

[Guy Incognito]

big bang theory?

[hpdrifter]

I think I fucked up.

I decided last weekend not to see him anymore. I thought it wasn't fair to him since he seemed to want more than I could give him. So I broke it off and it was hard.

Thing is, I'm still super sad about it. Like way more sad than I have any right to be. I think about him every day. He's still my favorite thing to daydream about. I listen to songs, dedicate them to him in my head.

But how is this possible, really? It makes no sense. Right? It isn't healthy for me to jump into something right away, right? Shouldn't I be single for awhile?

What could come of it? We are very different people. He's conservative and clean cut and has very little life experience. He doesn't like tattoos (especially on women) and is passionate about country music. I am liberal leaning, have several tattoos and am passionate in my hate of country music. He lives in the burbs and never comes into the city. I love the city life, the music, the culture. We had the conversation about pasts which, to be fair, didn't seem to phase him.

Feelings already grew super fast, faster than I expected/was comfortable with, what's to say they won't continue to do that? Is that a bad thing?

I was giddy around him. I looked forward to seeing him in a ridiculous way, like counting the minutes ridiculous. When I was with him I wanted to hold his hand and would giggle and smile and hide behind my hair.

Is it just that I am so lonely and miss having that and he's safe? Is it fair since I don't really know what I'm ready for?

Should this time be only about me and my son? We are a unit, a little cocoon.

A peek inside my mind, it's scary in there.

[M|X|Y]

you're in love with being loved.

if that's true and you know it, i wouldn't call the idea all that unusual

if that's true and you know it, maybe the realization will be helpful in navigating these situations

[hpdrifter]

I had that thought. Maybe it's that I like how he makes me feel and not necessarily how I feel about him. The attention he gives me, the sweet way he treats me, the romance of it all.

But I don't think that's it. I've been seeing other people who are equally nice to me, who are sweet and romantic and lovely and I don't feel this way about them.

Can you expand on this statement?

"if that's true and you know it, i wouldn't call the idea all that unusual"

What does that mean?

[M|X|Y]

i meant to say i don't want to come off like i know what you're thinking.

if you agree with me that you might be 'in love with being loved' you're not that strange. it happens