Can you be too independent?

[DandyFop]

Hi BBMB. Hi.

So there's a guy I've started sorta seeing, and he's pretty awesome. I'm trying to take it slow, but he's pretty gung-ho about it all and seems that he wants me as a girlfriend. I'm not sure if I'm 100% into him (a little of this is physical) which is why I am still hanging out and seeing how it goes because it takes a long time to get to know someone, ya know?

The scary part is, he's really sweet and has been saying all the stuff to me that I thought i needed to hear from a guy. Tells me I am beautiful and talented and is interested in everything I have going on. And I have thought for so long that this would be what I want the person I am with to say, but it's weird when he says it because I have been on my own for so long, I have been the one pushing myself and I haven't needed anyone else to do it. (Side note, this is most likely because my parents are HUGELY supportive and since they have been my support system I've been able to be pretty independent on my own).

A few months back I was doing pretty badly and was really caught up on this guy that was moving here from another town. I had convinced myself that we'd be together when he moved and then he came and we didn't. It was for the best, he wouldn't have been a good bf, but after that I just kind of learned to be happy with myself after that. Instead of being sad I am not hanging out with a guy, I go to a comedy show, or watch something or just I don't know, enjoy myself. Also masturbating is way less complicated and a guaranteed orgasm. So it's now set up pretty much that the guy has to be seemingly PERFECT in every way for me to think about a relationship. But this seems so unrealistic.

Also about the independent stuff, this guy is totally into what I have going on as far as my comedy career, and most guys out here have their own head up their asses (kind of like I do).

[Helvete]

Sex with him is not a guaranteed orgasm?! Say bye!

[DandyFop]

I meant in general. We haven't bonered all the way yet.

[Helvete]

Just the tip?

[TurdBerglar]

being the cynical person that I am you should never trust anyone who says all the right things from the very beginning before you even know each other. either that person is lying to manipulate you, unrealistic or desperate. or just so into you that it's unhealthy.

every guy knows what a females WANTS to hear. even the ones that don't say the things that a female wants to hear. he still knows what she wants to hear.

but I think like an asshole so who knows.

[ToucanSpam]

In my opinion, you're overthinking something that is going to be really good for you. It's normal and natural to hold back on something you think is too good to be true, but I think based on the information you have given us, you've found someone really good for you. Just drop the fear and hesitation and let yourself feel everything. Even if it doesn't work out, don't you think you deserve to be happy?

You're wasting your life by being cynical. Not trying to be rude or mean here.

[cosmo105]

I don't think this is about being cynical - I think you're just not feelin' him. Give it time and take it slow to see if that blaze does get going, but if you're not finding yourself into him then it can't be forced just because he's a good guy.

[DandyFop]

In my opinion, you're overthinking something that is going to be really good for you. It's normal and natural to hold back on something you think is too good to be true, but I think based on the information you have given us, you've found someone really good for you. Just drop the fear and hesitation and let yourself feel everything. Even if it doesn't work out, don't you think you deserve to be happy?

You're wasting your life by being cynical. Not trying to be rude or mean here.

Hmm I don't think this is right, because the thing is I am happy right now, without a boyfriend. So it's worth it to me to really figure out if they are right because honestly I don't have time for anything that isn't.

It's more likely that cosmo is right here...I'm gonna keep on going, we'll seeeeeeee.

[cosmo105]

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dS1ZW0FdoIU)

[ms.peachy]

For what it's worth, mr.p and I dated casually for close a year before we got 'serious'. He was ready to, long before I was, but I just didn't really see myself as being "with" him in a serious relationship for a long time. Maybe not for the same reasons as yourself, but the basic situation was quite similar: he was (still is) a super great guy, had all his shit together in one bag, treated me very well, was open and honest and generous, but I just wasn't full-on feelin' it. Ours was never a mad, crazy head-over-heels rush kind of thing; it was more like a pot of water on a low flame that slowly began to simmer and then came to a boil. I can remember talking with friends at the time and being all like "I dunno, I just don't know, he's really great, but I don't know..." and them laughing at me for being such a ditherer.

but, you know, it all worked out pretty well in the end ;)

[DandyFop]

this is very interesting peachy...did you not call him your boyfriend that whole time?

yeah I'm gonna go over there tomorrow and I keep waffling on whether I should just put a stop to it now, because I don't want to string him along. Ahhh I donno.

[ms.peachy]

Well it was 20 years ago now (damn I am so freaking old, how did that happen) so it's a little hard to remember exactly but I guess when I would refer to him with other people it would be 'this guy I'm seeing' or "this dude I've bee dating'. For most of that first year I was also dating other people, too. I mean I wasn't out every night of the week with a different guy or anything, just that we weren't exclusive. Or at least I wasn't :o like I said, he was ready to get serious well before I was.

[Bob]

Ours was never a mad, crazy head-over-heels rush kind of thing; it was more like a pot of water on a low flame that slowly began to simmer and then came to a boil.

ah.....so some women do go for that. i knew it!

there's hope for me yet

[Kid Presentable]

Giddy butterfly shit in the opening salvos of romance in no way guarantees you happily ever after, or anything like that. In fact, having been shitted out the other end by marriage, the cautious pragmatic willingness to be somewhat optimistic about love is far more ideal than being lead around by your genitals like some fucking lobotomised mental patient in 'love'. I mean, the one guarantee is that the buzz and excitement will wear off, so good for you for not idealising this person to an extent that they could never match. It's working for me. That said, you gotta let a person in, too. Good luck. You deserve to be happy.

[miss soul fire]

being the cynical person that I am you should never trust anyone who says all the right things from the very beginning before you even know each other. either that person is lying to manipulate you, unrealistic or desperate. or just so into you that it's unhealthy.

every guy knows what a females WANTS to hear. even the ones that don't say the things that a female wants to hear. he still knows what she wants to hear.

but I think like an asshole so who knows.

I concur, but you always have to give a chance. But I would also hold back. So give him a chance and hold back at the same time. That's what I do. I just did that and ended up having a 2-month relationship. He really liked me, but also in my case it was more physicall than what it should actually be, so I broke up with him. But you have to take a risk otherwise you'll never know!

And TurdBerglar, women know guys say stuff like that to get them into bed, but we try to lie to ourselves and think what they are saying is true. That makes women stupid because they know what they are doing.

[Franci]

I don't think this is about being cynical - I think you're just not feelin' him. Give it time and take it slow to see if that blaze does get going, but if you're not finding yourself into him then it can't be forced just because he's a good guy.

(y) ;)

[ms.peachy]

And TurdBerglar, women know guys say stuff like that to get them into bed, but we try to lie to ourselves and think what they are saying is true. That makes women stupid because they know what they are doing.

Does it? I dunno, I just think of that as kind of the female equivalent of, like, guys who go to strip bars or hookers or whatever and pay women to pretend to be interested in them, to tell them that their dick is just soooo amazing, that they are just such faaaaaaabuous lovers, whatever it takes to distract from the fact that it's a purely financial transaction and those women honestly don't give a shit if that guys lives or dies so long as they get their money.

[miss soul fire]

Does it? I dunno, I just think of that as kind of the female equivalent of, like, guys who go to strip bars or hookers or whatever and pay women to pretend to be interested in them, to tell them that their dick is just soooo amazing, that they are just such faaaaaaabuous lovers, whatever it takes to distract from the fact that it's a purely financial transaction and those women honestly don't give a shit if that guys lives or dies so long as they get their money.

Maybe it's different from where i come from. Here it's common knowledge guys compliment girls to get them into bed. Girls know they are lying pr even if they are saying the true that's how they get women into bed. And girls who go to bed with a guy in thw first date are considered real real whores around here and if a guy knows about it he will never date you. When guys want a girl as a girlfriend they like the ones who are extremely hard to get and treat them bad. That's how I got a boyfriend last year. But I didn't do on purpose. Anyway, latin guys are totally different from the other ones. You have no idea how there are beautiful, smart and sucessful women in my country who can't get a boyfriend. Most of them only care if you are the most beautiful and rich girl. Other than that you are out! I hate to say this, but it is true.

[Dorothy Wood]

Maybe it's different from where i come from. Here it's common knowledge guys compliment girls to get them into bed. Girls know they are lying pr even if they are saying the true that's how they get women into bed. And girls who go to bed with a guy in thw first date are considered real real whores around here and if a guy knows about it he will never date you. When guys want a girl as a girlfriend they like the ones who are extremely hard to get and treat them bad. That's how I got a boyfriend last year. But I didn't do on purpose. Anyway, latin guys are totally different from the other ones. You have no idea how there are beautiful, smart and sucessful women in my country who can't get a boyfriend. Most of them only care if you are the most beautiful and rich girl. Other than that you are out! I hate to say this, but it is true.
That sucks.

Dandy, you should give it some time. Especially if you're a bit squeamish about his physique. (I think that's what you were getting at). I've been not-so-attracted to certain men I've ended up dating and/or banging. I think a little revulsion is normal at first because human bodies are gross, but if it's been three make outs and you're still not into it, it's probably time to shut it down.

[DandyFop]

Well, I ended it...I just have very little capacity for a relationship right now unless it's the perfect fit. He was a really sweet guy though and showed me how I should be treated at least. Also I just don't feel like having sex with anyone right now which is a god damned miracle so I'm going to just enjoy not dealing with that for a while.

[TurdBerglar]

Also I just don't feel like having sex with anyone right now which is a god damned miracle so I'm going to just enjoy not dealing with that for a while.

sometimes I wish I could just turn my sex drive off. that would be awesome.

like those days when you're constantly and uncontrollably thinking about pussy for absolutely no reason and you can't focus on anything else.