TO: The Citizens of the United States of America

[ILLMIX]

I Did Not Write this.....ILLMIX

MEMORANDUM
Home Office
Direct Communications Unit
7th Floor
50 Queen Anne’s Gate
London
SW1H 9AT


TO: The Citizens of the United States of America

RE: Revocation of your Independence


In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents? Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly” or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "5hit". You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are cr*p and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French; they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From December 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your cooperation.




Rt Hon David Blunkett
Home Secretary

[Ace42]

Except UK beer is not served warm. I've never had warm beer here, ever.

[ASsman]

I think warm beer = urine.

And that was pretty funny. What I don't get is how's Tony Blair that much better?

[Ace42]

He's kept in check by parliament. Theoretically. And the Queen.

[DroppinScience]

Originally Posted by Ace42

He's kept in check by parliament. Theoretically. And the Queen.

Too bad they didn't do nothing when he sent Britain to war!

[Ace42]

Yah, Blair's majority stunk. But, they WERE lied to, and the party that DID try to do something about it (Lib Dems) have had their popularity soar. Unlike Kerry, who should've been a shoe in.

[CSAR]

To: The Citizens of the United States of America from the Citizens of Canada

Keep your President in your own country, we don't want him here!! We do not like war criminals in our presence. You don't want him (some of you). We most definitely do not want him, or the mess he brings up here to our country's parliament building halls, with the cow manure he tracked with him from Texas. We won't be giving a him five finger wave, it will be a 1 finger salute. We hate his policies, and we hate him. Let it be known, Canadians hate George W. Bush!! It's not like you would enjoy it, if Saddam Hussein walked around the White House, or stepped foot on your American soil?? Would you? I didn't think so. Plus, Tucker Carlson from CNN is a total dipshit!!

Here's a letter to
Dear Mr. Bush,

As a citizen of the nation that shares the longest border with the United States, I wanted to write you this quick e-mail in a futile attempt to persuade you to reconsider visiting Canada on November 30th. My reasons, five in total, are as follows…

1) We have decided to go with giant sling shots armed with massive paper wads rather than participate in missile defense because it's environmentally friendlier. (By GOP standards even our conservatives are liberals).

2) Being that I, along with millions of other Canadians, pay for the upkeep of government buildings by way of taxes, I’m not keen on a war criminal scuffing up our recently waxed floors.

3) If there is a Canadian assassination attempt, I don’t want any innocent Canadians to get covered in any excess whipping cream when the assassin throws the pie at you.

4) The people of Ottawa hate it when half of their city is closed down so people like you can go jogging. But by all means, mountain bike to your hearts content.

5) Despite the smiles and handshakes that you will receive from our Prime Minister, various Members Of Parliament, and a variety of others who hold irrelevant posts (such as that of Governor General); please realize that the majority of Canadians consider you to be quite an exceptional ass.

Sincerely,
MG

[Rosie Cotton]

American football is the worst sport ever.

[ASsman]

I don't see hot cheerleaders at soccer matches.

[Rosie Cotton]

Pfft. I used to be a cheerleader. I DON'T want to see them.

[CSAR]

The Eagle Has Landed (Unfortunately)
George Bush was in Ottawa today to meet with Prime Minister Martin and then opposition leader Steven Harper. Jack Layton of the NDP may get a few paltry minutes to speak with President Bush at tonight’s dinner, but spoke at a rally today about his concerns regarding Canadian involvement in missile defense and the environment. Fearing that he would be heckled, plans for Bush to address Parliament were cancelled.

The expected topics were reportedly discussed, missile defense and the environment among them, though no firm course regarding either was given the press by either the Prime Minister or President Bush following their meeting. As is to be expected, Bush’s anti-terrorism rhetoric was in full force.

A recent study regarding the Artic has shown that global warming is occurring twice as fast in the Arctic than anywhere else in the world. Besides the imminent threat of irreversible damage to wildlife, Arctic ice is melting at an unprecedented rate. Both the US (the world’s largest polluter) and Canada have to immediately begin work towards phasing out their dependencies on fossil fuel. Unfortunately, current US environmental policies don’t support anything but support of the status quo.

Elsewhere – Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge has resigned. While such news should be cause for jubilation, one must not forget that he will most likely be replaced by someone quite similarly minded, perhaps worse. In the case of John Ashcroft - his replacement, Alberto Gonzales, is a Bush crony from Texas that once, with regards to the definition of torture, called the Geneva Conventions “ too quaint”.

While on the subject of Bush Administration members that should be shown the door, a criminal complaint was filed today against Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in Germany. Will it come to anything? With regards to proving that men with friends in high places are above the law, yes - it should.

This month was one of the costliest in Iraq for the United States. According to the Associated Press, some 134 Americans died in November (conservative estimates of Iraqi civilian casualties in Iraq in 2003 alone were around the 10,000 mark). Of course, President Bush claimed the war to be “won” in 2003. Elections, as most of you know, are scheduled for the end of January, a process that I fear will do nothing but “democratically legitimize” yet another US backed Iraqi regime.

[Paul Nice]

Originally Posted by ILLMIX

I Did Not Write this.....ILLMIX

MEMORANDUM
Home Office
Direct Communications Unit
7th Floor
50 Queen Anne’s Gate
London
SW1H 9AT


TO: The Citizens of the United States of America

RE: Revocation of your Independence


In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

ROFL

How funny is it that they still worship a "Queen"?! Oh man, that's rich. That old bag is the latest in a line of the greatest enemies of liberty in the history of the world - literally. And they fawn over her because she has a funny hat with shiny rocks in it. LOL So magestic! Like Bea Arthur - but shorter!

[Rosie Cotton]

Originally Posted by Paul Nice

ROFL

How funny is it that they still worship a "Queen"?! Oh man, that's rich. That old bag is the latest in a line of the greatest enemies of liberty in the history of the world - literally. And they fawn over her because she has a funny hat with shiny rocks in it. LOL So magestic! Like Bea Arthur - but shorter!

Actually, she doesn't really have any political power. She's a tourist attraction more than anything. Just a figure head. And most Brits probably don't really care about her. It's mainly Americans that make a big deal.

[Paul Nice]

Every time the queen farts a million brits line the streets to gape and sniff her odor. Don't be absurd.

[Rosie Cotton]

Perhaps in your deluded fantasies. You are the absurd one. You seem to know nothing about the world outside our borders.

[Schmeltz]

And when your President farts, all the brown people in the world duck and cover in case the Pentagon mistakes it for a war order.

I'm sure as far as Pauly here is concerned, there isn't a world outside his own borders, or might as well not be. So much the better, I say, as perhaps eventually he will stop talking about it and go back to his Randist utopian fantasies.

[Rosie Cotton]

Haha, nice.

[Ace42]

Originally Posted by Paul Nice

Every time the queen farts a million brits line the streets to gape and sniff her odor. Don't be absurd.

I think that says it all. No wonder Paul Nice thinks the US is so culturally advanced, his knowledge of other cultures is non-existant.

I can assure you that the only people who are like that are backwards cockneys who have had their genes damaged by being exposed to polluted water for the last century. More yanks go on tours of Buckingham palace than English people every year.

You are the absurd one if you think the English monarchy holds any great political power. We had a civil war which neutered the powers of the aristocracy more than century before the US even existed. It happened about 20 years after the first English colonists landed.

Given that the UK had set an example a century earlier, what is the US's excuse for waiting so long, hmm?

[ILLMIX]

O America

[Whois]

Originally Posted by Ace42

Except UK beer is not served warm. I've never had warm beer here, ever.

Two problems with the ale served here (in the US), too cold, and too carbonated.

I usually let my pint sit for a spell while it bubbles and warms.

[chromium05]

Yeah...they brought out Guinness Extra Cold over here (UK) which I think is completely pointless. Also, they started bringing out Extra Cold lagers and Beers.
Why?
The drinks are usually cold enough year round, without the need to freeze my nadules off unnecessarily.

With regards to Guinness, I think I heard that the States gets better Guinness than England as they get thiers imported direct from Ireland, whereas in England it is brewed in England???

Maybe the Irish members on the board could clarify that?

[drobertson420]

Originally Posted by chromium05

Yeah...they brought out Guinness Extra Cold over here (UK) which I think is completely pointless. Also, they started bringing out Extra Cold lagers and Beers.
Why?
The drinks are usually cold enough year round, without the need to freeze my nadules off unnecessarily.

With regards to Guinness, I think I heard that the States gets better Guinness than England as they get thiers imported direct from Ireland, whereas in England it is brewed in England???

Maybe the Irish members on the board could clarify that?

Tell me more....

[Rosie Cotton]

Originally Posted by gmsisko1

Get a life man. All you can do is speak lies. Get a life!

Get a sense of humor.


P.S. I know, I know. Don't quote the troll.

[CSAR]

Originally Posted by gmsisko1

Get a life man. All you can do is speak lies. Get a life!

It was a joke, however that email wasn't written by me. It was written by Matthew Good (a Canadian Musician and also an activist with Amnesty Canada). What are the lies you're talking about?? I do have a life, a great life. Maybe you need a life, and lighten up a bit, hey?? It's rediculous how there's Beastie Boy fans who actually agree with G.W. Bush?? It's just plain weird

[ASsman]

STOP IT WITH THE FUCKING QUOTING OF THE TROLL. GOD DAMN. Why don't you all just put him on ignore and MOVE ON. That is the only way to deal with children.

[Whois]

Originally Posted by ASsman

STOP IT WITH THE FUCKING QUOTING OF THE TROLL. GOD DAMN. Why don't you all just put him on ignore and MOVE ON. That is the only way to deal with children.

Why ask why?

Smoke Bud dry!

[chromium05]

Originally Posted by chromium05
Yeah...they brought out Guinness Extra Cold over here (UK) which I think is completely pointless. Also, they started bringing out Extra Cold lagers and Beers.
Why?
The drinks are usually cold enough year round, without the need to freeze my nadules off unnecessarily.

With regards to Guinness, I think I heard that the States gets better Guinness than England as they get thiers imported direct from Ireland, whereas in England it is brewed in England???

Maybe the Irish members on the board could clarify that?

Originally Posted by drobertson420

Tell me more....

Well....any time I go in the pub now and ask for a pint of guinness, they ask me "Would you like normal or extra cold?"
What I don't understand is this......if anyone in thier right mind would want an extra cold guinness (given that it is served cold anyway), why can't they just put ufcking ice in it???

Is there any point in serving "extra cold" alcohol?

Why don't the landlords (pub owners) just have better refridgeration installed in thier cellars????

The extra cold drinks give me a bloody headache (like eating ice-cream too quick and getting brainfreeze). Guinness isn't supposed to be ice cold. It has gone down perfectly well for the last 250 years.

[Whois]

Lager should be served cold...BUT STOUT?!?!

[Rosie Cotton]

Originally Posted by ASsman

STOP IT WITH THE FUCKING QUOTING OF THE TROLL. GOD DAMN. Why don't you all just put him on ignore and MOVE ON. That is the only way to deal with children.

But sometimes it's just too damn funny. Occasionally one of them says something so stupid that everyone should know. We're stuck with dumbasses anyway. Why not get some enjoyment?

[yeahwho]

When Bush says, "They hate us because of our freedom," he's partially correct. Just delete the last four words from that sentence and he's dead on.