i think i'm about to get dumped

[Bob]

i've been dating this girl for the past 5 months, and i thought things were going quite well.

but around 1pm today i get an ominous "we need to talk soon" text. i responded to it, but now it's 4:45 and i haven't been able to reach her again

this sucks. i don't particularly want to break up, because i quite like her and thought she quite felt the same, but if it's going to happen i want it to just happen. this "staring at the phone waiting for her to call back" thing is bullshit


so i guess the point of this thread is, if you're dating someone and want to dump them, don't do it the way that this girl's doing it because it sucks

[Waus]

That sucks, man. I hope it turns out to be nothing.

[M|X|Y]

you ARE the father!

[Bob]

yep she dumped me. by text.

"i've been thinking, and i'm not sure i can commit to a relationship. sorry if this seems out of the blue" she says

yes it seems out of the blue

i don't think she's being quite forthright, but do i push her on it? do i want to know? what's the point

doesn't matter, i saw it coming the moment she said she liked me and wanted to be in a relationship. i stopped trusting relationships to go well a while ago, it's nice to be reminded that i was right to do that


update: "i really like you, but as a friend. it took me until now to realize that, for my emotions to catch up with me." she now says

so i've got that to keep an eye out for in relationships from now on. good to know.


maybe i'll give gay a try. do gay guys do this too?

[Bob]

the whole "let's be in a relationship" idea was hers to begin with; to be honest i thought she even started it a little soon, and had mistaken it for some form of affection! i'll keep this lesson in mind as i continue to learn how to read women, whether i want to or not

[Waus]

You gotta quit being such a good friend. Maybe try the DENNIS system.

[Bob]

"i think i just liked you so much as a person that i misinterpreted my feelings."

i was too awesome, that was my problem. i'll try to tone that down and let women focus on my raw sexual energy or whatever the hell it is people do to find love

[M|X|Y]

do not respond to any texts, calls or emails. cut it dry.

the only way to respond to that - - and leave room for moving on.

[Bob]

oh yeah, no, don't worry about that. it's done, i can't go back to that, even if she offered (i don't think she will), i could never trust her again

[M|X|Y]

but i mean, don't even respond to the dumping text.

that kind of shit is only to be met with complete and utter silence.

i don't know you, but i'm guessing you're alright - and that's really shitty of her to not tell you face to face

[Bob]

i will not send...any additional responses to that text

i mean i wasn't desperate or anything. i did my politest "thanks for being honest" response, mixed with a justifiably rude "i just wish you'd figured that out sooner, like before you asked me if you wanted to be in a relationship" response. i'm trying to get a reputation as the easiest man in boston to break up with so it's not like i want to burn any bridges or anything

she lives like a block away so i'm probably gonna see her again eventually. i told her i wouldn't make it weird but i'm totally gonna make it weird lol

[Bob]

but as shit as all this is, you know what thought is really wrecking me right now? i'm gonna have to go on first dates again. and second dates and third dates. that whole "be charming and figure out if she's into you", "should i kiss her, is she giving me the sign?" "are we supposed to be having sex yet? this makeout session is going well, does she want me to take her shirt off or something?", all that guessing game shit, i'm gonna have to start it over again

blugh. i wish comedy would get me laid, that would be a nice two birds one stone thing. it doesn't though. maybe i need to be more attractive

or funnier

[Bob]

seriously though, this fucks me up. not so much the "missing her" part (at this point i have but a distant memory of liking her, even though it's only from hours ago), but the "i only liked you as a friend for that whole five-and-a-half months that we were dating, even though i'm the one that wanted to call it a relationship to begin with" part

i've been dumped out of the blue before. once i even got dumped literally in the middle of a makeout session ("i like you a lot, and i'm worried i'm falling for you, but i'm pretty sure i'm going to berkeley for law school and want to stop before it gets too serious" were her words, though to be fair i do doubt them).

it's safe to say that i have trust issues with women at this point. not from being a shitty person but from my experiences with them so far. but this. this is a new one. i'm not quite sure how to come back and start trusting again, how to relax in a relationship and trust that my partner is actually interested in me, from this.

how would you come back from this? i know that 5 and a half months is a relatively short relationship, but it's a very long time to suddenly retcon it and say "i only liked you as a friend for that whole time, even though i'm the one who suggested we call it a relationship to begin with." what on earth am i supposed to take away from that?

[TurdBerglar]

what the fuck. you think way too much.

[M|X|Y]

yeah, don't make it weird, but yeah make it weird. i know it's not like she's satan or anything. she's got the right to not like you back.

just be dry as a breaking up text message. she's disappointed you... even if as just a friend. friends don't do that. so if you run into her, don't be mad (i know you won't) or try to be too nice - just be completely natural - maybe smile a bit if you feel like it. be as indifferent as you well should be. don't be rude (i know you won't be) and don't try and make her feel better.

if you're worried about your rep, then let it be known that you don't care for people who don't care for you. that you're cool and don't waste your time.

my philiosophy on things like this is gratefulness. its nice when people show you their true lame selves nice and early. now you can forget about her and get to steppin. you're now free to find all the cool chicks out there(y)

[hpdrifter]

I'm sorry bob. This makes me sad. You know, I had a crush on you when I started posting here. I thought you were super clever and funny and I liked you a lot. Then I found out you were a lot younger than me and stuff and I was bummed. You will find someone who values you. Don't shut people out because your feelings are hurt.

[Bob]

I'm sorry bob. This makes me sad. You know, I had a crush on you when I started posting here. I thought you were super clever and funny and I liked you a lot. Then I found out you were a lot younger than me and stuff and I was bummed. You will find someone who values you. Don't shut people out because your feelings are hurt.

haha. fair enough. i feel like a creeper if i'm attracted to younger girls too (i'm 29, and 24's about as low as i can go before i start to feel gross).

as for the shutting people out thing--i don't want to, but i get burned, every damn time. last time i let myself relax was with the last girl i posted a thread about, the one where we made out like crazy on her couch and then she dumped me the next time we went out with some story about an ex boyfriend coming back into her life. ever since then, i keep my guard up. i still get dumped with about the same frequency but it hurts a lot less, i don't wanna go back to feeling bad every time. that was a sad and pathetic time

[Kid Presentable]

At 29 you can comfortably go as low as 19 I reckon. Anyway, she sounds like a retard. Good riddance. Don't be her friend. Get cold. Be a man. If women keep setting the parameters for you, you're going to constantly be victim to their shitty whims. And they have a metric fucktonne of shitty whims.

Not trying to sound like a prick here, but your feelings and interests are just as important as any woman's. It should be clear by now that you need to look out for yourself more, if anything to hasten the process of attrition in filtering out these callow dames. In doing so, you still get to bone them, too. So that's nice.

[Bob]

not gonna lie, i had to google what "callow" meant. i think callow might be my type :(. i think i might be callow :( :(

[Kid Presentable]

Alls I'm saying is it's folly to base your sense of self-worth on others.

[RobMoney$]

(i'm 29, and 24's about as low as i can go before i start to feel gross).

The standard rule is half your age plus seven.
So the youngest you can date being a 29yo is 21.5 for it to be sociably acceptable.

It's a rule.


Also, sorry to hear. It happens to everyone and it sucks.
Bottom line is she just wasn't the right person. I think you're making a mistake in trying to take how this girl treated you and try to apply it to your next relationship. Every girl is different.

Fuck trying to adapt to be what women want you to be. That's the mistake you're making IMO.
Be yourself and eventually the right girl will come along and think you're the coolest dude on the planet.
Good Luck.

[Waus]

Sorry bob.

My mom told me I should quit dating this one girl because she was worried I'd miss out on meeting someone who would just be crazy about me. She was right about that.

[Dorothy Wood]

Hmm. she sounds like a big butthole anyway. you can't just dump a person via text. Also, jumping into relationship status before being sure is shitty too.

Don't think of yourself as failing at relationships either. Sometimes they just don't work out. You can be like why why why all the time, and there really is no reason, two people just weren't on the same page.


I don't envy your position, and I know quite a few single people who are really awesome and I don't understand why they don't have a partner and they don't either. It just hasn't happened. I have a good guy friend who is very handsome and nice and over 35 and he just now found a lady who accepts him for the weirdo he is (he's an introvert, sci fi nerd, kind of melancholy/pensive, but like I said handsome, so women are attracted by the looks but kind of put off by who he really is at heart). He was dumped many many times before, and who knows if this one will stick. I don't know if that helps to know, but it should I guess. or maybe that's more depressing.

Anyway Bob, a whole lot of people think you're a good dude, and we're all rooting for you. Don't let a string of lame chicks bring you down!

[Bob]

Bottom line is she just wasn't the right person. I think you're making a mistake in trying to take how this girl treated you and try to apply it to your next relationship. Every girl is different.

yeah, i know. i know. in my heart of hearts i do know. i have friends who are in great relationships, and i watch them, and they never seem to worry about whether or not their partner actually likes them, and i think that's a great thing, and i hope that i get there some day too, but at the moment i'm just not sure how i can ever relax based on how things have gone so far. my relationship history so far has just been a heightening string of getting dumped out of the blue under increasingly outrageous circumstances, with this last one, this "so um, i meant to tell you earlier, but i just liked you as a friend this whole time, sorry for calling it a relationship 5 months ago, i shouldn't have done that" being the most surprising and outrageous example so far. i never did quite let my guard all the way down, and as it turns out i'm glad i didn't, but i have to say that i didn't see that coming.

it's like, i keep putting my hand on the stove, and getting burned, every single time, and people try to tell me, "you can't let your past experiences with those stoves you touched ruin you, you just need to be willing to put yourself out there and palm that coil again because i swear when you find the right one, it feels great, so just relax and stick your hand out there again and let life happen man"

and on some non-visceral level, i do trust that this will probably work eventually; again, i see my friends having amazing relationships, getting married even, they're having such a fantastic time, it just.....hasn't been my life experience so far

perhaps the next stove will be better

[Adam]

I was 32 until I had a relationship pass 18 months with someone I feel like I could be with forever - every other relationship always felt like it was gonna fail eventually and I thought that is just how it went. I'm 33 now and just over two years into it.

But people do worry about their partner not liking them but might not let it show, relationships aren't easy even when they are the perfect one. It takes work at all levels and at the point where the work doesn't outweigh the benefits I think is when people start to think "should I be breaking up now" then you start to look back and think "shit, five months ago I knew this but somehow blind to it..." which leads to a shitty conversation by SMS or facebook.

But I agree you tend to over think. Easier said than done but just have fun in the moment. Recognise the signs of when thoughts of past are coming and do something to change that, like past Bob would have drank a beer, this bob calls her up out of the blue and says lets do this thing we've never done before.

[ms.peachy]

The standard rule is half your age plus seven.
So the youngest you can date being a 29yo is 21.5 for it to be sociably acceptable.

It's a rule.


I'm 44, so that means I can date Bob!

[abbott]

I wish I knew, but I think a lot of it might be finding a partner who has selfish dicks for parents, that way they are not thinking about their security blanket. Seems every guy I know who has found their women in bed with another man all have wealthy, very caring parents.

[M|X|Y]

I'm 44, so that means I can date Bob!

if you find each other attractive, you sure can!

[Adam]

peachy and bob sitting in a tree...

[cosmo105]

This gal sounds like a real coward. Over text? Come on. Anyway, echoing what others have said here, seriously Bob. Don't give up on love and get all closed-off and cynical, or you run the risk of becoming the kind of guy doesn't answer texts because he doesn't want to seem desperate, doesn't call because he doesn't want to seem interested, doesn't open up because he doesn't want to seem vulnerable. And then you'll only attract the kind of people that ache to change that kind of person, and not someone interested in the same thing. Also, I hated dating that kind of guy.

Respect yourself to not put up with any bullshit, but also don't be a bullshitter, know what I mean? When I realized I lacked confidence and was settling for guys that Weren't All That Into Me (it's actually a really good book shut up guys :o) a switch went on in my brain and overnight I started carrying myself differently in a lot of ways. And then I attracted better people, and it was way easier to brush off the ones that didn't deserve my attention. It's a cliché, I know, but it's true. You've got a lot to offer, Bob. You're cute and hilarious and smart and fun. Don't sweat it, you'll meet someone awesome one day and they'll realize they've met someone awesome too.

[ericlee]

Oh, bobbers, one of my favorite and still existing poster here. I ain't gonna read all you posted but I do feel for you.

I was just kinda dumped, I'm fucking lost in a sense. Hot lady across the street from where I work, I see her and we eventually started talking. She asks me for a beer, I'm like sure.

I tell her I'm free most of the time, we exchange numbers. I text her, she texts me. Now her offer for a beer isn't existent. I told her that I'm getting old and can't beat around the bush anymore, she's hot. She says thanks, she's flattered. Where to go from here? She says she's too old for me, she's 50 and I'm almost 41.

[Lyman Zerga]

relationships aren't easy even when they are the perfect one.

i dont want to sound like OH i got the best relationship ever but i dont get when people say what you said cause mine is easy, no work, no drama, no doubts, none of that... it just flaws naturally


anyway... bob it's her/their big loss
youre young and awesome and dont give up

[zippo]

i think it´ll keep getting easier and easier to handle, like you said, youve gone from suffering alot from it to handling it a bit better, and thats what relationship experiences are about. just dont jump into anything too quickly and only do it when you're really feeling the connection.

and yea, i have a lot of single 30 something friends who havent found their "person"...so? just dont give up, you sound like a great guy :D

[abbott]

I hate to be selfish and talk shit about my brother n law and family earlier.

I hate to talk about my 2 good friends who were the best husband and father I know to come home and have their lives turned upside down.

Anyway, like I side I don't know.

Had I not gotten a dog with my wife while dating we would never had made it. If we did not have kids we would not still be together. And it is true, my wife has little support, so sometimes I'm really needed.

My dad had a few rules for me, one was not to marry a girl with divorced parents. Turns out my wife's divorced parents are part of our relationship success. Also the fact that the step parents are not real nice.

Before kids we were both drunk fuck ups. Once pregnant my wife got her shit together real quick and I've been working on it for 10 years.

Maybe what I am saying is start trying to get a girl pregnant. What I am saying is I hope you find what your looking for.

[checkyourprez]

At 29 you can comfortably go as low as 19 I reckon. Anyway, she sounds like a retard. Good riddance. Don't be her friend. Get cold. Be a man. If women keep setting the parameters for you, you're going to constantly be victim to their shitty whims. And they have a metric fucktonne of shitty whims.

Not trying to sound like a prick here, but your feelings and interests are just as important as any woman's. It should be clear by now that you need to look out for yourself more, if anything to hasten the process of attrition in filtering out these callow dames. In doing so, you still get to bone them, too. So that's nice.

this.

boss up.

[Dorothy Wood]

not gonna lie, i had to google what "callow" meant. i think callow might be my type :(. i think i might be callow :( :(

I decided this is the problem. Also I think it's a bad idea to date younger girls. And you wanna make sure you're also not being superficial. Not to make this about me and my relationship, but letting go of types is what helped me find a good partner. And my partner had to let go of his type to be with me. I always wanted a chubby cool guy who built things, like a liberal Ron Swanson. And he was always dating tiny bisexual sprites who were much younger than him. He's skinny, I'm kinda fat (and was fatter when we started). And we are very different but respect eachother and learn from eachother.

Maybe I don't need to tell you this, maybe you are open to different types (age/looks/style/hobbies). but in case you aren't, try to be.

[M|X|Y]

Don't let older women convince you it's bad to date younger women!

And yeah... ditto the Kid Pres post.

[Dorothy Wood]

Don't let older women convince you it's bad to date younger women!

And yeah... ditto the Kid Pres post.

Wtf? I'm only 34. I'm just saying if he wants to avoid whims, younger women might not be the best option. I'm not saying he can't date 25 year olds. It's just that people younger than that are usually full of whims. So being like "date 19 year olds, bro!" is not very good advice. A more mature person might be more respectful and confident in herself and have the patience to help bob overcome some of his anxiety.

[M|X|Y]

Wtf? I'm only 34. I'm just saying if he wants to avoid whims, younger women might not be the best option. I'm not saying he can't date 25 year olds. It's just that people younger than that are usually full of whims. So being like "date 19 year olds, bro!" is not very good advice. A more mature person might be more respectful and confident in herself and have the patience to help bob overcome some of his anxiety.


wtf wtf! i didn't say old women, i said oldER women!

[Dorothy Wood]

Ugh. I'm not "older", I still get carded! Well I'm older than Bob. I'm recommending dating women between 27-33. Or just anyone nice. I'm sure there are nice 22 year olds, it's just that by nature they are stupid.

[M|X|Y]

You are youthful and beautiful, Dorothy!

Just saying.. I think women 23 and older are fair game. And you're right, sometimes younger people can be dumber since wisdom comes with age but there are advantages to dating younge women for a guy. Primarily, less emphasis on the biological clock (for some) and less of a race to get married - giving you more time to find the right match.

Also, when you're a dude and you're 18-24ish a lot of desirable chicks your age like to date older guys, 25-40ish. So now we're older - boom!

Maybe this was just my experience... but looking back I don't blame them! 20 year old dudes are retarded. Bob's a smart guy. He probably attracts intelligent ladies. Part of the problem may be his own doing, part of it might be the girls' doing, and part of it is that he just hasn't found the right match.

[zippo]

i could be totally wrong, but i´m gonna take a guess and say Bob´s problem could be his confidence, lack of it. Let´s face it, confidence is attractive (exceptions of course, i know) and i don´t know of many women who go for the non confident dudes.

so if this were the case i suggest acting. Act like you´re confident until you start to believe it and it´ll slowly change into something natural. i think that´s the case for a lot of people anyway.

Problem: no confidence
Short term solution: acting
Long term solution: believing it and getting the girl

[Dorothy Wood]

You are youthful and beautiful, Dorothy!

Just saying.. I think women 23 and older are fair game. And you're right, sometimes younger people can be dumber since wisdom comes with age but there are advantages to dating younge women for a guy. Primarily, less emphasis on the biological clock (for some) and less of a race to get married - giving you more time to find the right match.

Also, when you're a dude and you're 18-24ish a lot of desirable chicks your age like to date older guys, 25-40ish. So now we're older - boom!

Maybe this was just my experience... but looking back I don't blame them! 20 year old dudes are retarded. Bob's a smart guy. He probably attracts intelligent ladies. Part of the problem may be his own doing, part of it might be the girls' doing, and part of it is that he just hasn't found the right match.

I wasn't fishing! I guess I just associate "older" with 40+ or even 50+. I figured I was just a plain woman at this age. eh. don't matter, I was just joking around anyway.

anywayyyy. I don't actually think that a lot of women date older men. I haven't known a single woman in my life who has dated anyone more than 3-4 years older (except my mom, but when you're over 50 it doesn't really matter as much) and the couple of people who did date older men when they were young ended up kinda fucked over and damaged by the relationship.

And trends are changing. I guess I challenged the "date 19 year olds" because it isn't helpful to the situation at hand. And it grosses me out that that's the default male response. Because they aren't prey, they're people.
I get that there are conquest-oriented dudes, but it doesn't really seem like Bob is that way. It seems more like he just wants a nice lady to hang around with and touch sometimes.

I just worry that sometimes guys that are more sensitive go for the "manic pixie dream girl", or think they need a soft-spoken meek and mild delicate nerd girl because that's who they can see themselves with in a mental picture. I don't know Bob well enough to even say that I'm on the right track with this or if this is what he is experiencing, but I have witnessed this occur with men I know who have trouble with dating/relationships. And I have known meek and mild girls who were continually manipulated and borderline mentally abused by men who were dating them just because they were waifish, not because they actually liked the human girl behind the look/personality.


ack, I don't know where I'm going with this. and I don't know enough about what really went down to know how to give proper advice. I think we just all want the best for Bob because he's a good dude and we can't believe he isn't drowning in boobs.

[Lyman Zerga]

all 19 year olds are drama bitches, all.

[Kid Presentable]

To be fair, I never really said "date 19 year olds, bro!", and if it comes off like I did it probably reflects the fact that I was speaking extemperaneously and hypothetically. My point was more about getting some confidence, and also about refusing to be friends with this girl. And about getting back to the simple joy of boning. Being swamped in vulva and such.

[Dorothy Wood]

To be fair, I never really said "date 19 year olds, bro!", and if it comes off like I did it probably reflects the fact that I was speaking extemperaneously and hypothetically. My point was more about getting some confidence, and also about refusing to be friends with this girl. And about getting back to the simple joy of boning. Being swamped in vulva and such.

It's fine, I'm not pointing to you specifically, just the general response that was echoed. It's a normal jokey response, I am not upset, just saying I didnt think it was helpful and I found it a bit icky.

[russhie]

I second the whole "look beyond your type" thing.

I met my (now) fiancé through a colleague of mine who set us up on a blind date. Initial impressions weren't great on my end, because he didn't fit my ideal type. Turns out, he's actually great (hence the fiancé bit).
He's quite different to what I thought I wanted in a partner - I guess he roughens up my smooth, which probably doesn't make much sense unless you know both of us.

Best advice is to epitomise the qualities you'd like to attract. My relationship with my ex wasn't based on love, honesty and respect, so I had to learn to respect myself, love only those who are deserving, and most of all be honest about my personal positives/negatives.
While my fiancé and I are quite opposite in most aspects, the important bits we both need in a partner - for me, the love, honesty, respect thing - all line up. The rest is just window dressing.

Also, age is (mostly) just a number. I had plenty of fun with younger guys when I was single, but none were really relationship material/emotionally available. The older guys were less spontaneous (and stupid), not quite so relaxed and most had baggage from past relationships. Turns out I got along best with someone my own age :)

[Adam]

Which top do you think has had more coverage on this board; Beastie Boys or Bob's love life?

[DandyFop]

i have been burned a few times now by guys who only wanted sex, and as a result I've almost completely given up on relationships. And it's kind of awesome! I don't even think about meeting guys when I go out now, I just enjoy myself. I mean, validation from the opposite sex is always going to be important but it's not worth the FUCKING ENDLESS BULLSHIT that dating seems to provide.

I'm like you Bob, many, I mean almost all my good friends are in healthy and good relationships and it's like a fucking unicorn to me at this point. It's hard not to get frustrated with it.

I'm sorry that she dumped you like that, though, that's super cowardly of her. It sounds like you are falling into the 'nice guy' thing...you said you didn't open up to her totally. I think when you meet the right girl you won't be as afraid to open up, and that's when it will be right. For all the guys who only want to bone me, there's another one I've quickly pushed away, but all I can figure is that when it's the right guy, I won't. You have to hope for that I guess. In the meantime just do a lot of comedy and make that your girlfriend - that's what I do and it always makes me happier than some idiot anyway.

[Kid Presentable]

It's fine, I'm not pointing to you specifically, just the general response that was echoed. It's a normal jokey response, I am not upset, just saying I didnt think it was helpful and I found it a bit icky.

Fair enough. :)

[Lex Diamonds]

Ugh. I'm not "older", I still get carded! Well I'm older than Bob.
Ha... Bitches be crazy.

[Echewta]

I text when I'm taking a dump, it that helps any.

[M|X|Y]

Bob always leaves us hanging

[Bob]

Bob always leaves us hanging

?

there's nothing left to tell, really. still dumped. still not interested in seeing or talking to her anymore