This situation has gotten complicated. If you're interested, Vulkan and I have grown close and I don't know what's going on there. He seems to want more from me but I feel ripped in two and neither half of me seems like enough to give anyone.
My boyfriend and I are going through some problems. He has a chronic disease, we found out. It's ruining his life and I feel sorry for him but I am having trouble feeling stronger feelings for him than that. But I can't leave him now he has a disease! How horrible would that be? He can't work and he's depressed and has no money, and depends on me. He's says we'll be together forever and claims to be good for me. I know that's probably true but I'm so unhappy. He met Vulkan but has forgotten about him now that he has bigger issues to deal with. He talks about suicide but aaahhh I don't think he's serious! But I can't tell how deep his depression goes, he shuts me out so rudely!
Vulkan has suggested that he wouldn't have allowed himself to get so close to me if he didn't mean it, and that's flattering. But I'm not sure what more he wants from me. I think he imagines that this is how dating starts. I feel so peaceful with him. It's not romantic but it's liberating in a way.
This is Friday. I hate Fridays because the weekend is coming and I'll have to be home for extended periods of time.
I think I want to run away from my life, be alone. I don't think I'm good enough to be with anyone. I should live alone for the rest of my life and stay out of other people's lives.
Merry Christmas!!
Honestly, though, I'm doing okay. I'm happy at work. I'm happy when I have my free time to do what I want.
I've taken up a new hobby. I make tiny sculptures out of found metal junk that I solder together. I might start selling them.
I'm teaching a little girls' ballet class. I choreographed their winter recital and dudes, it was SO CUTE!
I'm writing more stories and actually finishing them. Most of them have some kind of fantasy element to them, which is odd because I've never been a fan of fantasy writing. I guess I just get bored with the usual stuff about real life, I end up adding a supernatural element.