Ex boyfriends, old hookups

[russhie]

This past weekend I happened to be at the same bar as a guy I hooked up with 3 or so years ago. When something like this has happened in the past we acknowledge each others presence with eye contact or a nod and just get on with our night. This time, he came over to speak with me and it's been bugging me somewhat.

Bit of history: I was single for two & a half-ish years after my last long term boyfriend and I split, during that time I dated etc. but never wanted/had a proper boyfriend. This particular guy came along about a year before I met my (now) fiance, and I actually ended up quite liking him. Long story short, the sweet guy I thought I'd met was actually quite emotionally manipulative and (I feel) he burned me reasonably badly before I quit with the drama.

Anyway, I didn't really mind seeing him at first as we spoke a bit about our past, our old feelings toward each other, and it was a relief to see he's still a total fuckup so there were no "gosh I regret this didn't go further" feelings - at least on my end.

Afterwards, I just felt silly. Embarrassed at the mistakes I'd made during my relationship with him, annoyed that I'd been taken in, frustrated that we'd never had (never will have) proper closure because he is by nature cagey about feelings and like I said, manipulative. Even hearing him say he regretted things, that he was sorry and wished things had've worked out just felt hollow and only really highlighted the naivety and stupidity of my past.

I don't really speak to anyone who knew him anymore, so I guess this is just me getting it off my chest. Though I do also like to hear about other people's awkward ex-encounters.

[Dorothy Wood]

I think there's always underlying awkwardness with former flames. Maybe he was drunk and lonely and just wanted attention from a familiar face? Don't feel too bad about the past, you're in a better place now so old mistakes don't really matter.

I don't really go out much anymore, so I don't run into guys that often. I see my last boyfriend around every few months and it's mainly awkward because we get along really well and start talking and laughing and then people start gossiping. I don't have the same banter with my current boyfriend, so sometimes I get a little wistful about old times, but then I remember there are more important aspects to a relationship than banter.

[Adam]

I've changed cities twice in past 2 years so don't really see any old hook ups anymore but when I did, I was the creepy one who would be all drunk and attention-seeking but that is mainly because I wanted cheap sex.

The "woe is me" is because he wants a sympathy fuck, but you've grown and he hasn't. He was also probably trying "when we broke up my life changed for the worse, give me a sympathy fuck and everything will be great again".

So if he was manipulative in the past, he still is now and that is why no one loves him and his life is a fuck up. Hopefully most other people are seeing through his manipulative ways too.

[Myu-to]

Thankfully, I haven't ever run into any ex-boyfriends.

[Lyman Zerga]

Originally Posted by Myu-to

Thankfully, I haven't ever run into any ex-boyfriends.

only cause youre still together with all of them

[TurdBerglar]

hahahaha

[ms.peachy]

Moving continents has pretty much effectively rendered the possibility of running into exes pretty much to nothing.

Plus the only ex I really wouldn't care to see again is dead now, so there's that.

[LuciferHam]

Just out of curiosity if its not too intrusive, but what sort of emotionally manipulative things did he do when you were dating?

[russhie]

^we met through a mutual friend and hung out in the same group occasionally. Looking back I feel he manipulated me into having feelings for him - he was really attentive and quite sweet in the beginning. Almost as soon as I started thinking he was great, he became rude - swearing at me in texts, ignoring me in group situations, etc. Then he'd switch again and be (almost) as nice as before. There is more to it, but you get the idea. We weren't ever boyfriend/girlfriend, but the weird back and forth stuff lasted for months.

Peachy - what was your reaction to your ex's death, just out of curiosity? I haven't seen/heard from my only long term ex in probably 6 years, but if something happened to him I'd be torn between thinking perhaps karma did come back around and also quite sad because I don't like the thought of bad things happening to someone who is a jerk but also essentially quite a reasonable person.

[Lyman Zerga]

Originally Posted by russhie

^we met through a mutual friend and hung out in the same group occasionally. Looking back I feel he manipulated me into having feelings for him - he was really attentive and quite sweet in the beginning. Almost as soon as I started thinking he was great, he became rude - swearing at me in texts, ignoring me in group situations, etc. Then he'd switch again and be (almost) as nice as before. There is more to it, but you get the idea. We weren't ever boyfriend/girlfriend, but the weird back and forth stuff lasted for months.

is he bi polar or something?

[ms.peachy]

Originally Posted by russhie

Peachy - what was your reaction to your ex's death, just out of curiosity? I haven't seen/heard from my only long term ex in probably 6 years, but if something happened to him I'd be torn between thinking perhaps karma did come back around and also quite sad because I don't like the thought of bad things happening to someone who is a jerk but also essentially quite a reasonable person.

To be honest, I did not have a very strong reaction. I mean I felt kind of bad, but it was less because he was dead than that he hadn't really lived much, or at least, he hadn't lived very happily. He had his good qualities, of course, but he was a very damaged person. It wasn't shocking to me that he had died. He had a stroke, age 53. He'd always been a drinker, but I'd heard he was really living a pretty lonely, bitter alcoholic existence - had lost his license, living in an old trailer, off his disability check, occasionally helping fix up an old car (one thing in life he really enjoyed), spending most of his time going to whatever local bars would still have him in after all the fights he'd gotten into, ranting about how the whole world had screwed him over. So I kind of feel like he was just waiting to die anyway.

[Dorothy Wood]

[Oops I deleted what I originally wrote because I felt dumb about writing it.]

[M|X|Y]

Originally Posted by ms.peachy

So I kind of feel like he was just waiting to die anyway.

died of sadness

[ms.peachy]

Originally Posted by M|X|Y

died of sadness

In a sense, certainly. But ultimately, he made his own choices, you know? I do feel badly for members of his family - he was one of 8 children and I know his brothers and sisters had tried their best to get him to get help over the years. Two sisters in particular I know really worked hard to try to 'reel him back in' and I'm sure they never gave up on him, but he gave up on himself, unfortunately. A long time ago.

[M|X|Y]

i guess as much as anyone with problems - choose to get over them or cant.

[Kid Presentable]

How many of you are friends with your old flames/shags etc?

This woman was at our house talking about how her best friend is a guy, and one that she had previously slept with I add, and how people are always surprised that her husband is cool with that. I ventured three things:

1: Her husband, ideally, should be her best friend, and it's sorta disrespectful to claim that some other dude fills that role;

2: He can't really be strictly a 'friend' if they've had sex because a: the friendship is now defined by the sex (much like how you can't take salt out of a dish once added) and b: if they were just friends then sex wouldn't be a consideration; and

3: Further to two, it's not like she helped him move house or loaned him money or demonstrated a friend-like loyalty. She just let him into her vagina. So she has the best of both worlds: they guy she calls 'friend' and somebody she has had the opportunity to sleep with.

Now it may seem puritanical of me, but none of these points seem conducive to friendship. I always find it interesting when women talk about their 'guy friends' like the pleasure of their company is all they are bringing to the table. I figure he'd sleep with you given the go-ahead, and on some level biology to that end is the defining characteristic of the 'friendship'. At least from his end.

I guess it sticks out to me because I don't maintain much interaction with the women I've slept with, whereas females seem more willing to hang on to friendships which have resulted in something further.

Anyway, does anybody have some thoughts on this?

[ms.peachy]

I have a couple of friends that are guys I'd slept with. Ages ago of course, have been with mr.p for going on 20 years now, but it's a non-issue really. Certainly neither of them are 'best' friends, and I agree with you there that your partner should fill that role. But friends who can hang out once in a while, why not. One of the fellas I'm thinking of now, his family runs a guest house in Dublin and me and mr.p have stayed there a few times and gone out with him and his now-wife; mr.p and he get on great and enjoy each other's company. Another bloke, he's a musician, we meet up with him when we are in NY or when he would come through London when we were still there. I don't see how either of those relationships are 'still defined by the sex' or whatever.

[Kid Presentable]

So you told your husband you'd slept with them in the past? Honest question.

Edit: thanks for the reply, too.

[ms.peachy]

Yes of course, it wasn't a secret.

[cosmo105]

I have a couple of very close guy friends that I've slept with in the past and those friendship were most definitely NOT defined by that after the fact. In both cases we had been friends for many years before and it just sort of happened. I had never, ever even considered myself attracted to these people before that particular moment in time for each of them when things just happened to line up and we were both single (alcohol helped, of course). It made things very awkward for a while and I was really, really worried that it would ruin the friendship in both cases but after some awkwardness things just went back to normal. I told my husband pretty early on in our dating and he of course had similar stories with female friends of his. At first it was a little uncomfortable to think of that but it just took growing the fuck up and being confident that he was with me now and chose me to pursue, not them, to stop feeling jealous and all. And now I consider some of them my closest friends, and he's super good friends with my guy friends that's happened with too.

I think we're very lucky in that case. None of the friends for either of us were ever chomping at the bit to have deep romantic relationships with us, and even for the people for whom it did seem like maybe at one point we might consider dating it either didn't last long or never happened to begin with. People have pasts, and who are they going to date if not people they know? You just have to get over and beyond that shit.

[cosmo105]

However, I will say it was INCREDIBLY embarrassing and uncomfortable one night walking out of the theater of the show I used to produce to see my then-fiance chatting up my high school ex with whom I had an incredibly take-this-one-to-the-grave hookup about two years prior. And then they kept talking and sat together in the theater during the show. Mortifying.

[cosmo105]

I'll just keep posting. Exes!

I have one ex that I think would probably make me turn pale, drop my shopping bags and run out of a Walgreens if I saw him in the next aisle. Which is crazy, because it's been so many years and for a while we used to chat like old pals - once even got a pint and had a great time with our old mutual friend and even my hubs (again, then-boyfriend). But we've since fallen out of contact and I realized once I saw pictures of him and his current girlfriend that I just wasn't really interested in being friends with him anymore. He was a real shitty boyfriend at the time and totally broke my heart harder than just about anyone else, and even if you have long since found new love and all it's hard not to still hate someone that did that to you, even years on. Part of me wishes we could be friends because he had a lot of really fun qualities but that feeling of rejection still stings, five years on! JERK!

Oh also the one psycho from late high school/early college. But he doesn't really count because he was a psycho. If I ever laid eyes on him again I would call 911 immediately because I knew it meant he had tracked me down.

I have one ex that was on/off for a total of 10 years, The One That Kept Coming Back. One friend described him as an "emotional rapist" and that was pretty apt. We've known each other long enough that I would really love to be friends with him but I'm so trained to not trust his motives that I think it's just not really worth it at this point. I have enough friends. Maybe one day, but for now I'm not going out of my way to talk to him or anything.

Otherwise I like pretty much all of my exes. Including the one you all know! I have nothing but good things to say about Matt and I'm happy to still call him a friend

[Kid Presentable]

Nice.

[russhie]

KP - I used to be "friends" with my ex boyfriend. We split after about 8 years together and remained on friendly terms for about 12 months after, catching up for drinks occasionally. In the end, I asked him to stop contacting me altogether because it wasn't a proper friendship - I felt we were just hanging on to something because it was familiar.

I have a couple of old hookups still on Facebook, but whatever was between each of us fizzled long before I met my fiance - we don't catch up or speak anymore but lead interesting lives worth following which I think is pretty harmless. Most of them have proper girlfriends now and I feel pleased for them, all aww how lovely! about it.

I've never really hooked up with someone who was a friend - I've had quite a few issues with male "friends" before so I really value the true male friendships I have.

[Lyman Zerga]

Originally Posted by Kid Presentable

1: Her husband, ideally, should be her best friend, and it's sorta disrespectful to claim that some other dude fills that hole;

thats what i totally read

[Dorothy Wood]

I dont think your romantic partner has to be your best bud. I have male friends that I get along better with than my boyfriend. But I love my boyfriend in a primal way that doesn't occur with other men whether Ive banged them or not.

I guess there does seem to be something disrespectful about hanging out with one guy only though. I know my boyfriend gets a little ruffled by one of my male friends(who I have not hooked up with, but who is objectively handsome), so I usually try to have us all hang out when my friend stops by. I think by now my boyfriend can just tell we're bros.

[ms.peachy]

Originally Posted by Dorothy Wood

I dont think your romantic partner has to be your best bud. I have male friends that I get along better with than my boyfriend. But I love my boyfriend in a primal way that doesn't occur with other men whether Ive banged them or not.

Maybe it's just a semantics thing, but my feeling is, your partner does have to be your best friend ("bud" may be a different thing altogether, I guess it depends on what that word means.) Best friend to me is, the person you trust the most, the person you are most vulnerable to, the person with whom you cast your fate, the person who knows your darkest corners and your most brilliant moments of light. For me, that has to be my husband. I could not make a life with someone I felt any less about.

[Dorothy Wood]

Originally Posted by ms.peachy

Maybe it's just a semantics thing, but my feeling is, your partner does have to be your best friend ("bud" may be a different thing altogether, I guess it depends on what that word means.) Best friend to me is, the person you trust the most, the person you are most vulnerable to, the person with whom you cast your fate, the person who knows your darkest corners and your most brilliant moments of light. For me, that has to be my husband. I could not make a life with someone I felt any less about.

Well I agree but I also don't think those things need to hang on one person. My "best friend" has been the same lady for 14 years. And she's married, but considers me her best friend. I think there are people you just have intensely close relationships with and you don't have to pick just one. Like when I got sick with bronchitis a couple years ago and started having an asthma attack in the middle of the night, my boyfriend called my best friend and her husband drove over an inhaler. So I feel like we're all best friends really. I dunno. My boyfriend/partner doesn't always understand me, but he always supports me. And I can always be myself and feel safe with him. I guess I just consider that more of a mating bond than a friendship bond.

[TurdBerglar]

im a bit of a dick and an asshole have no reason commenting on any of this but I think you guys are overthinking all of this shit and making it more important than it actually is and creating way too high expectations and pressures.

[Dorothy Wood]

I think, honestly, everyone should be surrounding themselves with people they'd sleep with. And then just funnel that horniness into the person who's the nicest to you. Everyone wins. I think.