[M|X|Y]

Friday was surreal... things really hit me the day after he passed. I woke up the next morning with a lump in my throat that stayed with me all day.

I spent the day watching all sorts of Bboy videos starting with AWESOME I SHOT THAT.

I burst into tears as they hit the stage. That familiar intro from Mix Master Mike and the excitement at the start of the show - it broke my heart to think of all those times... how for all of us that moment when they took the stage was so special... The sort of irrational joy I got from the experience of being fully immersed in that world, if only temporarily, that was made up of so many parts of our being... and the music. It was almost like a religious experience. How it will never fully be again...

It moved me to think of the work and love that went into making that film and how I think for the fellas, it really was a love letter for the fans. And how in part that film was made for us to experience today and beyond - when we could no longer go back. It's there for us forever and perfectly encapsulates that period of time.

I watched the Beastieography again and was once again reminded of their constant evolution and by extension that of so many of their fans - including myself. My gf was considerate enough to let me just go on and on - so many feeling held inside about in part the music, but really everything else that came with keeping this band close to heart for all these years.

As so many have said, it feels like a part of me has changed. I don't mean to make this sound like I think its about me, but I really do think that this is so difficult because each of us feels that personal connection that can't just come with the music. As corny as it may sound, its the way of life we've developed as influenced by these wonderful guys.

I really take the philosophy of the group to heart. This is how I choose to honor Yauch and the band. When people talk about inspiration from art and role models, its kind of hard to understand till it's personal.

Please bear with me on this... I do strive to live by the way we have seen them live at their best:

Being tolerant, understanding and down to earth. Maintaining a hunger for learning and an open mindedness towards all kinds of art, seeing value in many points of view and trying to take in the bits and pieces of diversity that speak to me from all the sources we come across in life. Never being satisfied with mediocrity - one can never really arrive in life. Life is for living and living is growth.

I think that to honor Yauch is more than just listening to the songs. To truly love the man is to appreciate everything connected to the music. And just how he did, to take some of the parts that speak to you and really make them a part of you.

I know that this might sound stilted, but this is really how I feel. To mourn Yauch is to mourn a piece of ourselves. Affecting people at such a deep level... he did it right. That may be part of what they meant saying "we shall all be one".