Seriously..

[Guy Incognito]

Sorry to buck the trend of threads about BLT's and peeing in the sink and bring a downer on proceedings but I have a serious question for you all:

Have any of you been to see a bereavement counsellor or had group bereavement counselling?

Just wondered if it helped or hindered you - I have to go tomorrow to be assessed for group counselling and i am really not feeling the idea of talking or listening to complete randommers about this but i shouldnt really dismiss it like that so was just wondering if you any of you guys had any thoughts about this?

My dad died over a year ago but i am still coming to terms with it and thought this would be a good idea but now its approaching i am not sure i should even go.

[HEIRESS]

I'd say do the group couselling for a couple sessions (even if you are dreading it), just to get into the actual act and habit of going for counselling. then maybe start seeing someone one-on-one and you'll probably appreciate that environment alot more and what it can offer you (post group stuff) and get more out of it.

[Loppfessor]

I'd say go for it man....I'm all about talking and communicating. It may not be a cure all but I think it will definitely help more than it hurts

[funk63]

counseling or whatever has been a joke in my experience.

[ms.peachy]

I think if you are feeling like you "shouldn't" go, then that is pretty much a sign that you should. I am guessing (totally guessing, I may be wrong, but let me hypothesize) that maybe it's not actually like you feel like you shouldn't, but that you are afraid of what will happen if you do. And, that what you are afraid of is breaking down or losing control of your emotions in some way, in front of another person/other people. Which is understandable, but the thing is, if that does happen, it will be totally OK, and actually might help. So go.

[Guy Incognito]

Originally Posted by ms.peachy

I think if you are feeling like you "shouldn't" go, then that is pretty much a sign that you should. I am guessing (totally guessing, I may be wrong, but let me hypothesize) that maybe it's not actually like you feel like you shouldn't, but that you are afraid of what will happen if you do. And, that what you are afraid of is breaking down or losing control of your emotions in some way, in front of another person/other people. Which is understandable, but the thing is, if that does happen, it will be totally OK, and actually might help. So go.

Thats definitely part of it although i probably didnt realise that until you just said it! That was remarkarbly astute of you and that was some damn good advice so thanks for that, peachy. I am going to go but i hope i get referred to an individual counsellor
But its also the group thing that bothers me - it bothers me:
a) because i feel i need some experienced counselling as opposed to sharing with others with similar experiences
b) I feel like i would be wasting their time as all the others would be wanting to sort their issues out. My situation isnt as simple as a relative dying there is a bit more to it and although i'm sure i wont be the only one who says that but I dont wanna hog the limelight or take too much time in explaining the situation, i would rather have one persons undivided attention.
c) I think once i start talking there will be other (non bereavement related) issues that are going to come out.
d) i dont think i will be much cop asking the right questions or listening when other people are talking.

Am i being unreasonable?

[ms.peachy]

I don't know if "unreasonable" is the right word, but the thing is, your feelings are your feelings, whatever they are, they're not right or wrong, they just are what they are. The important thing though is to realise that they are only feelings, and you can choose to allow them to make your choices for you, or you can acknowledge them and say "Right, this feels really big and weird and scary and awkward, but what the hell, let's have a go." If you go a couple times and think "nah, you know, this just isn't for me" then so be it, but why decide that beforehand?

[Kid Presentable]

Guy, when my Dad died I did myself shitloads of harm. Although I came out of it, I don't really advise going through that. So if counselling will help you deal, then go for it. Drop us a PM if you want, though.

[Lex Diamonds]

I've had some counselling and "shrink" type things. I would say that the group thing is probably not a good idea, as it will prevent you from opening up totally and therefore make the thing useless.

In my personal opinion, counselling and psychiatry are quite negative practises and only build delusion and unhealthy dependance on constructed routines or mindframes. Maybe this is why it didn't work for me (because I don't believe in the practise) but I believe, perhaps anachronistically, that it is much healthier to deal with these things on your own, regardless of any temporary damage or depression. I just think that counselling is more of a short term solution whereas if you manage to settle yourself independently the problem will be more permanently resolved.

If you want to give it a try though then do, and do it individually not as a group- it might work for you. I have spoken to a few people who have gone through it and come out happier/more carefree, so it could do you some good.

[Kid Presentable]

Originally Posted by The Padster

In my personal opinion, counselling and psychiatry are quite negative practises and only build delusion and unhealthy dependance on constructed routines or mindframes. Maybe this is why it didn't work for me, because I don't believe in the practise, but in my personal opinion it is much healthier to deal with these things on your own, regardless of any temporary damage or depression. I just think that counselling is more of a short term solution whereas if you manage to settle yourself independently the problem will be more permanently resolved.

Agree completely.

[ms.peachy]

I can't say I entirely agree. Obviously counseling isn't the be all and end all, but I think it can be tremendously, tremendously helpful in helping a person reframe whatever issue it is they are struggling with, and get 'unstuck' - a change of persepective if you will, the ability to see the forest and not just the trees. I also don't know that group counseling should be so readily discounted, as it can be quite enlightening to sit in a group and see how others are handling (or not, as the case my be) their struggle with a similar issue.

[Kid Presentable]

I suppose, but only because you can't rely on people having the epiphany "Shit, other people feel like shit sometimes, too" all on their own.

[ms.peachy]

Yeah but that's the thing, you can't.

[Kid Presentable]

It's a gamble. You can never say a person won't figure it out. It just happens that therapy synthesizes it, and sooner is probably better than later. I only call it synthesis because you could go round in circles trying to determine if a prodded and poked-out self-actualisation is as valid or more valid than the moment the lightbulb goes off and you don't even realise it (and all of a sudden you're good to go). There's probably that risk of working it out yourself. But grief is a cycle, and you just have to learn not to fight it, that there's no such thing as 'normal' to even the most 'normal' of folk and so on. waffle waffel just trying to help and such

Guy, good luck son.

[Guy Incognito]

Just read all the responses on here and there is some really good advice and experience on here and although some of it is conflicting it has all helped so thank you all. I think its shown me that every case will be different and in that sharing with others is a reasonable option.

I think if i am being honest i am putting obstacles in my way because i am bit afraid of the unknown and afraid of my feelings and like peachy says if thats the case then i need to go.

If i am not really feeling the group thing i can always opt out - i dont think it will do me any harm to try. Its gotta be better than bottling all up, i might not even need to tell anyone anything, i might just hear somebody elses experience and take heed of that and that might help put my mind at rest.

Mr Presentable, i may take you up on your offer at some point so thanks for that, much appreciated.

The fact is that its really not the fact that my died that is upsetting me and thats why i dont think a group chat will help in this particular circumstance but I will speak to the woman today and see what see suggests and will let you know how it goes

Thanks again all

[Guy Incognito]

So I went and it was ok - two women there and they just ummed and ahhed and asked "how does tha make you feel a lot", which gives me the impression that thats what individual conselling will be like. Plus if i wanted 1-2-1 counselling i would have to wait nearly another 6 months and the group stuff starts in march, so i think i will give it a go. They talked to me about my reservations about group stuff and they quashed some of my fears about it, like someone said on this thread, I can go for a bit and if its not for me apply to do 1-2-1 stuff.
The only problem is that its over 15 weeks and its at 10am on a wednesday and there is no way my work are gonna support it. Will have to see what they say.
Even just giving an overview of my problems yesterday was a good thing, i felt better saying a few things that i hadnt previously said out loud so it could be what i need.
Once again thanks for all the help, opinions and advice about this. I was a bit unsure at first about telling a complete bunch of randommers about this but its really helped.

[Lex Diamonds]

That's cool that you feel somewhat cleansed. Maybe you don't need much more than just getting it out of your head and into the open. The shit that put me off is when they start drawing charts and graphs (of things like "safety" and "happiness") and talking about your childhood and using all this ridiculous conjecture to try and categorise your emotions. I still don't really agree with the premise of psychotherapy, I've come to realise I'm one of those old fashioned people that thinks dealing with shit yourself makes you stronger. But I guess if just having people to talk to is what you needed then that's cool, and keep us updated if you feel comfortable with it.